It’s time to be unfiltered…I have been sharing with you how it has been going now that I’m dating again.
Welp! Here we are.
My person and I actually had a rare day together. Between what’s going on in our world. Our jobs and me having a teenager our moments are few and far between.On my end, I read in a comment on my last post about mom guilt. I carry some mom guilt if I am away from my daughter doing something for myself.
This is my thing. She is thirteen, she never makes me feel bad when we don’t spend every moment together and to be honest I think she’s secretly relieved I’m not spending every moment with her.
I still feel bad when I do go out. I just do.Maybe someday I won’t. If y’all can let me in on when that would be lovely.
All that aside. I actually had a day date with my person.
A visit to my favorite place for coffee and little shopping for me and the hardware store for him. Lol, I know. But we were together. My person likes to tease me. I will be honest. I don’t usually tease back. I hold back. In previous relationships the teasing was incredibly personal. It was about my appearance, my family, my friends. It was hurtful. To make it stop. I took it in. Shut down. Did not say anything back.I filtered myself.
I have noticed with my current person I will engage but I filter.Now if he was one of my close friends and teased me I would have a comeback. Or a comment. Or a defense.
So… I did something I haven’t done in a long while.
I unfiltered myself.Much like everything else in this process I was petrified.I should not have been.At one point he was laughing so hard he was crying and joking and I thought I was going to have to give me CPR.
Why on earth would I hide that side of me away?
He called me on his drive home and said he hadn’t laughed like that in a long time and he really appreciated me sharing.
I don’t have the magic recipe here.The magic words.
I don’t know how to make this easier or less scary and I am not going to tell you this very person I’m writing about hasn’t also hurt my heart too.Because he has and at some point maybe I’ll share that.
Dating is never easy.If I’m being honest I think it was harder when I was younger. At least now when someone is a complete flake or says…”I don’t think I can pay for that.” I have the means to handle both of those things.But I think it hits harder when it doesn’t work because at one point I was married.
For me no matter what. There is always that voice.
“Maybe it is me”.
Which is ridiculous.People are complicated.Relationships are complicated.What I’m learning is to cut myself some freakin slack.Things will either work or they won’t.What I absolutely can’t do is lean into all the things that made me miserable the first time around.
I know it’s super cheese and cliche but this saying is kinda true….
“Better to be happy and alone then miserable and with someone”.
But maybe that won’t happen. In the meantime I’m going to do my best to enjoy this.
Be safe & much love Mommas