Tag Archives: support

The Mom Rollercoaster

The mom rollercoaster…….

It is Sunday. As I do music in my ears.. Coffee in my mug. Writing. Today’s. Song is David Gray “This Year’s Love.”  It’s a beautiful lament about someone he loves and the hope it sticks. Not really relevant to this blog but I would be lying if I didn’t say it is definitely hitting some things for me.

Maybe a blog for another time. Today is about my daughter. This extra time while what we both needed has also given us time to have some deep conversations.

Hard conversations.

Painful conversations.

About her Dad and I.

I naturally assumed she was too little to remember the constant fights. I wrongly assumed that even after we left because they weren’t as frequent that would make it easier on her.

I naturally assumed because we didn’t do it in front of her she didn’t notice.

Since I used the word assumed several times. If you are assuming I was wrong you are correct.

My daughter writes. Tons of stories. Her characters are off shoots of her friends and herself. Bits and pieces. Some truths, some exaggerations. Like all storytellers do.

Last night she was telling me about one of her new characters and it opened up a conversation about how much her Dad and I fought.

She point blank asked me why I never shut  him down. It goes without saying I started to cry. 

I asked her if she thought I enjoyed arguing in general. She said no you are incredibly kind Mom.

I said right. I asked if she had ever heard of the path of least resistance.

She said no.

I explained to her. Sometimes it is easier to just let things go then fight back. Other times you have to yell to be heard. For me there felt like there was never a right way.

I can’t tell her – your Dad was emotionally abusive. I can’t tell her I would start to have panic attacks at 4pm everyday because that is when he came home.

I can’t tell her how I had to ask him permission to even change the color of our living room curtains.

Instead…

I told her she is my favorite person. I love her more than anything. I am not perfect, I mess up and I am sorry that she was ever made to feel anyway by seeing her Dad and I fight. But not to feel she couldn’t continue to ask me about things. To not feel we couldn’t continue to talk about things. She needs to know she may not always like the answers and I may not give them to her.

I am not going to lie to you Mommas my heart hurts a little from this. I tried really hard to bubble wrap her from some of this and it appears I forgot the tape.

All I can do is keep talking.

 Keep telling her I love her.

 Keep on keeping on.

This Mom thing is quite the ride,a rollercoaster, but it’s my favorite of all of them.

Be safe

Much love Mommas

<3 Caprise

How Are You Doing?

When I was in marriage counseling, my counselor asked how I was doing and and I would always respond with “good”. And she would ask what was good about it? It was really hard to think about what was actually good at that time. And the question made me feel quite uneasy…

During that time period, I was going to marriage counseling separately and with my husband. There were so many emotions that I was experiencing, so It was hard to think, how I was really doing. Good seemed like such an easy response and I did not need to go into detail. It was a fast answer, which I was hoping would get me through it.

I did not enjoy this at all… because she would make me really think about how I was doing, was I doing good or not….At that time in my life, I kept a lot of my feelings and emotions buried within myself. This meant that I actually had to say out loud about how I was doing.. I am not the kind of person that likes to talk about myself with others. I had to learn to actually think about how I was doing. Was I having a hard week? Was I have a good week? Did I feel happy about something? Sometimes I honestly didn’t even know how I was doing.

I have thought about how many times I would just use the phrase “good” without even thinking about it. It would just sort of flow out of my mouth without even thinking am I really good or what is good about it…How am I really doing this week… am I sad, happy, content, do I feel like I accomplished something.. The list goes on.

So when I recently started reading the book “ Get out of my head” by Jennie Allen and there’s a chapter that references how we are doing, I realized that I had gone back to being the person to answer things as “good” instead of really being truthful in my answer. Sometimes I feel its just easier to answer good instead of really thinking about how I am doing. And it takes time to really think about how we are doing..

What makes me feel like I am doing good.. What is that magical thing that makes us feel like we are doing good? Thinking about how I answer the question, “How am I doing” has gotten me back into the habit of thinking about all the things that happen in a day or week. Am I feeling nervous, stressed, or anxious about what going on in my life. Did something happen that made me feel happy, accomplished, or contentment… Am I being open with others about how I am really doing…

Once you think about it… how do you answer the question… It is still hard for me to be comfortable with giving people the raw unedited answer of how I am doing. However, I have realized that the more I open up about how I am doing or elaborating on my answer…its easier.

