Tag Archives: struggling

Some Days Are Hard

Some days are really hard…..It doesn’t take a pandemic to struggle.Even after this is over, we will still struggle certain days. I always wonder why some days are a piece of cake and others are just a mess. What sets them apart?

This week has been harder than others, I feel the kids and I were all on each other’s nerves. The other reality was that my job was probably not going to improve anytime soon.

Everything was just piling up. I felt like I was either crabby or sad all the time. I was not sleeping and was starting to feel nervous about things in my life. This is new for me, I am normally a person that feels very in control of my life.

I would wonder why I didn’t get anything additional done during the day. I was exhausted by 4 pm every day. Then I thought about all the things I was trying to accomplish during the day,when in reality I was constantly busy with distance learning, my actual job, conference calls, setting up my kids google hangouts, refereeing fights, making meals, cleaning up from meals, planning the next meal, trying to get 2 teenagers up before noon, getting my kids to do chores, monitoring electronic time, and the list goes on. Honestly, we have been in a good groove before this week. But shit, I can’t take another week like this! It’s funny because i was a stay at home mom for years, but this seems different. Did I lose my touch?

In addition, I miss my friends, my family, and my coworkers. I miss my old routine. I miss the gym. I miss watching a tv show by myself, I miss my drive to work,when I can listen to my own music and it’s quiet. I just miss it all. I even read an article on a mom that turned her backyard trampoline into an isolated retreat and I thought that lady is a genius!!! I might move my room outside.

I know I have so much to be grateful for in my life although sometimes you just need to feel a little selfish. And sometimes everything seems overwhelming. So I needed to change things up.

I started walking later in the afternoon rather than the morning. It was a good end to my day. Plus just changing up my routine gave me something to look forward to also.

I started praying more. I made time to pray when I woke up and then again later in the day. I really was looking for more peace and contentment in my life. I was starting to feel a little lost and didn’t know the right direction I should be going at times. I had to take the time to add this into my daily routine and stick to it. I could tell I needed this.

I started reaching out to more friends to check on them. Helping people or giving encouragement to others has always helped me feel like I have more of a purpose or contentment in my life. It’s also so reassuring to hear that your friends are going through the same thing.

I picked my battles with my kids. I could obviously tell they were having just as hard of a week as I was… I relaxed on the electronic time. And honestly I was as guilty, some nights we all sat on the couch playing our own devices.

I started posting old pictures of my kids on social media. Mostly because it makes me smile and I know my family misses seeing them. And it reminds me of great memories and fun times.

I would stop myself from worrying about things I could not control. I would just tell myself many times that if I can’t control it, then I can’t worry about it. This is hard and it didn’t always work.. but I’m determined to not worry as much. I had to let things go that I did not accomplish during a day. I had to start reminding myself that I should be proud of everything I did in the day and honestly who cares if I didn’t get everything done.

It doesn’t have to take a pandemic for us to feel the pressure of things building up in life,it happens to all of us. It can happen on any normal day. I think it just helps when you are aware it’s happening, try to let it go, and start again tomorrow.

-Snarky

https://www.snarkydivorcedgirl.com/blog

All I Got For You Is A Song

All I got for you is a song…

A few days ago the incredible woman who brought us all here,Noelle, shared a blog about her friend losing a parent.

There was some sad irony in that.

As in a few days I will be going to one of my dearest friends Mother’s funeral.

I am of age where my friends are loosing parents but it is thankfully not something I have experienced.

You always hurt for your people when they hurt and experience loss. However, this loss is hitting me.

When I found out, as I am now I had no words. What can I possibly say?

What do you say to one of your closest friends when they lose their parent? A friend who even when you are at your lowest and most unlovable has loved you. Even when their heart was breaking and they were watching their Mom go, took a few minutes to make sure you were ok.

What do you say about a woman who when you ….

I will just  tell you.

A few years ago I was hosting a music showcase. That same day I broke up with my boyfriend who I started dating after my divorce. The breakup I did not take well. I let old bad habits back in.

Really bad habits.

I think I might have fallen on stage.

Definitely cried during some sad songs.

It was so bad they called one of my Chewbacca’s and strongly suggested he come.

I could feel the shame, but the sadness was stronger.

I came off the stage after an introduction knowing how bad it was, wishing I was home, wanting my Mom and there was my friend’s Mom.

Who gave me a hug and told me all the things I needed to hear at that moment.

I had only met her a few times, but that moment will forever be with me. Like her daughter she loved me when I felt my most unlovable. It is a trait she has definitely passed on to my best friend. That strong, fierce, unconditional love. I really hope you have friends like that.

So here I am struggling to help my friend find the comfort that may not come.

The peace that may ebb and flow.

The words I don’t have.

Instead I did the only thing that makes sense to me. She loves Van Halen. I host a radio show. On Wednesday’s I suggest songs you should listen to.  I suggested Van Halen. I taped my radio shows and made sure to play Van Halen.

And today on Eddie Van Halen’s birthday I made sure to post some more. I, of course have called and sent texts. But as the saying goes where words fail, music speaks.

My hope is that my friend knows that where I’m failing in words I’m sending so much love.

Mommas this would be the part where I give you a  sage pep talk. Sometimes I struggle, this week it’s easy. You are important. There is going to be a moment that you might not even realize, that will mean the world to someone.

<3 Caprise

Waiting For My Turn

Waiting For My Turn…

I was listening to a podcast on the way to work about working moms and being spread too thin. At one point, the guest speaker took a moment to acknowledge single moms because they don’t have someone helping at home with some of the things talked about on the podcast. Just that tiny acknowledgement made me start crying.

Somedays, I wonder how I got here; this is not how I thought my life would be. 45 years old, divorced with two kids, alone …. Most days I keep plugging along with work, the kids, activities, etc and don’t let myself think about it too much. But, some days, especially lately, it’s a continuous reminder. Please don’t get me wrong. I know that I am blessed … I have two unbelievable daughters, great friends and family, a great job with amazing coworkers … and I wouldn’t give all that up for anything. But, sometimes, I would just love to have a person to share my life with.

People say all the time …. It will happen when the time is right, or when you’re not looking, etc. I get that …. I hear you. And I know that the ones who haven’t worked out are a step in my journey and I should take lessons from those relationships. But right now, I am tired …. I am tired of waiting, tired of being alone, tired of doing everything on my own, tired when I don’t get a break, and tired of having to learn lessons all the time. When do I get my turn for love and happiness? I feel completely selfish and petty for having these feelings and saying them out loud when so many of my friends are going through their own tough times. But, then I remember that this is my reality right now and this is what I’m struggling with. And each person’s struggle is just as important as the next person’s.

To see more posts by Laxmi, check out her blog at https://onedesigirlsjourney.wordpress.com/