Tag Archives: relationships

Don’t Let Your Anger Consume You

Don’t let your anger consume you. It’s ok to be angry-angry at our kids, our friends, our coworkers, our boss, the person in your life. Angry for the things that happen to us in our lives,angry how people have treated us.

How do you get past it and move on?  How do you not let it control all the other areas of your life?  How do you not let it consume you?

I experienced a situation with someone that I was very close to (or thought I was very close to) that caused me much anger.  I was sad and so disappointed in myself and that person.

I had suspected that there was mistrust in our relationship and I ended the relationship.  Yep, I  ended it because I suspected the mistrust.  In the end, I never got any of the answers that I needed or wanted. 

I like things out in the open,all on the same page with what is expected.  And I have a hard time when people can not be honest back.  I had communicated that to him, but unfortunately he could not reciprocate that same communication.  I believe now that I was probably just told what he thought I wanted to hear.I  wish this could have all been avoided if he would have communicated instead of it leading to distrust.  

 I was angry at myself for letting this person in my life,so angry for that. I was angry because I allowed myself to put up blinders and I am still angry with myself for not following my gut or reading the signs.   I know everything that I probably believe is not all true, but I do know there was mistrust and dishonesty.  In the end, he obviously had very little respect for me.  

When It happened, I wanted to lash out…I did not understand.  I was so disappointed in myself.  How could I let this person in my life? How could I stand by this person for months?  How could I give him support when he needed it?

I was probably more angry with myself than with him.  I had to realize that as much as I wanted some answers on what was the truth, I was not going to get them.

I could try and piece it together in my head, but in the end It did not really matter.  I could spend months or endless days being angry but It was not going to change anything.   It happened and now I had to get past the anger I was feeling.

I have not had a lot of mistrust in my life.  I did not have mistrust growing up or in my past marriage, so this was new.  This was a new experience for me and I had to learn how to get past it.  I have been mad at people and experienced anger before, but not with mistrust involved.   

I knew if I did not get past it, It would take over other areas of my life. I would be stressed at my kids when I didn’t need to be.I would be short or annoyed with things that normally didn’t bother me.  I would just snap for no reason at all.  I would just be so mad and I had to let it go. 

I had to stop replaying everything and beating myself up.  Things happen in our lives, that make us so angry and it’s how we respond that gets us through it.  I feel I learn to let more and more go as I move through life,  I knew if I wanted to be happy again I had to just let this go. 

Let go of the hurt and disappointment… Not let it consume me.  

As I was pushing through this all,  I realized that it was ok for me to be angry at times. It was totally fine for me to have a rant to my friends every week about what I really thought and they would respond with all their juvenile name calling to make me feel better. 

I knew I had to get through the anger first before I could get through other areas affected by this… I had to get through this before I could trust or let people in again.  It was like the first layer that I had to peel through and then work on the rest.

-Snarky

 

www.snarkydivorcedgal.com

How’s It Going To Be?

How’s it going to be?

It’s Sunday and the time change has officially happened. I am officially not a fan. I have a third cup of not very warm coffee nearby and Third Eye Blind in my ears.

This week is officially one year. The world shut down. I’m starting to see posts on friends’ social media remembering. For me I quit a job, I honestly was on the verge of losing after fifteen years. I had just started again financially. My daughter was almost a teenager. I was starting to finally let someone in.

Then the world stopped.

Now a year later we are slowly opening back up. I have been back to work since August. So the awkwardness of being social, I got out of the way months ago.But I have worries.

Let’s start with the outlandish ones. It’s perhaps completely silly, but it’s something I’ve thought about a lot. In the last year there are people in my life I have stood by everyday. Called. Texted. Made sure they are loved and supported. Now that they can venture out…will they still need me? I know. I know.

But I mean they’ve been stuck with me for a year. So …

Then there’s the more serious worry. My daughter. Finally going back to school.I know she’s excited to see her friends but will she be safe? She will be a freshman who has never been in that building but then I think umm…that’s all the kids so…ok. Settle down there.