If I am having a hard week, I get a lot more support and encouragement from my friends then I would have received, if I just answered “good”. Most of the time, we are experiencing many of the same things. When you hear someone else is experiencing your life, it can help so much. You do not feel like you are the only one, like you are on an island alone… I have also learned by opening up more about myself, it got others to open up about how they were doing…

But I still struggle with telling the good of how I am doing.. I am not sure why its hard to brag about yourself, but it should be done more. I am pushing myself to brag about the good more and more… If I am doing great, I should just say it right…I am working on just telling all those accomplishments…little or big.

So, “How you doin”… just give the real unedited version…

-Snarky

https://www.snarkydivorcedgirl.com/

A Little Help From My Friends

A little help from my friends.

Captain’s log it is day ninety of this can’t do much business.

Wait… that’s not how I start these blogs for you.

This week’s background music is Foo Fighters and covers of various Foo Fighters songs. Right now the Color Morale is doing a very punk version of Everlong.

My ears are happy. The magic elixir is working.

Last night I hit my ceiling and crawled right into my head. I am a person who lives by timelines, even though I’m pretty laid back I like deadlines. This upside down world has ravaged that.

I had some pretty big dreams for this summer and they aren’t happening. 

I am over seeing my face on a computer screen. 

All that aside, I did something I don’t do obviously enough of. I reached out. I am part of an online Moms group. The two big things we have in common, we are Moms and we all have  a seriously wicked sense of humor. 

That’s it. We are otherwise all incredibly different. I posted this morning- how I was feeling. I was raw. I was true. My heart very much on my sleeve.

Within minutes messages , than another, than another. Each one with words of encouragement. Support. Humor. 

So… emboldened by that. I posted on another group this time not to talk about the fact I was feeling like Eeyore but to talk about my favorite group. The distraction of conversation about how we all collectively were bummed their tour got canceled but excited about possible new music – was what I needed.

Feeling really brave, I group chatted a few women I have gotten to know through common interests. Again, we are all remarkably different but they have lived lives and the words, what I needed. 

I found a quote that I am holding onto tightly during this: “a diamond is chunk of a coal that did well under pressure.” When I shared this with one of my oldest friends she said her husband says “some days are diamonds, some days are coal.” Then she told me there is no shame in being a coal miner some days.

We have a tendency as women to say we are ok when we aren’t. To apologize when we’re sad and think that’s somehow a mark of weakness.

I’m not sure where we learned those lessons but they’re wrong.

When people care about you, they want to be there for you.

Let them.

You take care of everyone else  Mommas.

Let people take care of you.

Be safe

Much love

<3 Caprise

I Want To Thank You

I want to thank you…

Last week I dipped my toe in the pool and shared with you all the reality of my marriage.

Believe it or not I am a pretty private person. So even though every week I share pieces of me here. I have people in my life who are still trying to piece together if I’m married. No.  Or dating… I will say this.  Maybe lol.

But that’s not what this is about. It’s about the aftermath of putting such a big piece of me on a platter.

Full disclosure last week I read every last comment  on my post right before I had to pick up my daughter, I got in my car and sobbed. Heavy, shaking sobs. First my heart was breaking that so many women understood. Second, my heart was breaking because complete strangers understood when the people I loved and trusted had not.

I can not put into words how much I appreciate all the messages and kind words.

I didn’t share my story for support, I shared it in hopes of letting other people know they’re not alone. I shared it to show it can happen to anyone. I shared it because it’s important to share it.

Again and again and again.

Even though its incredibly hard to admit it happened. I have always been a strong person I still am. But even strong people can get hurt.

I was asked by someone who I care about immensely after they read it, two things:

Why I let this happen

If I am bitter

It’s like I’ve said. Sometimes you get so far in, you believe all the words. You don’t know what to do.

Becoming a Mom dug me out. I don’t make that a secret. G deserved to see what a happy Mom looked like.

