Tag Archives: TInder

Dating In The 21st Century

****Attention! Our resident dating expert, P. Charlotte Lindsey, is making contributions to our blog...PLEASE note that there is colorful language in her posts,which actually makes them even more enjoyable,however I wanted to warn you because I don’t want to hear that we offended you in some way. If colorful dating/relationship language offends you PLEASE do not read.  Thanks.  XO, Noelle

 

Way, way back in the olden days, before Tinder and on-line dating existed – before the Internet, texting, cell phones, and even My Space, courtship was somewhat uncomplicated:  

 

LATE 20TH CENTURY DATING PARADIGM:

A. On any given Saturday night, a gal would go out with friends, spot a dude, bat eyelashes, and meet said dude.  

B. Gal and dude would go on a date…  then several more.  

C. Dude would give gal a piece of jewelry that she’d flash at her seething single friends, gleefully explaining that said gesture indicated she and dude were exclusive  (a/k/a “going steady”). 

D. Weekly date-nights, and daily phone calls ensue.

E. Three months later there would be sex. 

NOTE:  Gal would only share this info with closest girlfriends, as she would not want to be viewed as a “slut” (translation: ho).  Meanwhile dude would secretly be sleeping with sluts because gal would only do missionary.

F. Four months following sex, there would be an engagement.

G. Following six, long, tortuous months of blabbering about bridal showers, bachelorette parties, gift registration drama, honeymoon dilemmas, and non-stop talking about the f#@%ing wedding (breathe), there would be an actual freaking wedding.  

H. Kids.

I. Fifteen years later, half of these couples would divorce and start reading my blog.

 

Easy peasy!  Eight simple steps to matrimony, and a fifty-percent chance of happily ever after.

 

In the 21st Century, with the advent of on-line dating, romance is a whole new ball of wax.  No longer must a girl needlessly attend sporting events in which she has no interest, hang out at bars sucking down calories and throwing down cash.  Gone are the days of going to the gym, libraries, lectures, or jazz concerts at art museums. Jogging, hiking, and yoga – a thing of the past!

Now all a girl has to do to meet the man of her dreams is sit on her lazy ass in front of an old Law & Order repeat, with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and a cell phone.  Thanks to Tinder and its on-line cousins, there is a whole new model for modern romance:

 

21ST CENTURY DATING PARADIGM:

 A. On any given Saturday night, gal flops on couch in sweats, slippers, and stained Hello Kitty T-shirt, and mindlessly swipes Tinder.

B. Gal aimlessly “Likes” every dude within any realm of possibility, considering getting drunk and not wearing glasses to be an option in a pinch.

C. Gal gets a “Match!”

D. Gal and Tinder dude proceed with standard Tinder text protocol:  “Hi.” “What’s up?” “How was your Saturday night?” etc. (NOTE: Gal lies about her Saturday night.) 

E. From two days to two weeks, gal and dude engage in Tinder text ping-pong. (Duration dependant on how many Tinder chicks dude is juggling at the time)

F. They graduate to real texting on real cell phones.

(NOTE:  Insert possible dick pic – possible sexting – he climaxes – relationship ends  – gal eats Skinny Cow)

G. Three days later, gal and dude talk on phone and hear real voices. 

(NOTE:  At no time does anyone acknowledge dick pic or sexting.)

H. Two nights following, they have first in-person date:  Drinks, hug, and small kiss goodnight.

(NOTE:  Insert possible dick pic – possible sexting – he climaxes – relationship ends – gal eats Skinny Cow)

I. Subsequent texting, with contact every other day. 

J.Gal obsessively tracks dude’s on all forms of social media.  Gal notes another chick whose posts he constantly likes.

K. Gal proceeds to “manic text” with girlfriends.

L.The following weekend gal and dude have second date:  At night’s end, they make out in car or on park bench, depending on city.

