Tag Archives: self care

Why Are Doritos Enough?

Why are Doritos enough? Being content without being in a relationship.Soon after my divorce, I dated quite a bit and then I was in a serious relationship,for over a year and a half.  Which I know I have wrote about in some of my previous blogs….

Fast forward a couple years, why am I NOT serious about dating now? Why am I content spending nights eating Doritos and watching Netflix.  I hear all the time, why don’t you have a boyfriend.  I get asked about my dating and why I’m not in a relationship… Maybe because I just want to do other things and I am content.   Back off Debra…

Kids…

I share 50/50 custody with my children.  My children are in their prime years.. they are 15,12, and 9.  And they are heavily involved in sports, activities, church friends, etc. I complain a lot about them because my nights and days are spent driving them everywhere. However, I know that these are the years I will never get back. I love my time with them and I cherish it.  We spend our time just hanging out and having fun. I have realized that this point in my life, I do not want to change the dynamic of our family and life. They feel comfortable and safe at our home.

Time to myself…

After my children leave for their dads, I have learned that I love to have time to myself.  I need that time to decompress after the crazies have left.. I love to have a night to myself to go for a walk or hike. I am not being selfish, but I love that time. I know I have mentioned this before on how my house can go from a crazy madhouse to deathly quiet. Anyone that has shared custody with kids can probably relate to this analogy. I am a huge advocate for how important making time for yourself is in life.

Not enough time to commit…

I feel that with the demands of my children, I would not be able to give the amount of time dedicated to being  in a relationship.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against it.  I know that right now, I can not dedicate the time needed for a relationship.  I have been in a relationship and it was very hard to divide the time between my children, boyfriend, and everyday life. I was overwhelmed much of the time.  I just couldn’t get it all done and I had no time for myself.  Many times I was so stressed and crabby, I was mad at everyone.   There were times in the past when I knew I picked my relationship over my kids. Or I would drag them along to activities that they had no interest in, just to see my boyfriend.

Since that relationship, I have taken a lot of time to understand why it didn’t work.  Relationships require a lot of commitment.  They require hard work and making them a priority. I know that I would not be able to make a relationship a priority right now in my life.

In the past, I seem to attract men that are really looking for a serious relationship.  Even after, I am very honest with what I was looking for in dating and the amount of time that  I can commit. I get overwhelmed by the constant texting and not being able to respond. Yes, I know all the quotes about “if you really want to, you will make time”.  I have heard it all, but its not at the top of my list.  I do understand that thinking however, when I’m with my children, I do not feel like taking time away from them to be texting possible dates.   And from some of my past dating experiences, some of the guys that I have met think that all my free time should be spent with them.  This is even after one or two dates.  That is not true.

Priorities…

Right now, I have many areas in my life that I want to make more of a priority. I enjoy writing my blogs and gaining more experience. This is something that I have taught myself through research, podcasts, and social media.  I am learning new things all the time that I want to learn about.  I think I was in an unsatisfied marriage for over 13 years and the last 5 years I have learning all over again what I enjoy.  Until I can accomplish these goals or priorities, then a relationship will not be a priority.

I’m Actually Content…

I guess what it comes down to is my life, is that I’m very content and comfortable right now.  I look at how much I have changed and grown in the last 5 years.   I’m comfortable with not having my children 100% of the time. That was a huge obstacle for me. I am content hanging out by myself. I am comfortable saying no to a date..  well unless he was really cute.

There is no magical answer to when is the best time to enter in a relationship.. it’s all up to you and what you want out of it.  As I have adjusted to being divorced, I have learned there is no rush in anything. And there is no problem in waiting or saying it’s not a priority right now.  So just tell your family and friends to back off….

Snarky

www.snarkydivorcedgal.com/blog

What Are Your Hobbies?

What are your hobbies?  I have hated that question since I was in school.  I have no hobbies…How do you start doing things you for you?

Last Spring, I decided that I needed to do something for myself. I needed to start getting back into things.. And by things I mean, hobbies, activities, or something that I loved.  I was married for over 13 years, you have kids, and then you stop doing things that you love.   I think we all experience that part of life even with being divorced or not. Having kids is great, but you have to give up many things in the process. I stayed home with my children for many years, so over time I forgot the things that I loved. Or I would feel guilty for wanting to do them.. Yes, the mom guilt.

I love music.. I love concerts…I love working out.. I love golf.  I started to think about all the things that I had really enjoyed in life and had not enjoyed in so long.  It had been years since I had done a lot for myself.  Or even put myself first.

