Tag Archives: single

Flying Solo

Are you flying solo?

Happily Single?  Reluctantly Single?  Angrily Single?  Which is it?

For so long I was sad that I was single.  But through the work I’ve done & am still doing on myself, through my many prayers with my bestie and through my ‘giving it up to God’, again, I’m able to sit peacefully in it.  I call it Flying Solo.  And I truly do believe it is temporary. 

Am I happy about it?  No.  BUT I’ve certainly learned to find peace in the middle of it.  Yes, I wish it were different.  Sure I miss having a companion to call on and go out with.  BUT I’m peacefully living my life as it is.  I do want to be married again some day or at least in a loving committed relationship, BUT I’m not miserable because of my singleness.  Like I used to be.  I don’t dwell on it or make myself feel less amazing because of it.  I’m a devoted friend, loving mom and I am creatively talented. 

I appreciate my time…taking care of me, going to the gym and spending quiet time before work with my coffee in one hand and my devotional in the other and dabble in my sewing room.  I schedule “Ladies Nights Out” once a month to get girlfriends together, I volunteer my time when I can and tinker in my yard on the weekends. 

Life is good flying solo.

I hope you realize that maybe it’s just not the season for you to be in a relationship.  Do your kids need your attention?  Does your health require your rigor? Does your latest goal need your discipline?  Whatever you’re going through, my hope is that you put your energy on YOU, take care of YOU, do much for YOU and know that when the season is new, when your heart is ready & your space allows. It will come. 

Till then stay available, vulnerable and humble.

And have fun!

xoxo

Your God-girl

Tracy

What Puts The Wonder In The Woman?

What puts the “wonder” in the woman?

I had a bad dream on Saturday night—It woke me up at 6am on Sunday and I was so unsettled that I just got up.  In the dream Antonio was still little and my ex-husband had taken him for a visit, and I was freaking out because I was unable to reach them, and I was worried that he would not bring Antonio back.  I woke up remembering the times that I felt like that, which were infrequent because the ex was pretty much not around the kid’s whole life—that fact likely made me more concerned about trusting him when he did take the kid for a visit.  I had to remind myself that Antonio will be 20 in a few weeks and that he lives right down the street with his own phone and his own car etc.

When I settled myself with those facts, I started thinking about how nobody really helped me with raising him and then I thought about everything that I have been able to do for us—how I brought us from filing bankruptcy to where we are today—how he is going to be 20 soon which means that I have been at this parenting thing for two freaking DECADES.  Then I thought about how much I worried about shit that I couldn’t control, about how f—ing terrified I was most of the time, about how many times I cried after he went to bed or when he was at school because I was just so damn scared about everything.  I was on my own in TN for 12 years with him…his father visited once, my Mother visited never…that’s another whole story for another day…

Point is that I made it, I did it— we are OK, we were OK, I figured it out, I kept going, I keep going.  Now I worry less because I realize that it wastes my energy and when you worry you attract things to be worried about.  None of us need that kind of help.  Truly.  STOP worrying.  

These days I continue to practice what I teach you, vibe from a better, higher place, think the next best thought, elevate yourself on the daily.  Appreciate what you have, keep doing the next thing and then the next.

Do me a favor—stop once in awhile in the middle and think about how FAR you have come, I never do that.  I am trying to learn to do it more—mostly I just kept moving because I was afraid that if I stopped, I would not be able to pick myself back up—I did not give in to despair EVER because I imagined that if I did it would put me out and then who would take care of the kid…so for him I just kept doing the next thing.

I remember days that I was so afraid about money or something else that I could hardly breathe—so I would do the next thing and then say some affirmations or pick up a book that would help me direct my thoughts in a better way.

In case you ever wonder if I know what it feels like to be YOU, I DO.  It’s just that I am a bit further along and I created this work with The Working Single Mom brand to help you see that you can make it too—you can and you WILL.  No matter what is happening now, you will get through it—I did, I do and you will.

Let me help you see what it looks like to get on the other side of hell—I will keep sharing my stories and you keep doing the next thing and use the tools that I am teaching—those tools and those prosperity principles saved my life and they work if you work them.

What puts the “wonder” in Wonder Woman is you and the GRIT to keep going.

GRIT-

courage and resolve; strength of character

See you Saturday on Coffee Chat.

XO, Noelle

Janet Truszkowski-Burton

An empty self, metamorphosed into a woman on a mission to serve and overflowing with peace.  A woman who is humble, kind & continuing on her life-long journey of self-becoming.

