Tag Archives: value

Talk In Terms

‘Talk In Terms of the Other Person’s Interest’

The last principal was about listening instead of talking. Dale Carnegie said that listening to someone is enlivening to them. Yet if you must talk, talk about something that they are interested in.

 I admit it, I would talk about gadgets and technology and Apple computer all day nonstop, if I could.  Its actually embarrassing to admit,  but its true. Anyone who really knows me, knows that.  If you want my attention, talk to me about the iPhone, or iPad.  Sometimes people stop me in the store and ask me how I like my Apple Watch. I have to be careful not to take up a half hour of their time in the store lauding The Dick Tracy gadget on my wrist. 

 We are all like that with regard to some topic. So really, our job is to find that topic for other people.  

 Theodore Roosevelt is purported to have made a habit of staying up late reading up on topics that the people he was meeting the next day, were interested in so he could have meaningful conversations with them about something that was of great interest to them. People were always impressed with his extent of his knowledge on many subjects.

Too often people seem to be interested the other person when in reality they end up talking about what they personally are interested in. Such as; oh, Im sorry you hurt your wrist. I hurt mine a few years ago…” and then launch into a long story about themselves. Talking in terms of their interests, not yours.

Lets all take the time to learn and talk about what other people are interested in. We will all be richer for it. 

~Steve

Time Is Valuable, Use It Wisely

Your time is valuable… Its one of my favorite sayings…  And I have to remind myself of this because it is valuable.  You will never get that time back…

As I was talking to my friend the other day, she was mentioning how she had just met her friend Ryan.  It took me a few minutes to remember who Ryan was and then it hit me… I said, “ Isn’t he the guy that you went on a few dates with and then never returned your texts or phone calls, why are you meeting him for drinks”.    I still shake my head, but I have been guilty of it too…

Do not fill your time with emptiness.   It took me a long time to figure out that I could choose my time. I could choose who I spent it with.  I could choose what I did.

By emptiness, I mean do not fill your time with activities and people just to fill your time.  Be choosy about the dates and friends that you keep in your life.  Your time is valuable and it does not need to be given to those that do not appreciate you.  It does not need to be given to events that you really do not want to attend.  Or people that do not encourage you in your life.

I used to say yes to people and gatherings, just because I did not know how to say no.  I was many times let down due to the group of people that I was with.  Or I did not really have any interest in attending the event.  I had to really start thinking about what I got out of it for me.  It might sound selfish but its true.

Do I want to attend a party with 20 people that I do not know well and would end up making small talk?  Or would I rather go for a long walk and watch a good movie…  I had to start thinking about what I wanted in those times. Was I talking myself into going or was I excited about it…

About 6 years ago, I was completely committed to a weight loss program.  I was 100% focused and was working my butt off to reach a goal.  When I first started, I had to decline going to a lot of events or going out to dinner with friends.  I wanted to succeed.  I knew I was not strong enough to say no to all the temptations.  Unfortunately, I had friends that did not understand and would try and talk me into still going out to get my favorite nachos or drinks.  The “ohh come on its only one night”… It was incredibly hard to resist.  I had to say no and some friends did not understand.  The ones that did, offered other suggestions, like going for a hike or a walk.   Those are the friends that I want.  The friends that stuck with me and supported me to the end.

You should want to spend time with people that give you the encouragement and confidence that you crave.  The ones that back you up when you need it and support you throughout life.

Its hard to get to that point in your life, where you are ok choosing what you want.  Think about what you really want to do in your time.  Think about who you want to spend your valuable time with.  I am totally good saying “no” to something and in return doing something by myself that I really love.

Are you saying “Yes” just to fill the emptiness?

Do you really enjoy being with that person or are you just saying “yes” to be polite?

Does that person make you feel good about yourself?

Are you talking yourself into attending that event?

Do you want to go to a movie with Tony from accounting that has a huge crush on you? Or are you just doing it because you have no other plans on a Friday night?

I have to continuously ask myself these questions from time to time…because I know my time is valuable.

