Tag Archives: trust

All In With A Winning Hand

Have you ever gone to Vegas and sat at a gambling table?  Or maybe you’ve played poker with some friends.  Have you ever trusted the hand that was dealt to you so much that  you went “All In” ?  Every last chip you had in front of you, you slid them into the middle of the table, knowing with all your heart & soul that you had a winning hand?

Your attitude was a little cocky, your eyes were a little squinted and your demeanor was a lot challenging.  But you trusted your gut!   And you knew that once you went “All In” you wouldn’t be able to change your mind.  You can’t say never mind & pull them back out.  You can’t beg for mercy or cry or throw the table over.  You sit with your decision.  And Hope.  And Trust.  

THAT is how we should feel about all our choices.  We should know with our deepest knowing.  Our GUT!  Trust with all the blood running through our veins.  Move ahead into what we said we’d do with the strongest of assurance and conviction.  The knowing from deep inside.  When our heart palpitates, our gut somersaults, our skin tingles.  Like that.

Not the flighty thoughts that meander around our brain on a whimsical day, but the thoughts and ideas we contemplate on, makes lists about and ask others a list of questions on.  Those ones.

Let the idea boil, then let it simmer and if you still feel convicted in your gut… at your place of truth… then it is yours to manifest.  It’s yours to go after.  Just like pushing your chips into the middle of the table.   With Hope. With Trust. Move forward with adventure and certainty.  Going “All In” with what you have in front of you knowing that your return will be tenfold.

And…as always, have fun doing it.

 

xoxo

Your God girl,

Tracy

The Secret Know

The secret know…..the last few weeks I have really been thinking about what I want in a relationship. Maybe because for the first time in a long time, I’m kinda sorta in one.

It’s hard for me to let my guard down. Let someone in. Say this is my person.

I have mentioned this before I am afraid. I have let myself want things I didn’t think I could have, only to have them taken away.

Then I realize fear should not be my guide.

Caution sure. But fear. Then I’ll never move forward. I can’t use it as my shield to not be honest with myself or others. I think sometimes I do.

In fact I know I do.

It’s easier to walk away when you don’t let someone completely in. 

On the flip-side I think it has also made me settle.I have maybe looked the other way in certain situations out of fear.Both of committing and if I’m being honest. Being alone.

After my divorce I plunged headfirst into a relationship with an ex boyfriend. He moved back to our home state to be with me. I was overwhelmed by the gesture. Except he moved closer to his family, not me. We were together for a really long time and in that time he never tried to meet my daughter. One grand gesture can’t forgive that.

Yet for the longest time I let it. Among other things.

I casually started dating.  It felt like Lemony Snickett and a Series of Unfortunate Events.I think it was fifty percent me and fifty percent them.And to be honest … dating is hard. Dating after divorce. Harder. Dating divorced with children is even harder. Dating with children and you’re over a certain age – hardest. Then out of nowhere I reconnected with an old friend and here we are trying to figure it out.

Well ok, I am.

The balance.

How much do I let him in?

How much do I tell my daughter?

Do I tell my daughter?

How much do I ask for?

What can I ask for?

For some of you reading this you may be thinking what is the problem?

Welp.

I was what you’d like to call a late bloomer.

Dating

Marriage

Motherhood 

I feel like I’m learning again and it’s terrifying and exciting.Secretly, I do kinda know what I want.

A partner in crime.

Who recognizes I have legitimately built my life around my daughter. So I want to let you in. It’s just scary. I have to think of her. Just have to.

I want the cheesy..

Not all of it but some.

I have never had it. Ever.

I have always been an afterthought even in my own marriage. 

I am kinda of over that. Not kinda. I am.

You know when you were a kid and you got picked last on a team? That is how it has been for me in my relationships. Maybe because I’m so independent I have accepted it as part of being independent. But there’s a line and I think I’ve let too many people cross it.

I said it last week and I will say it again.

To not be afraid.

To not be afraid to want things.

To ask for them.

To not be embarrassed or feel bad that I want them.

I keep thinking I tell my daughter to embrace who she is and lean into all the things that make her great. What would she think if she knew her Mom doesn’t know how to speak up for herself when she cares about someone?