(NOTE:  Insert possible dick pic – possible sexting – he climaxes – relationship ends – gal eats Skinny Cow)

M.Gal and dude engage in one week of daily texting, replete with sexual innuendo,  “Good morning!” and “Good night!” messages, and lips, silly-tongue, and heart emoticons.

N.Subsequent date number THREE, couple engages in sexual relations. 

(NOTE:  Possible dude climax – relationship ends – gal eats Skinny Cow)

O. Gal continues to social media stalk, dismayed over dude’s continued liking of other chick’s posts – even after getting balls deep with her.  Gal’s imagination runs rampant.  

P. Gal sees doctor for STD test.

NOTE:  If you are part of 23% of the female population, and the relationship continues, the following will occur:

Q.Gal and dude mutually decide to GO OFF TINDER.  They engage in the Going Off Tinder Ritual.

 

going off Tinder ritual  (gōiNG | ôf | ˈtindər | ˈriCHo͞oəl)

noun

  • modern Homo Sapiens mating custom, generally performed in romantic setting, accompanied by alcoholic beverage, wherein a male and female exchange cellular devices, and simultaneously “delete” the other’s Tinder account. This ritual is generally followed by a kiss, and stupendous sex.

 

  • modern equivalent of “getting a piece of jewelry” once practiced amongst humans in pre-21st century era.

R. Gal returns home; calls mother, sister and all known friends; changes relationship status on Facebook; Tweets, Instagrams, and utilizes all known forms of social media to publicize her completion of the G.O.T ritual.  Experiences 24 hours of fanatical joy. Simultaneously, dude goes home and freaks out.

S. Following day, dude breaks up with gal, goes back on Tinder.  Gal eats Skinny Cow, goes back on Tinder.

NOTE:  If you are 11.5% of the female population, and the relationship continues, the following will occur:

T.Six months following G.O.T. ritual, there is an engagement.

U. Six tortuous long months of bridal showers, bachelorette parties, couples’ camping weekends, honeymoon planning, and non-stop talking about the freaking wedding.

V. Soon after, dude sees friends Tindering while out at bar, remembers fun he had whilst single and Tindering, experiences onset of “Jessica Alba Syndrome.”  (He thinks he can do better then you.  He thinks he can snag Jessica Alba.  He’s wrong.) 

W. Dude ends relationship – gal eats Skinny Cow.

NOTE:  If you are 2% of the female population, and the relationship continues, the following will occur:

X. There is an actual freaking wedding.  

Y. Kids.

NOTE:  Fifteen years later, half of these couples will divorce and buy a different book about whatever dating technology has yet to be discovered in the future.

Z. Return to A.  Repeat. Infinity. 

pcharlottelindsay.com

FB:  P Charlotte Lindsay
IG:   pcharlottelindsay

 

 

The Second Thing I Learned On Tinder

THE SECOND THING I LEARNED ON TINDER

When men want to get laid, they are limited creatively.

By P. Charlotte Lindsay

When swiping (aka “Tindering”), if you come across the photo of a man who piques your interest (as in you would mate with him while living in the jungle after your plane crashed and the rest of the survivors have been reduced to a clan of animalistic beings), you tap on his photo.

This will bring up his “profile,” which is a tiny pitch he’s composed about who he is, along with a series of photos he’s selected in order to woo you. If you like what you see, you tap on the heart, (or right swipe) if you don’t like what you see, you tap the “X” (or left swipe) and move on. If you are daring or impatient (aka desperate) you can bypass this vetting stage and right swipe everyone. But some of us gals are prudes and require a few photos and some info before we commit to a ‘maybe.’

The profile brings out the full creativity of the male species. Men are personally challenged to attract you based solely on two tools: their photo choices and their limited words (aka their blurb).

Men on Tinder tend to fail miserably on both accounts.

Based on my extensive research of the male Tinder genus in the wild, I have deduced there are essentially three species of Tinder males:

1. THE VIN DIESEL

The Vin Diesel is the Quiet Man. He does not mince words. In fact, he doesn’t know how to spell a lot of words, including “mince.” (NOTE: If they can’t be bothered to spell-check their blurb, they sure as hell aren’t going to bring you flowers on your birthday.)