Her relationship with her Dad. He’s always been a bit flighty in seeing her but during this last year he REALLY leaned into that.Are they going to be ok?

I guess that is where I do my thing and support her as I have been.I don’t know how it’s gonna be, but this is what I do know.I continue to be thankful for the littlest of things. I really do have the most amazing kid. Seriously I hate how I got here, but for the most part I appreciate that I got to know people in my life in a different way.

So a year later there’s that and I’ll take it.

Be safe

Much love Mommas

💚Caprise

Dang Girl, You Are Beautiful!

Dang girl, you are beautiful!….

It’s a wonderful thing to have a manfriend, boyfriend, fiancé, husband who thinks you are the most beautiful woman that ever lived!  Right!?  And even better when he tells you…Often.  But remember girl…. He is NOT your barometer.  It is NOT his job to make you feel beautiful.  And do NOT make it his job.  He’s the icing in your life, not the cake.

Finding and proclaiming your beauty is an inside job!!  Yup…that’s what I said.  An inside job!  It’s for you to do.  It’s for you to claim, to affirm, to wear like a leather glove that offers warm goosebumps to the flesh on an icy morning.

It’s also not your mother’s job or your father’s job, or your ….fill-in-the-blank’s….. job.

You are to find your beauty,  You are to own your beauty.  You are to claim your beauty.

Don’t you know that if you’re not feeling it in your own heart, on your own, by yourself, it doesn’t matter how many times he says it, how much he means it or how earnestly he professes it.  It might impact you for a minute or an hour or even a week… but as soon as someone else comes along and says something not so affirming, or insults something about you, down the rabbit hole you go.  You see if you make him your barometer and you need him to make you feel beautiful…then when it fades or he doesn’t say it, what do you have?

It’s up to you to say “Dang Girl” every time you look in the mirror.  No matter what you’re wearing, what time of day it is, how tired or hangry you are.  None of that will change how you feel when You see YOU!  Because you are beautiful through and through.   

Lean in.  Look deep.  Release the doubt.  Your Beauty is YOURS.

Now go look in the mirror and give a shout out to your beautiful self.  Let the whole world hear you shout to the rooftops… “Dang Girl, YOU ARE beautiful.”

 

xoxo,

Your God-girl

Tracy

 

 

 

Just A Wedge

Just a bite…wedge of cheese please

The enemy knows just how to put a wedge between us and those we love. Of emotional separation. A hard wedge, a smelly wedge, a wedge of discomfort, upset, or plain ole ridiculousness. The opponent knows exactly how to attack us, putting jealous thoughts, unworthy ideas and a who-gives-a-flippity-flip attitude to the fore front. The story seemed to be going in the nice direction, but now there seems to be a wedge.

Have you ever allowed your ego to get in the way, to have something to say, and find yourself making time to listen? As I fill my mind and heart with God’s ever powerful grace & mercies…The closer I get to His Truth of me…. the more I am aware and ready. Vigilant at best. Now that I understand My Truth, I can see, hear and taste the lies of the enemy. What about you?

There are days when I tell the enemy to hit the road. “NOT Today!” I have no room for the lies AND there are days when it comes out of left field. I’m doing something and the next thing I know, I don’t even see it coming, and I’m down. Smacking me upside the head. It takes me a little bit to get back on track. but back on track I go.

It is the ego that gets hurt as a result of the wedge that shows up in our closest relationships. The mind starts babbling….they didn’t say it, do it or act like…the way I hoped, expected, wished they would. That’s how the enemy gets in there and makes a mess of things. The ego creates all kinds of scenarios that will ruin what was once beautiful. The ego is very SELF focused. Yelling “What About Me?”, all day long.

Watch out for those times when you listen to what separate you rather than what brings you closer. Keep your mind sharp, always paying attention to the small pieces that can easily build a wedge where it does not belong.

Xoxo
Your God girl
Tracy

Brick By Brick

I’m not sure if it happens consciously or subconsciously, but our hurts can cause us to lay brick by brick till we have a wall around our heart.  One minute there’s a few and the next thing we know, there’s a few dozen.