A friend sent me a meme recently it was:

Friend: I need some advice. Me: eating a tube of cookie dough. “You’ve come to the right place.”

I have never identified with a meme more.I support and cheer-lead the people I love.Yet here I am a bit helpless. A lot clueless. Still scared.

I think I know what I want. Now this guarded girl needs to work on phase two.

Communication.

Please pass the cookie dough on your way out…

Be safe

Much love Mommas

💚Caprise

Don’t Let Your Anger Consume You

Don’t let your anger consume you. It’s ok to be angry-angry at our kids, our friends, our coworkers, our boss, the person in your life. Angry for the things that happen to us in our lives,angry how people have treated us.

How do you get past it and move on?  How do you not let it control all the other areas of your life?  How do you not let it consume you?

I experienced a situation with someone that I was very close to (or thought I was very close to) that caused me much anger.  I was sad and so disappointed in myself and that person.

I had suspected that there was mistrust in our relationship and I ended the relationship.  Yep, I  ended it because I suspected the mistrust.  In the end, I never got any of the answers that I needed or wanted. 

I like things out in the open,all on the same page with what is expected.  And I have a hard time when people can not be honest back.  I had communicated that to him, but unfortunately he could not reciprocate that same communication.  I believe now that I was probably just told what he thought I wanted to hear.I  wish this could have all been avoided if he would have communicated instead of it leading to distrust.  

 I was angry at myself for letting this person in my life,so angry for that. I was angry because I allowed myself to put up blinders and I am still angry with myself for not following my gut or reading the signs.   I know everything that I probably believe is not all true, but I do know there was mistrust and dishonesty.  In the end, he obviously had very little respect for me.  

When It happened, I wanted to lash out…I did not understand.  I was so disappointed in myself.  How could I let this person in my life? How could I stand by this person for months?  How could I give him support when he needed it?

I was probably more angry with myself than with him.  I had to realize that as much as I wanted some answers on what was the truth, I was not going to get them.

I could try and piece it together in my head, but in the end It did not really matter.  I could spend months or endless days being angry but It was not going to change anything.   It happened and now I had to get past the anger I was feeling.

I have not had a lot of mistrust in my life.  I did not have mistrust growing up or in my past marriage, so this was new.  This was a new experience for me and I had to learn how to get past it.  I have been mad at people and experienced anger before, but not with mistrust involved.   

I knew if I did not get past it, It would take over other areas of my life. I would be stressed at my kids when I didn’t need to be.I would be short or annoyed with things that normally didn’t bother me.  I would just snap for no reason at all.  I would just be so mad and I had to let it go. 

I had to stop replaying everything and beating myself up.  Things happen in our lives, that make us so angry and it’s how we respond that gets us through it.  I feel I learn to let more and more go as I move through life,  I knew if I wanted to be happy again I had to just let this go. 

Let go of the hurt and disappointment… Not let it consume me.  

As I was pushing through this all,  I realized that it was ok for me to be angry at times. It was totally fine for me to have a rant to my friends every week about what I really thought and they would respond with all their juvenile name calling to make me feel better. 

I knew I had to get through the anger first before I could get through other areas affected by this… I had to get through this before I could trust or let people in again.  It was like the first layer that I had to peel through and then work on the rest.

-Snarky

 

www.snarkydivorcedgal.com

Sweet Sixteen

Last week was my daughter’s 16th birthday…It’s her sweet sixteen and its just the beginning of more independence, more letting go, more compromise, and more trust…and still embracing it all…

I struggled all week, because she is growing up. I must have asked her a million times what she wanted to do for her birthday.  All she wanted to do was go out to dinner with her friends after practice.  At first I was crushed… how could she not want to spend her birthday dinner with her family.  How could she not want to spend it with me and her 2 siblings… haha.  

So, I graciously agreed to let her go to dinner with her friends.  I will not lie..It felt a little sad to have dinner at home with just my other two children on her birthday.    But I offered to pay for her and her friends, as long as I got one picture of them all together. And after she got home, we celebrated with cheesecake and presents.  In the end, it was her day, so I let her celebrate it how she wanted.  And she thanked me numerous time for letting them go to dinner that night.  

