Tag Archives: share

Time To Be Unfiltered

It’s time to be unfiltered…I have been sharing with you how it has been going now that I’m dating again.

Welp! Here we are.

My person and I actually had a rare day together. Between what’s going on in our world. Our jobs and me having a teenager our moments are few and far between.On my end, I read in a comment on my last post about mom guilt.  I carry some mom guilt if I am away from my daughter doing something for myself.

This is my thing. She is thirteen, she never makes me feel bad when we don’t spend every moment together and to be honest I think she’s secretly relieved I’m not spending every moment with her.

But…

I still feel bad when I do go out. I just do.Maybe someday I won’t. If y’all can let me in on when that would be lovely.

All that aside. I actually had a day date with my person.

A visit to my favorite place for coffee and little shopping for me and the hardware store for him. Lol, I know. But we were together. My person likes to tease me. I will be honest. I don’t usually tease back. I hold back. In previous relationships the teasing was incredibly personal. It was about my appearance, my family, my friends. It was hurtful. To make it stop. I took it in. Shut down. Did not say anything back.I filtered myself.

I have noticed with my current person I will engage but I filter.Now if he was one of my close friends and teased me I would have a comeback. Or a comment. Or a defense.

He noticed.

Immediately.

So… I did something I haven’t done in a long while.

I unfiltered myself.Much like everything else in this process I was petrified.I should not have been.At one point he was laughing so hard he was crying and joking and I thought I was going to have to give me CPR.

Why on earth would I hide that side of me away?

He called me on his drive home and said he hadn’t laughed like that in a long time and he really appreciated me sharing.

I don’t have the magic recipe here.The magic words.

I don’t know how to make this easier or less scary and I am not going to tell you this very person I’m writing about hasn’t also hurt my heart too.Because he has and at some point maybe I’ll share that.

Dating is never easy.If I’m being honest I think it was harder when I was younger. At least now when someone is a complete flake or says…”I don’t think I can pay for that.” I have the means to handle both of those things.But I think it hits harder when it doesn’t work because at one point I was married. 

For me no matter what. There is always that voice.

“Maybe it is me”.

Which is ridiculous.People are complicated.Relationships are complicated.What I’m learning is to cut myself some freakin slack.Things will either work or they won’t.What I absolutely can’t do is lean into all the things that made me miserable the first time around.

I know it’s super cheese and cliche but this saying is kinda true….

“Better to be happy and alone then miserable and with someone”.

But maybe that won’t happen. In the meantime I’m going to do my best to enjoy this.

Be safe & much love Mommas

💚Caprise

The Power Of Speaking Up

The power of speaking up..If you have been reading my posts the last few weeks I have been sharing my struggles with dating again. Almost all of it is because of communication and fear.Those two things I think are in a really healthy relationship actually and as such, they have definitely had an impact on mine.

Through all of this I keep thinking what would I tell my daughter? What do I say to my friends? I mean… what do I share with you all?

So… I mustered up a whole lot of courage partnered with a whole lot of Reese’s and told my kinda, sorta, person what I wanted. What I needed.

There were some tears.It was a jumble. A bit of a mess.At one point he asked me if I wanted to write it down. 

Yup….I know.

He listened.Really patiently actually.But I will be honest … I felt terrible. Selfish even. Which I know is crazy. When you are with someone you should be able to speak up, except up until now I have never felt like anyone has wanted to listen.

Here I am a few days later writing about it. Sharing it. Guess what?

Everything is fine.

In fact maybe better than fine because we talked through why I have a hard time speaking up.That in and of itself was incredibly powerful. Still scary. But I think we understand each other better now. Which we need. I need. 

I still have absolutely no idea where any of this will land but I am relearning what a healthy relationship looks like and that is powerful too.

Be safe and much love Mommas 

<3 Caprise

Let Your Guard Down

Let your guard down….

It’s Sunday afternoon and while the sun is out the Midwest is not quite ready to give us Spring. It even snowed in parts of our state today.It’s ok. The sunshine is still good. It was our Spring Break and unfortunately it mostly rained.My daughter and I decided movies and board games would be how we celebrated a few days home.

We also got a whole lot more than five minutes together. Which for me was great. She shared a lot and I continue to hold my breath waiting for when she may not. For now I’m enjoying these moments. It got pretty deep. I value that she trusts me. I appreciate it.

Some of what she shared was about her Dad.

Our relationship, his and mine, is hard. Still. Rolling on a decade later.  I carry around a lot of anxiety when it comes to him. Which thankfully I thought… see the word thought I do a pretty good job keeping from our daughter.But everyone has their breaking point.

I didn’t realize how hard I had been holding it in until a conversation with my best friend.I am a private person when it comes to my personal life. Welp, ok y’all read my blogs.. but there are a handful of people who know all my nitty gritty.

