Tag Archives: thoughts

Here I Go Again

Here I go again….All of my life there has been one day that always manages to give me a feeling of pure fright. This day has always prevented me from sleeping the night before. I often times lay in bed and think of a million different scenarios of things that will go completely wrong.

This day is known to the world as none other than… the first day of school.

Yeah, I’m sure you were expecting me to be referring to a much more terrifying day, but I’d say this one is pretty nerve racking. For a kid, this day means the beginning of a school year with lots of exams, assignments, and projects. That’s pretty stressful in the mind of a child! Now, not only am I getting prepared for another difficult school year, but I also have the concern of making all new friends in my new school. What if I don’t really fit in? This stress-packed day is coming up very soon for me once again, and I find it fascinating how I happen to feel the same thing every year.

Even in years when I knew all my classmates and little changed. Deep down I know that the year always ends up becoming so much fun, and I end up enjoying it. Somehow my mind still manages to overthink it and it brings me back to the way I felt walking into my first day as an elementary school student. These few days before school come around and I feel as though I hear Foreigner singing the phrase “Here I Go Again”. Deep down I know everything is going to be ok, but somehow I convince myself that something might go wrong. This is something that I have been working on fixing for a while, and I know many of my close friends are feeling the same. When I start school in a couple of days, I hope to overcome my overthinking, and my goal is to not hear any rock bands singing classic songs in my mind. (;

-Dani

Judgement Bucket

I wish I could say that I don’t judge, but I do. I have learned to stay aware of my mind and the stinking thinking that comes out of left field at times. I work every day at having love and compassion for others and myself instead of judgement and ridicule. But still….

Did you know that judgement comes from an unhappy heart, an unlovingofself and has roots of jealousy, envy and pride? That’s tough to swallow!! Judging others often times, bring the judger a sense of satisfaction….a sense of knowing more. Judgement is full of comparison & unacceptance. Its pompous and its demeaning to the person being judged because they are not being accepted exactly as they are. Ouch, right?

Imagine showing up at a gathering, you’ve had an awful week; emotionally, mentally and physically & you really don’t want to go, but you promised. So you do your best to get yourself ready & out the door you go. Would you rather be greeted with “Thank you so much for coming, I’m so happy you’re here, what can I get for you?” or with “Wow, you look like shit, what happened to you?” Wait wait wait!!! You KNOW you FEEL awful, ..remember,,,you didn’t want to come…. AND you certainly don’t need anyone telling you.

So the next time you’re about to open your mouth and be all judgey, stop and think about the effect it will have, your motivation behind your thoughts and bring compassion instead.

The one thing I’m not sure people realize…. at the root of judgement of others….we judge ourselves. We have not accepted everything ugly, or upsetting, or unfortunate, or whatever THAT is about us…….so we judge others.

Start to NOT judge, by looking in the mirror and accepting all of YOU.

….and may today be the day, that you empty the bucket of judgment with your name on it.

Your God Girl

Tracy

The Lady By The Sea

The Lady By The Sea

by Kad

I close my eyes and inhale the smell of the ocean breeze

it tickles my mind back to childhood memories

those long hot summer days

kickball, swimming, and sunbathing

a simple, carefree, joyful time

my happy space

my happy place

so why such a sad face?

I stare at the ripples

layers of the ocean blue

each one could represent a year or two

the transcending colors

they fade from the darkest black

to the bright sky of lavender blue

just a reflection of the deepest darkest colors of fear

the fear deep inside the core of me

I spend many hours almost every day

sitting there thinking my life away

some days my eyes trickle tears, rolling down my face

dampening my skin tasting like  the salted ocean sea

other days I sit and absorb the heat

as it warms the deep chill in my bones

always scared and always alone

craving that warmth

as if a deep strong hug

given to me from the rays of the sun

that deep dark place in me

the one that I never let anyone else see

it comes to me

my lady by the sea

Could it be he saw inside

is that why he left

did he see her?
That scared little girl

helpless, alone, deep inside of me

like a wave in a storm

dark and angry

thrusting forward

arching, raging, swimming to the shore

then gently easing back

then rushing and regaining power

just to land again on the shore

clutching, clawing, crawling,  grasping ,reaching

always wanting more

Sitting there staring at the ocean some more

trying to regroup, release, remove the darkness that is stored in my core

trying to figure out what am I here for?

Sitting by the shore

the lady by the sea

is just that little scared girl

sitting here inside of me

cherishing those happy memories

Still wondering why you left me?

Depression…The High, The Hurt, The Shine, The Sting

Depression is like the ocean.  A riptide.  Dangerous currents that want to drag you under even when you can still see the shore.  That shore may be within swimming distance but it might as well be in another world.  That’s what depression is.

