I am not listening to music. I just finished a very watered down iced latte that I picked up on my way home from work.
This week was the week
Full disclosure I am really bad with dates.
I ALWAYS remember my daughter’s birthday but if there isn’t a calendar reminder for it I won’t remember. (Her birthday being the exclusion)
Except of course the day my divorce was final.
Which was exactly nine years ago. The exact date and time I can tell you as well.
I even remember what I was wearing.
So when I got up on Monday because it was on the 12th… I was already sad.
I had a good solid cry in the shower.
I put on one of my favorite, comfiest outfits. I took time getting myself ready for work.
On my drive in I listened to one of my favorite songs and willed myself not to cry again.
Here’s the thing. I don’t get sad on this day because I miss my ex husband. Leaving him was healthy for me. It was the right thing. You either grow together or you grow apart. The reality is when someone constantly makes you feel like who you are is not enough… How can you grow?
As a person? Or with them?
I am sad on this day because I am a natural caregiver. I like to take care of people. I am an incredibly independent person but I have parents who have been married almost fifty years. They have family meals. They dressed up together for Halloween. Valentines Day, Birthday, Holidays everyday…. They showed us what it was like to be married to someone you liked, loved and was your partner in crime.
That is what I wanted.
I still do sometimes. But I worry. Always, if I can’t make someone like my ex husband happy. Maybe I can’t make anyone happy.
Maybe I’m the reason.
I know that I’m part but not all.
But no one gets married to get divorced and as someone who honestly never thought they would get married. To have my marriage fall apart.
I thought I did everything right and it still wasn’t enough. And now years later he is still so incredibly angry at me.
So every Fall on a certain day I just want the day to be over before it starts.
Then I take a deep breath and focus on all the positives that have come out of one of the hardest decisions I made.
It’s silly to think hard decisions are ever easy.
But they make you stronger.
In my case if I’m being honest. Better and I feel guilty for saying this.
I didn’t fail because I’m divorced.
It doesn’t mean I’m not lovable or likable.
Hopefully at some point this day will be one I don’t remember. Or at least one that won’t hurt as much.
Much love Mommas