Daughter.  Grand-daughter.  Sister.  Mother.  Friend.  Wife.  Mom.

This woman who became her little sisters’ “mother” at a young age because their mom had to work to provide for the family, has learned many lessons in her lifetime.

The most important is to not lose yourself in the midst of life.  As Janet says,

Maintain your own interests & identity.  Be a mom, yes, and be a great mom…BUT….be sure to feed your soul….every day.  You can’t pour from an empty cup.”

It was really tough when her grandmother passed because she was such an inspiration and an integral part of Janet’s life.  Grandmother had a hard life, but she never gave up and she always found joy in the little things.  Janet loves to cook because of her grandmother’s teachings & remembers often, there is always so much to smile about.

Looking back, she now sees “hitting rock bottom” was a catalyst to drive her to care so much for young moms.  It’s what feeds her desire to make a difference.  She remembers her own struggle and if there was somebody in her life to walk through the valley with her back then, it wouldn’t have been so hard, so lonely, so mentally debilitating. “Learning from the mistakes that I’ve made, if I can help younger moms and teach them, support them, guide them…. THAT would be a good day.” 

Janet looks forward to teaching them to be financial responsible as well, and motivating them to keep their identity outside of their job and their children.

You never know how something like this will impact you but after being a “mental mess” she decided it was time to do something.  Holding fast to: “God is GOOD All the Time, All the Time God is Good!!”

She pressed on.  It was hard!  But she built herself up!  Just like her grandmother.

She took a job which became a better job, which then became her career.  Now, she is touching lives every day.  Her boss calls her his partner, which is quite an honor.  She’s extremely important to him and he lets her know it.  When the phone rings-she’s there.  When the clients have questions-she’s there.  When appointments fill up the day-she’s there.  It’s about building relationships and she is good at it!  Janet enjoys building friendships with clients and because of it, they trust her.  To be an integral part of the success of the business is a blessing.

Another blessing was stumbling upon Noelle and The Working Single Mom at a time when Janet needed it most.   Noelle’s strength, teachings, and blunt honesty about her own struggles, burdens &  breakthroughs, Janet learned to change her way of thinking, alter her future and become a stronger woman.  It has helped her have a peaceful, healthy, abundant life.

The biggest blessing of all was raising her two boys.  She gave her ALL to raising them and stand proud at who they’ve become.  Her youngest is off to college soon and she often wonders who will she be separate from her boys?  Giving to and doing for herself is a new thing and she’s anxious & excited at what will come next.  Never forgetting though, ‘Once a mom, always a mom.

This mom’s kind and nurturing spirit fills the room when she walks in.  Her friends look forward to her arrival.  10 years ago though, it was a totally different story!!  She didn’t’ get off the couch, let alone engage with people.  Now as she stands firm in her worth, she is able to say what she means, express herself in a loving way and touch lives one hug at a time.  

Janet continues to hope that she can take her love for supporting single moms to a more workable arena.  Women new to single motherhood, women in their 40’s starting to go through menopause, women who are unsure of themselves.  She knows “If you have someone to help you through it… things can be different.”  

To Be that Voice.  THIS is her passion!!! 

 

Friday Nights Are My Nights

Friday nights are my night…. I do not know when It happened but over the last few years Friday nights are now my night.  It’s Friday night and I am sitting home, pouring a glass of wine, telling Alexa to play my favorite country station, and deciding which pile to tackle first.  

I do not make many plans with friends on Friday night.  I do not schedule a night full of home projects. I do not spend the night running around.   I just save that night for me.  Usually it involves some wine, music, and decluttering… 

I think its the decluttering and reorganizing from the week.  For some reason, going through the pile of mail, school papers, and putting away the laundry on a Friday night has turned into my version of relaxation.   I love it.  

It gives me that time to think about the week.  Think about all the good and bad.. Think about what this weekend will bring.  Will I get up early on a Saturday morning and go for a hike or will I spend it laying in bed until 10 am.  Think about what I will tackle next week.  

There were years, where I would would feel so lonely because I did not have plans or doing something facebook spectacular.  Instead I was home in my sweatpants curled up on the couch watching Dexter.  

But then the more and more that I did that, the more and more I enjoyed it.  The more and more, I realized that I was not lonely or a loser for staying home.  The more and more, I started to choose to do that… And the more and more, I actually looked forward to my Friday nights. And I would even say “no” to having plans.  