 

-snarky

 

www.snarkydivorcedgal.com

It Is Hard To Believe

It is hard to believe that I just celebrated my 47 birthday! It is hard to believe where the time went.. And as the years go by, I am more content spending my time with my friends and family one on one. I do not need be invited to the neighborhood bbqs or wine tasting parties.   And I do not feel like, I need to invite 10 people to do something…. It’s not that I do not want to make new friends, I just am very content being with a few people. And I am definitely more myself.

I have learned to really enjoy one on one time lately whether it’s with my kids, family, or a friend. I am much more content and happy doing one on one get togethers than being in groups. Years ago, I would have tried to get all my friends together to celebrate my birthday and now I would much rather have many one on one get togethers. And I have always dreaded going to a restaurant where they sang and clapped loudly with that famous free ice cream sundae. Now I dread if my kids have to go through that….I am not sure when the transition happened for me.

This was one of my best birthdays in a long time. The kids and I went to our cabin and spent it with my parents. We had a terrific day of just hanging out, tubing, and having chicken wings for dinner. I did not even let my mom make me a birthday cake… which I’m sure drove her crazy. Haha… The kids and I picked up our favorite pie on the way up to the cabin. It was just perfect. There was not a lot fuss and I really just wanted to sit and enjoy the day. I loved the peacefulness of it all.   I have learned I do not need a fancy trip or even a weekend get away, I just need a few people to make it special. It does not need to be planned months in advance, it was more of how I felt for the day.

This summer I have just enjoyed spending time one on one with my friends. We have not been rushing to do a bunch of activities and plans, so I have been able to golf with a friend or go for a hike with a friend. I have had the time to do all that one on one, which I have learned to love. Nothing crazy, just hanging out.   In the past, we were just always rushing or invited to so many events for the kids. This summer I got to be the only to decide what we did because there were not a million plans being made by my kids activities, sporting events, or get togethers.

Sometimes I feel guilty for not including everyone to do everything. I just feel more comfortable doing things with just one.   And I still always make time to see all my friends, but I like the small get togethers. I don’t mean to exclude people, but I just feel more comfortable with one or two people. And most of the time, I do not even realize when I do not include someone. I just always feel like I get so much more out of it, than when I stuck making small talk with a group of 20 people. I have learned that I just do not like the chaos of larger groups and it seems no one can ever decide on anything.   With just one or two friends, we can just really talk and I can really give them all of my attention.

Maybe I have just learned to love the calmness of my life. The non chaos and learning more about what I love…. finally at age 47!

-Snarky

https://www.snarkydivorcedgirl.com/

Finding Peace That Will Last

Finding peace that will last…
I kept picking up my phone. I would open my text messages and read through the last few conversations. I opened Facebook and scrolled through the 2 or 3 new posts that had popped up. I set my phone down and picked it back up a few minutes later to check Instagram, then iMessage again, and then Facebook. The process continued with shorter and shorter intermissions. I knew I couldn’t get what I needed from any of those sources, but persistently I kept checking to see if they would soften the discontentment I felt.
Many times we can find ourselves searching for answers and fulfillment from trivial sources. The trap of looking to ease our boredom or aching in social media, shallow communication, exercise, or other external source threatens to leave us with a gaping hole that is ever-widening. Maybe, like me, you have tried running off your anxiety or suppressing the pressures of life with coffee dates and meme banter. These things, and the countless others we can reach for, can certainly pacify us but they are unable to fully satisfy. When used incorrectly they just add noise to the chaotic rumblings of our needs, wants, responsibilities and the demands placed on us.
We need a peace that can sustain us, outlast the uncertainties that come up in life, and override the chaos.  Finding peace like that is not an easy task. Lasting peace can’t be manufactured. It can’t be uncovered in a self-help book. Peace like that only comes from within us. Deeply rooted in our identity, a peace that persists can only be found when our value isn’t rooted in our failures or accomplishments, or anyone else’s for that matter.
It is through my faith in Christ, that I have found it possible to have that unfailing peace. He provides stability that I am unable to conjure on my own. No matter how many self-care tips I have tried, He has succeeded where I have failed. When I have found myself anxious and searching for security, I have begun self-assessing.
1, Where am I placing my worth and value?
2. Why isn’t that person or thing able to carry the weight of my self-perception?
3. What areas do I need to use self-control and mindfulness to place my worth and value in a lasting source?
I always come back to the familiar conclusion that my value was being placed in something or someone other than Christ. It is in those times that variability of my own performance or my lack of control over someone else creates undue stress and anxiety. These stress are quickly eliminated when I shift from controlling the things I was never meant to. Instead of trying to control people, I use self-control to challenge my perceptions. Instead of trying to control situations, I use mindfulness and intentionally choose to trust God’s plan and purposes. It is hard, but when I engage in the process it produces lasting peace.
Shon W

