Tag Archives: sadness

My Sage

My sage….

This week has been hard for me. It has definitely improved. I am listening to a new song by my favorite band basking from the glow of their performance on Saturday Night Live.  Knowing in February my Valentine will be a new album.

I have happy ears. I treated myself to a homemade Vanilla Latte for good measure and am proud of myself for picking that skill up along the way over the last seven months.

But back to this. I keep a lot of my life private even from my daughter. She’s a smart cookie though and knows what’s up. She sees more than I give her credit for. Also, I wear my heart on my sleeve so she really sees things.

She has been opening up to me a lot lately about everything. So yesterday at lunch I asked her point blank what she thought about me dating.

When my daughter was little she made it very clear I was never to remarry or date. I think there are too many Disney movies with wicked step parents.

As she has gotten older her Dad has been very open about dating, and she has friends who have parents who are remarried and have blended families.

She looked at me and said I want you to be happy. But Mom I want someone good enough for you.

What?

I love Dad but he sleeps until noon. 

Oh honey, people can be different and still work.

I know Mom you deserve someone who appreciates you. 

You don’t think your Dad did?

Not like he should have.  Mom you get up with me. Get us going, go to work, come home, hang out. Do it over again. All day everyday.

Well …I do take naps.

Mom you know what I mean.

And you’re cute. Someone cute. 

Lol. Ok. 

She hugs me and heads for her room.

Stops and turns around.

Mom, you deserve someone who will make you happy. They shouldn’t make you sad. If they make you sad. They gotta go.

I smile.

My beautiful sage goes to her room and I hear playing video games with her friends.

Mommas, my heart is full and she taught me a lesson. A few. It’s ok to talk to her. Obviously some editing. She wants to talk to me. I am really excited she is talking to me.

Be safe

Much love Mommas 

💚Caprise

I Cried

I cried at work today.  I cried to my boss.  The overwhelm is just too much.  The burdens are too heavy.  The decisions are too many.  I don’t want to play life today.  I seriously want to hibernate.  I want people to leave me alone…. and the enemy, oh he can have a party on that dance floor next to me because this girl….she’s sitting at the bar and not getting up.   Not even for Chaka Khan.

I want to cry some more.  I really do.  It’s sometimes hard though….I have a hard time crying when there’s nobody to hold me and tell me it’s going to be okay.  Today, my single, solo life sucks.

I pick up the phone.  I call my son.  Then I call my bestie.  I am reminded that not only “This Too Shall Pass”,  but that every season comes to an end so another can begin.

“Thank You God,” I say.  Just as the seasons of nature change 4 times a year, so do the seasons in our lives.  There is a reason for the darkness, the hibernation, the dormancy of winter.  It is to prepare for what is next.  It is to make way for something new.  It is for seeds to blossom and animals to birth.

So, I let myself be sad.  I let myself sit in the darkness. I let myself be in this space of not knowing, not understanding, not liking the way that it is.

I don’t need a ‘FIX’ for it.  I don’t need a remedy.  I don’t need a pharma. I don’t.  I don’t need to remove the anxiety of the day.  It just is.  I am so glad I got on the phone for reassurance that this is temporary and I will find my footing, my hootspa, my gumption and I will wake up tomorrow with a new attitude.  Or not.  And it’s okay.

As much as I’d like sum-sum-summertime all year long….it cannot be.  We need winter.  I need winter.

I go to the couch with the blankets and a good movie and I let the anxious thoughts just be.

xoxo

Your God-girl

Tracy

I Don’t Know Where To Start

I don’t know where to start…I had a really hard time writing this blog this week.

Typically something happens , I share it and away we go.

Except some things are so heavy, they are things I struggle even to share with the people closest to me.

But sometimes a share is something someone else needs.  To know they are not alone.

So here it goes…

I have been struggling. I am a happy person about 80% of the time. 90% on a good week. I fight hard for it. I wasn’t always. A happy person. Another blog maybe.