I came to grips with it by the end of the week..but watching your kids grow up and gain more and more independence is painful.   When they are little, we just make all the decisions for them… from the birthday party theme to the guest list to the cake to the games… It all centers around our decisions.  As they get older, I have to remember to let them make some decisions.  And I have to remember that it might not be what I want…

And besides her birthday, I have been going through months of driving lessons.  Months of griping to the side of the car door, months of gasping for a breath, and months of wondering if people ever die with student drivers….Months of saying the words “slow down”..Months of letting her get in a car with her friends that already have their license.  I am not sure what is worse… her driving or her being the passenger with her friends…

And this summer when she wanted to go to a beach about an hour away with her friends driving..   I did not want to let her go, I was so worried, I was a wreck most of the day.. But I made her call me when she left, call me they got there, and call me on the way home.  Maybe a little overboard, but hearing her voice throughout the day, made me be a little more sane that day.  I had to learn to trust her and this is how you do it.  But I guess that is what we do… we give them little bits of independence and see how they can handle it. 

And now its christmas, and she does not want to “hang out” with the family as much.  She is starting new traditions with her friends… going to look at Christmas Lights with her group, baking cookies with them, and exchanging gifts.  

And she keeps bringing up going on a girls weekend this summer… YIKES!!  And then I remember that my parents let me go with my friends to look at colleges when I was 16.  And then that hits me…College… what the hell! 

She is registering for her junior year of school, along with looking ahead to her senior year.  She is starting to think about what she wants to do after highschool.  And I am thinking where did the time go.  Will I maybe only have 2 years left with her at home… 

How do I handle all the independence and freedom?  And embrace all the things that you want to explore?  

I guess I still cherish the moments that you want to spend with us.  I have learned to enjoy the 10 minute car ride to target.  I have learned to enjoy the 5 minutes you pop in with your friends in between practice and a sleepover.  I love that you still watch grey’s anatomy and we can talk about it over and over again.  

I have learned to let go of those mornings that you are so crabby I can not even look at you..and 10 minutes later you come upstairs and act like nothing happened.  

I have learned that I pick and choose what I “make” you do with us…. I compromise. I compromise over and over again.  

I give more independence. I trust. I compromise. I let go. And I watch over you again and again…

 

-Snarky


www.snarkydivorcedgal.com

No Means No

When raising your children-No means just that.  When you say it, and stick to it, you are teaching your children that you mean what you say.  In that exact moment the answer is No. End of story. Not willing to  negotiation, listen to rebuttle or crying. Mamma said No.  

If they have a bad reaction to it and you cave in, let their stomping and crying and fits of upset change your mind, you are showing them that you do not mean what you say.  Period. You just said No, and now after their upset, you say something different -you say Fine, or Go Ahead or Whatever. Simply, you don’t mean what you say.  

When you tell them they are wonderful, amazing, beautiful, etc….and when you tell them you love them & will always be there for them……  

They won’t believe you.  

Because remember what happened when you said No.  

You didn’t mean what you said.  

They don’t know the difference, it doesn’t matter what the story is…they just know that  you don’t mean what you say.  They cannot count on you. They cannot depend on you. They cannot trust you.

When they throw a temper tantrum or roll their eyes at you, get mad & slam their bedroom door, say you’re the worst mom ever.  Stand firm. Be strong. And mean what you say.  

When my son was young I taught him at a very young age that if he had a reaction to my No, there was a consequence and he was grounded.  He learned very quickly that when mom said No, she meant it. Mom meant what she said, and he knows without a doubt that I love him.

xoxo

Your God Girl

Tracy

The Whole Pie

The whole pie…

I have shared with you all there are certain things I am hesitant to share.

I have been told I can be hard to know. Not as a person but in relationships. I don’t share, I put my guard up.

It’s definitely something I am working on and working through.

God bless my therapist.

At the core of it is trust. While in my day to day I see the best in people sometimes to a fault. For people I am in relationships with I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

That blueprint was laid down early on. If I’m being honest, I think I have only had two relationships my whole life where I wasn’t cheated on. I will own some of this. I tend to fall for the men who in conversations I end my sentences with he’s not like that when he’s with me. He promises he won’t. He will by a certain date.

The irony is I come from a family where my parents have been married for over forty plus years. They are loving and supportive.

