It all turns out…
I thought I would surprise Kim and send her a blog for Saturday since I have been MIA as one of our writers since a week before Mom died. I have managed to pull myself together for Coffee Chat’s the last few weeks, however writing something has been a whole different animal. I got really sick a week or so ago—so much so that it scared me into asking myself what I needed to fix as it was a really bad migraine and those usually come from system overload—I realized that I had 2 speeds— WARP and Crash,that is all I know, it is what Mom taught me and I see that it is what I have in turn taught my son.
This is NOT good— I have realized this over the last 10 days—realized that I need to start resting in the middle of my life so that I can actually LIVE it and not just go balls to the wall racing through it to do the next thing on my list.
When did I get so freaking hardcore about just pushing through and making it happen—when did I lose my ability to appreciate the small moments, when did I start making myself feel like shit if I wanted to be lazy for a day or a moment—when did I decide that everything had to be so freaking SERIOUS!?
Mom did that—for 75 years she pushed herself hardcore and ended up exiting this life far too soon as a result. She used to tell me that she did not know how to rest— in her journal I found some entries where she says that she made a decision to be “a serious person” and to her that meant giving up her painting and drawing and to some extent her joy to just buckle down and build a business, raise me and get the results. I believe it was at that point that she cut her hair very short and it stayed that way…she felt short hair would be taken more seriously. Granted she lived in a time where women had to work harder to be noticed in business— 40 something years ago—so I suppose she felt that going at it hard was her only choice. That makes me sad—she was an incredible artist and all of that got left behind decades ago—I have two of her paintings on my office wall.
Last Sunday I started talking to you all about looking at things like a cycle instead of like a line with a beginning and an end— I want to share with you what I am learning about how to relax and let go in the middle having certainty that it ALL turns out at the end of the story. There was a FB post that I saw the other day written on October 17th by a woman in Ireland that is 107 years old—in essence she says “stop worrying so much, enjoy your life, it all works out”—she said she has lived through ALL kinds of things and ALL kinds of loss and she assured us all that everything turns out. Everything has a season—sometimes it looks great and sometimes it looks like shit, the trick is to know that it will come around again—there was never a night that had no morning.
Imagine how your life would change on the daily if you woke up thinking, “it all turns out”— I keep saying to everyone around here, “I read the last chapter, it all works out in the end” and I have been really living like that the last 10 days or so and it is changing me…I am not taking everything so fxxxing seriously— I am learning to just take the days as they come and do the next thing in front of me.
I feel like for Mom’s sake, yours and my own that I need to learn how to rest in the middle and keep sharing that with you.
Appreciate the moments—that is all we have.
See you Sunday morning.