I had golfed after college and even did my internship at a golf resort, but after having kids I had not done it in years. I had missed it.  Being outside with friends and a few drinks in the summer felt so heavenly.   I knew a friend that was in a women’s golf league and so I decided to join. I did not have a partner and I only knew a few people in the league, this was way out of my comfort league.  I usually gravitate towards smaller groups and people that I know.  I was scared to death… what if my partner was a golf pro, what if she wasn’t fun, what if she didn’t sneak drinks on the course… All these things were going through my head.  I like to know what to expect and this was all new…I am a woman in her 40’s that is freaking out about meeting new people.  Yep, just like high school it never changes.

Well I did it, I joined the league and somehow I got placed with a partner that was just recently divorced with kids.  All of my fears were put aside the moment I meant her.. I mean she suck “truly’s into her golf bag.  A girl after my own heart!  We really suck at playing golf, but we have so much fun. I honestly believe that everything happens for a reason and this was it.   I mean sometimes its pretty much dark before we get off the course..haha.  We golfed each week and could talk about our divorce, frustrations, dating, etc.. we became great friends.  I can not tell you how great it felt to do something again that I am doing for myself and that I love.

Every Tuesday from May through September I golf in a women’s league.  This is what I do for myself. Yes, I do golf league even when I have my kids. I am not a bad mom for not spending every moment with my kids and I have learned that you do need to put yourself first at times.

It just think its important to start doing things, activities,  hobbies, etc. for yourself.  Find the one that you love or might learn to love.. And do it.  You might have to start from scratch and find something you enjoy..might be something completely different than the old you. Lets face it, you are different.

https://www.snarkydivorcedgirl.com/

Snowball Effect

Hey everyone, I want to apologize for my month long absence. A lot of things have happened over the last month or so and I am still trying to pick up all the pieces, the snowball effect.  I took a month long mental health break from writing to take care of myself.

 Everything started with one of my grandmothers unexpectedly passing away. By a miracle and some caring people, I was able to get a plane ticket to go to the funeral. Unfortunately,I still wasn’t able to make it.

It was the first time in years I’ve been on a plane due to flight anxiety. Everything seemed to be going smoothly until the take off of my first of two flights. The second we took off, my anxiety turned into a full blown panic attack and at one point I fainted from sheer panic. Once we touched down in Denver, I kept trying to convince myself to get on to my next flight. This lead to hyperventilation and being unable to speak. After speaking with my mother, we decided it was best for me to just catch a Greyhound home. I still am disappointed in myself for not making it to my grandmothers service.

 While serving bills started piling up, and I couldn’t find reliable childcare for overnights. I decided to go back to school bus driving and work toward my CDL A so I can get a job with the state.

With all the struggles going on I am finding gratitude everyday and realize even through the snowball effect it is preparing me for blessings. The worst times in our lives are meant to direct us and prepare us for the best.

 During this time of trials for me I’ve still been finding away to bless others. One of my friends recently left a toxic relationship, she had no bed and was sleeping on the floor with her son. I seen a free bed on Facebook and brought it to her. The lady also took the opportunity to bless her more. It really helps me to see that I can be a vessel of blessing to others in my life even when things are tough.

 I’m working things out little by little, I just want to thank you all for your patience with my posts during this fire season.

 Blessed

Ali

I Gotta Live

You gotta live!

If you are a faithful follower of this page you know we like to give out regular reminders of how you should look out for yourself. Take care of yourself. Take time for yourself.

The reality as Moms it’s just not something we do.

And if we do- the guilt we lay on ourselves or let others lay on us is huge.

That guilt also tends to hold us back.

We are Moms we put everyone first, it’s what we do. It’s how we’re built.

But sometimes life hands you a timetable.

That’s when you can’t sit on your hands anymore and wait.

I feel like what I’m about to write is a constant in my blogs. It’s ok to ask for what you need.

Maybe I write this a lot because I’m not great at it. I struggle to ask for more time. To tell people when I’m hurt. Sad. Jealous. Mad. Even happy. I don’t want to be too much or not enough so I sit on my hands and wait.

Then one day life hands you a timetable.

I’ve always had one.

We all do. Some of us just have timetables written in green neon we can’t control while others get a dry erase board.

Either way.

You gotta live.

I spent a long weekend with some of my favorite humans and came clean about a lot of big things in my life and kept waiting for a shoe to drop that never did.

Instead my people rallied and scolded and put things on the calendar.

