Tag Archives: relationships

You Have a Friend In Me

As I rapidly approach my 50th year I am watching my circle of close friends shrink and my circle of acquaintances grow.

I think there’s a couple things at play here. First and foremost the internet good, bad, or otherwise has made it possible for you to “connect” with people you’ve never met.

It also I think makes you feel like the effort that comes with a friendship doesn’t necessarily have to be nurtured. I checked on you on Facebook… we’re good..

Are we?

Before I get too into this, know I am not a friendship nurturer. I’m horrible at it. I suck. SUCK. It’s not that I don’t love and adore my friends I do. I really do. I have some fantastic people in my life…but…

I work in a job where I have to be “on” all day, I have an eleven year old, a side gig… I am the person who needs to recharge. Me declining an invite doesn’t mean I don’t care, I just might need to shut my head off. Thankfully, I’ve gotten much better at telling my friends this. Also, my time with my daughter comes first. Lastly and probably the things that have held me back … being with a group of friends and being completely decimated by a mutual friend. Over a decision that was pretty personal to me at the time. Or having another friend in the heat of my divorce tell me to get over it. Being made to feel like my problems were small by another. This may seem petty but when you’re in it with people you trust you make a decision. Maybe the wrong one. You start keeping yourself so busy you’re not a burden. You don’t share. You hide.

Lucky for me, my current small circle doesn’t give me that pass and will call me out or even on occasion just show up on my doorstep telling me to get dressed we’re going out.

Over the course of the few days they’ve needed me and as the resident insomniac of the group I’m usually up. I also don’t shut my phone off. I know.

I guess where I am going with all of this is you need people, and that is ok. One of my circle remarked friends shouldn’t make you cry unless you’re laughing.

Another has told me I need to live.

A third likes to send me pictures of a certain actor I like.

One gives great Mom advice. I have one who makes me laugh like crazy.

One who always calls me. One who always texts me. One who always teases me. One who loves makeup as much as I do.

Find your circle. Friends really are the family you choose and I’m incredibly disappointed in myself I let the actions of others miss out on some precious time with the circle above.

I am not making that mistake anymore. So I steal moments. One of my closest friends I’ve known since I was 13. It sounds dorky but I call her every morning. My soul sister who has the same birthday as me I make sure to send a message to,just so she knows I’m thinking of her even though I know she’s crazy busy.

Having her message me back “dang I miss you made me cry.”

I send stupid memes to my radio boos.

Lastly and this is a biggie from this guarded girl I told my best friend that he is my best friend.

Because he is.

So how about this… as always, I will be here for you but let’s make sure we let our circle know on the regular what they mean to us.

I’ll start…

I got you Mamas and I appreciate you so much.

<3 Caprise

Say What You Need To Say

Noelle’s blog “Never See You Again” provoked me to share. The other day I went to a wake for a very, very sweet and wonderful close girlfriend who took her life. My heart was broken. The tears fell and fell and fell. Yes… a lot of them were for me, because shit…I miss her!!! But other tears were for the memories it provoked of when a boyfriend took his life a few years ago but most of my tears were for her triplets and sisters who are left behind… without her to talk to, to laugh with, to spend time with. I will miss our coffee dates and deep conversations.

One day I’m talking to her and then *BOOM* like a flash of lightning…she’s gone. Life is going this way and then *SNAP* it takes a sharp turn. Dang I wish I had said more to her. I mean, I know that she knows I love her, but I wish I said that more, saw her more, laughed with her more. There are some people…. That every time I talk to them on the phone I end it with “I love you” and others because our conversations are via texting, I end with XOXO. I’ll be adding those to more phone calls & texts for sure.

My girlfriends’ death got me thinking…. What other things need to be said, accomplished, planned, shared …or simply lived out? It pushed me to write a letter to my son telling him in a few paragraphs about the administrative BS he’ll be dealing with when I’m gone and a lot of paragraphs about our relationship, what he means to me, how proud I am of him and the ways he touched my life.

Life is soooo precious. Stop. Today. Take a moment to acknowledge the people in your life. Especially you. AND…. do, plan, share, give, be and LIVE full out. Now. Today. Say what you gotta say!

Before you’re the one who someone loses.