Bricks of anger, upset & regret.

Bricks of jealousy, envy & unruliness.

Bricks of stuffing, ignoring & belittling.

Bricks of drama, discord & accusations.

Bricks of chaos, judgment & unforgiveness.

You get the idea.  Before you know it you need a step ladder to continue laying the brick. The mortar sets and the wall becomes a great barrier from any more hurts.  Or is it?  Do you feel secure in your world, walled off with The Self?  Walled up with your speculations & assumptions of what might happen if you trust, believe or hope again?  Walled up from any more hurt that just might work it’s way into your space, into your veins, into your heart?

Close your eyes and imagine the hurt you feel and know that if the hurt can’t penetrate through the brick wall, neither can the love.  

To have love in our lives, we have to be open & receptive.  Willing to risk.  THAT is where love can grow.  Love grows in the soil of vulnerability. It grows in the assurance & certainty of how your life choices just might go extremely well.  

Is today the day to get out the chisel?   To begin removing, brick by brick, as you learn how to protect your heart without making the wall higher, without walling yourself from the outside world.  Learn to teach your heart, to listen to the prompts that feel yucky and learn to understand why they shut you down and how you can work through them to a place of self love, self respect, self care.

xoxo

Your God girl

Tracy

Don’t Let This Be My Story

Don’ let this be my story….It is early this week while I write this. No beverage, no music. But lots of thoughts banging around in my head.

My daughter finally visited with her Dad. She hasn’t said much and I don’t want to push.

This is a slippery slope this Single Mama thing. I realize I’m preaching to the proverbial choir. But there are days I want to come home, look at someone and just have them hug me alright.

I’m a pretty independent person and have been wading these waters solo even when I wasn’t solo but I’m going to be honest. I don’t always want it to be like this. I’ve dipped my toe back into dating again as you all know it’s a roller coaster.

I have a person but the world right now has put roadblocks in our way.

As a person who thrives on end goals,it’s hard for me to feel like I don’t have one.

On the flip side we joke every story we will  tell our grandchildren will be something related to the pandemic.

But there are days I worry we won’t make it. I come with that infamous suitcase I try to hide under my bed.

The suitcase will slide out and suddenly I start believing I’m unlovable. I’m not worthy. I’m all the things the ghosts of my past made me believe, which makes me start looking for cracks that don’t exist.

Shut down.

Go radio silent.

It would be easy to start sticking labels on me. First … yes I go to therapy. Lol. Please for all that is holy do not call me broken. Chipped. Sure. Cautious. Oh my goodness yes. 

Guarded.

Absolutely.

Last but not least I don’t want this to be my story. I think the fact that I don’t want it. Means there is hope.

At least the perpetual optimist in me believes so.

Hope is huge. Hope, caffeine and my daughter are what get me through a lot of days.

My hope for you that you have hope and things to keep you bright and going when your story doesn’t feel like it’s going to end the way you want.

 

 Much love and be safe Mommas

<3 Caprise

I Need A Reality Check

I need a reality check…

As I write this as I do every week I am listening to music this week it’s NEEDTOBREATHE “Banks.”

One of the lyrics is “baby  you don’t have to do it by yourself. Want be there when darkness closes in to make the truth a little clearer.”

While I am an incredibly independent person. I keep quite a bit of my life private.

I have moments.

Especially right now in the midst of all of this. I gesture broadly. I begin to wonder as I watch the tenth  romcom on Netflix and  say I don’t want it, but really I do. If I ever will. Have it. That elusive kinda all or nothing relationship and maybe that’s a deep dive for another time.

I have moments where  I feel less than. Where the littlest thing feels like the biggest thing. Where I absolutely can not see that light at the end of the tunnel. Where I second guess everything.

Then the guilt comes. I have so much. More than a lot of other people especially right now.

But in this I have gotten to live in my head a little.

Ok, a lot.

I need a reality check.

There are so many things I wish I could take back. There are so many things I wish I could say. There are so many things I wish I had done.