He’s on Tinder for one thing and one thing only.It rhymes with “splintercourse.

He is confident. And if he isn’t, he fakes it by acting as if he is doing you a favor by selecting you.

His profile shots include:

– Pictures of his muscles and tattoos.

– Sitting on a motorcycle.

– Jumping out of an airplane.

– Standing by expensive cars or muscle cars with big tires.

– And, if he is a dad pretending to be a Vin Diesel, a shot of him zip-lining.

NOTE: Zip lining the safest way for a dad to feel like a John Wayne, but without the risk. Plus, they give you a free photo with the zip line package.

He often does not wear a shirt. He likes facial hair – or no hair at all – anywhere. He’s good at taking selfies, and you can count on him talking about himself all night if he grants you an audience.

His mating blurbs tend to include the following:

– “Hey there gorgeous!” (NOTE: “their” and “there” are challenging for VD.)

– “Just wanna hook up.”

– “Not interested in a relationship.”

– “Let’s have some fun!”

– “Horny.”

– “Nine inches of love.”

2. THE JASON SEGAL (or THE TOM HANKS depending on your age)*

The Jason takes great care with his profile and wants to make you laugh. He really hopes you swipe right… because he really wants to get laid. He works hard at being clever, funny, and sensitive in his presentation so that you think he “gets you.” He also wants you to know he has a romantic side and can cook. (He will for sure bring you flowers on your birthday, and any other holiday, and he will call or text you several times a day, and use emoticons.)

His profile shots include:

– Photos of him frolicking on the beach with his kids.

– Goofing with friends.

– Barbecuing (wearing funny apron).

– The nose and glasses/silly hat/or thumbs up shot.

– Sunsets

– Cute puppies.

He is not great at selfies because he is too busy acting goofy, playing with his kids, and cooking. He is unaware that acting like a chick will not get him a chick!

His mating blurbs will likely include the following:

– “Not interested in a hook up.”

– “Looking for a connection or soul mate.”

– “Laughter is key.”

– “Friendship first.”

– “Love to cuddle.”

3. e.e. cummings

e.e. writes his profile as a poetic statement because he thinks women dig poetry… and that it will get him laid. He fancies himself an intellectual and thinks us gals are all hopeless romantics and ignorant enough to fall for a dude who can write a haiku – not realizing that our eleven-year-old sons write haikus in their fifth grade English classes.

Not to mention, none of us ladies have the time to decipher your f*!king poetry (fu!). Because we are too busy working, raising kids, trying to lose those last thirty pounds, painting the house, volunteering at school, and waxing our asses because we hear that’s what you dudes like nowadays. Bottom line – we are horny, but we are exhausted.

Deep breath.

His profile shots include:

– Photos of African masks.

– Working with orphans.

– His art projects.

– Handshake photos with Jimmy Carter or George Clooney.

– Travels abroad.

He is not afraid of text talk, alliteration, and anastrophe – but assumes we don’t know what these words mean in the first place. We would be lucky just to whiff the magnificent scent of the hot air that escapes his butt crack.

An example e.e. cummings mating blurb is as follows:

“Artist.”

“Lover of life.”

“Dreamer of things to be.”

“Ready for the next adventure?”

“Wino… foodie.”

“Foot rubs.”

“U Game?”

“I am.”

And while you will find the rogue dude in the mix who doesn’t fit into one of the three species of Tinder males, always keep in mind that they are all marked in one way or another by the same genetic material: John, Ryan/Tom or e.e. It’s the precise combination of DNA that determines the outcome.

Remember, you are the scientist. And you must continue your research, Ms. Darwin, in order to find your perfect finch.

If you would like to read more of P.Charlotte’s musings, you can find her here:

pcharlottelindsay.com

Also be sure to follow her on Instagram and Facebook at pcharlottelinsday