Your God-Girl,. 
xoxo Tracy  

In Case I Never See You Again…

In Case I Never See You Again…

How many of us conduct our relationships based on the phrase above?  I would guess very few.  We think there is plenty of time and plenty of opportunity to fix whatever isn’t working… in a relationship, in a job, with a parent, in a living situation…and so we say things to ourselves like “I will make concessions and settle for less than excellence today because I can do something about it tomorrow”, “I will stay here with him or her today because it is comfortable and easier and less confrontational and later I will experience real intimacy and real joy”, “I will hold onto my animosity and anger for you today because later on I will tell you how I really feel and we will make things right”, “I will withhold my heart from you today because you might hurt me and so I will not share my deepest love with you right now because I will do it later on when it seems safer”…and on and on and on……

Imagine with me for a moment that there was only today…what would not be acceptable to you then?  If there was only today would you waste one, single second withholding yourself, putting things off, accepting unacceptable behavior or putting up with no results???    Would you???

 Or would you throw caution to the wind and change some things…would you forgive people, would you repair relationships, would you get rid of things that didn’t work, would you take chances, would you STOP caring what other people think, would you love like your life depended on it???

Do you know that death is unbearable only when you have unfinished business with the people that died…do you understand that living also becomes unbearable when there is loads of unfinished business and a plethora of words unspoken?

In case I never see you again, what must I say to you right now in this moment to be complete?   What a different life we would have if we were complete in every moment…how that would change us…

Most of us are saving stuff for the right moment…the right moment is now…the world is an interesting place these days….funky people are doing crazy things and that requires some of us to remind others of us to stop waiting for the “right” moment—live your life RIGHT NOW…stop putting up with people and things that don’t work, stop withholding yourself from other people, stop killing your vitality and joy with undelivered communications and unexpressed anger…you think that nobody notices because you are being “nice” instead of being REAL…authenticity is what gives life and sometimes being authentic is very unattractive, however it is real and it is true and it is life altering…

Do you remember the Velveteen Rabbit…only when he was a mess and all his fur was gone and his stuffing was coming out, only then did he become “REAL”…

Real life and real love are messy folks…you have to roll up your sleeves and delve in…authentic is getting all the way in and being real all the way through…sometimes it feels great and sometimes not so great, but all the way along you feel alive…you have to get in there and mix it up—stop looking in from the sidelines waiting for the right moment to live.

It’s like the difference between mixing meatballs with a spoon because you don’t want to get “ all messy” and mixing meatballs with your hands…sleeves rolled up, rings off and you just dig into the bowl and mix it and then you shape the meatballs with your hands…

Careful, brittle people mix things with spoons, they shape meatballs with spoons…they don’t want to get dirty or sticky or messy and those people’s meatballs have dry spots and they don’t taste good because they carry the flavor of a person with an inability to fully experience life…NEWS FLASH : real life is messy, it’s fun, it’s heartbreaking, you can get dirty and broken and you can also experience true, profound JOY…

Live your life folks, mix things with your hands, get in there and roll up your sleeves…another holiday is coming, another year…will you be joyful this Christmas?  Will you be complete in every moment with the people that you love and even those you don’t?  Will you ask yourself what would I say now to this person in case I never see them again?

You would be such a gift this holiday season if you lived like that…instead of being stressed and pissed and harried, what if you were gracious and grateful and complete?  What a gift you would be to yourself…undelivered communications are what make us sick and tired and unparticipatory…

YOU be the GIFT this Christmas Season and love people like your life depended on it because it does…

I love you guys…go out there and LIVE OUT LOUD.

-Noelle

 

The Fixer Of Broken Boys Part 13: He’s Back

In the midst of all this chaos I get a phone call that brought the guitar player back into my life.

All the way from California… our story wasn’t over.

Sometimes even though you know you shouldn’t you let people back in. You do. The guitar player was hard not to the close door on.

Have you ever had such crazy chemistry with someone that even the sound of their voice effects you?

I used to love getting his voicemail because I could hear his voice. His voice. His smile. His hugs. So much…too much. Not enough…

I had just moved my little daughter and I into a condo we couldn’t afford when I got an email:” it’s me I miss you. Tell me something only we would know so we know it’s each other.”

I did and then we were texting.

Then talking.

All the time, for hours.

I was torn. I was technically still married but husband refused to divorce me,this man lived halfway across the country … what was happening.