I have my reasons for having a tight reign on my life and some are valid but some hold me back.

I made big changes in my life to show my daughter a person who loves you should not hold you back. It’s ironic I don’t seem to love myself enough to do the same.

That ends know.

My timetable is neon green.

One light/letter is already out.

In the words of one of favorite people “I gotta live.”

You do too Mommas,

You do too,

<3 Caprise

Cut Yourself A Break

Cut yourself a break.

Why is it that we are mean to ourselves? Not just rude, but down right mean. Since I was little everyone called me Rah-Rah Rachel. Lifting other people up was and well…. still is my entire identity. How did I insert a light switch into the way I talk to others, verses myself? I spend my days crafting ways to lift others up. Do they need a card with reasons why they are important, should I pay for their heating fuel with all my taxes, should I drop off flowers because they posted they had a rough week? I search.   I search day in and day out for how to help lift others, and yet I drop myself.

I do a nightly routine of squeezing my mama chunk roles, and self-loathing. I never even noticed I was doing it each night until my husband told me to stop, and I was perfect the way I was. I would grab my rolls and squeeze them tight, huffing and puffing about how unhappy with my body I was. I wouldn’t sit down and eat a warm meal, I was racing around to clean the dishes verses just stopping and putting me before a pile of stationary dishes. They weren’t going anywhere…. But I couldn’t stop myself or love myself enough to give myself a moment break.

My fellow mamas, I’m sure you’re in the same spot. You equate the price of shirt your looking at for yourself, into bottles of formula, day care costs, kid activities, laundry detergent. The shirt never makes it home because you don’t rank on the importance scale in your head.  YOU ARE IMPORTANT. You DO matter!  It’s not about the shirt. It’s about the concept!

Self-care isn’t all about bubble baths, and new clothing. Sometimes it’s not pinching your belly chunk or leaving the dishes. Sometimes its talking to yourself like you would a friend. It’s blasting a song, singing silly in the car with the windows down not caring who is watching, or sipping a cup of coffee in 5 minutes peace. Make yourself important. Put your needs first even once a day. If it is leaving the laundry till tomorrow. Leave it. It won’t go anywhere, but you deserve kindness. You deserve a moment to just yourself, however you choose to use it.

Stay Positive and Kind,

Rah- Rah Rachel

“Your trauma is valid. Even if other people have experienced “worse”. Even if someone else who went through the same experience doesn’t feel debilitated by it. Even if it “could have been avoided”. Even if it happened a long time ago. Even if no one knows. Your trauma is real and valid, and you deserve a space to talk about it. It isn’t desperate or pathetic or attention-seeking. It’s self-care. It’s inconceivably brave. And regardless of the magnitude of your struggle, you’re allowed to take care of yourself by processing and unloading some of the pain you carry. Your pain matters. Your experience matters, and your healing matters. Nothing and no one can take that away.” — Daniell Koepke

Give To Yourself

Give to yourself, your best friend should love you!

Okay, full disclosure here: I have an unhealthy attachment and find an insane amount of joy in random memes. A teen in my life tells me this is a sure sign that I’m a middle-aged mom. So be it. It delights me to surf the web for trite inspirational quotes, sarcastic jokes and other random silliness. Yesterday I came across one that sparked an entire conversation in my head. This meme, a quote from Harvey Specter (main character in the show Suits), read as follows:

“Ever loved someone so much you would do anything for them? Yeah, well, make that someone yourself and do whatever the hell you want.”

Yeah. That. That’s it – the key to happiness in one little meme.

Seriously. Think about it. How many days do you spend all day at work and all-night doing things for other people? If you’re a parent, that’s pretty much your life. Someone asked me recently what I do for me – to take care of myself. My answer, I’m somewhat ashamed to admit, was, “I sleep a few hours a night, I get calories of some sort in my body each day and I drink coffee.” Eek. Hard stop, people. If your answer to that question is anything like mine, it’s time to heed Harvey Spector’s memewords!

Think back to the last time you did something for yourself. Maybe it was a day at the spa or a decadent bubble bath. Or cramming the last piece of cake in your mouth when the kids weren’t looking. (What? Am I the only one?) How did you feel after that? Don’t say guilty. Think about your joy receptors – did you feel good? C’mon – some part of you was happy in that moment. And I bet you were a little nicer to your family or a little more compassionate toward your coworkers afterwards. If your self-indulgence was on a grand enough scale, it might have even spilled over into other things – made you more productive for a little while or gave you the pep in your step to go the extra mile with a project.