Where did I learn that wasn’t what I deserved? When did I become “The Fixer of Broken Boys”?

I honestly don’t know.

The older my daughter gets, the more I realize I have to make sure I show her what a healthy relationship looks like. 

Sad thing is here I sit at almost fifty and guess what? I am just starting to have one.

Now you know that.

We still have some mountains to climb and we have our moments, but for the first time since I became a single Mom, I think this person might be someone worthy of my daughter.

That is saying something because well, I have been single since she was two and she’s twelve.

I have someone who doesn’t dismiss me when I am upset. The phrase “I am not trying to lessen how you feel…” , has actually been used when he has been perhaps sharing his side of a disagreement.

I feel like I can let down my walls. Here’s the thing. They are those electric mall kind, so I can just as quickly put them back up. But they’re firmly in the middle right now. That’s a start.

My best friend, who is also a single Mom and has known me since I was thirteen, shared with me a beautiful post about you should be in a relationship that feels like you have the whole pie. 

I don’t have the whole pie just yet but I definitely have a pretty big slice.

As I do I’m sending you love Mommas.

<3 Caprise

Back In The Pool

Going back in the pool.

I have gently alluded to what I’m about to write about in a few blogs.

It’s a tricky thing when you write a blog like this. On one hand I know by sharing there is a chance I may help someone or make someone laugh. On the other hand I am putting a piece of me and sometimes someone else out in the universe.

That is hard enough to do normally but when you are a person who like me is incredibly guarded… let’s just say every week when I submit these I’m surprised by what I share.

However, in this case I have a blessing and strong encouragement so away we go.

So I’m dating again.

Not plural.

Just one person. He was a surprise and the more I get to know him the more I want to know him. I have broken a lot of rules for him and let me just say he is the most patient human.

He also likes to get me to get outside of my comfort zone.

For example eating at a restaurant I normally wouldn’t choose like…

Hooters.

Are you laughing yet?

Maybe rolling your eyes.

Or perhaps raising your fist in solidarity?

Here’s the thing while in college, I had a handful of friends who made quite a living off of working at Hooters. But I just could never see myself eating there.

Until a few weeks ago.

Him: Wanna get dinner tonight?

Me: Yes please

Him: How do you feel about wings?

Me: Love ‘em

Him: See ya at Hooters at 630

Me: (in a squeak…) ok

Him: You will be fine, seriously the food is good.

Me: Sure

I met him in the parking lot and he gave me his normal bear hug and kiss on my forehead. Held my hand and away we went.

As soon as the young ladies at the host stand said Welcome to Hooters… my face. So red.

Here’s the thing.

A couple actually… Hooters now (I’m going to go out on a limb) is decidedly different than the Hooters from my college days. Let’s start with the outfits, there were men working there, families (!) eating there and yes Mommas the wings were really good.

So much so, that when I left with my person I said I would come back, and I would.

But this isn’t really about Hooters.

It’s about stepping outside your comfort zone. It is easy to not try new things because you’re afraid or you believe it may be a certain way. Like for example- dating.

I am not going to tell you dating as a single parent is rough. You know.

I am not going to tell you dating as a woman of a certain age isn’t scary. You know that too.

I am not going to tell you that it’s a lot to put yourself out there after being made to feel like a failure by someone who didn’t deserve you. You know.

What I will tell you …

I am learning there is someone in my life who makes me feel more beautiful at 47 than I ever did at 25. Who asks about my day. Wants to know my G. Can tell when I’m sad. Surprises me. Supports my dreams. Sends me music.

Makes me teary as I write this- because for the first time in a long time I am not afraid to talk about a future. I can actually see it.

And yes, makes me want to break more rules.

I still have a life jacket near the edge of the proverbial pool,but I don’t know Mommas, kinda glad I got some wings at Hooters.

 

<3 Caprise

No More Goodnight

“Ok G ready to be tucked in?”

“I’m good Mom”

“What?”

“I’m going to tuck myself in.”

“Oh ok, Do you need anything, A hug?”

“Nope, Mom I’m good.”

“Juice?”

“Got it.”

“Ok well I love you.”

“I love you too Mom.”

That is when my eleven year old daughter broke my heart.