Along the way my husband drafted a contract – still no legal divorce. In it we were allowed to date even though we weren’t divorced. I would find out later it was because he had been dating a woman he met on his volleyball league well before I had moved out. Prior to that another woman was pursued but didn’t count because she wasn’t interested.

Yet he wouldn’t divorce me.

So when after almost 15 years and several states between us- the guitar player said he wanted to see me. I said yes.

I shook the whole time.

Men have an unfair advantage, sometimes with aging some get more handsome. Yup

We were together on and off for six years.

At first it felt like there was a real chance, but then all the things that stopped us the first time started bubbling to the surface. Except this time I had a child.

Who he never tried to meet.

I started volunteering at a radio station which took time away from him.

The TV show I hosted I did to meet men, or so he thought.

I was called names.

I never met his family.

I paid for everything.

Through the volunteering and job promotions I started getting myself back. I wanted to build a life with him, but every time it came up there was a reason to wait.

The tipping point… being in his bedroom while his nephew delivered a couch and him letting them joke about the women he could have on the couch.

I WAS IN THE BEDROOM (!)

The final straw was a weekend I was supposed to see him my daughter was sick so I couldn’t, he got mad and said I used her as an excuse and put her first.

I was furious.

I added up all the miles and money and hours and broke up with him.

It was a slow break.

I still hold guilt.

I glossed through a lot, but he moved cross country to be with me. He powered through a disease that makes it impossible for him to be in social situations and I was just going to leave him?

Yes

Because you can’t stay with someone out of guilt

You can’t stay to try and fix past sins

Someone shouldn’t use those things to make you.

Also, it wasn’t just about me anymore.

I was now the Mom of a daughter and I needed to show her what it looked like to have someone in your life who would go to Target with you even if they’d rather be at Home Depot.

~~Caprise

Single Mom of the amazing Dbl G
Teacher
Sometime DJ
T-shirt collector
Henry Rollins Middle Aged Punk Prom Date

The Fixer of Broken Boys Part 11: The One That Should Have Never Been

The One That Should Have Never Been….

Full disclosure this is going to be hard for me to write. I started crying just thinking about writing this chapter.

I made another cup of coffee put on some John Mayer and am snuggled under some blankets…

I need to write this.  It’s important because good, bad or otherwise it shaped me.

If you’re in my life maybe after reading this you’ll understand why I can shamelessly share random facts about myself but giving anyone my heart is almost impossible.

“The woman with the highest walls have the deepest love.”

When I met him I was dating the sweetest man named Ben. He was a bit younger, rode a motorcycle and would pop up with unexpected presents… but I couldn’t get past the fact he was younger than me.

So incredibly stupid some of the rules you make for yourself when you’re dating.

I definitely should never write a dating advice book.

I was DJing at a bar and he was staying nearby for business. Instant chemistry. He was completely different than anyone I dated. Had a good job, close with his family, he had this way. Green eyes, dark hair, freckles and an accent to this day I can’t place. And I don’t want to.

I’m grateful I will never hear that voice again.

It did enough damage.

It was a whirlwind to say the least. I think we were living together after two weeks.

The minute he moved in red flags started flying. He always had a slick recovery. Fantastic used car salesmen. Most criminal psychopaths are.

I kept the secrets and concerns to myself, because I was the idiot friend who when they hear stories of acquaintances in horrible relationships yelled the loudest I would never put up with that.

It’s amazing what you’ll put up with when you’re in it and are led to believe it’s your fault.

I did try to tell a few people but it never came out. When I did share years later it felt like a blip that I should of kept to myself.

Pro tip if someone is suddenly jobless after they meet you… run.

If you never meet their family… better be a stunning reason as to why.

I am being a bit light hearted but it’s decades later and the shame I carry at letting someone like him in my life weighs me down.

He stole from me

He cheated on me

He used our apartment to run a business that is not legal in our state

There’s more…but I can’t. It’s done and I’m not crying so let’s keep going.

I know the neighbors knew but it wasn’t until the day I kicked him out that my next door neighbor came and sat with me until the cops showed up. He just kept apologizing while he held my hand.

I can’t give the One that Shouldn’t Have Been much more because he doesn’t deserve it. He did a ton of damage.

And to be blunt somethings are better left unsaid.

What I know is I got out. I made it.

I am not a victim, I’m not a survivor I’m just a lady who had enough.

