Tag Archives: teenagers

Am I Parenting Right?

As a parent you just do not know if you are parenting ‘right’… it starts when they are babies, then moves to toddlers, then continues right through the school years and teen years.   And here I am.. Knee deep in the teen years.  

A couple years ago, I started to go through giving my oldest daughter some independence.  I have always given my kids some freedom and independence until I felt they could not handle it.  It’s a definite struggle to just step back a little and give them more and more independence.   

I remember when my oldest started staying up later and later, I knew eventually she would have to figure it out that she would need more sleep.  Eventually, she realized that if she wanted to make it through the day with school and practice, she would need to not stay up late watching netflix.  

And now I am going through my middle daughter trying to gain herself some independence.  And this has been the biggest test for me.  I have realized that all of my children are so different.  It just boggles my mind, how really different they can be.  So here I am thinking, well my oldest daughter handled it, I am sure she will be fine also.  News to me… 

I have learned that they both handle independence and responsibility very different.  And it has been a definite learning curve. I feel like I am tested daily with this one.  My oldest was motivated by getting to be with her friends.  She is very social and enjoys sleepovers and hanging out with them.  If I ask her to do something or follow certain rules, she does it because she gets to see her friends.  

Then we have my middle child…. She is very smart and school comes easy for her.  She is content being at home and does not ask to do much.  She loves her netflix and watching tv.   A couple months ago, she asked to switch to complete distance learning and we agreed with some expectations.  I thought this would be a good test at some independence.  We gave her six weeks and then we would evaluate how it was working.   It was a complete shit show… missing assignments, missing classes, and grades falling.  

So, we discussed that after Christmas she would need to return to hybrid.  Now, it should not have been a complete shock to her because the weeks leading up to this conversation, we discussed her grades and missing assignments, along with the importance of getting them in.  

It is the day she is suppose to return to school and she just doesn’t go.  I tried all of my tactics and bargain tools, nothing worked.  Now, with my oldest, taking her phone away would have done the trick.  I am pretty sure that the words “boarding school” came out of my mouth.  I might have even mentioned that the principal might show up at our house… good god, I sounded like my mother 30 years ago, I was rambling… and my daughter knew none of those things would happen.  

I do not even know why I was trying, I knew how strong willed she was…and I knew when she made up her mind it was stuck.  

And now she has still not returned to in-person school.  Of course, she is doing her learning still from her bedroom and of course, she is actually getting up on time, but she will not return. I have tried everything to get her to go back to school and she just will not do it.  She has no phone, no tv, or no electronics.  I am sure her friends wonder what happened to her….but she seems to not care.  She is ok with the consequences.  

And so here I am, still in awww on what to do.  I have asked my friends, I have read numerous articles, but still everyday I am wondering if I am doing it right. I wonder if I am not doing enough or doing too much.. Should I just give in or should I have more consequences.  Honestly, its a gamble. And I am sure 20 years from now, we will laugh about it.   

And the reality is, each of my children are so different.  They function so differently.  Just when I think I have them figured out, another curve ball.  And I am stuck thinking… how many more years until I finally figure it all out….

-Snarky

 

www.snarkydivorcedgal.com

The Little Things

The little things….it is Sunday morning. I’m drinking peppermint coffee. I’m trying something new. Flavored coffee. So maybe, I’ll put less milk and sugar in my coffee because I’m actually lactose intolerant and am stubborn.  I’ve been drinking my coffee this way since I was twelve. Sadly at 49 my body is like hey lady slow your roll on the dairy.

But I digress…

Music is Rod Stewart. Sir Rod turns 77?! as I write this, my favorite Maggie May is on in the background.

I started to write last week about things that are hard to talk about with your ex. Last week was money and I have a few more, but I had to share a mini miracle.

My daughter is a new teenager. She turned thirteen in June and me being me I bought all the books and neatly stacked them on my bookshelf unread. 

I have watched friends with teen daughters ride the roller coaster and me being me I was scared. 