Bedtime is a ritual. It’s a treasured ritual. It’s sometimes the only time of the day I get to talk to G about her day where she is unfiltered. It’s when we cuddle. We joke. We even have our own poem. It’s been our thing since she was two.

I treasure that quiet with her, don’t get me wrong,when I’m an exhausted mess I would be a liar if I told you before she could read I didn’t edit stories so we could both get to sleep faster.

But this is different.

She chose this.

As she is a lot of things lately.

Which I’m happy about… her finding her footing, being comfortable and independent. But for nine years good, bad or otherwise she has been my solar system.

So much so she has never met a single person I’ve dated. I can hear your collective intake of breath and tongue clucks. Read my blog series… it will make sense.

Maybe

That’s not why we’re here. Another time. Another time.

I want my girl to feel secure but does this mean she doesn’t need me?

We have started entering the stage of one syllable answers to questions, if I get answer. I embarrass her now. Before if I broke out in song in the car she would have sang along, now she yells for me to stop.

She also comments on things about me she didn’t before.

I’ll just say it- how I look. How I act.

So this is new for me,as before I was Mom. Gorgeous no matter what. Perfect no matter what. Allowed to tuck in no matter what.

Now she sees me.

I mean really sees me.

My stress, my hurt, my happy. My silly. She doesn’t always like what she sees and she tells me.

She asks me point blank questions about things she never did before.

Honest.

Brutal.

The reality of not tucking her in is more than just not tucking her in.

She’s growing up. While I am incredibly proud of who she is becoming. I selfishly still want her to need me. Is she still going to need me?

Will you still need me …When I’m 64? Beatles song… sorry…

I am sure she does and will. I am 47 and when I’m sick all I want is my Mom, but I think you get it.

Relationships between Mothers and daughters can be fragile things. I’m scared.

What if I screw this up?

And now you know my secret. While I hate I’m not tucking her in. It  does mean some extra quiet time for me. Our majestic golden doodle now sleeps with her. Less chaos at bedtime because she is handling it.

But it also means we are entering those years.

The ones we see on the Lifetime movies, talk shows, The Kardashian’s.

Ok, I don’t watch that… but ack!

I certainly don’t want to be a cool Mom.  I mean, raise your hand if you saw Mean Girls?

Whoa

But I want to be someone she can come to. That is my fear. Or at the least if not me someone else and know she can send them my way after.

I went to college with women who couldn’t talk to their Moms. I am friends with women who couldn’t talk to their Moms. I sometimes can’t talk to my Mom.

I don’t want perfect but I want a balance. Guys,I am so terrified you know who will goof it up. I know I keep saying that, but I think sometimes as a single Mom we wear our worry and sadly guilt like jewelry, heavy around our necks. We don’t mean to, but for me I know I made the right choice but it’s still a tough one and it still is hard on her.

Deep breath….

For now I am going to still ask if she needs anything about three times at bedtime.

Sneak in after she’s asleep and kiss her forehead.

Revel in the fact that even though my poor baby had the worst tummy bug ever the other night guess who she had tuck her in?

That’s right.. the same lady who sings Jump Around at embarrassing levels in the school pick up lane.

We got this Mama.

At least I think we do.

Big loves Mamas

 

~~Caprise

Single Mom of the amazing Dbl G
Teacher
Sometime DJ
T-shirt collector
Henry Rollins Middle Aged Punk Prom Date

Adventures in Parenting: I Cannot Tell A Lie

When I became a mom, a friend of mine told me that my child would eventually lie to me. Surely she wouldn’t. I hadn’t lied to my parents (well, hardly at all), and my child would be a better person than I am. My friend was wrong. Plain wrong.

Then it happened. My adorable daughter lied to me — shortly after she could construct complex sentences.

My two year old walked into the room wearing the jeans and t-shirt that I had put on her that morning, plus what looked like half a bottle of moisturizer — in her hair, on her shirt, and all over her jeans. Just then, the cat ran past me covered with what was obviously the rest of the moisturizer from the bottle.

So as an educated woman who had read all of the best parenting books, I asked my moisturizer-slathered cherub the stupidest question possible,

“Who put moisturizer on the cat?”

“He did it himself.”

She said this while looking me straight in the eyes. It was hard not to laugh, but the skill with which she had lied (minus the circumstantial evidence all over her and the poor cat) was unnerving. I hoped that I wasn’t raising a future criminal.