I don’t want to be a burden.

Share too much.

Make waves.

So I hold it in.

Today I let it out. I cried. I shared some of my biggest fears and it was so incredibly scary. Honestly, it was terrifying.

Funny thing is every week I write these blogs but I can’t tell people I care about. I’m scared.My friend said he was surprised because it is so the opposite of who he knows me to be.And maybe that is why I was afraid. To share. To let my guard down. I take care of everyone. I have a job that puts me in a position where I have to be comfortable talking to EVERYONE.

Yet this anxiety, this stress I carry on my own.Luckily I have a person who does know me. And noticed. So I opened up. I shared. I let my guard down.

Here I am a few hours writing about it feeling for the first time in a long time like a lighter person.Wondering why I held onto this for so long. Maybe I hadn’t found the right person to let me guard down with. Maybe those deep talks with my daughter and surviving them gave me the courage.I really have no idea, but my hope for you is to have someone in your life who you can let guard down with.

Be safe and much love Mommas.

<3 Caprise

iPhone Charger Wars

I have the ultimate family test of love, compassion, and sharing!  ……  “What is it, you ask?”    Share ONE iPhone charger for a week.  LOL  Yep, my family of 4 kids plays this game all-the-time!  They must love it because no matter how hard we try to keep the house stocked with chargers, it inevitably always comes down to ONE.  That one charger that has someone’s name written on it, but it has been smudged out so that no one can make out the writing.  That one charger that starts a war between siblings and turns the fight into a suburban version of The Hunger Games.  That one charger that barely works because it has been pulled out of the wall too many times and the wires are exposed.  This charger becomes a lifeline for my children and they fight over it like piranhas.  Sound familiar?  

Well, this week, I am turning the tables and need your advice and parenting tips!  What do you do?  I feel like there are a few options:

  1. Take the charger away and let the electronics die a slow death.   The consequence of this could be a lovely night that is screen-free, but I am more anticipating 4 kids crying in their bedrooms and weeping, moaning, and acting like, they too, are dying.
  2. Pick one kid that has been especially awesome lately and let that child use the charger while the others cry in their room and yell at me for picking favorites.
  3. Create a rotating schedule of charging everyone’s phone for 15 minutes. No one is happy, but their phone is given just enough life to keep the screen on.
  4. I buy all 4 kids’ new chargers, and I cry in my room, silently defeated by the parenting game because my kids just won. 

What do you think?  Is there a better option?  What do you do?

In the meantime, I bought a Samsung.  Let the kids play this crazy game while my phone is still at 100%.  (wink, wink) 

-The Impactful Parent

@theimpactfulparent on social media

Not Just Good But Greater Good

Not just Good, but Greater Good.

Can you imagine what your Greater Good would look like?  Close your eyes and imagine.  Who would be there?  What would you be doing?  How would you be acting?  What would you say?  Where would you live?  Etc, etc etc.  Now, understand and know…. that you have not even come close to the actual Greater Good that is available to you.

God’s Ways are over, above & beyond anything our puny little minds can concoct.  We are one small piece of sand on the Pacific Coast.  We are one minute being in the galaxy of endless galaxies.  We are a blade of grass in a field at full-on harvest.  Do you believe in the grand scheme of life, there is far more available to you, coming to you, waiting for you?  Open your arms & be ready, because it is there.

I am part of the Greater Good of all mankind.  I am an instrument of God’s love in the Greater Good of my life.  I wake up every day expecting the Greater Good to show up.  I see, hear, feel and stay open to every bit of Goodness that is for me.  I’m being used every day in ways I’ve always imagined possible.

May we both walk through life with our heads held high in anticipation for what is next.  May we be ready for it when it comes and handle it with courage and grace.  May we be beacons of greatness to others who are waiting for theirs.  May we move forward, press on, stand tall, dig in, love big, express peace, share joy, give back, believe in more, take it, own it and share it with the world.

Are you ready?

I am.  I’ll meet you there.

xoxo

Your God-Girl,

Tracy

Love Is A Powerful Thing

Love is a powerful thing

When you love another, ….do you love full out?

My hope is YES!!!!

Do you spread your heart wider than you thought possible?  Do you go deep within to reveal the power of your love?  Do you trust yourself enough to love at full throttle?

My hope is, YES!!!!

Do you love with no conditions, no guidelines, no presumptions, no expectations?

My hope is YES!!!!

Love is certainly a multidimensional thing.  I love my mother.  I love my son.  I love coffee too, but that’s a different kind.  I’m talking about the kind of love that comes from your heart.  Your open, vulnerable, God-thriving heart.  The place where your sacred self dwells, the place where maybe only a few have tread.  Where the sweet essence of raw, real, true love… lives.