It’s like this: If you take care of you, you’re better at life and better for those around you. All too often we forget this little factoid.

Whenever I’m facing a tough decision, I have a friend who will ask me, “What would your best friend tell you to do?”. The underlying message being, my best friend wants me to be happy and wants what’s best for me. As a working mom, I’m usually too busy thinking about my son or my work to think about me. So I have to trick myself into doing it. Wrap your brain around that. I have to role play to figure out what will make me happy. (I’ll pause while you laugh.) But I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who can use this. That’s why I’m writing today.

Love yourself enough to make yourself happy. Be your own best friend. Block out time on your schedule to spend time with that friend doing what they want to do. I promise – the rest of it – your family, work, whatever – it will follow. And it will be better for having a happier you involved in it.

 

~Cassandra

When Mom Is Happy Everyone Is Happy

This post is really geared towards mom, but I suppose it could hit home for just about anyone. I want to talk about the importance of self-care and the feelings of guilt that come along with that care. How often do you do something for yourself…say go to the gym or get your hair or nails done, and then feel guilt for leaving your kids with a sitter, at daycare, or even with their other parent? If your answer to this is never, then please teach me your ways I beg of you!!

I’m currently sipping on a latte with color processing in my hair at my favorite salon, that I drive an hour to get to in Providence. I know you are probably thinking I am nuts, but I haven’t always driven to Providence. I’ve been seeing the same hair stylist for just over five years now and two years ago she headed to Providence to open her own salon so of course I followed her. I’m just trying to keep it real here…finding a stylist that just gets your hair is like finding a good babysitter!

Do I feel guilty for getting my hair done today? You bet your ass I do, but not just for leaving the girls but also for spending the money that I should be saving. I try to save as much as I can these days, going from two incomes to one is definitely an adjustment. Yes, there is child support so I’m one of the “lucky” single moms, but still an adjustment. I thought about cancelling my appointment on more than one occasion, but it had been booked for three months and it was honestly starting to become impossible to brush through my hair. See what I just did there?!? I made an excuse for myself to lessen that ever present guilt.

You must do things for yourself that make you feel good on the inside and on the outside. Maybe you want to hit the bag at the gym, get some eyelash extensions, or God forbid take a damn nap! You are entitled to do these things, enjoy these things while doing them and still be a good mom (or dad). Getting my hair done and going to the gym are things that I refuse to have to give up. They make me feel good about myself and when I feel good about myself I feel like I can take on the world. Let’s face it, sometimes being the parent of small children, you already feel like you are taking on the world. You might as well look good while doing it <3

 

Remember, hugs are always free!

xX Tamara xX

Where Did My Dreams Go?

Where did “I” go?…I started my life like most girls, with big dreams filled with what I wanted to accomplish.  Of course, my dreams included children – 2 or 3 – a career, a nice house, a husband… but it also included having fun.

I wanted a balanced life, where everything would fall into place and all the different areas of my life would complete each other. But, as I went along, I realized that “I” disappeared; me as an individual person just disappeared. “I” have been replaced by either the career woman or the mother. When I get introduced to new people, the main part of me that comes out is either being someone’s mother, where we talk about kids and everything about raising kids or my work and my career. Somewhere along the way “I” got lost.

Where did “I” disappear? Was it when I could focus on only one thing: providing for my children? Making sure they had everything they needed both on a financial and emotional level. Was it when I had to work 2 jobs to put food on the table? Or was it when I became more stable and focused on a career? Somewhere in all that,  “I” completely vanished.

No longer do ”I” think of anything not involving the kids. Even if I get a sitter, I find myself wondering if the kids are sad that I left them to go do something that does not involve them. “I” now has a companion called “guilt”. Is it a woman thing to always be thinking about our kids?

Being a mother always involves making sacrifices, but being both mom and dad is insanely demanding. I am so used to spending all my time outside of work with my kids that if for some miraculous reason I find myself alone in the house, I honestly don’t know what to do with myself. How did that happen? Why does the idea of spending an afternoon alone send me into a semi panic mode? Unable to even figure out what to eat!

Today, I am over forty, my oldest daughter is getting ready to go to college and I am here thinking how did I get here and what have I done with my life? I am proud that I managed all by myself to raise my daughter and to see her go onto her journey to becoming a successful independent woman, I am also terrified that she will see me  as someone who failed to have a life outside of being a mother.

As I ask myself: Where did my life go?  I also wonder about what I could have done differently/if I could have done things differently that would have provided some kind of balance in my life. And as I embark in the journey of raising my second daughter (that’s for another subject: having a baby at 40) I will need to take a deeper look at things.