I do not feel lonely for not going out with friends. I do not feel like I am missing out on some big party or event.  It took me a long time to get to this point.  The point of not feeling lonely for not having plans.  I know I have wrote many times about being ok with making plans with yourself. Or being ok with just you. 

I know my mind would get the best of me in my early divorced or single years.  For some reason I would think staying home on a Friday meant I was not living that fabulous life.  I would actually be nervous about it earlier in the week, thinking “what am I going to do by myself all weekend”… I would feel jealous for what others were doing.   I would try and not let others know that I did not have anything planned.  I was worried they would feel sorry for me or feel bad because they would think I was lonely.  

I would say “yes” to making plans just to have plans.  Which I learned is complete nonsense… The more I started to enjoy that time alone, the more I gained more inner confidence.  The more I just enjoyed myself.  I really started to enjoy it all.  I did not care anymore about who knew I was just hanging out by myself.  

Staying home alone on Friday nights, started to give me the confidence to start to do other things alone.  From those first few years, it has pushed me to do so much more and gain more inner confidence with being by myself.  It does take time, but it happens.     

My mom is still so funny about me doing things alone. I think she thinks it means I am lonely, which I am not.  I have a hard time convincing her that I choose to do certain things alone.   I love a good hike alone.  I love a good movie by myself.  It just has opened me up to so many new things over the years.  

I still have a vacation on my bucket list to do alone and many other things that I hope to enjoy!  Some day I will get there…but for now I will stick with my Friday Nights!!

 

-Snarky

 

www.snarkydivorcedgal.com

My Divorce Is Final…Now What?

At the time my divorce was final, I was still living with my ex, which I do not recommend to anybody, but financially we just couldn’t support two households. Life went on this way for about 4 months post divorce. Finally I was able to buy a house of my own. We sat down with our 3 daughters and explained to them THIS IS IT! Mommy and daddy would not be living together any longer. They seemed to be okay with the news. 

I was about to turn 40. The first weekend I had to myself was like a scene from a movie. When my ex pulled out of the driveway with our girls for the first time it was his weekend, I screamed out loud with sheer joy. I had already made a playlist with my favorite break up songs, but not the depressing ones, the liberating ones like “I Will Survive” and “All the Single Ladies.” I danced around my kitchen and made myself a gourmet meal complete with a bottle of wine. 

The following day I slept in, got up and pulled my hair into a ponytail. I looked at myself in the mirror and realized I could do whatever the hell I wanted for the next two days. I watched Chick Flicks, Netflix, period dramas, cooking shows, you name it. Most of my divorced girlfriends had immediately gotten involved in other relationships, most that had started before their divorces were final. Not me, I didn’t need a man! I’d read every self help book I could find. I was going to work on myself, love myself (insert eye roll). I knew I needed to be alone and figure out how I’d contributed to the demise of my 12 year marriage………….until the loneliness set in. 

Loneliness can make a woman do stupid things, as I was about to find out. 

Karen

Yep, I Was Ghosted

Yep.. I was ghosted. You meet someone online, you start texting back and forth, then it leads to daily good morning texts to afternoon texts, to evening texts. You talk continuously throughout the day about everything. It continues for months..

Then it just stops.. no morning texts or afternoon texts. Nothing… just crickets. So I guess that’s what people say is ghosted. I was ghosted. I even confirmed with my friends …sure shit I was..

Most of the time, I am not the girl that initiates a snap or text. Maybe I’m old fashion or just want to feel wanted. I’m just a girl that really enjoys funny humor and communication. I enjoy getting to know someone.

So now I’m asking myself…what did I say or do? Was it because I didn’t initiate conversation? Maybe I should have initiated more texts.. but it’s a hard line to walk because I don’t want to be the annoying needy girl. Ugh… no one wants that.

Or was it because I don’t have the time to send a million selfies? Did I not use the right filters? Or was I boring? Maybe I wasn’t using the right emojis..But why the ghosting? Honestly I’m not sure I’ll ever know.

And sometimes you even start making excuses for the person that ghosted you.. like I thought to myself, “ ohh he must be really busy at work or he must be with his kids, or maybe he’s sick”…. Right. I have learned from my dating life when someone is into you and when they are not. And here I am now making excuses.

I have asked myself all those questions over and over…Why does it happen to so many of us all the time…The ghosting.. I just don’t understand how people can not communicate. Or maybe just could say that they are not interested, or confused, or dont know what they want… but something would be better than nothing at all.