Am I bitter? No. Am I guarded and private and quirky as all get out? Oh my goodness yes.

I strongly feel I just chose poorly. I also know I don’t make it easy for people to know me. I still believe in being married and someday maybe again.

But I have very high walls.

I also still live with the worry my ex will somehow see these. Which shouldn’t matter. But I wouldn’t be truthful if I didn’t tell you, he still makes me nervous. What he might do.

My hope is that someday I won’t.

My last and final share here is I am happy. It’s taken a while and things aren’t perfect but the fact that I can share any of this. The fact it’s not nearly as scary as I thought it would be, means I am finally taking me back. And you Mommas have helped me.

Thank you

<3 Caprise

Healing: Raw & Ugly

Healing is raw and ugly…

August 12, 2018

Well, here I am. Have gotten through his filing, claiming that I was cruel and “intentionally caused him to lose his job”, which is laughable. As is his request for spousal support.

Now, I’m angry. I’m angry that next week, I will be sending my oldest to Kindergarten, alone. I’m angry that last week I celebrated him losing his first tooth, alone. I’m angry that God let this happen. Why?! What did I do?! I stuck by him and I prayed and I trusted that God would bring us through this, and now here I am. I am alone. I am overwhelmed with bills and with things that need to be taken care of. I feel abandoned, by God, by my husband, by my church. I feel utterly alone and forgotten and uncared for and tired.

And now, I am alone. I am so lonely and so f**cking exhausted and confused and sad and I know I shouldn’t wallow in this and I know I should be grateful for the many, many blessings I do have – I know there are momma’s out there who would give anything to send their child off to Kindergarten. I know that. But this is not how I pictured things. I imagined and planned on preparing our child for school together, to bear the load of all the new and exciting things together, to celebrate the missing teeth and the new things learned together. I imagined that we’d be a team in this. I don’t feel adequate to do it all myself. My kids deserve better. They did nothing to deserve this. I don’t know what I did to deserve this. I truly, truly believed that he and I would be together forever. That we’d have hard times, tough times, but we’d get through them. I never imagined this. Not for a second. Sometimes I torture myself and go through our old pictures together, our old memories. We looked so happy. That wasn’t fake, there’s no way. I know it wasn’t on my end, and I don’t think it was on his. We loved each other. I know we did. We had so many good, happy times. I don’t know what the hell happened. I don’t know what I did wrong or what I could have done better.”

I started writing things (in honesty … typing them – my handwriting is barely legible) a couple of months after we separated. It was a violent separation , literally and figuratively. I had to get the thoughts out, because I didn’t know what else to do, and I wanted to remember the feelings. I had hope that I’d be able to rise out of the suck and one day, look back and say “Look how far I’ve come”! I didn’t have any intention of letting other people read what I typed. BUT… I’ve been reading Brene Brown lately, and learning more about vulnerability. If what I was feeling – the rawness of it, can help someone else feel less alone, sharing is worth it.

At the time of writing my thoughts above, I was just starting to come to the realization that my commitment to our marriage was not reciprocated in any way. My ex-husband and I never worked the same shift or had the same days off in our ten years of marriage. I tried to find the positive in that – things were still new and fresh, seeing him was always exciting. However, it was dawning on me that he was able to maintain the front of being a doting husband for those few hours we had together, and that’s all it was to him. To me, those hours were precious; to him, an act to get through. (And, scene!)

If you read my last post, you know that there was a domestic violence incident and a whole lot of ugliness I subsequently discovered. The divorce was ugly. His attorney was one who would make scathing, disgusting accusations; probably to try and elicit some kind of reaction out of me (and oh, that temptation was REAL). My wounds were still fresh, and her words, baseless accusations, and complete unprofessionalism compounded the emotions and feelings, making a bad situation unimaginably difficult.

I am glad that I wrote my feelings as I was sitting in the suck, trying to navigate those dark moments. I remember how pervasive those feelings and emotions were, how deep the anger and sadness was. The level of betrayal is one that I still cannot find adequate wording for. I can sit here today and reflect on gratitude and the incredible blessings throughout the darkness, but when you’re in it… the good stuff isn’t so obvious.