However, over the last few weeks. The stress of work, my personal life, a health scare. I have been holding it together with duct tape and bubble gum.

I have done a good job of putting on a brave face but when I’m alone I’m at my worst. I’m quick to cry anyway- see my last blog. But this is different. Stopping is hard. Starting is way too easy.

While I don’t have the  Webster Dictionary definition of depression. I do have these moments. If I’m being honest, I’m embarrassed that I do. What in my life is so bad? Others have it worse. I should be able to handle it. At least that is the tape that plays in my head.

My therapist would not to be pleased, that even after a few years together that tape still plays in my head.

Depression.

Sadness

Anxiety

Those are words that while they are spoken more than they used to be. Still bring with them a certain amount of side eye.

“You don’t look depressed.”

“What do you have to worry about?”

The reality is we all are fighting.

Some of us just hide our battles.

I finally fessed up to mine when one of my nearest and dearest sent me a picture of the newest member of their family.

He is of the four legged variety and I’m excited to meet him.

My N&D asked me how I was.

I said I felt like a lightning bug in a jar.

She replied with “a damn beautiful lighting bug…”

Cue the waterworks

Even saying that was hard.

Telling one of my best friends I was hurting was hard.

Sharing with you all is scary.

Here’s the thing…even as someone who has a hard time believing it.

There is no shame in the struggle.

It is ok to need to ask for help.

It’s beyond alright to have a good cry in your car.

Please know I’m not making light of this but I am definitely trying to lighten the mood.

For me, for you.

I shared this, so you know Mommas we all have our moments.

Those moments don’t define you. Those moments don’t make you any less fantastic.

Those moments make you – you.

<3 Caprise

In Their Absence

I feel myself getting stronger in their absence.  Their voice, their laughter, those little things they did to make me smile…they’re gone.  BUT the way they touched my life, the love they put in my heart, and how they changed who I am in this world…..those will never ever go away.  They are part of who I am today.  And THAT is a beautiful thing.

Do not spend your time coddling the trauma of someone’s passing, for it will only create a stagnation of sorts, a halt of what is coming to you and almost bring about an uninvited complacency.  It will pull your joy from you and leave you feeling hopeless.

Instead, rise above the discomfort, reach beyond the trauma, give up the upsets.  And Be Who You Are Meant To Be.  Do not allow their death to stop you from living.

Ohhhh and if you let go of the anguished memories of the bond that keep you awake at night, if you release the darkness you seem to hold onto in spite of the pain and you move beyond the grief you still experience….you will NOT let go of the relationship.

Letting go of all that will only enhance your experience of love.  Although they are gone….you are still connected and you will always be in relationship with them…it just looks different.  There is comfort in that, isn’t there?  KNOWING that beyond what your mind can comprehend, beyond what your eyes can see, beyond the veil… your loved ones watch, protect and wait for you.

As you sit and reflect on those you’ve lost… may you remember the beauty, the love & the joy you shared and hold onto THAT.

Rise Up, Forgive, Reignite, Step Out, Embrace and LIVE LIFE in their absence.

So take yourself on.  Step outside the comfort of the sadness and find joy in it.  Find the joy that they brought to you and share it with others.

 

Your God Girl,

Tracy

Mean Girls 101

Mean girls sadly are nothing new and I feel like they are digging their claws in at younger and younger ages.

The other morning I am getting ready for work and I look at my bathroom mirror and notice a message:

“You are awesome

You are strong

Be you

Don’t let them get to you, be strong”

I winced and finished getting ready for work. I share a bathroom with my 11 year old daughter. I certainly didn’t write that on the bathroom mirror. Truth be told I can barely reach that high.

I made a mental note to talk to her about it.

G has been dealing with them for a few years now, but now that she is in middle school it seems much more hurtful. There’s intent to harm. I wish I didn’t understand but I have been dealing with mean girls since forever.

I could give you the examples but then I’m just continuing to give them power. At the end of the day that’s what this is ALWAYS about when someone hurts you.

Power.

On our weekly drive back from her Dad’s I asked my daughter what was going on.