The tipping point wasn’t all the horrible things he did to me but the threat he made one night after a terrible fight. He threatened to let my new kitten out, which he had done once and had resulted in her being temporarily blind.  I wouldn’t protect myself but… you get it.

Also,while I’ve had one cat since I’m a dog person…

But yes I’m incredibly guarded. I don’t trust very many people.

I’m a happy person with a heavy soul…sometimes it gets weird. *quote

Yup it does.

This relationship gifted me with a restraining order, a depleted record collection, horrible credit, and the promise to date “nice” guys.

I took a breather. I set some very strong boundaries. Then I met the nice guy but kinda like it seems to go… meh. Not really that nice…

~~Caprise

Single Mom of the amazing Dbl G
Teacher
Sometime DJ
T-shirt collector
Henry Rollins Middle Aged Punk Prom Date

The Fixer of Broken Boys Part 10: The Guitar Player

The Guitar Player…

After college I dated but no one stuck. I will be honest I was why. I might have still been hung up on Captain of Sport I don’t understand. AlsoI was picky. Silly picky. Maybe unfair picky. I also had a bad habit of stacking the men I was dating. I’m not proud of it but it was not uncommon for me to break up with someone and have someone waiting in the wings.

I was young – I had some pretty set rules to date me. Contrary to popular belief I was a pretty tame dater. Which was not a deterrent.

The guitar player almost wasn’t. I originally was set up with the lead singer of his band who forgot to tell me he had a live in girlfriend. The exact quote “maybe that’s his sister, nope you shouldn’t kiss your sister like that.”

Lead singer is now a famous movie director- you have definitely seen his movies. I stand by my choice.

The night that all went down the guitar player who had never talked to me asked me to hang out with him after their show.

“I just want to know you.”

He had this incredible voice. I have a thing about voices. His is one of my favorites. He also has this smile not smile he does. There are so many things.  Some are too precious to share. Sorry not sorry.

No one had never said that to me. That they want to know me. He meant it. I was shyly grilled for several hours. He was older and I would find out later he and the lead singer played a game of Horse to determine if he could ask me out.

Aww romance.

We would date on and off for two very rough years.

Not because he was a bad guy. But I was not ready for what he brought to the table. I was 22 and trying to find my place in the world dating an incredibly handsome, incredibly talented older man dealing with crippling anxiety.

At that time there was no name for it.

Therapy was limited and the solution was lots of medication.

Our relationship became one where I felt I did all the work. 80% I did. Financially I pulled the weight. Emotionally I pulled the weight. At least it felt that way.

We loved each other.

I still love him. But when you struggle with your own self worth and want what everyone else has it’s hard to hold together a relationship with someone who is t healthy enough to be what you need.

When he could though… and if he had god damn I would have married that man.

But he couldn’t and didn’t.

We gave up.

I gave up.

My heart very broken. Still is  now.

The guitar player will be back- but unfortunately I spend the worst year of my life with the one that should have never been.

~~Caprise
Single Mom of the amazing Dbl G
Teacher
Sometime DJ
T-shirt collector
Henry Rollins Middle Aged Punk Prom Date

The Fixer of Broken Boys Part 9: Big Leagues

If you have been following along I’m not exactly a confident person. I haven’t let on to what I look like. Then or now. It’s a hard thing. Describing yourself. Especially when  you’ve been conditioned that speaking to your looks is conceited.

This is what I will say. I’ve always been awkward but I have a big heart and bigger blue eyes. If I love you I love you with my whole heart as guarded as that is.

So when Captain of a sport I don’t understand decided I should be his girl. I was floored.

In your life there is always a human who defies all things. They really are the total package. Funny, sweet, smart. Hot. I’m going to say it, hot.

When your at your SO’s sporting event and other women comment on what they’d like to do to him you can be jealous or celebrate the fact you know where he’s showering after his match.

I chose celebration.

The Captain also set the tone and the bar.

He celebrated my quirkiness.  He wrote me love notes. He sang to me. Read to me. Watched movies with me. Gave me back pieces of me.

Except he was on borrowed time. He was not quite over his first love.

Whose name he called me during a fight.

Whose pictures I started noticing in his room.