By the time she was five, my daughter had become more devious, but I could still stay one step ahead of her. Anytime she had something in her possession that she shouldn’t have, she hid it under her bed — every single time. When the Easter basket was missing a chocolate bunny that we were going to “save until after dinner”, I found the foil wrapper under her bed. Although she wasn’t sophisticated enough to change her hiding spot, she seemed genuinely contrite whenever I found something under her bed that shouldn’t be there. I counted guilt as progress.

Now that she is a teenager, trying to stay one step ahead of her is at best challenging. Instead, I strive to nurture both honesty and open communication. We have had many conversations that have included my saying, “If you are ever in a situation where you need a sober ride, call me. I may not be happy, but you know I love you and I want you to be safe.”

The other day, she explained to me that an older sister of one of her friends had texted while driving. This scared me, but I was glad that my daughter felt comfortable telling me about it. Apparently she asked the girl to put her phone down and told her that if she did it again, she wouldn’t ride with her.

Will my teenager lie to me? Surely she will. I also think that she will talk to me when it is important — and for that, I am grateful.

Liz Possible ​is a Writer and Single Mom Extraordinaire. She lives in Minnesota with her two teenage daughters and their cats, Beau and Phoebe. “Possible” is her attitude, not her legal name — but then you knew that. Follow Liz at her blog at www.lizpossible.com and her FaceBook page at https://www.facebook.com/MySingleMomLife/

I Will Take It Minute By Minute

I Will Take It Minute by Minute…

A little history before you read this post. I wrote this shortly after my husband and I separated. We had a long and turbulent marriage. I was married for 12 years and we have 3 beautiful children. During those years I dealt with some physical abuse from my husband…infidelity on my husband’s part…drugs and drinking on my husband’s part…emotional abuse from my husband…the list goes on. That is not to say I was perfect but Lord how I tried to make it work.  It has been over a year now and I am happy to say that I am at a much better place!

The sadness I felt and often still feel is overwhelming. There is no other way to describe it.Some days takes everything I have to put one foot in front of the other. It takes every ounce of energy to get up…to get dressed…to eat…to be a mom…to care. I am not sure many people truly understand. After being married for so long…even though my children are with me…it is a very lonely feeling. Even though we had so many bad times, there were also good times. I just kept hoping the good times would win out. There are still just some days I feel like I am drowning with no way out.

Minute by Minute…

It is so hard to look at social media because my life is certainly not what I pictured it to be right now. My husband and I attended church together and I feel like I have been alienated by the church and community. I am in survival mode.

How can I do it all?

Only God knows how.

I am not going to make it without Him. I find myself turning to Him so much. God and my babies. Some days I am not sure how I get through them. I am not the person I want to be. I feel like I have never been good enough for my husband or his family. I feel abandoned by everyone. Am I that bad of a person that I don’t deserve something good? If it wasn’t for my children I don’t think I would even care. The hurt is just a lot. Lord help me climb out of whatever I am in.

There are so many questions about my future and my children’s future. So much uncertainty. So much fear of the future. I am so sad…so hurt. Still so hurt. Even though I made this decision (which I believe in my heart to be the right decision) it doesn’t make it any easier. Do I just feel too much? Can we fast forward to the easier part? Please oh please? Did I mean nothing to my husband? Does he not hurt? Does he not care? Did he ever care? He has hurt me so many times. What do I do? I pray…I get up every day and do it all again.

Minute by Minute…

I worry how this affects my kids. Will they be okay? I want something. I want someone to love me. To actually care about me. I want someone who wants to protect me instead of hurt me. Is that too much to ask for? Where will I be in a year? Where will I live? Will my kids understand why I did what I did? Will they blame me then like I feel they do now?

My reality is certainly not as bad as some…but it is my reality. Doesn’t make it any easier. Things could always be worse.

So here I am living on my faith…doing the best I can (trying) and waiting for the day things will get better. They will get better. Surviving the hard times is the hard part! Praying I can make it until then. Praying I will be worthy one day. Worthy as a Christian, as a mom, as a partner for someone who will be worthy of me!

Day by day is too much.

I will be taking it minute by minute.

~Ann~