Today, the darkness is a little lighter. As time goes on and you sit, experience the pain, and allow yourself to move through it, its sharpness lessens. I felt like I was stuck for a long time – I felt like I should be moving must faster, not wallowing in a never-ending pit. My faith and counseling helped me move forward, but the main thing is the willingness to work through it – not just cover it up with new romantic relationships, substances, or mindless activity. I and my kids deserve better. I have to understand how this happened, how I let it get so far, and my blind spots – this cannot happen again.

These days, I still struggle. But it’s not minute to minute so much anymore, and there are far more good days than bad. If you can relate to any of the words in the first few paragraphs, you are not alone. It is so, so hard and it can be incredibly unfair. But… you’ve done hard things before, and you will get through this difficulty. Don’t let what has happened to you define you – let it shape you into the resilient warrior that you are.

-Elaine

Experiencing Tower Moments

I’m sure you have experienced it, the feeling that your entire world is crumbling down around your ears.  I call these moments tower moments. In Tarot the tower card depicted above shows and explosive scene of despair and destruction.  The tower, and what it symbolizes is a very misunderstood event. In the very moment you feel everything crumbling, whether it be something you worked hard for, or something you feared, it can feel catastrophic, heartbreaking, unfair, or hopeless. If you focus on the destruction of the tower and your disappointment; or you cling to the situation or person that is being forcefully removed to re align you, you will make yourself miserable. You will miss out on the lesson and the blessing god is trying to give you. The more you try to keep the things, people, perspectives, and behaviors that are meant to be removed the more you will have to repeat the tower moment.

It is my belief that the most painful, explosive shifts in our lives are a tool that the power greater than ourselves uses to re align us or wake us up.  It’s almost like he’s saying “If I make it louder and more painful maybe she will hear me this time, Maybe she will understand this person or path isn’t meant for her.”

My most recent tower moment was with a career path I went down, and also with someone I considered a dear friend and a family member.  I cannot go into too many details Because of my privacy regulations from working as a realtor. I can tell you I poured my heart and soul into becoming a great realtor, I sacrificed and worked myself to the bone without pay. I was very proud of my hard work and I was ecstatic when I landed two listings within a month.

The next three months I had everything set up for both clients. Then the tower moments came. One from bad circumstances, the other was out of nowhere, I lost both listings and my reputation with my business.

The night I found out about the second deal blowing up, I put the kids to bed, then went to try to sleep and audibly sobbed for most of the night. I was so distraught I made myself physically ill and ended up having to call into my part time job the next morning.

The one deal that devastated me the most was the one that came from nowhere, I was ready to throw in the flag. Thankfully I have an amazing support network that helped me wait until I had a clear mind to make a decision. Now I see that whole scenario was ment to remove people from mylife, and re align me with my life’s purpose.

If it weren’t for this earth shattering experience I would still be falling into the same patterns and stuck in a place of non growth. I had become stagnant. I didn’t want to let people dear to me go even though they were unhealthy for me. Now even though I am still mourning the loss of people and things I had wanted, it’s also like a breath of fresh air. I have more room to grow and I am running with it.

Just remember when things look the darkest, and are the most painful, look for the lesson, look for where you need to grow and you will find the light, count your blessing and not your problems. Address those problems within yourself and grow baby grow!

Healing, Growing, Loving

Ali

Self Care-SOS!

If you follow this page regularly the topic of self care comes up pretty often. It will probably continue to come up as it seems to be a hard one for people.

In particular -parents

Moms especially. There are whole memes devoted to this very thing.

For whatever reason some of us are hard wired to believe if we take a moment we are being selfish. I’ll even take it one step further some of us, we don’t even know how to ask for help. Or say I’m hurting, I need a break, I need help, I need a hug.

Me. Ok, I’m referring to myself. But I’m pretty confident quite a few of you reading this struggle with it too. For me I never want to be a burden, appear weak, or put anyone out. So I usually just keep powering through until I can’t.

I’m here to tell you that is not the best way to go.

Typically it means I get horribly sick. So I have gotten better about going to bed early. Rather than staying up trying to make everything picture perfect. Baby steps in the process.