There is a girl in her class who just simply doesn’t like her. She’s pretty sure all paths lead to a boy she likes. Geez, doesn’t it ALWAYS?! Not really, but man…

She said this girl always makes sassy comments towards her and in front of others and essentially bosses her around.

I asked her what she does in turn. Nothing she tells me. I just keep quiet or do it.

What I tell you all next may cause some of you to scold me.

I said “don’t do that.”

“What”

“Don’t do that G. What do you want to do?”

“I want to scream at her and call her names. Can I swear?”

“No and definitely don’t do any of that. She wins. She wants to be in charge.”

“Then what do I Mom?”

“This stuff she’s telling you not to do, are the teachers ok with what you’re doing?”

“Yes”

“Well, f#*# her then.”

“Mom!”

“The next time she says anything. Calmly look at her and say the teacher is fine with what I’m doing why aren’t you? Can you do that?”

“Yes.”

 

Flash forward to this morning and I notice on G’s wrist a heart with the words: live, laugh, love, be you.

“Baby, is that girl still being mean to you?”

“No.”

“G?”

“She gave me a hard time in class yesterday…”

“And?”

“And I asked her “didn’t she have a project to work on instead of bothering me.”

“How’d that feel?”

“Good.”

“So why the ink?”

“So when she’s picking on me I can remember…”

I know it’s hard for G to share. She hates worrying anyone. I made sure to remind her she doesn’t have to talk to me but it’s incredibly important she talk to someone. I told her I understand. I am dealing with mean girls even now. It feels not great and as easy as it is to get angry that is their fuel.

I didn’t tell her what I’m about to share with you. When I was younger I just let it hurt me. I took it. I lamented. I became small. I assumed it had to be me. Something about me triggered this response.

I had a fantastic mentor share with me when I was dealing with a particularly vicious workplace mean girl that they are that way to EVERYONE.

I’m not special. However, in that moment it feels so awful you don’t think that way.

So I took a step back. I watched said mean girl in meetings. Paid attention to how she wrote her emails.

Yup. It was her. I was not SPECIAL. Lol.

And to be honest that to this day makes me feel an incredible sense of pity for her. What in your world is so bad to make you lash out like that?

As I replay all my mean girl run ins that is the tape I try use as background music.

I’m not saying I’m over it.

I’m saying it doesn’t stil sting a bit.

What I am saying is I’ve taken the power back. Or at least I try to.

I still want to bubble wrap G and it pisses me off that she’s dealing with this.

But… here’s the thing, I love her to pieces and am going to remind her every minute how fantastic she is. I hope she can use that as her force field or at least as a mini reminder when claws come out.

 

Before I forget- you’re all pretty freakin fantastic  Mommas

<3 Caprise

Everything Happens For A Reason

Reason-Look for the Lesson.

I am a firm believer in the statement ‘everything happens for a reason’ and I look at every uncomfortable situation in my life and try to see what it wants to teach me.  Sometimes I see the lesson right away and sometimes I just have to trust that it’s there and that I will see it eventually.  I have learned some of my most valuable lessons from the people and situations that have distressed me the most.  When you are open to the possibility of being contributed to by every event in your life the unpleasant events seem to go by faster.

I have also learned that one of the best ways to diffuse an attack is to apologize for something right in the middle of it.  For instance, “I’m sorry that you feel I’ve insulted you”, or “I’m sorry that you think I hurt you on purpose”.  People attack you because they want attention or they are unhappy with themselves.  If someone attacks you in conversation and you do not respond or you apologize this will diffuse the situation.  A person can only fight with you if you let them.  You cannot argue with someone who refuses to be engaged by you.

I have been told that what we don’t like about other people represents something that we don’t like about ourselves.  If this is true the first action would be to forgive ourselves for all the things that we find unacceptable.  If we can forgive ourselves successfully then we can move ahead to start forgiving others.  Truly, truly everyone is going along doing the best that they can for who they are—maybe it’s time we stopped being so hard on ourselves and others.