It’s hard to start being invested in someone and then they just disappear. It really tugs at your heart, your self confidence and self worth at times. It definitely played with my insecurities. It doesn’t matter if you are 16 or 56, you still have the same emotions with getting to know someone. And after it happens once, how do you prevent it from happening again. I know I have my guard up a lot more now.

And I know I was guilty of ghosting when I was on dating apps years ago. I would chat or go one a date with someone and then eventually not respond. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings or have a tough conversation. So instead I would just not respond, instead of being an actual adult.

Then I learned it was better to just be honest if there was no connection, or if you felt you wanted something different. And with some people, I have continued on with a friendship.

But with others, I have had to discontinue all communication. I learned that I was looking for the easy way out. And I would avoid the difficulty. Not one of my best decisions…

So when it happened to me now. I just had to let it go. You might never know why you were ghosted. You just move on. Getting caught up in the why it happened will not get you to move forward. Some people are not able to communicate how you would like…and as much as you want a reason or answer, you might not get it.

Unfortunately, I still miss the person that I talked to daily…. The ghoster.. most of the time it was just meaningless humor and daily conversation. And I miss that in the craziness of my life…

-snarky

https://www.snarkydivorcedgirl.com/blog

Alone Does Not Equate To Lonely

Alone: adjective; having no one else present, exclusive of anyone or anything

Lonely: adjective; being without company, cut off from others, being solitary of mind

The difference between being alone & being lonely is:

    Alone describes your physical space. 

I live alone in my house. 

I did my grocery shopping alone today.

   Lonely describes your mental space.  

I am lonely sitting on this bench.

I felt lonely at that party last night.

You can easily be alone, be at home all by yourself, separated from others and feel alive, connected and in relationship with the people in your life.   You can be content with your ‘alone time’, finding things  you enjoy doing, when you are by yourself. Cooking, baking, crafting, reading.  You can be alone yet on the phone with a friend, FaceTime a family member or have a Zoom Meeting with your Book Club. 

Just as much as you can be in a crowded room full of people to connect with, conversations to be had, people to say hello to and feel very lonely.  You can be in a Study Hall full of classmates, a conference room stock piled with other colleagues or at the park with your kids and a handful of other moms and again, feel lonely.  

Lonely is an inside job.  Alone is an outside job.  

When you’re alone, you can very easily change the situation by changing your location.  You can go to the mall, library, church meeting Mom’s Group.  You can ask friends over for dinner or go to the movies with a few people.

When you’re lonely though, that is an internal battle to be won.  What causes your loneliness?  Is it the missing of your mate, the envy of your playful neighbors, the wanting of something different?  I am sure whatever it is, if you can identify it, and ….claim it, ….name it, ….look at it square in the eyes. You can find a solution.  It might be uncomfortable.  It might stretch you outside your comfort zone.  It might require something of yourself that you haven’t done in a long time. But I know like I know.  You CAN find a solution.  

Good luck my friend.  Lonely is not your middle name.

xoxo

Your God girl

Tracy

TWSM Book Review ‘The Five Love Languages for Singles’

The Five Love Languages for Singles by Gary Chapman

Reviewed by Liz Fendley

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman started with his original work designed for married couples over 20 years ago. Many of us have heard of the five love languages to help us understand how we prefer to give and receive affection: words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, quality time, and physical touch. This book is dedicated to single adults and addresses our specific needs, including a chapter dedicated to the needs of single parents. It is a great read.

I should probably share the disclaimer that I originally took the five love languages quiz when I was a married parent. As such, I was a bit skeptical of how “real” this book would be for single parents dealing with issues like parenting, work, and dating. My skepticism was dispelled, and I found the book to be refreshing and respectful.

In the chapter on single parenting, Chapman addresses the fact that your children may not have the same primary love language that you do. This one struck home for me. My primary love language is physical touch, closely followed by quality time. When my teenage daughters took the quiz, they both scored with “gifts” as their primary love language. My first response was, “Uh oh. There is no way I can afford this.” Since then, I have learned that something as simple as adding a $1 “gift” to a grocery store or errand run and saying, “I was thinking of you today” can make my daughters’ days brighter. If a loved one tried to do the same thing for me, I would be polite, but I would probably be thinking, “How many calories are in that?” “Seriously, just give me a hug” or perhaps “This house has way too much clutter anyway”.