I mean I mess up a lot.

A whole lot.

So far, aside from a few hiccups and honestly what I consider pretty standard stuff. We’ve been fine. I do enjoy getting told to leave when I’ve overstayed my welcome in her room. I also find a lot of joy in singing Van Halen Is This Love at the top of my lungs near her and what Mom doesn’t break out in dance in front of her daughter when her favorite band is on?

But I also put everything down when she comes to talk to me.

I let her know the days I’m working from home, my schedule and what meetings she will bust in on. 

I tell her I love her all the time.

All the time.

I’m proud of her.

I ask her how she’s doing.

I am slowly feeling more comfortable answering questions I hoped she wouldn’t ask.

I will be honest I was not so great at this before and I still am not. But I recognize I need to try to be.

I recognize we have a long journey ahead but I am trying to build a strong foundation.

Yesterday I got handed a brick.

I’m writing bills and she sits on the side of my bed which I use as my desk sometimes and tells me when she is eighteen she wants a tattoo.

She explains what and where.

As she’s talking she slides onto my bed and leans into me and puts my arms around her.

She starts asking me about my tattoos, what they mean. Did they hurt? 

What do I think?

We talk a bit longer.

I kiss the top of her head and then she says thanks Mom and leaves.

Just like that… she’s thirteen again.

I go in before bedtime and tell her good night and say thank you for asking me about all of this.

She says “well of course Mom. You’re my Mom”.

It’s the little things.

Be safe

Much love Mommas

💚Caprise

The Talk

In a month my daughter turns thirteen. She is my sun, my moon, and my stars.

I have mentioned before I love and am in awe of how much of her own person she is.

How comfortable in her own skin she is. At least I thought she was.

Until we started chatting recently. She seemed a bit down. So I asked is it because we are stuck at home and you are missing everyone?

Somehow in the midst of that discussion we landed on what she thinks about how she looks.

She told me she didn’t like her stomach and how it looked.

My heart sunk.

I have struggled with my self image and weight my whole life so because of that I thought I’ve been doing a pretty good job of not ever making that a part of our conversation.

I started mentally indexing conversations we had. Had I said something? Oh no! Was it because I said wearing jeans was like torture now?

I broke and asked her. She said when she was in elementary school someone had called her a name. I pointed out to her that it was two years ago. Why now? She said I don’t know. Then I checked myself. I am 48 and I still remember being teased by people from grade school. Why should it be different for her? It shouldn’t. Sadly.

I reminded her of what I always tell her… it’s about being healthy.

I reminded her as silly as it sounds it really is about what’s inside. Truly. But we all have our days. But as humans we’ve earned our wrinkles and freckles and scars. We’ve earned the way our body changes. It means we have lived a life.

I told her you may look in the mirror right now and look one way and by the end of the summer look completely different.

Changing is life and it means living.

It’s not always perfect or what we think it should be. But it means things are happening.

I told her I earned my tummy- it grew a person. I grew her! She laughed. I told her she really liked Mountain Dew Code Red and Butter Burgers with the works. Laughter.

I still am doing the mental catalog even as I type this. Is it because I get up every morning and always have to shower and rarely not wear makeup?

Does she feel this way because of that?

I have never been the Mom to make her wear certain types of clothes. I just ask that they be weather appropriate and clean. She hates jeans. So I got her lots of leggings and athletic pants.

She, like me, loves t-shirts. And her hoodie collection- pretty great.

I keep on her about the normal stuff – showers, brushing her teeth… So where?

I don’t know. All I know is I hope she knows what an incredible human she is.

How much I love her.

What a crazy Mama Bear I will turn into the first time someone hurts her. Ok… I’ll try to keep that at the below the surface level.

But this was our first of many( I’m sure) talks like this.

I am scared.

I don’t know if I’m ready.

And man, I hope I’m doing it right. Just a bit would be great.

Thanks for letting me share and if any of you have any words of wisdom….

I’d love it.

Much love Mommas

Be safe

<3 Caprise