The Whole Pie

The whole pie…

I have shared with you all there are certain things I am hesitant to share.

I have been told I can be hard to know. Not as a person but in relationships. I don’t share, I put my guard up.

It’s definitely something I am working on and working through.

God bless my therapist.

At the core of it is trust. While in my day to day I see the best in people sometimes to a fault. For people I am in relationships with I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

That blueprint was laid down early on. If I’m being honest, I think I have only had two relationships my whole life where I wasn’t cheated on. I will own some of this. I tend to fall for the men who in conversations I end my sentences with he’s not like that when he’s with me. He promises he won’t. He will by a certain date.

The irony is I come from a family where my parents have been married for over forty plus years. They are loving and supportive.

Where did I learn that wasn’t what I deserved? When did I become “The Fixer of Broken Boys”?

I honestly don’t know.

The older my daughter gets, the more I realize I have to make sure I show her what a healthy relationship looks like. 

Sad thing is here I sit at almost fifty and guess what? I am just starting to have one.

Now you know that.

We still have some mountains to climb and we have our moments, but for the first time since I became a single Mom, I think this person might be someone worthy of my daughter.

That is saying something because well, I have been single since she was two and she’s twelve.

I have someone who doesn’t dismiss me when I am upset. The phrase “I am not trying to lessen how you feel…” , has actually been used when he has been perhaps sharing his side of a disagreement.

I feel like I can let down my walls. Here’s the thing. They are those electric mall kind, so I can just as quickly put them back up. But they’re firmly in the middle right now. That’s a start.

My best friend, who is also a single Mom and has known me since I was thirteen, shared with me a beautiful post about you should be in a relationship that feels like you have the whole pie. 

I don’t have the whole pie just yet but I definitely have a pretty big slice.

As I do I’m sending you love Mommas.

<3 Caprise

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