Does being a single mother mean putting everything on hold? Always? Is the constant fear of not being able to take care of my kids causing me to let life pass me by?

Why do all my thoughts involve being a mother? How to become a free independent fun woman? My kids are my universe, that will never change, but I would like my mind to take a break from time to time and let “I” make a short apparition until we get reacquainted.

~Rosemonde

Single Moms Are Rock Stars

The other day I realized that single moms are rock stars, but not in the “we can do it” way that I usually mean this. Single moms live like rock stars, and we need to take care of ourselves like rock stars.

I was listening to a radio interview of a rock star when this came to me. Admittedly, this musician was not a guy from an ‘80s hard rock band. If so, the interview might have been about trashing hotel rooms. Instead, the singer was a 30ish woman who was a solo artist. She talked about how much she loved singing and writing songs and sharing them with her audience.

Then she shared how challenging touring was. She was in a different city every couple of days. Tour deadlines must be met, yet there were inevitable delays or lost luggage at just the wrong time. She stayed up late to perform, and often got up early the next morning to head to the airport. And no matter what happened, the show must go on.

Then she talked about how she loved her fans and how that made it totally worth it. And she shared how she did it. She explained that she would go to bed as early as she could when she was on tour. She would stay hydrated. She would bring her vitamins with her and do her best to eat healthy food. She would work out at the hotel gym. She would put in earplugs and read a book on the plane to have a little time to herself.

When she was describing this, it hit me. This is like being a single mom.

We are solo artists. We have a job (mothering) that we love, but it is not easy. It includes late nights often followed by early mornings. There are delays and sick kids and misplaced backpacks at just the wrong times. And no matter what happens, our show must go on.

So recognize that you are a rock star, and treat yourself like one:

● Get the sleep you need.

● Stay hydrated and eat healthy food.

● Exercise. It will help you to have the energy you need to perform.

● Create a little space (yes, just for yourself!) and read a book.

And if you think the rock star analogy is far fetched, just think about the rest of your band for a moment. A toddler can trash a living room as well as Guns N’ Roses ever trashed a hotel room. You and I both know it.

Rock on, Single Mom!

Liz Possible ​is a Writer and Single Mom Extraordinaire. She lives in Minnesota with her two teenage daughters and their cats, Beau and Phoebe. “Possible” is her attitude, not her legal name — but then you knew that. Follow Liz at her blog at www.lizpossible.com and her FaceBook page at https://www.facebook.com/MySingleMomLife/

Finding Time For Self Care

 

Finding time for self care is difficult. As single working mothers we can all reach that point of just one more thing going side ways and we will explode. It can be as small as spilling the last of the coffee or as big as our main mode of transportation breaking down on the way to work in the middle of winter.

The fact is as working mothers we carry a lot of expectations on our shoulders. Our own and societies. We are supposed to not only juggle the children with all their wants and needs and have a perfectly balanced “normal” family, Perfectly balanced with our jobs bills and other responsibilities all while looking like runway models! Top that with anyone who struggles with any chronic major health issues and its enough to make any person break.

We as mothers some times forget self care, or chalk it up to a want instead of the need it really is. Mental and physical self care keep us going through the ups and downs of the single parent life. Self care looks different to each person. One mom might find having a glass or two of wine while relaxing in the tub as self care while another might find going out to a noon showing at the movie theater  alone while the kids are at school as the the ultimate mental vacation from life.

I have met many moms that shrugged it off because of time.  There is many ways to fit in self care time. For instance if you cannot fathom taking a day or even a afternoon to your self try setting aside 10-30 minutes before bed. Pop in some relaxing music and soak in the tub or watch your favorite show.

If you have to literally schedule your personal time in, do it! No matter what your self care is, please remember yourself. You deserve it, and so does your little family. If your not operating at 100% how can you expect yourself to meet the demands of raising your family? You can’t.

Another form of self care is to evaluate the things that you find completely unbearable in your life but you still put yourself through due to some kind of obligation. Wether it be a job or an event you attend, making yourself miserable isn’t something you should entertain. Look at your options, if you can’t stand your job, what are your options to expanding avenues to employment? In life we are only limited to what we tell ourselves we are limited to. It’s ok to be temporarily stuck but there are always way to grow and work towards the life you want. With mindfulness, adequate self care and determination there isn’t a single thing we cannot accomplish.

 

-Always be unapologetically yourself

Ali