I am heading into my fifth month of essentially wearing outfits that can be work or nighttime wear as I rarely leave the house.  I really can’t stand seeing my face on ZOOM anymore.

I started out with a pixie and now have graduated to a shaggy bob.

I’m really not sure if I will be able to wear shoes or jeans again.

Meanwhile, I am doing that thing you/ I should never do. I’m comparing myself to these women who are baking the banana bread, teaching their children French and look immaculate everyday.

I might be exaggerating a little.

We’ve been put in this fishbowl and now things I normally don’t see or wouldn’t see or don’t care about.

There they are.

In my face.  All the time.

But then out of nowhere while I am writing this very blog, having a gigantic pity party.

My taller than, me thirteen year old asks if she can have a cuddle.

She gets a pillow and puts it in my lap. She gets quiet. I ask her what’s wrong.

She gestures at the air.

“This.”

I hug her.

Suddenly I really don’t care that I have been living in t-shirts. I can’t imagine how she is feeling. Her school year ended abruptly. She couldn’t celebrate becoming a teenager with a big party like we had hoped. She sees her friends sporadically and when they do see each other it’s six feet apart with masks because we are in the part of the country where cases are spiking. Her new school year will be virtual. She won’t get to play the only sport she loves.

She has only seen her Dad once.

And in all of this you know what SHE did? She took my phone and put daily reminders telling I’m beautiful. I’m loved. She put post it’s on the mirrors with positive sayings.

She always says I love you. I get all the hugs I can handle.

Even during all of THIS.

THIS is something I continue to struggle to put words to. But I’m incredibly thankful for the amazing human that keeps it real for me.

My reality check.

No more pity parties. I am not less than I am someone’s Mom and that is definitely more than enough.

Much love Mommas

Be safe

<3 Caprise

Time For A Change

Time for A Change.

If you did not catch my FB Live this past Sunday morning (7-5-20) then I suggest that you go and watch it or listen to the podcast recording of it.  It will give more power and meaning to this blog post—judging by the response the video is getting over the last several hours I would say that my topic choice hit home for a lot of you.

Let us start by defining “toxic”…

Toxic is defined as – very bad, unpleasant, or harmful.

There comes a time in our lives when we need to start looking around and acknowledging what is stealing our aliveness— most of us are so busy and so bogged down that we don’t even look around to see why we have less energy, why we are eating too much, why we aren’t taking care of ourselves—we just think “oh that’s just my life” or “that’s how it has to be”— I am calling BULLSHIT on all of those excuses.  The truth is if you are anything like me you have said yes far too many times when you really wanted to say NO or you have done something when you didn’t want to because you did not want to deal with what came from not doing it.

We go along to get along A LOT of the time and we think that we are doing ourselves a favor by causing less headaches in the moment—however at close to 52 and after running many businesses and raising a kid for 19 years all on my own, I can honestly tell you that I am not sure we are doing ourselves a favor by not standing up and speaking our own truth even if people don’t like it or want to hear it.

Every time that we shrink ourselves to suit someone else, we DULL our own edges and then before you know it we turn around and we have become some shadowy version of who we were.  When we do that, we don’t like ourselves much because a part of us knows that we are saying yes to avoid conflict or going along just to keep the peace etc.

Yes, there are times we when we will have to do things we don’t want to do and times that we will have to suck it up—I get that.  What I am mostly speaking about here and on the live this morning is how doing this can become a daily habit instead of just a “sometimes” occurrence.  The pain that we think we are saving ourselves from in the moment actually is nothing compared to the suffering that we cause ourselves by not speaking our truth and drawing lines in the sand when things are not acceptable to us.

I don’t believe in regrets—however I do believe that there are things that I could have done better so far in my almost 52 years and one of the biggies is that I could have made clear boundaries instead of trying to keep everybody happy at the expense of my own self-worth.  I am much better with it now; however, it is an active project for me—making sure that I am saying what really works for me and what doesn’t.