Who Are You Today?

Who are you?  We’re not going back to the day that your father went to work and never came home or the day that the boy across the street broke your heart or the day that your brother pushed you down the stairs & you broke your front tooth.  We’re not going back to the days when people called you a toothpick, blubber, loser, brat, waste of time, little shit. We’re not going there.

We’re here.  Right now.  Sit quietly here. Who are you?  Nope… you are not the unkept, unknown, unwanted.  Nope! You are not nothing but less or even mediocre for that matter.  Who you are now is NOT who you were from yesterday’s story, memory or description of you.  

Having those as your truth will not allow you to be in the possibility of being the person you were made to become.  It’s really simple.  

You are a beautiful, wonderful, amazing human being.  You have gifts & talents & worth & drive & courage & strength.  I can go on and on.  

When you know the Truth of who you are.  God’s Truth….. amazing, glorious & captivating.  Then whatever was from before, it falls away. You know THAT is not who you are.  THIS is who you are.  

So why go back to all the rotten names, stories, memories that someone who doesn’t know the Truth would give you?  Do you really want THAT to be who you are? That is not the truth.  Sit quietly in Gods Truth.  Wrap yourself in that blanket.  Fill your head with those thoughts & remind yourself every day……     Who does God say you are?  

Live your life from THIS place of beauty & elegance & wonderfulness & pride & love.  Welcome every day with a smile of Who You Are Today.

 

xoxo

Your God girl,

Tracy

An Eye Opening Experience

I knew that entering into high school would bring many changes to my life. Not only was I prepared for the academic challenges I’d be facing, but I was ready for the social challenges that would come along when entering a new school. One thing I knew for sure was that those I had considered close to me at the time would stick with me through it all…or so I thought.

Recently, I went through something that I would never wish upon someone else. I had an experience that truly opened my eyes to the genuine intentions of some of the people around me. Someone that I considered quite close to me for so long, made me feel as if our friendship was of no value to them. They treated me with little respect, and made it obvious that my feelings did not affect theirs.

To be honest, I really had never experienced something on this level, and I was in complete shock for many of the following days. It wasn’t until this moment that I became aware that not everyone in your life is rooting for your success or happiness, even if you have always rooted for theirs. It was also a wake up call to see who was really there for me and who actually cared about my well-being.

I’m positive that this will not be the only time that something similar to this will occur, but hopefully this experience taught me something valuable about surrounding yourself with people who care about your happiness and how YOU feel.

My advice is to really figure out who these wonderful people in your life are, and to spend time building your positive friendships. I also suggest that you distance yourself from all the negative people that want to bring you down.

-Dani<3

Release The Hold

Release the hold….

Have you ever had one of those days that before you even get out of bed, the to-do list is beyond long?  You muster up the courage to get out of bed and start the day only to find more is coming at you?  More requests, more questions, more changes.  At what point do you say no?

Maybe the no’s should have started yesterday with all the things you added to the list for today.

We do not have to say yes to everything, every time to everyone.  Release the need to say yes when we mean no, release the need to have approval from others, release the desire to be so busy we don’t have to face the true feelings, release release release.

