Tag Archives: young

The Fixer of Broken Boys Part 1: How Did I Get Here

How did I get here?….

Ugh why is he taking so long.

I stared at the cement blocks that made up his wall. The bottom of his loft. The posters on his dorm room wall. 

Wishing he had put me in charge of the music. At 20 I felt his obsession with Frank Sinatra aged him more. He already looked like he would into middle age. Thin, straight combover hair. Oversized square wire rimmed glasses. His standard attire was a polo, khaki shorts and a boring shoe. To really mix it up he wore a baseball hat. And aftershave. Too much aftershave. 

Bored, bored, bored. 

I just wanted to go home and shower. Who taught him to kiss? So sloppy. For such a neat freak he was an incredibly sloppy kisser. My first boyfriend really?! 

His door opened. “Sorry rounds took a bit. Tina invited me to a party next weekend”
“That’s my birthday”
“You’re going home- we’ll celebrate when you get home”

We never celebrated. He had sex with Tina and dumped me via birthday card. I was too shy. I was too much of a free spirit. Tina he’d known since high school.
Tina didn’t make him work for it.
I didn’t cry until later. Surrounded by the girls on my floor. “She is definitely not nearly as pretty as you. It won’t last”.

They got married after college. He is a lawyer, she stays home and is raising their two daughters who they adopted from China.

Social Media – ugh.

I have always been a late bloomer. I didn’t kiss a boy until I was 14. First date 16. Did I mention my Mom hooked that up?  Yes, yes she did.  Because I wasn’t awkward enough. My Mom managed a restaurant when I got my acceptance letter to college and it looked like I wasn’t going to land a date on my own – she asked one of her many college aged hosts if they would take me out on a date.

I really do not want to know if she paid them. But one kind soul agreed and we went to the zoo. That will come later, I promise but it did not really equip me with the tools to deal with college boys. Seriously. I don’t mean that to be cryptic – it’s really not but when you have never dated, never drank, and go away to college without a car. Mistakes or not mistakes will be made.

We will get to that too.

Let’s get back to the scene of my first heartbreak. Did I mention at 20 this guy already looked like a middle aged dude. He did and on my gosh SO MUCH cologne.  JESUS GOD. My face was also ravaged after a make out session.  As an excezema sufferer his not shaved oily mug did some serious damage to my cheeks. Thank goodness we normally didn’t meet up until the weekends – gave my face a day to recover.

Ladies as a note when you make out with a man he should not kiss so wetly your lips are chapped.  This is not how this works. Unless you are into that in which case – you do you.

As you already know we didn’t make it.

Let it begin…

 

~Caprise

Counting Down (or up) to 50…

In 25 days I turn 50.  I decided that was worth talking to you about this morning…at the moment the self-loathing is at an all-time high because there are some things that are not the way I wanted them to be for my 50th birthday.  It’s been a hard year, in April 2017 I left the corporate world as most of you know and by doing so I cut my income by about 2/3 and my expenses stayed the same:)  My decision there was based on the fact that I wanted to work for myself again doing the things that I felt mattered or at least, perhaps helping to leave the world better than I found it.  Although still happy with my decision the economic consequences have been a trial of their own, couple that with the fact that I intended to weigh ten pounds less than I currently do and you can begin to see how the self-loathing is making so much noise today…copious amounts of coffee is helping to dull the chatter…and of course writing to you guys always helps…

So, when one reflects on the first 50 years of their life they may ask themselves questions such as—what is the biggest misstep that I have made?

My answer to that is not understanding my worth, I have discovered over the last decade just how much havoc a low self-worth can wreak…let’s embellish on that a bit…

Had I really possessed any self-worth when I was much younger I would have made every decision differently…growing up in an amazing yet highly dysfunctional family that drank way too much was not a recipe for developing a high self-worth quotient and in retrospect it clouded every, single move I made until I was in my mid-40’s.  If you don’t value yourself you will accept things that you shouldn’t, take actions that don’t take care of YOU and make decisions to please and accommodate other people.  You will also devalue yourself in the workplace and teach others to do the same because of course how can we expect anyone to treat us better than we treat ourselves?

Over time and especially within the last year I have come to understand at a much deeper level what it means to realize my own worth both as a woman and as a professional also as a human being.  In the last year I have been surprised by people in good ways and in bad ways and I have learned so much.

Not being one for regrets and firmly believing that there are no mistakes, I am determined to face this birthday with GRACE and GRATITUDE…the next few blogs from me will showcase more lessons learned in the last 50…my intention is, as always, that my experiences may some how give you strength or shine a light on something that you need to see.  You are always welcome to comment or email me.  XOXO

~Noelle