Where To Begin

I am not sure where to begin, it’s hard to talk about something, rather write about something when it has been met with disbelief.

You read that correctly. The first time I told someone how my ex husband treated me, the person I shared it with looked at me and laughed, then said maybe he was just having a bad day.

After my divorce I tried again with a close friend and they told me to just get over it.

It wasn’t until I saw firsthand the reactions of people who really didn’t know me that well to how he treated me that I felt validated.

The standout was he had taken our daughter to swim lessons, somehow there had been some confusion about the times. He called me from the place she had lessons (where I also worked) and started yelling at me. Mind you we weren’t together anymore. After he left my co-workers were so concerned they called me to make sure I was okay.

My ex husband never physically hurt me. But he got in my head. He pushed my buttons. He found the soft spots, my insecurities and used them against me whenever he could.

He still tries to.

People always ask why, how? If I knew, I think I would solve a lot of problems for people.

For me he wasn’t my typical bad boy. He appeared to be the safe choice.

Appearances are deceiving and so was he. He actually enjoys that. He thought it was funny people didn’t realize how cruel he could be.

I have said this before and I will say it again. It is easy to stand back and wonder how someone can let things happen to them. But when you’re in it and feel like it’s your fault, sometimes you stay.

My ex husband wasn’t always this guy. But I think he wasn’t always not this guy either. I am the complete opposite of almost everyone in his life and initially he made me feel like that’s what he loved about me.

Then he didn’t.

He didn’t like how I looked. My hobbies. My friends. He made it clear in his body language when we were out with mine to the point where I would find reasons not to spend time with my friends. To avoid how he behaved.

There were rules about how the house looked.

Money.

When I met him, I was working three jobs and two college degrees.

He was an unemployed college dropout.

I put him through college, help him get his first job.

When I left him he kept everything- he said since it was my decision to leave I didn’t deserve anything.

Two moments that felt like lightbulbs…

We had a very small house. Our bedroom closet was teeny. He kept his clothes on our bedroom and I kept mine in our daughter’s. I had a job interview so I had put an outfit in our bedroom closet and I was in the living room and I heard him getting upset. I walked in the bedroom and he thrown the outfit on the floor.  We had hardwood floors and a dog and a toddler so my outfit yup, gross.

The second was we were out to dinner with his friends and I told them what I did for a living and my hobbies and they started teasing me for being shallow and decided I was a glorified babysitter. Rather than defend me. He joined in.

When I tried to talk to my ex about how any of this made me feel he would say “I’m sorry you feel that way, but only you can make yourself feel a certain way. Not me”

This is probably feeling rambly because if I’m being honest it’s hard to put words years of being pulled apart by the person who is supposed to be your partner. It’s hard to put into words when people tell you it’s not a big deal.

But it was

It is

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership and ABSOLUTELY there will be disagreements. It is not sunshine and lollipops twenty four seven, but I think we all know the difference.

This was my proverbial dip in the pool of sharing about my experience with emotional abuse. It was hard to write this. For all the reasons, but maybe one surprising one- my ex is still my daughter’s Dad, and while he and I don’t work he’s not too shabby when it comes to her.

Mommas this is a slippery slope. But at the end of the day if we can grow and raise a human. I’d like to think we can get through pretty much anything.

<3 Caprise

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15 thoughts on “Where To Begin

  1. Mandy

    So many hints of me. My X didn’t let his mask slip in front of others for years. By the time he didn’t care about hiding it I was so beat down that I finally left for my son, not myself. We can do this. We are strong. And as my therapist told me “he can call you stupid, he can call you worthless, he can call you a purple elephant. That doesn’t mean you ARE one!”

    Reply
    1. Caprise

      Mandy, thank you for sharing. That was me, I left for my daughter. I didn’t want her to think this is how it should be. I appreciate the purple elephant analogy. I am going to remember that!
      <3 Caprise

      Reply
  2. Jamie

    This was so real to me. Its so true, people don’t understand unless it has happened to them. Its not being sensitive or overreacting….its being a victim of verbal and emotional abuse. I feel you, I see you and I understand you.

    Reply
  3. E. Hansen

    I happen to stumble upon a post my ex husbands ex fiancé re-posted of yours. I then followed you. Im SICK. Your latest blog post is word for word how I’d start my story. But it’s been to painful to write. Unfortunately I lost my daughters in the mix of my crazy divorce. Due to parent alienation done by their father. I miss them like crazy. Only a mother could imagine how it would feel to loose a child, yet still they’re here on earth……”if she leaves me, she leaves you”. Thank you for creating your platform. One day…..although it’s been almost 4 years. One day I’ll write a part of my story. You’re an inspiration. God bless you.

    Reply
  4. Christy

    Wow! Your story really touched me!! I was married for 12 years, I was sexually, physically, and verbally abused. The worst was the verbal abuse. That pain doesn’t go away, after 12 years, I had to completely relearn who I was instead of who he made me believe I was! Thank you for sharing your story, it made me feel less alone!

    Reply
    1. Caprise

      Hi Christy,
      I was in a physically abusive relationship before my marriage and it is always hard to explain to people the verbal abuse was worse.
      I am incredibly sorry you went through all of this and I am happy to hear you are healing.
      That is the wonderful thing about this page you find out pretty quickly you are never alone.
      <3Caprise

      Reply
  5. Lisa

    Hi….I’ve never met you but I am I tears. I have left a similar situation (with my children) and 2 years later are still trying to sort things out due to a complete inability of him to do the right thing. I’m beginning to realize how much of how I respond to situations is a result of years and years of being treated a certain way. The verbal/emotional wounds are real. Thank you for courageously sharing your story: it’s good to know I am not alone.

    Reply
  6. Jenn

    I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 10 years. The ex husband even went so far as to tell me that my own family hated me and if I left I had no one. He told me everything was my fault and that I was the reason he drank, because I was so horrible being drunk was the only way he could “deal” with me. You’re right, when you’re in it, you believe things you wouldn’t normally believe because they break you down. I hated myself for years after the divorce because I couldn’t believe I’d stayed in that situation for so long. I’m thankful I got my sons and I out of that situation. I’m so sorry you had to go through that, I’m sorry for all the women who have and are going through it. We are survivors. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story. I know how hard it was.

    Reply
  7. Julie Berard

    Your post resonates. I was married to a man I loved with my whole heart. He had 2 children in their teens. I had a son who was 11. Our 3 boys were each a year apart. The middle boy, his youngest became mentally ill and spent months in a mental hospital. He was physically and emotionally abusive to all of us. My ex husband chose his son and I chose mine. I moved out, got my own place and rebuilt my left and have never spoken to him again. I wish I could be angry but how can I fault him for choosing his child? I would have done the same….and did. It was my son’s safety. A year has passed and I’m still discovering the emotional abuse and PTSD that I suffered in that home.

    Reply

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