Who he helped move

Visited over break and didn’t tell me

His Dad did in the world’s most awkward phone conversation

While he hurt me he also taught me…

Who I was wasn’t a bad thing. Smart is good. Love really is layered and making up can be fun. Fighting it happens and it’s ok. Maybe just don’t throw your beer in your loved one’s face. Although it may not matter.

Our mantra was no cats, no dog, just you and me.

He actually has all those things.

He’s still hot.

He would wander in and out of my life until I graduated

Giving me hope

Breaking my heart

Thankfully I would graduate college and meet the Guitar Player.

~~~~Caprise
Single Mom of the amazing Dbl G
Teacher
Sometime DJ
T-shirt collector
Henry Rollins Middle Aged Punk Prom Date

The Fixer of Broken Boys Part 8: The One

Your first love isn’t always the right one. I’m going to go out on a limb and say sometimes because they’re your first- they became something they’re not.

This was the boy in yellow. Here I am 25 years later trying to erase the imprint he made on me. He set the tone for what I accepted. For how I looked at things. I didn’t know that. Until I met my real true love. Who you will meet too.

We started out pretty great until we didn’t. He did everything a first boyfriend should. He was attentive and sweet. He showered me with presents. All the time. He went home every weekend to work. Every weekend he came back I got a new piece of jewelry. To this day I don’t like getting jewelry as gifts from men.

He would buy me clothes. Took me to his hair salon. I thought it was sweet. I was too young to figure it out. Thankfully my friends were jaded just enough. His parents tolerated me. His siblings didn’t get me at all.

Also he wasn’t great about keeping secrets.

While for me he was my one and only and I even had the promise ring he gave me to show his devotion. His commitment. We were one step away from marriage.

Except…I was his college girlfriend.

He had another girlfriend back home. Then he started sleeping with women on campus. Bragging about it.

I found out.

Broke up. Took him back.

Here’s the thing as a society we do an alright job with Sex Ed. But honestly we need to educate our children on relationships.

Seriously.

I needed someone to have a “Come to Jesus” with me and help me get my head right.

Instead I put up with his bull**** for almost two years because I thought since he was my first … I had to.

No I did not.

A wonderful group of guy friends intervened. I broke it off.

He would paint me as the one who did him wrong. Full disclosure in the middle of an on/off time in our relationship I met someone. I didn’t pursue it, but I didn’t hide it either.

He shaped how I trusted

How I shared

How I loved

How I saw myself

It wasn’t great, it wasn’t bad but you should love someone for who they are. He never did. He let me know all the time. In his defense he was shaped too.

Years later he would find me on social media and every year at the same time ask for my forgiveness and for me back.

And every year I would say the same thing- no. I’m happy. I will always love you because I will, but no. You broke my heart.

Two years ago a few months after our yearly exchange I found out he killed himself.

This is easily the hardest chapter to write and I skimmed a lot. Because…because…

My heart is still breaking

 

~~~~Caprise
Single Mom of the amazing Dbl G
Teacher
Sometime DJ
T-shirt collector
Henry Rollins Middle Aged Punk Prom Date

 

Brave The Winds Of Boredom

 

A while back, I had a conversation with an old friend about routines we settle into in life. A couple of weeks later, I had a nearly identical conversation with two other friends and and also with a family member. When I later posted a short blurb on this subject to my social media, someone else entirely took it very much to heart. That blurb, which is repeated below, applies perfectly to absolutely all of the aforementioned people, yet every single one of them, after having read my initial post, found direct and very personal truth in it. This really highlighted for me the universal truth found in this as well as the ironic comfort that we can all find in the fact that even in a situation that we find so unique, we are truly never alone. Even something that, when isolated in our individual minds, seems so detailed and personally specific, genuinely applies to so many.

When you choose routine to an extreme…

Same thing every Monday

Same thing with the same person every Tuesday

Same thing with the same people every Wednesday

Perhaps Wednesday cancels, but you hold that spot open only for previous activity – just in case they reinstate

Same thing every Thursday

Same weekend routine

Over

And

Over

And

Over

When (yes when, not if) boredom arises, it is of your own creation, born from routine, not relationship.

How many of us parents of kids in sports, especially when our kids are of the same age, plan many of our activities around our sports families…spending the same nights of the week with the same families doing the same things…all because it works with our practice and game schedules?

Families with children with long term medical conditions group together and often practice the same…repeating the same activities with the same people on the same nights, because there is comfort in the routine and the empathetic company of those who truly understand.