For most of us, The Five Love Languages for Singles is a great read and Chapman’s background as a pastor and references to scripture will be reassuring. If I have one criticism of this book, it is that Chapman assumes a heteronormative stance due to his specific religious beliefs. If you are an LGBTQI single parent, this book may be less likely to speak to you. Perhaps there are additional resources online that are more inclusive.

As many of us are spending more time at home with Covid-19, I am also happy to say that I found “my” free copy of this book via the Libby app from my local library. The Five Love Languages for Singles is an easy read, and might even keep our homes calmer and happier as we are spending so much time together!

Rating: 4 stars out of 5

~Liz

The Five Love Languages for Singles

Copyright 2014 by Gary Chapman

The Whole Pie

The whole pie…

I have shared with you all there are certain things I am hesitant to share.

I have been told I can be hard to know. Not as a person but in relationships. I don’t share, I put my guard up.

It’s definitely something I am working on and working through.

God bless my therapist.

At the core of it is trust. While in my day to day I see the best in people sometimes to a fault. For people I am in relationships with I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

That blueprint was laid down early on. If I’m being honest, I think I have only had two relationships my whole life where I wasn’t cheated on. I will own some of this. I tend to fall for the men who in conversations I end my sentences with he’s not like that when he’s with me. He promises he won’t. He will by a certain date.

The irony is I come from a family where my parents have been married for over forty plus years. They are loving and supportive.

Where did I learn that wasn’t what I deserved? When did I become “The Fixer of Broken Boys”?

I honestly don’t know.

The older my daughter gets, the more I realize I have to make sure I show her what a healthy relationship looks like. 

Sad thing is here I sit at almost fifty and guess what? I am just starting to have one.

Now you know that.

We still have some mountains to climb and we have our moments, but for the first time since I became a single Mom, I think this person might be someone worthy of my daughter.

That is saying something because well, I have been single since she was two and she’s twelve.

I have someone who doesn’t dismiss me when I am upset. The phrase “I am not trying to lessen how you feel…” , has actually been used when he has been perhaps sharing his side of a disagreement.

I feel like I can let down my walls. Here’s the thing. They are those electric mall kind, so I can just as quickly put them back up. But they’re firmly in the middle right now. That’s a start.

My best friend, who is also a single Mom and has known me since I was thirteen, shared with me a beautiful post about you should be in a relationship that feels like you have the whole pie. 

I don’t have the whole pie just yet but I definitely have a pretty big slice.

As I do I’m sending you love Mommas.

<3 Caprise

All My Guilt Tucked In A Suitcase

All My Guilt Tucked In A Suitcase…

There are two sides to every story, two sides to every coin, and two sides to every single parent.

I constantly feel torn between the mother in me and the single woman in me.

How do I balance it?

Am I giving each side enough attention?

I am grateful that my kids have fathers in their lives that allows me to have a break, but there is still a tremendous amount of guilt for taking advantage of that time. I go on dates, I visit bars, and I attend concerts all while trailing behind me in a suitcase is my mom guilt. All tucked nice and neat are the little what ifs and should ofs of my life. I always tuck away my wish I would of thoughts into my guilt suitcase and carry it along with me, every shift at work, every date I go on, and every night when I fall asleep without little toes in my face.

l’ll always wonder what my children do when they are away from me, even though I know they are safe and happy at their dads, I still wonder. It’s a part of being a mom! I’ll always tuck away my wish I would of thoughts into my guilt suitcase and carry it along with me, every shift at work, every date I go on, and every night when I fall asleep without little toes in my face.

I’m a strong 27-year-old woman who’s succeeding in her career and raising 3 children, but there are days I still doubt myself, and doubt the balance of it all. I’ll be standing in the middle of a dance floor and flooding me are the thoughts of what are my kids doing right now and begin wondering why I’m even out to begin with.

On the other hand, there are days I’m standing in the middle of a pile of laundry and wishing for that mixed drink in a loud bar.

There’s no magic formula for being a single parent or trust me I would trade my guilt suitcase in for it. It’s a crazy ride, and I’m riding it with my hands up. I’m proud of how far I’ve come post-divorce but there are still days of struggle and doubt. I must force myself to take a step back and see what I’ve accomplished and see what happy and healthy kids I have and know that I am doing the best I can.

I’m their mother, their strong courageous mother, I’m also a vibrant beautiful 27 year old who needs a little fun every now and then.

~Serendipity