Tag Archives: toxic

Cleaning Out The Fridge

Cleaning out the fridge…

Last Sunday on Coffee Chat I started to talk to you about how thoughts and habits that no longer serve you can be just as toxic as relationships and behaviors that no longer serve you. The issue is that toxic thought is harder to see, it is not as obvious as the other stuff. Thought patterns that no longer serve you are usually hidden deep beneath the surface and we think so many thoughts in a day, who has time to do a forensic assessment of every thought?

Yet thoughts become patterns and when we do not clean out the stuff that is not working, we can’t truly manifest NEW good that will stick around.

My best analogy for this is your refrigerator — if you have hidden rotting food in the back of your refrigerator or in the drawers and you don’t clean it out then the fresh food that you put in will become contaminated. The rotting food will literally poison the fresh food.

It is like this with your thoughts, habits, relationships, behaviors etc— if you don’t clean out the old stuff that isn’t working then it will contaminate the new good that you are trying to bring into your life.

Getting rid of toxic thought patterns and behaviors is hard—suffering the consequences of not getting rid of them is harder. Pick your hard.

Personally, I would rather choose what to work on than to let it choose me—life is meant for learning— continuing to work on yourself is progress and no matter what progress is a good thing.

Most people stop working on themselves, or they never start and that is how they end up stuck in lives that they don’t LOVE.

Let’s NOT be those people—let’s be the people that keep reinventing ourselves in better versions— we are a lifelong project, time to embrace that concept.

Join us on Sunday’s Coffee Chat to talk about creating NEW habits that serve the life you want.

XO, Noelle

Drawing Lines In The Sand

Drawing Lines In the Sand…

Continuing our discussion about stopping unhealthy situations in your life, let’s talk about what happens when you start drawing lines in the sand with dysfunctional/toxic relationships…

First, the other people often don’t like it and they get angry, belligerent, mean and/or distant…that’s OK, let them.  Second, your new behavior might feel weird to you…you may feel guilty or wrong or like you are a bad person…that’s OK too…beginning to practice healthy behavior in relationships that have long been dysfunctional often feels “off”.  New behavior is an ADJUSTMENT.  

When we are chronic fixers, savers and rescuers finally drawing lines in the sand and saying “NO MORE” feels like putting on your clothes backwards…it just seems “wrong”—-you have to have space for that, if you can’t wade through the discomfort while standing your ground you will never be able to make a lasting behavioral change.

Change is HARD, changing behaviors that no longer serve you is even harder—-especially when it involves close or family relationships. You have got to be willing to work through the HARD.

The alternative is to continue to participate in things that are toxic to you and the price for that is your vitality and your aliveness…my lifetime best friend said to me today, “you can’t help another breathe if you suffocate first.”  TRUTH.  There is a reason that on an airplane they tell you to secure your oxygen mask FIRST— because you are of no use to help anyone if you cannot BREATHE.

Begin to PAY ATTENTION to what is taking your energy and if that is worth it to you.  I am so over trying to help people that don’t want to help themselves—honestly if people don’t want to do the work on themselves to be functional and healthy we cannot correct that and we certainly cannot save or fix them.

The price for behaviors and habits is the amount of life that you are willing to exchange for them.  If something or someone is taking your energy and not giving anything back that is too high of a price to pay.  You have to learn to make yourself important and make taking time for yourself important.  

You are the only one that knows what works for you.  Start drawing your lines in the sand about what you will tolerate and what you will not—-you don’t have to justify that to anybody and it is OK if people don’t understand — they don’t have to.

It has taken me almost 52 years to see that I don’t have to do things to please other people, that it is OK to say NO, that it doesn’t matter what people think of me, that I can’t save people from themselves and that the only thing I can control is my own behavior.  Don’t wait 52 years to stop over-doing and over-functioning— start drawing your lines now and start making yourself a priority.  See you on Sunday for Coffee Chat.

 

XO, Noelle

Time For A Change

Time for A Change.

If you did not catch my FB Live this past Sunday morning (7-5-20) then I suggest that you go and watch it or listen to the podcast recording of it.  It will give more power and meaning to this blog post—judging by the response the video is getting over the last several hours I would say that my topic choice hit home for a lot of you.

Let us start by defining “toxic”…

Toxic is defined as – very bad, unpleasant, or harmful.

There comes a time in our lives when we need to start looking around and acknowledging what is stealing our aliveness— most of us are so busy and so bogged down that we don’t even look around to see why we have less energy, why we are eating too much, why we aren’t taking care of ourselves—we just think “oh that’s just my life” or “that’s how it has to be”— I am calling BULLSHIT on all of those excuses.  The truth is if you are anything like me you have said yes far too many times when you really wanted to say NO or you have done something when you didn’t want to because you did not want to deal with what came from not doing it.