The world is so good at teaching us to be careful, to watch out for the other shoe to drop, to be on your guard, etc etc etc…..  sooooooo in that space of watching and protecting, we wall ourselves off from what may be coming right at us.  Love that’s ready to embrace us, pounce on us and scoop us up.

When we question and doubt the love from another we take the chance of having none.  Look at yourself and see where do you doubt your own?  Where do you deny, give up, sell out on yourself?  Where do you not believe, trust or value your own heart?

When you know…like you know…like you KNOW….. that you are made of love, by love, for love… things will change.  Your life will change.  Your heart will change.  You will send your love out to the world, through your words, through your actions, through your smile.  And love will be all there is.

xoxo

Your God-girl

Tracy

You Do Not Always Need To Hold It Together

You do not always need to hold it together….

Some of us know the hit song “Homecoming queen” by Kelsea Ballerini. 

”Hey homecoming queen – 

what if I told you the world wouldn’t end. 

If you started showing what’s under your skin? 

What if you let em all in on the lie? 

Even the homecoming queen cries

Yeah, What if I told you the sky wouldn’t fall?

If you lost your composure, said hell with it all”.

 

This song just gets to me every time.  Why do we always have to hold it together?

Growing up I learned to keep my emotions together.  I did not show much sadness or tears. Through my marriage it continued. It was all about holding it together even when I felt like a mess inside. It’s this feeling that you always have to be perfect..or act a certain way. I hid my feelings for years, thinking is this how I’m going to live the rest of my life. I still have a hard time showing my true emotion to my parents.. it’s a hard thing to overcome. 

It’s like the song, what if you started showing what’s under your skin? What if you showed people who you really are.. so many times, I changed myself to fit others.  Or I hide how I felt inside.  

Through my divorce, I would cry in the shower.  We all have that place where we can let it out.   I would put on my favorite music and cry. It was the place I could escape the outside.  And it was the place that my kids would not see me. It’s hard to always put on that happy face.  At times, I would feel so alone. And even though my divorce was my decision, I still felt sad and alone. This is something a lot of people do not understand. I would hide it from most of my friends. The entire divorce process can take so much out of you.  I felt deflated at times, like it was never going to end. Why at age 40 something, do we still feel we need to hide our emotions???

I grew up not being able to communicate emotions and I was married to someone that could not communicate emotions, so this was a challenge.  It’s a lifelong process moving forward. Learning to tell someone that you didn’t have a “good” day instead of just lying through it. I want my kids to see that I’m not always happy.. and that sometimes I have bad days also.  I want to just be honest with them and tell them when I had a bad day at work or when someone treated me poorly.  

The world is not going to end because you can’t hold it together.  It’s ok to break down.. it’s ok that you can’t get your kids to school on time or that they wear their shirt backwards.. it’s ok that you are not perfect. It’s ok that you skip events for school. It’s ok that your kids don’t shower everyday.  Or if you forgot about soccer practice. No one can hold it together all the time.

I want to teach my kids that they don’t need to hold it together. I want them to be able to show emotion. I want them to know that they can get angry and sad and frustrated and let it out. They don’t need to hold it together for me or anyone else.  I want them to be able to just tell me when I’m frustrating them. I want them to be able to communicate how they feel. I notice how my daughter holds it together so many times when she should just be able to let it out. We all have have melt downs and tantrums in life. 

I want my kids to just show emotions and who they are… when they are upset with me I ask them why.  There was a time in my life when I would just blow up and say no to them, but I learned that didn’t help anyone.  I now make them communicate to me why they think I’m wrong.. instead of just stomping to their room mad. I ask them why they are upset with one of their friends and explain it to me.. don’t worry I get plenty of eye rolls and huffing like a teenager, but sometimes I learn that I am overreacting and they are right.  We compromise a lot, but I get them to talk more then I would have in the past. And mostly I want them to learn how to tell other people how they are feeling. I want them to not be perfect and hide their emotions.

Little by little I have learned that I was doing the best I could. And little by little I learned to let more and more of myself out.  I started to show my kids who I really was… that I’m funny and sarcastic, but there are also days that I’m overwhelmed. That I forget things and that sometimes I’m just too tired. Or I just don’t want to do it.  And the more that I do that with everyone the more happier and content I make my life.  

Snarkydivorcedgal

www.snarkydivorcedgal.com/blog

So It Begins

And so it begins…Earlier this week as I was getting ready for work my daughter noticed the sweatshirt I was wearing and announced she wanted it.

Luckily I have more than one version of said sweatshirt and I pulled the one I wasn’t wearing from its hanger and handed it to her.

She clapped her hands put it on and was attached to it for the better part of three days until I finally snuck into her room and threw it in our hamper.