A couple weeks ago, we saw suicide hit the news again and I thought about blogging then.  It’s a subject that’s always close to me.  It’s my lifelong companion.  My truest friend.  I used to blog about funny things, though.  I used to be funny.  I didn’t want to blog sadness anymore.  I wanted to make you laugh.  So I didn’t blog.

I guess one thing that my children may never know is the hardest thing I have ever done is stay alive for them.  They have seen me work, sometimes more than one job at a time.  They have seen me prepare meals, wash their clothes, run around trying to find what they’ve lost.  They’ve seen me mourn, they’ve seen me struggle, they’ve seen me tired.

They’ve never seen me stare at a bottle of pills.  They’ve never seen me daydream about turning the wheel when I’m driving alone and the perfect drop off appears.  They don’t know that in my mind there is such a thing as the perfect drop off.

I don’t want to be this person.

I want to be happy.

I want to be carefree.

My happiest moments are with my babies.   But they are growing up.

My mom can no longer carry on a conversation with me.  My dad is dying.

I’m just so tired.

My ex and I briefly tried to get back together.  See, things were confusing.  It’s hard when that person is still your best friend, or supposed to be.  He was telling someone else everything he was telling me.  He was scheduling vacations and applying for jobs 1,000 miles away.  He was promising to move if only she would stay.  He was making plans that would effect our children and I was sitting here blindly letting our child think we were becoming a family again.

I don’t think that I can forgive myself for that.  I should have known better.

He will be so mad at me for saying that.  He never wanted me to air the dirty laundry.  I didn’t want to either but our reasons were different.  I wanted to be mature and also, I was embarrassed.  He didn’t want dark actions brought to light.

Depression is a black cloud.  It’s a swarm of bees.  It’s loud.  It gets in your ear and it just. won’t. stop.  It tells you that this is it.  This is all it will ever be.  You, always chasing things that fly away.  You, getting the courage to leave and those little mosquitos coming back for another round of blood.  You being everything.  The ripest peach that they can’t stop taking bites of and the bruised one that is no longer appealing.

Depression tells you that it’s okay if you finally just go to sleep.

What I really wanted to blog when suicide hit the news was different then.  I kept reading comments about how suicide is selfish.  I kept thinking that survivors were reading that and they were reading painful lies.

I’ll say again what I said before.  My children will never know that the hardest thing I have ever done for them is stay alive.

If someone you love lost their battle, that decision was gut wrenching and agonizing and not fully thought out.  That decision was coated in a dust of grief and pain and disillusion.  That decision would not have stood up in a court of law.  That decision was breathless.  That decision might have been a weakness but I can promise you that it was one out of a million moments of inhuman strength.

I added a new medication to my regimen in hopes of getting my fibromyalgia under control.  In doing so, I have noticed the suicidal thoughts creeping back in after months of sitting in the light.  I will be diligent in having my meds adjusted again until I’m back in my sweet spot.  I will do it for my kids.  I only wish that I was doing it for me.

“Depression is living in a body that fights to survive with a mind that tries to die.”  — unknown

Depression is your friendly, funny, 40 something soccer mom who loves Pinterest and Krogering.

Depression is someone just like me.

<3 LA

You can read more from LA at https://sweeterinthesouth.blog/

I Never Forgot When Someone Told Me This

“Write something that someone told you about yourself that you never forgot.”

Day 2 of the 30 Day Writing Challenge:

I have been told plenty of things by others about myself, most of them transparent and generic. Kind words but probably not genuine. The things you’re suppose to say in certain situations. I am guilty of doing that as well.

There is one person in particular who has always told me that he believes in me. I am a vocal, independent woman who has had some made for tv moments and years in my life. I have been beaten down, broken, spiteful, bitter and angry. I have huge shoulders and carry a lot of personal weight and responsibility for others in my life and sometimes I just need a turn and need the support of someone too. He often tells me he believes in me and that is just enough to get me back where I need to be. I believe him, I know he does, and I also know that If I fail or fall he will still believe in me. He believes in the person that I am and the person that I strive to be. He is genuine and shows it daily. He is not generic and transparent and he proves this every day. And the reason I believe him is because he is here with me through every good and bad moments of mine, accepts that those moments are his too and we share the excitement, pain, sadness, and joy together. He believes in me and I believe in him. I will never forget. His constant belief in me has helped me believe in myself.

Love to All-Kim

 

 

Eliminating Fear-Policing Your Own Thinking

Eliminating fear requires the vigilance to police your own thinking.  You have to be able to swap a fear-based thought for a more positive one.  The whole ‘thought swapping’ thing that I have been talking about over the past few days is difficult to do.  It is a moment-by-moment practice. My mother has always told me that fear is thinking thoughts that scare you…and really that is true.

When you realize that God is in control there really is nothing to fear, easier said than done I know…yet worth working on.

