Tag Archives: self esteem

What I Believed

I was reading Noelle’s Blog the other day called ”What Do You Believe” and I was going to comment at the bottom but wasn’t sure if you’d see it.  Go to the Blog & read it,  It’s a really GOOD one!!!  It’ll open your mind.

It reminded me of my first marriage. In the beginning, I did not really, really, really see the effect his outbursts were having on me.  Mainly because whenever he did go off on a tangent, I’d remove myself.  I’d go for a walk or sit outside or visit a girlfriend.

BUT they were still there.  And YES, they had an effect on me….BUT I stayed because, well, after all…I did love this man….and it’s what I saw growing up, so I THOUGHT.. ok.… this is my journey.  Live with it.  Be his helper, his partner, his friend.  OK….  Yes…..  To a point.

NOT to the point of destruction.  Not to the point of holes in walls.  BUT mind you…I didn’t really GET it… I’m talking REALLY TRULY GET IT…. until….

I went to a girlfriends house and saw a conversation between her and her husband, that I thought should have been an explosive one (based on what I believed about bad situations).  They spoke lovingly and kindly and respectfully to each other.  They held each other’s hands and explained and listened and kissed afterwards.  I had NO idea this type of talking in the middle-of-an-upset existed.  I thought it was okay to scream and yell and throw things.

NOT!  Not today.

Until that day I went to my girlfriends house and saw a new way…. I did not know what I Did Not Know.  I only knew What I Believed.

So, getting too the root of what we believe, will take some work.  Some rigor.  Some soul searching.  And some looking at some ugly stuff we may not want to see.  

But it is SOOOOooooo worth it.

Go.  Search.  Look.  Find.

xoxo,

Your God girl

Tracy

Smoke and Mirrors

Smoke and mirrors…

I spent some time – (can I add a big hooray to that by the way) with one of my favorite humans this weekend helping her find a dress for a wedding. We started talking about relationships and appearances.

We are both on the later and earlier side of our 40’s and 50’s respectively. She was sharing conversations she had with another group of girlfriends all in different phases of relationships and how their partners talked to them.

If I’m being honest – this is fascinating to me. We live in a society that definitely plays both sides. Pinterest is FULL of inspirational quotes around loving yourself. When a magazine cover features a model who isn’t a size two, it’s revolutionary. YET the backlash is REAL. Even from those who love you.

Little comments… you’re going to wear that? That’s an interesting color. All those tattoos make you look tacky.

I have written about this before but I was picked on. A lot as a kid. I was the smallest, had problems with my teeth, glasses, and a skin condition. So even though I’m not that little kid anymore, I’m always going to be that little kid.

Which makes me super sensitive and very aware of how I look.

Throw in a marriage where EVERYTHING about me was picked apart. Followed by a long term relationship with a guy who scrutinized my appearance.

The internal struggle is real. I am a big hearted person who wears my heart on my sleeve. So unfortunately at 47 I’m still putting bandaids on some hurts.

But you know what? It’s unfortunate but it’s ok. We all have our stuff.

Here’s mine:

I am the lady who only recently started wearing leggings in public. I just bought my first pair of sweatpants. I also, always at a minimum wear lipgloss and mascara when I leave the house.

I realize as I typed that it’s pretty crazy pants. You want to know the even crazier part?

I don’t push any of this on my daughter.

Thankfully she doesn’t read these because I’m about to truth bomb…

Showering – umm do twelve year olds feel it’s not necessary? She has BEAUTIFUL hair, which she refuses to even put in braids! Please let your Mom style it? No. Ok. Doesn’t want earrings. The last time she wore a dress was for a play. She loves lipgloss however- ok that might be me a little. She has only mentioned her weight once and it was never mentioned again when we talked about how it’s about being healthy. She is so tall. Her favorite thing to do is show anyone and everyone she is taller than me.

She is solid in who she is.

And it’s magical. I love it and want to bottle it and spray that on me.

So even though inside I’m continuing to fight the age old battle of not feeling like I’m enough

because of how I look or even sometimes who I am, yes I realize how ridiculous that is. The smoke and mirrors are working and I’m somehow magically showing my daughter she is more than enough. No matter what she looks like, because that is absolutely not what it’s about.

Sidebar my magical creature recently had a birthday and donated almost all her birthday money to charity. And FYI this was the first year she got birthday money but felt that strongly she needed to help.

#proudmom

Mommas we are more than our outsides. We are Moms. That’s a hard job.

On my end I’m trying. I have a magical twelve year old who can get things off shelves for me looking at me and how I handle things. I gotta show her I really am the badass I pretend to be.

Much love Mommas

<3 Caprise