What do you want?
It’s Easter Sunday. It has been an absolutely beautiful day and now I am enjoying the sounds of the birds that live in the marsh across from my house.
Last week I wrote about letting my guard down and opening up to people you care about. It is still a work in progress. My experiences over the last few years have made me become incredibly independent. To the point I’m not always sure what I want.
What is enough?
Maybe right now what I have is just fine
Remember when you were going to college and people would ask you what your major was?This question for me feels like that. Which speaks to the type of relationships I have had. No one has cared to ask. What do you want? Am I enough? Do I make you happy? But then it says who I have become. Not projecting out to the person I care about…that I care. What I need. Want. That they are all the things.
It also speaks to how much more work I have to do.
I have spent so much time the last couple of years building a life for my daughter and myself. The few times I have dated since my divorce…It’s hard to give myself space to want more than what I have.
I’m going to be blunt.I am almost fifty years old and I never thought I would be married. Have a baby. Own a house. I just didn’t. I had all the things I thought I’d never have and watched them slowly change, disappear and be taken away outright.I’m still dealing with the aftershocks.
What if I screw it up?
I first and foremost always think of my daughter.I don’t know if I have it in me to rebuild again.So…now you know that.It’s tricky being a guarded person who believes in happy endings.
So what do I want?
To not be afraid.
Much love and be safe Mommas