When life gets messy with relationships and dating… how do you take time the time to figure it out?
When life gets messy…I used to just move on to the next thing and stay constantly busy. I would make plans every night. I would plan my weeks out way in advance. I would make sure to not have a free moment to myself. I would basically try and cover it all up, sweep it under the rug, and move on.
I was continuing to fall into the same pattern with my relationships. Mostly because I would not take the time to figure out what what went wrong or what I really wanted. You date someone for a few weeks, you break up, then you keep yourself continuously busy until the next person comes along that peaks your interest. I found this to be very true for me. I know that is what dating is about, but after a consistent pattern of failed relationships, I had to do some soul searching.
I have had to do a lot of self reflection on my relationships over the last five years, some were long term and others were short lived. At first, I just thought I wanted a relationship. I did not take the time to really think about what type.
Could I fit this person into my life?
Did I have time to meet what they needed?
Did I want a serious commitment?
Could they fit me into their life or their schedule?
Did they want a casual or serious commitment?
Did I need someone that would make plans with me weeks in advance?
I had to think was I too needy for them or not needy enough?
I needed to think about all of these things… and also think about what I was ok with in a relationship.
No one is going to do everything that you want. I think many times in the past, I have talked myself into dating this person longer than I have should have… I thought we might eventually like the same interests, I thought he might eventually show me more attention, I thought eventually he might do what I wanted…haha… I am kidding.
Many times I would say to my friends, “ ohh he is really nice”. Many people are nice, but I should not be dating them because they are nice. I would spend way to much time devoted to someone that was never going to fit with me, when I should have ended it.
Many times after the relationship failed, I was like how come I didn’t end it sooner. I mean there were huge red flags, but I just kept on with it and didn’t pay attention. If I would have just stopped, done some honest thinking with myself, I probably would have saved myself the heartache.
Besides trying to figure out why it didn’t work, I had to figure out what I wanted. If all the signs were there that it wasn’t working, why was I still determined to try… was it because I was afraid of being alone or just wanted the companionship.
I stopped keeping myself continuously busy, instead I slowed my life down. I stopped looking for the next relationship. I had to think about what was important to me. I asked myself all those questions over and over again. I had to realize that what I thought I wanted or was told I should want, was not really what I wanted. I was spending time going after the wrong relationships. I had to constantly remind myself of this when I began dating or a new relationship.
Because life in relationships gets messy… I had to continue to be very honest with myself.