The biggest place that this one catches us is with toxic family situations or toxic relationships—often in these situations it can cause so much temporary drama to speak our truth and stand up for ourselves…

The cost though for not doing it is your energy, your joy, your ‘aliveness’—I am asking you this week to start looking into your life to see what is unacceptable, what isn’t ok with you, what you have been putting up with to keep the peace.  The first step is to bring it to consciousness and then start thinking about what needs to be done to shift it.  It will not happen overnight, and it will be a process—however you cannot wait one more minute to start saying what is really so for you.

It is time that you mattered to you—it’s time to see what is not working and it is time to do something about that—go watch the FB live.  See you Sunday for Coffee Chat.

 

XO, N.

My Divorce Is Final…Now What?

At the time my divorce was final, I was still living with my ex, which I do not recommend to anybody, but financially we just couldn’t support two households. Life went on this way for about 4 months post divorce. Finally I was able to buy a house of my own. We sat down with our 3 daughters and explained to them THIS IS IT! Mommy and daddy would not be living together any longer. They seemed to be okay with the news. 

I was about to turn 40. The first weekend I had to myself was like a scene from a movie. When my ex pulled out of the driveway with our girls for the first time it was his weekend, I screamed out loud with sheer joy. I had already made a playlist with my favorite break up songs, but not the depressing ones, the liberating ones like “I Will Survive” and “All the Single Ladies.” I danced around my kitchen and made myself a gourmet meal complete with a bottle of wine. 

The following day I slept in, got up and pulled my hair into a ponytail. I looked at myself in the mirror and realized I could do whatever the hell I wanted for the next two days. I watched Chick Flicks, Netflix, period dramas, cooking shows, you name it. Most of my divorced girlfriends had immediately gotten involved in other relationships, most that had started before their divorces were final. Not me, I didn’t need a man! I’d read every self help book I could find. I was going to work on myself, love myself (insert eye roll). I knew I needed to be alone and figure out how I’d contributed to the demise of my 12 year marriage………….until the loneliness set in. 

Loneliness can make a woman do stupid things, as I was about to find out. 

Karen

My Friend Bill

I would like to tell you about my friend Bill. You may know him. He’s made a few movies. Big sports buff. Very quirky and he got his start on one of my favorite television shows.

When things in my life were feeling their lowest I started looking for positive outlets.

Me being me I needed them. It couldn’t be a glass of wine that would easily turn into a bottle. It couldn’t be a beautiful pastry my sweet tooth doesn’t ever seem to know when to stop.

It couldn’t be a trip to Target because it would mean a cart full of things I have no budget for.

It couldn’t be a night out because it can’t.

So…

I listen to music.

I read.

Watch movies, but I will be honest I am also easily distracted. 

I began digging deeper.

Looking for those things that would fill the gaps but wouldn’t lend themselves to my somewhat self destructive old habits.

Dear friends, I’ve sugar coated them. My bad habits.

Maybe a blog for another day.

Around this same time I watched the Razor’s Edge and Stripes. Two decidedly different movies from Bill Murray.

I mentioned to a friend how amazing I thought Bill Murray was. He suggested I read The Tao of Bill Murray.

My new friendship was born. Bill just doesn’t know it.

I also started digging into some amazing quotes from his.

As silly as it sounds these quotes have me some perspective I needed.

Here’s one:

“Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and make bad decisions.”

Welp… lol, yes.

But this one, this is the stuff.

“Don’t think about your errors or failures, otherwise you’ll never do a thing.”

That is exactly what started happening. I got so bogged down by all of the things that went wrong, I either didn’t do anything or did WAY too much.

I always looked for the other ball to drop. The bad.

I keep saying this but not only is 48 my year of no filter it’s also the year I work hard at happy. The year maybe I can give that happy to other people too.  As it has been to me in so many ways. One in particular a picture of one of my Chewbaccas with the man himself. It’s my screensaver and it makes me smile.

There are still going to be bad days, but to paraphrase my friend Bill… maybe it will be a day that a slice of pizza and cold beer can make feel better.

Much love Mommas

<3 Caprise