We go along to get along A LOT of the time and we think that we are doing ourselves a favor by causing less headaches in the moment—however at close to 52 and after running many businesses and raising a kid for 19 years all on my own, I can honestly tell you that I am not sure we are doing ourselves a favor by not standing up and speaking our own truth even if people don’t like it or want to hear it.

Every time that we shrink ourselves to suit someone else, we DULL our own edges and then before you know it we turn around and we have become some shadowy version of who we were.  When we do that, we don’t like ourselves much because a part of us knows that we are saying yes to avoid conflict or going along just to keep the peace etc.

Yes, there are times we when we will have to do things we don’t want to do and times that we will have to suck it up—I get that.  What I am mostly speaking about here and on the live this morning is how doing this can become a daily habit instead of just a “sometimes” occurrence.  The pain that we think we are saving ourselves from in the moment actually is nothing compared to the suffering that we cause ourselves by not speaking our truth and drawing lines in the sand when things are not acceptable to us.

I don’t believe in regrets—however I do believe that there are things that I could have done better so far in my almost 52 years and one of the biggies is that I could have made clear boundaries instead of trying to keep everybody happy at the expense of my own self-worth.  I am much better with it now; however, it is an active project for me—making sure that I am saying what really works for me and what doesn’t.

The biggest place that this one catches us is with toxic family situations or toxic relationships—often in these situations it can cause so much temporary drama to speak our truth and stand up for ourselves…

The cost though for not doing it is your energy, your joy, your ‘aliveness’—I am asking you this week to start looking into your life to see what is unacceptable, what isn’t ok with you, what you have been putting up with to keep the peace.  The first step is to bring it to consciousness and then start thinking about what needs to be done to shift it.  It will not happen overnight, and it will be a process—however you cannot wait one more minute to start saying what is really so for you.

It is time that you mattered to you—it’s time to see what is not working and it is time to do something about that—go watch the FB live.  See you Sunday for Coffee Chat.

 

XO, N.

Is It Too Soon For A Relationship?

After I got divorced the first thing I did was look for a relationship.  I thought that was what I should do.  I did not realize that I should have taken the time to learn about myself and what I needed.  I did not take the time to learn what I wanted.

There were so many things that I did not realize at the time.   I was recently divorce and thought that I knew what I wanted.  I went on an online dating site and met someone within months of being divorced.  At the time, I thought I wanted a serious relationship.  I mean, what else do you do after divorce but find someone else….

We dated for over a year and it was a roller coaster of emotions.   At the time, I thought this is what I should be doing. I got divorced and now I should meet someone else.  Our relationship started out great, but soon faded.  We each had kids and with our schedules it was hard to find time together. In addition, as we got more involved in our relationship I wanted our kids to spend time together.  I quickly learned how hard it was to date someone with kids when you both have different schedules.  Dating with kids is hard.  I was trying to make him into something he was not and I was also doing things that I did not want, just to make him happy.

Besides thinking that we should each spend time together, I also thought that our kids should spend time together.  They were all different ages and did not all want to spend time together.  I wanted us to do things together as a family.    When I did not have my kids, I would spend time with him and his kids. I would help him with running them to their activities or whatever they needed.  And I did not have any time to myself or learn about my own life after divorce.  I thought this is what I should be doing.

Our relationship was very toxic at the end.  We would fight, said unforgivable things, and make up so many times.  I was scared to be alone and didn’t know what I would do without him.  We ended up breaking up.  Our facebook status couldn’t keep up with all the changes, it was a daily status update.  I  soon realized that our relationship was so wrong.  I was trying to go from a marriage of 13 years to a serious relationship with someone else before knowing exactly what I wanted.

I did not know what I wanted in a partner or even my own life.  I have now had the time to learn about myself and what I love. I have time finally do the things that I love.  While we were dating, I would spend my time doing the things he loved.  I did not take time to do what I wanted.  I love to workout, hike, and be outside.

I  would put those things aside and not do them because I felt they were not that important.   I have now learned that those things are a priority to me and I put them first.

It took me a long time to be ok with not being with someone else, not spending every moment with a date or a boyfriend.  It’s so important to know what you want and what you like before rushing into a relationship.   I learned that it is important to not settle, just to be with someone.  And I am pretty sure I have learned over the last year what I do not want..haha.  I had to learn about what I truly valued in life and in a person that would be spending time with me and eventually my children.  I had to learn what I wanted from someone in a relationship and how serious of a relationship that I was looking for right now.

During my relationship, I thought I was ready for this.  I can now look back on it and I know that I  should have taken the time to learn about myself, what I want in a relationship, and what’s important to me

Snarky divorced gal

www.snarkydivorcedgal.com