People in support groups fall into routines as well…much for a combination of the two reasons mentioned above. If they are very active in those groups, the schedule works for them – both in respect to time and also to their progress.  Additionally, the empathy found in those groups is a natural draw to the same activities and people day after day and week after week.

People who live in large and very social neighborhoods can also fall into the same patterns.  It’s hard not to when there are always social activities available right there in your own back yard.

All of these circumstances form tight groups…circles if you will…bubbles…domes, we all call them different things, but we all know, if we take a moment of pause for an objective and honest evaluation, that we grow to live inside our own and forget that there are so many others out there doing the same.  We get so used to our own circle that we forget there is another world outside of it.  That can not only jade us to realities of what other people live and do, but it can also make it very difficult for anyone new to ever come into our circle for any real amount of time.

We, as a people, do not like change.  When we get too settled into our circles and someone new comes into it, we have a hard time finding, much less accepting, where exactly they fit in.  How do we find time to share with this new person or these new people when all of our time is completely devoted to the ones already on the inside? And when we decide that we do want to find that time, how to we find a way to take it away from another part of the circle?  It drives discomfort and creates discourse and in so many cases, eventually pushes the new person right back out the door they came in.

As humans, we form habits out of the things we repeatedly do.  That is, after all, the very definition of the word.  Often times, habit breeds boredom.  In situations like the ones outlined above, many of us complain about that very thing…boredom.  We can never quite seem to figure out, however, the root of that boredom.  We LOVE our circles like we love our family.  Many of us actually consider our circles to truly be part of our family.  We want that time with them.  We may even crave it.  That is completely natural and there is unquestionably nothing wrong with that.  The conflict comes in when we can’t see that our boredom actually stems from our bubble…not from the people per se, but from the periodicity.

If you are finding yourself in a place of boredom in your life, take a look at your surroundings.  Then take a second look at your surroundings.  Take your next look at your routine.  Settle into that a bit and really analyze your rhythm.  Don’t eliminate the people who make your world home.  Change up your routine a bit instead.  When done right, a change in routine can expand your circle.  With that expansion comes a little more room in which you can let the excitement flow.  Whether it be the excitement of doing something you’ve never done or the excitement of a different kind of just doing something other than the norm on any given night, excitement is excitement and it is always what you make it.

There are too many moments of potential greatness in life…to many chances at amazing…too many souls that can set each other on fire…to ever allow boredom to be any form of excuse or habit.  We all need each other and our circles can overlap.  After all, interlocked circles will always – always – be stronger than individual ones.

Know your circle – both inside and out.  Have more than one.  Let them interlock.  Let the love inside and know you are worthy do to so.  If you do all of that, the excitement and the happiness that comes along with it will easily take care of itself.

You can follow me at sunshineandbluemoon.blogspot.com and, as always, make it a great day!

The Fixer of Broken Boys Part 7: The Boy In Yellow

The boy in yellow…

The universe doesn’t always get is right when it picks your first love. And to be honest I’m not even sure if he was.

What I do know is after that party for weeks this extremely tall, blonde guy would stand by our table on the good hall and just look at me.

He would say nothing.

Just look.

I find out later he was pledging and he was not allowed to speak to girls.

I won’t give him a name.

I can’t.

Out of respect for what I’m about to share …

For him

For me

How do I even say all of this

How about the before?

The weeks before he was free to talk to me when I met not one but two men who  in rapid succession would introduce me to things I didn’t learn in high school and also in doing so break my heart.

They didn’t know.

I think there  is an assumption if you’re in college you come with experience.

Not all of us do.

So to my Kiefer Sutherland look alike. I had never spent a night at a hotel before. I had never really made out. You get the idea.

It was a night but you armed me with a little knowledge then disappeared.

Then there was my sweet brown eyed boy. You and I would break each other’s hearts on and off for four years. You never thought you were good enough for me. I never believed someone like you could want me. You tried so hard to impress my Dad and I will love you for always for that. You were a heartbreak but you don’t count because you were worth it.

I think I’m ready to introduce you to the boy in yellow….

~~~~Caprise
Single Mom of the amazing Dbl G
Teacher
Sometime DJ
T-shirt collector
Henry Rollins Middle Aged Punk Prom Date