I am a bit envious of people who are able to openly say things suck. Some even on social media. I’m hesitant to go that route though. I have an acquaintance who regularly laments her life. Reactions are varied. Which is why I and I think other people sometimes just dig in and keep on keeping on.

I don’t want to appear negative or needy or not capable. I have been on my own so long, even with my own parents it can be hard to ask for their help when I’m sick.

To put it in perspective I get chronic migraines, rather than just tell people I have a migraine I have to cancel. I say I’m not feeling the best. I’m too embarrassed to say I have a headache.

That’s silliness. I know, but somewhere along the way… I was made to feel I shouldn’t ask.

To REALLY put in perspective I have had two really serious health and family things happen recently. Maybe two people know. And that’s because one noticed I seemed not myself and the other I had to ask to be my emergency contact.

As parents, Moms, wives, partners, friends, sisters, daughters we are working so hard at being the sparkly rock of support, care and love for everyone else we sometimes don’t know how or forget it’s ok to ask for help.

It’s ok.

Really

You are not any less you for needing a moment or a hand. In fact you’re tougher for knowing to ask. Rather than letting it explode. Take it from the fire starter writing this.

In the last few years I’ve been incredibly fortunate in that my circle is teaching me it’s ok to ask.

This week was tough and my body retaliated in kind. For the first time in a long time I had someone making sure I was ok. My heart is still full from it.

The love and care you give out- Mommas, it’s beyond ok to get that back. But in case you forget I’ll be here reminding you.

❤️

Caprise

Have Kids They Said- It Will Be Fun They Said

Have Kids They Said- It Will Be Fun They Said….

I’m sure you have all heard that phrase before, right?!? I’m not exactly sure who “they” are, but I’m thinking they were drunk or high or maybe even both when “they” came up with that phrase. I know what you are thinking right now…. wow that’s harsh. Maybe, maybe not! Don’t get me wrong, I love my girls more than anything in this world and they are the best two miracles to have ever entered my life. I’m just saying that sometimes (ok, maybe most times) parenting can be downright exhausting. Especially the times when you are grocery shopping and your children are in the dreaded car cart (damn carts) acting out the latest WWF moves with each other.

Back before I had children I planned everything and became anxious and irritated if something didn’t go according to that plan. Then I became pregnant with Emerson and I was beyond thrilled, I started planning her extravagant (maybe it was a bit over the top) nursery right away. Well, apparently Emerson didn’t like plans and decided that she was going to enter the world 4 weeks early after I was diagnosed with severe preeclampsia and hospitalized. When we were finally able to bring Emerson home I realized very quickly that my OCD like behaviors were going to have to take a backseat. There was not enough time in the day to tend to a newborn while sleep deprived and keep a spotless house.

Fast forward almost two years later and I became pregnant with Amelia. I could’ve sworn she was a boy during my entire first trimester. I was so convinced that I had been giving away a lot of Emerson’s girly baby clothes because I wouldn’t need them for a boy. I will never forget the day we did gender reveal cupcakes and Emerson ate into it while I watched on in anticipation awaiting the blue frosting in the middle. The frosting was pink…. I cut open all half dozen cupcakes because I was sure it was a mistake. This confession I always feel bad about, but I can own it. I cried… I cried because I wanted a little boy so badly. I got over it quickly and realized how grateful and thankful I was to have become pregnant again in the first place.

I never in a million years imagined myself being a single mom raising two little girls, it really was not in my life plan. I had met someone ten years ago, whom I thought at that time was my prince charming. Both of our careers were on track, we had each other, and we were living our best lives. Maybe fairy tales really did exist, or at least that is what I thought at the time. Then my world came crashing down on me one piece at a time until I stood at the center of a web of lies and my fairy tale became my worst nightmare.

I’m slowly picking up those pieces and have my friends and family to lean on for support. I look at my girls when they are playing so nicely together (rare moments) and I just have to smile and remind myself that everything truly does happen for a reason. Maybe fairy tales are more complicated in real life, maybe they do not exist at all. However, I owe it to my girls and to myself to keep writing our story, you just never know where it will end up 😉

Remember, hugs are always free!

xX Tamara xX