Tag Archives: survive

Lost & Confused, Do The Next Thing

If you’re lost and confused, Do The Next Thing…

One minute my life looked like this and the next **SNAP** it looked like that.  One minute I was going in that direction and then **SNAP**, I’m going in this direction.

Have you ever been so overwhelmed that you couldn’t see right in front of your face?

So anxious that you didn’t have an answer to something simple?

So confused that you weren’t certain how you were going to make it through another day?

I did.  It was awful.  I couldn’t get out of my own way.  Why was I able to manage my life for the past 50 years so extremely well and then all of a sudden, I was lost in the middle of my days?  I couldn’t see the overload until it was on top of me and, but by then, it was too late. Some days, I couldn’t breath …or at least it felt like it.  I used to have everything all figured out and on task and in line.  And then  **SNAP**, I had no idea about so much.  And trying to keep up with everything was exhausting.

It’s called trauma.  It’s called PTSD.  It’s called “Do the Next Thing”.  That was my mantra.  “Do the Next Thing”.   Until I got on the other side of it.  Until I healed that part of me and could manage my life again, I just kept telling myself “Do the Next Thing”.  Every Day.  All Day.

Get out of bed…do the next thing. Brush my teeth…do the next thing. Wash my face…do the next thing. Have something to eat…do the next thing.  I kept it so simple.  I managed what I could manage.  I took on what I could take on.  I did what I could do.   And everything else waited.

So the next time you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and you’re feeling overloaded and lost and confused…..Do the Next Thing.

 

Your God Girl,

Tracy

I Got A Janky Heart

This is a blog I wasn’t sure I was going to write or even how to be honest.

It’s a big share about my life. I wasn’t even going to share it,but over the course of the last few weeks I have had some pretty serious discussions with people I love in my life about what we share and what we don’t.

I’m just gonna do this and maybe it will all make sense. Or maybe it won’t.

I have a congenital heart defect.

I also was two months premature. I weighed in at 3 pounds 4 ounces.

I was born with a hole in my heart. By the time I was four I had two open heart surgeries.

I don’t remember much about it.

What do remember: comparing zippers, the smell of the stitches, falling off my bed, I can remember be wheeled into an operating room.

That’s it.

I have a gnarly bikini scar with accompanying friends all over my body.

A few years ago after ignoring its existence I got a chubby heart tattoo at the base of my scar.

Growing up I had a list of things I could and couldn’t do. I’m pretty sure my Mom told me certain things just to keep me from doing those said things.

The reality of my disease never and still doesn’t fully resonate with me until I’m around doctors or other survivors.

There have been some scary things around having children and at one point I was actually given a life expectancy.

By the way my daughter is eleven and I’m 47.

But as light as I’m making it there have been some things.

I’m always winded. My circulation is horrible. I can’t tell you how often I hear cold hands warm heart. Lol

I get colds so easily.

Living in the Midwest that’s a joy.

Also, lol.

There’s more but I’m sharing this because it doesn’t define me and it certainly hasn’t held me back.

I am the person if you tell me no I do it twice and take pictures.

So now you know this about me. Will it make you read what I write any differently?

It shouldn’t. Oh my gosh it better not.

We all bring private, public, personal battles to the table but they shouldn’t hold us back and they certainly shouldn’t define us. Other people should not let those things define how they treat you either.

This year I participated in the Heart Walk as a survivor. It was the first year I admitted it. And shame on me for not admitting it sooner. Because now I own it and I have found an amazing community.

My favorite member is a heart doctor who we will call Dr. W who teases me that my after care regime should not include Mt. Dew and Reese’s.

Sorry not sorry Dr. W, a girl has to have her vices.

Don’t be afraid of what you bring to the table no matter how big. I know it’s easy for me to say this, but take a deep breath look at how far you’ve come. You are more than the extras that are in your life.

You are sparkly and amazing and strong.

And as always I got you Momma.

❤️

Caprise

One Year Later

What’s the most important thing you’ve done this year? For me…it’s that I survived. One year ago today I sat in the garage, put the keys in my ignition, turned it on, and sat there screaming in sheer pain. Calling out for her, but she never came. I sat and pounded the steering wheel, grasping at my chest because it hurt so bad. The physical pain…it was just too much for me to take, and I wanted it to go away. This was my only answer. But as I sat there, uncontrollably crying, something made me turn off the ignition and open the garage door. It wasn’t that I wanted to live, but whatever it was, it was stronger than me or the pain.

For me that night…I was desperately trying to end the pain and conquer my problems. I could not bare to live my life without her. It was simply unadulterated desperation.

Depression. It’s living in a body that fights to survive, with a mind that wants to die. The suicide attempt(s) have become a trauma that I have had to learn to deal with. Some days it’s a battle, some days it’s ok. I suppose there should be no shame in fighting the war, because at least I’m here to fight it. I won’t say there haven’t been days when I haven’t revisited the thought again, but then I remember I promised myself never to allow someone to have that much power over me again. And at the end of the day I need to remember to celebrate the courageous person that stares back at me in the mirror and all that she has overcome. Because in the end…long story short…she survived!

Keep surviving!

Virtual Hugs,

BLag

It’s Time to Thrive, Not Just Survive

Time to thrive and not just survive..
Today was my son’s first day of preschool. I am divorced, and his father, and I co parent. His father brought him to school, and I had texted him that I would meet them there to wish him a great day.  My divorce was final two years ago, but I am still healing, and I never know when certain moments may trigger me.  I pull up, and I see my ex husband with his partner and my son. I immediately felt angry and anxious. I parked my car, and I had a pep talk with myself. “Amy, you’re loved, you’re special and you can do this.” I kept my composure, and I walked over to them. I said good morning, and I thought it was really nice when his partner went to wait in the car while we had our time with our son.
I am mostly ok in his presence, but not for long periods of time as our marriage was abusive, and I left three years ago today to create a healthier life for my son and I.
I sent my best friend a video, and I told her how happy I was that I was going to begin counseling again this Friday.  The thing is, I removed myself physically, and I have overcome a lot, but many emotions are still raw, and seeing him with his partner reminds me of the deception in my marriage, and how I feel robbed of the genuine partnership I had wanted; the real love that I fought so hard for, but it was never reciprocated.
It has been three years, and I realize for three years, I have put myself on the back burner. I have been going through the motions but not truly living. I am done with just living, I want to thrive. My marriage was fraudulent, but my son is the gift God gave me from it. I cannot be anything to anyone unless I am ok. Last night was the first night in a while that I went to bed at a decent hour. I am often haunted by nightmares, but last night I slept peacefully. I can choose to stay stuck or I can choose to face head on the issues that plague me often.
I want to be whole, I want to be who I was called to be. Yes, my marriage was a lie, but I have chosen to pick myself and do the hard work to walk with God and truly heal.  I am taking this special time in my life to do just so. I know many others have failed dreams, and are in pain. I too hope you will find the strength to be the best you and start thriving………not just surviving.
I hope you will join me as we thrive together!
~Amy
A Rhode Island native who moved to Ohio in 2004 mother to an amazing 4 year old son and 2 doggies. I love writing, reading, music, hanging out with my friends, French fries and animals