 

Think About It To Get More Of It

Happy Thursday, I hope that you all had a good day thus far…I just finished a round of teaching boy to drive…NO WORDS!  Let us just say that it is REALLY hard for a control freak to not be in control in that situation…’nuf said!

I posted a video this afternoon for you, it can be found on the FB page.  In it I am talking about how what you think about, you get more of…as in what you keep focusing on is actually what you will bring to pass.  Many people seem to think that the circumstances they find themselves in are a mystery, yet if you backtrack into what they have been focused on for the last while you may start to see exactly how they ended up where they are.  You actually perpetuate unfavorable conditions by staying focused on how awful they are, when you complain about and continually discuss the things that are not working you give them more solidarity.  Your words, thoughts and attention have an immense amount of power and therefore what you focus them on gains strength in your life.

That said, when things are not working the way that you want them to you need to start focusing on the outcomes you want to see instead of on what seems to be before you.  This is no easy task, it requires you to be vigilant with your thoughts and police all the ones that are not going in the direction you want them to.  Not only do you need to catch those unfavorable thoughts, you have to REPLACE them with a positive thought or with a moment of gratitude.

I have been studying these principles since I was 12 years old and I can promise you with certainty that when they are practiced with discipline and consistency they work, hands down, every time.  Let me know in the comments or via email if you want me to elaborate on this more.  For now I will task you with beginning to pay attention to your thoughts and words and see if they are representative of the life that you want to have.

See you tomorrow. xoxo

CONTROL Your Thoughts…

Often we find ourselves ‘stuck’ in circumstances that we consider unfavorable and we lament them in our thoughts, thinking things like “why me???”, “poor me!”, “how can this be my life???” etc

We invite these pitiful thoughts in for tea and scones and then invite them back for lunch and dinner.  We feel trapped in the circumstances because we keep the thoughts of them alive in our minds.  In order to overcome circumstances we MUST learn to overcome ourselves which means manage our thoughts!

When sad, pitiful, failure breeding thoughts step in we have to slam the door on them, we cannot allow them access even for a moment.  All it takes is a second and your whole day can be thrown off track by one pathetic thought such as “why don’t I have more money?”.

You have to be VIGILANT in policing your thoughts.  Think ONLY the things that are going to push you forward, STOP entertaining thoughts that make you feel worse!

This morning I was speaking to one of my oldest and dearest friends, he is an amazing man, smart, handsome, talented and witty among other things.  He has been in the middle of some trials for the past few years and I fear he is losing heart, this morning I explained to him that at times he is his own worst enemy because he gives voice to the negative chatter in his head.  Like so many of us when we are being tried, he feels like it will never end, he feels like this trial has become who he is. That is a FALSE idea; he is a WARRIOR and a CHAMPION as we all are.  I know this for him every day and I remind him of it as often as I can.  I am reminding YOU as well!

You are an OVERCOMER, A CHAMPION, A WARRIOR!  Start ACTING like that; stop suffering by visiting with the negative, stupid, self-defeating chatter in your head.

Only YOU can change the circumstances of your life and you do this by first changing every, single thought you have.  If it is an unproductive thought, BANISH it and replace it with something that works…such as ‘every day in every way things are getting better and better’—you don’t have to know how right now, you just need to know that it IS happening, things are getting better and better…

Action follows thought, control your thinking, be vigilant…and NEVER GIVE IN to that self-defeating crap…NEVER!

 

Feelings Don’t RUN You…Contrary to Popular Belief…

Here’s the thing, it doesn’t matter how you feel about doing something or not doing it…what matters is that you GET IT DONE.  Or that you keep your promise or that you deliver the result.  Too many people think that how they “feel” has something to do with whether or not they should be “in action”, it doesn’t…it doesn’t matter at all how you “feel” on any given day about any given thing.  If you run your life by how you feel in the moment you will be incredibly sad and ineffective.

Who cares if you don’t “feel” like parenting your kid or going to work or making dinner or doing the laundry or paying bills etc…nobody that’s who.  Nobody cares how you “feel” they care that you produce the result or keep your promise or do what you said you would do.

Do you think Olympic Gold Medal winners “feel” like training the way they have to in order to win?  NO.

Do military Special Forces do things based on how they “feel”, NO…they do what they have to do day in and day out to accomplish the objective.

Do Navy Seals ask themselves if they want to train, or if they “feel” like diving into ice cold water to drill…NO…they do not…they simply DO WHAT MUST BE DONE…no matter how they “feel”.

Do emergency responders stop to think about whether or not they “feel” like running head-on into an emergency…NO…they move and they move fast.

If you let feelings run you they will make you weak and ineffective and they will make your life chaos because feelings change from moment to moment.  You have to manage yourself by what you say you will do, the results you intend to produce and the promises you make.  This is the behavior that makes an effective and responsible human being and God knows we can use more of those…