As I type this- I’m smiling. My daughter is twelve and she has hit that stage where she asks if I am going to leave when I am in her room too long.

So her wanting a piece of my clothing and wearing it consecutively for three days … it goes without saying it meant a lot to me.

Twelve has been hard.

She has started middle school- her second year actually. Conversations that I avoided in an attempt to protect her are happening, because she has friends who are vocal about their parents situations.

Thankfully we have been able to have some frank conversations without me having to paint anyone as better or worse. Because at the end of the day,at least right now all she needs to know is we just didn’t work. Sometimes opposites do not attract lol.

But getting back to this clothes borrowing thing. It is allowing me stolen moments. Shy conversations about friends, teachers and people she likes or doesn’t.

It’s interesting that bonding over a sweatshirt is helping us bond. Maybe it’s not the sweatshirt, maybe it’s me. I am petrified as we continue our journey closer to the numbers ending in teen we could have a strained relationship. The cliches exist for a reason. G also carries the added weight of trying to manage two households. She shouldn’t have to but it’s our reality.

What I do know is if letting her borrow my clothes means she shares more moments and snippets of her life with me. Well, aside from maybe one or two pair of boots she can raid my closet anytime.

Sending you lots of love Mommas.

<3 Caprise

I Want To Thank You

I want to thank you…

Last week I dipped my toe in the pool and shared with you all the reality of my marriage.

Believe it or not I am a pretty private person. So even though every week I share pieces of me here. I have people in my life who are still trying to piece together if I’m married. No.  Or dating… I will say this.  Maybe lol.

But that’s not what this is about. It’s about the aftermath of putting such a big piece of me on a platter.

Full disclosure last week I read every last comment  on my post right before I had to pick up my daughter, I got in my car and sobbed. Heavy, shaking sobs. First my heart was breaking that so many women understood. Second, my heart was breaking because complete strangers understood when the people I loved and trusted had not.

I can not put into words how much I appreciate all the messages and kind words.

I didn’t share my story for support, I shared it in hopes of letting other people know they’re not alone. I shared it to show it can happen to anyone. I shared it because it’s important to share it.

Again and again and again.

Even though its incredibly hard to admit it happened. I have always been a strong person I still am. But even strong people can get hurt.

I was asked by someone who I care about immensely after they read it, two things:

Why I let this happen

If I am bitter

It’s like I’ve said. Sometimes you get so far in, you believe all the words. You don’t know what to do.

Becoming a Mom dug me out. I don’t make that a secret. G deserved to see what a happy Mom looked like.

Am I bitter? No. Am I guarded and private and quirky as all get out? Oh my goodness yes.

I strongly feel I just chose poorly. I also know I don’t make it easy for people to know me. I still believe in being married and someday maybe again.

But I have very high walls.

I also still live with the worry my ex will somehow see these. Which shouldn’t matter. But I wouldn’t be truthful if I didn’t tell you, he still makes me nervous. What he might do.

My hope is that someday I won’t.

My last and final share here is I am happy. It’s taken a while and things aren’t perfect but the fact that I can share any of this. The fact it’s not nearly as scary as I thought it would be, means I am finally taking me back. And you Mommas have helped me.

Thank you

<3 Caprise

Something New Is Coming

It’s time to organize and make room for something new.  If you’re all full… things in every corner, pictures on every wall, piles of things that you’ve collected over the years….. There is NO ROOM for something new to come in.  The energy is either stagnant or stale or just flatly content.

Purging, tossing, sharing, recycling, releasing, donating…all of that…it’s so important to do…. not only for your sanity, your sore back, your stress-filled energy & your heavy-laden shoulders….BUT also so new things can come to you. If your space is full of clutter, chaos, old memories, hand-me-downs, excess, mama’s antiques, papa’s war photos, chachkies, memorabilia, stuff, stuff & more STUFF….there is no room…I’m talking NO ROOM for new opportunities, ideas, movement, concepts.  Nada.

Why?  Because your already full. Full Up. Full Up with everything and anything that may mean something or may mean nothing at all.  So you haven’t made the time to get it handled.  Now sounds like a good time to start ,right?  Take a look around you and choose somewhere to start.  If you haven’t looked at it, needed it, or even remembered you even had it, that’s a good indicator that it’s time to pass it on.  And passing it on is a good way to give to someone who maybe has nothing.

Move it on, pass it down, throw it out, give it away.  Whichever works for you.

Stuffed drawers, overflowing files, busting-at-the-seams closets, duplicates, triplicates, an abundance of things you don’t use.  Make a list of the different spaces you’d like to clean up.  Make a list of how you’ll feel if things were different.  Then start with one thing.  Just one.  Get it done and cross it off the list.  Smile at your success and see what new is coming your way.

‘Cuz it’s coming.

 

Your God Girl,

Tracy