It is not going to be easy. People expect certain things from us.  They expect a certain behavior – that we have trained them to expect.  So now, we have to retrain them by releasing what does not serve us any longer.  They may not like it.  They may ridicule and complain and huff & puff about it.  BUT they’re state of mind and happiness is not your concern.  YOURS is.

Release the people, places and things that bring you stress.  Say no to the things that do not serve a higher purpose in your life.  Walk away from situations that pull you down, drag you backwards and take away your personal power.

Only when you release will there be room for something new to come along.  Imagine…. You have 10 things on your to-do list today.  Ten ridiculous errands/chores that add no value to your life, but you want to be a good mother/friend/employee/etc… so you said yes to all of them.  THEN an event comes along that would excel your business, or teach you to reel in your back talking child, or give you the tools to be your #1….AND you cannot go, because your day is full up & all filled in.  There’s no room for anything of value.

Release and make room!

Your God girl,

Tracy

The Muscles We Don’t See

When I look at mothers, I value the muscles you can’t see…

If we are fortunate, we have friends or family members that tell us how strong we are. I have someone in my life that champions me. And, I appreciate that. But those on the outside looking in only get a glimpse. Because until you are a mom, you are not able to comprehend what it takes to survive.

Moms have the endurance of long-distance runners. Every day is a marathon. It feels like a sprint but it is a marathon. As soon as she is out of bed – actually, before that…as soon as she is awake – she is going. There is so much to do and life demands a consistent pace if there is to be any hope of getting even a portion of it completed. If this marathoner appears to be breaking stride or shortening the distance, don’t be fooled. This woman is always moving swiftly – thinking, planning, preparing, and plotting the entire time.

Mothers are incredible jugglers. You have not seen someone multi-task until you’ve seen her handle a day. Yes, we all know what studies say about multi-tasking but she proves them wrong and takes it to a new level. Making dinner, while correcting homework, starting the laundry, answering a teacher’s email, signing a permission slip and answering the phone, all while asking the kids about their day and while still wearing her work clothes. And, dinner makes it to the table on time, and the kids feel none of the effects of this whirlwind because her focus is seemingly only on them. Now that is impressive, and it is only one hour of her day. That juggle is nonstop and requires incredible muscle.

Mothers are tremendous containment specialists. When there is no one at home to confide in, to share the burden of decision making, advocating and disciplining, she needs to contain that frustration, struggle and self-doubt and put it aside as best she can.  Mom has grit. There is not enough time or energy to let that doubt and fear creep in. But it is there. It is always there. So, she shoves it down or back or into a box and moves ahead with her head high, knowing (or at least hoping that) she is doing the best she can.

No one sees all of this. And, yet, it takes a more strength than most can imagine. Not even the mom’s closest confidant truly sees the triumphs and tears, the disappointments and the dance parties, the hard days and harder nights. But in all of those moments, the real muscles are formed and refined and flexed. Mom doesn’t worry about who sees. She isn’t looking for sympathy. She doesn’t have time for that. She might need a little understanding and a little grace, or just a knowing smile from a fellow mom. She might not know where the strength she needs comes from. But it is there. Quietly growing and building, depleting and then building again.

It is those muscles, the ones no one sees, that help moms push through, carry on and strive for more.

 

Samantha

Happy 51st Birthday!

Tomorrow…51st Birthday?!?! WTF? How did that even happen???? I was literally just, like 30! The kid is 18 now too, going on 60 or so he thinks…he’s moving out soon, looking for an apartment with his friends as he works full time as a Sous Chef and tells me it isn’t “cool” to be a Sous Chef and living at home….he says it is ruining his image….pardon me while I roll around on the floor laughing. I am ruining his image???? HAHAHA—-what do you think he did for mine all these years???? (Continues to laugh until she snorts)

So now what? Here I sit at 51 and soon the kid will be on his own…so what now? It strikes me that I don’t even know who I am without having to be concerned about the boy 24/7— I support him moving, I was on my own at an early age too—-so I get that. It’s just that a moment will catch me and I am like completely undone for a flash. Composure is regained and I keep moving…I am not sure how I will sleep at night not knowing exactly where he is or if he got home safe from work…and I can’t always be asking…he will just say I am being a “helicopter parent”. I don’t think regular people GET what it is like to give up everything to pour yourself into the job of raising a child ALL on your own and having to pay for EVERYTHING and then all of a sudden it is complete…at least this phase because of course we are always their parents….that is a lifetime position….lucky us:)

Then there is the whole 51 issue…damn if I had $5.00 for every lesson I have learned…honestly it seems like the first 50 years was just training ground…sometimes I wonder how the hell I made it!! Also what is with the lines in my face all of a sudden??? Like where the F did those even come from??? UGH!

