I don’t know where to start…I had a really hard time writing this blog this week.
Typically something happens , I share it and away we go.
Except some things are so heavy, they are things I struggle even to share with the people closest to me.
But sometimes a share is something someone else needs. To know they are not alone.
So here it goes…
I have been struggling. I am a happy person about 80% of the time. 90% on a good week. I fight hard for it. I wasn’t always. A happy person. Another blog maybe.
However, over the last few weeks. The stress of work, my personal life, a health scare. I have been holding it together with duct tape and bubble gum.
I have done a good job of putting on a brave face but when I’m alone I’m at my worst. I’m quick to cry anyway- see my last blog. But this is different. Stopping is hard. Starting is way too easy.
While I don’t have the Webster Dictionary definition of depression. I do have these moments. If I’m being honest, I’m embarrassed that I do. What in my life is so bad? Others have it worse. I should be able to handle it. At least that is the tape that plays in my head.
My therapist would not to be pleased, that even after a few years together that tape still plays in my head.
Those are words that while they are spoken more than they used to be. Still bring with them a certain amount of side eye.
“You don’t look depressed.”
“What do you have to worry about?”
The reality is we all are fighting.
Some of us just hide our battles.
I finally fessed up to mine when one of my nearest and dearest sent me a picture of the newest member of their family.
He is of the four legged variety and I’m excited to meet him.
My N&D asked me how I was.
I said I felt like a lightning bug in a jar.
She replied with “a damn beautiful lighting bug…”
Cue the waterworks
Even saying that was hard.
Telling one of my best friends I was hurting was hard.
Sharing with you all is scary.
Here’s the thing…even as someone who has a hard time believing it.
There is no shame in the struggle.
It is ok to need to ask for help.
It’s beyond alright to have a good cry in your car.
Please know I’m not making light of this but I am definitely trying to lighten the mood.
For me, for you.
I shared this, so you know Mommas we all have our moments.
Those moments don’t define you. Those moments don’t make you any less fantastic.
Those moments make you – you.