So let’s talk about some of the “biggies”—-lesson wise that is—-

I learned to watch for behavior patterns as well as actions…words I have discovered mean little….actions are important and patterns will tell you even more. Patterns show the history of someone’s behavior and that is SO important.

-I learned how to walk through fire and hell and come out the other side and I learned that the fire refines me every time and every time I come out stronger and wiser. The fire seasons are hard, yet they are the biggest gifts. Truly. When you are IN them, they are hellish—-when you are out the other side you come to appreciate their value to your growth.

-I have learned patience…mostly…:)

-I have learned how to set boundaries and how to say NO

-I have learned that I cannot fix people and I cannot save them….no matter how much I love them or how much I want to…only they can save themselves.

-I have learned and seen first hand that no matter how long it takes, karma NEVER loses an address.

-I learned that I am not for everyone and that is OK.

And lastly I learned to understand my worth and to value that…this one took almost the whole 51 years to get…

There are SO many more…however those are the BIG ones, the ones that came as a result of walking through fire seasons. Life really is a work in progress and change is what keeps pushing us forward…the kid moving will be its own season for me, not quite a fire season yet some sort of reclaiming…

Reclaiming parts of myself that I had to put aside in order to effectively be his mother and make it work…it will be interesting to see who I become now that I can breathe a little…I look forward to sharing this coming season with you.

I will say that I am grateful for ALL of what came before and that I have also learned to have GRACE for myself and for others as well as I learned that everything really IS working together for good even when I cannot see.

Talk next week.

XOXO,

Noelle

Know Your Worth

When approaching 51, you end up doing this sort of involuntary assessment of your existence up to this point…it’s not like a planned thing, it just happens…you find yourself thinking through the decades that have passed and you start looking at what you learned.

If you are me you also think you need to share the things you could have done better because perhaps you will keep someone else from making those particular errors.

Here’s one of my biggest “I could have done betters” career wise — not realizing my worth in the workplace and conducting myself accordingly.  Up until about 3 or 4 years ago I undervalued myself and allowed other people to undervalue me as well— I also did a fair amount of enabling people disguised as being a power performer.  I was talking this morning on the FB Live about how we end up just putting our heads down and moving toward the goal without really giving much thought to how we ARE in the process.  What happens in the workplace is the same…we behave in the same way, we take our –badass single parent, we can get anything done– attitude and we apply it everywhere—without much thought to how we are being treated in return.  We may tend to undervalue ourselves in a work environment by doing this…

For me that showed up for years as me doing everything I was asked, pushing through to get the result no matter what, always saying yes, not asking to be compensated for doing many different jobs, trying to please everyone and make everything easier for them…I trusted that people would treat me the way I treated them…often that was not the case.

Looking back on it all now I see that I did a lot of enabling others because I just always made everything OK and handled it…I was so worried about keeping the bills paid and a roof over our heads that I never once stopped to think about if I was being compensated for what I was WORTH.  In hindsight I could have done so so SO much better—if I had understood how much value I contributed I would have understood how to ask for things in relation to that—instead I just took what was offered and kept doing more…

I am so very grateful for all that I learned in these last two decades and for all of the opportunities that were extended to me, I simply wish that I had taken better care of myself in the process and that I had valued myself as much as I should have.  I would like to see you ladies avoid this – value yourselves, ask for what you deserve and don’t be afraid to walk away if something isn’t working—take care of you—you are worth far more than you think.

 

XO, Noelle