Tag Archives: relationships

My Friend Bill

I would like to tell you about my friend Bill. You may know him. He’s made a few movies. Big sports buff. Very quirky and he got his start on one of my favorite television shows.

When things in my life were feeling their lowest I started looking for positive outlets.

Me being me I needed them. It couldn’t be a glass of wine that would easily turn into a bottle. It couldn’t be a beautiful pastry my sweet tooth doesn’t ever seem to know when to stop.

It couldn’t be a trip to Target because it would mean a cart full of things I have no budget for.

It couldn’t be a night out because it can’t.

So…

I listen to music.

I read.

Watch movies, but I will be honest I am also easily distracted. 

I began digging deeper.

Looking for those things that would fill the gaps but wouldn’t lend themselves to my somewhat self destructive old habits.

Dear friends, I’ve sugar coated them. My bad habits.

Maybe a blog for another day.

Around this same time I watched the Razor’s Edge and Stripes. Two decidedly different movies from Bill Murray.

I mentioned to a friend how amazing I thought Bill Murray was. He suggested I read The Tao of Bill Murray.

My new friendship was born. Bill just doesn’t know it.

I also started digging into some amazing quotes from his.

As silly as it sounds these quotes have me some perspective I needed.

Here’s one:

“Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and make bad decisions.”

Welp… lol, yes.

But this one, this is the stuff.

“Don’t think about your errors or failures, otherwise you’ll never do a thing.”

That is exactly what started happening. I got so bogged down by all of the things that went wrong, I either didn’t do anything or did WAY too much.

I always looked for the other ball to drop. The bad.

I keep saying this but not only is 48 my year of no filter it’s also the year I work hard at happy. The year maybe I can give that happy to other people too.  As it has been to me in so many ways. One in particular a picture of one of my Chewbaccas with the man himself. It’s my screensaver and it makes me smile.

There are still going to be bad days, but to paraphrase my friend Bill… maybe it will be a day that a slice of pizza and cold beer can make feel better.

Much love Mommas

<3 Caprise

Look Around You

Look Around you…

This past weekend, I celebrated a very special event. My “quinceañera” was a day that I had looked forward to since I was a little girl.

For my Latin family and I, this birthday signified a major milestone in my life, as I was now growing up and officially being recognized as a “young woman”. We all agreed that this “major” milestone deserved a “major” party to represent its importance. All of us had been coming up with ideas for this event for YEARS.

When the time finally came to plan, we went all out. My mom and I spent endless hours planning every little detail of my dream party. We went over every possible outcome and we made sure that every topic was covered. This went on for many months as the date quickly approached.

After a while, I found myself forgetting what this birthday was about. To me, it became all about the planning and the fact that I needed it to be “perfect”, instead of me being excited that I’d get to share this special moment with my loved ones.

The day finally arrived and all I could think about was how I wanted everything to go as planned. All day I was filled with uncontrollable nerves as I worried that it wouldn’t turn out the way I had hoped.

As I made my “grand entrance”, all of those nerves disappeared. I looked around and saw the faces of so many special people in my life. It was such an overwhelming feeling to see how many people took time out of their busy schedules to spend a couple hours celebrating something very important to me.

In that moment I realized that it didn’t matter how “perfect” this night went. What really mattered was that everyone took a minute to pause whatever chaos was going on in their lives, and they got together for a night of pure joy and celebration within friends and family.

I feel that this is something necessary for all of us. No matter what is going on in your life, take time out of your day to look around and enjoy the company of those around you. 

-Dani <3

Time To Heal

Every week when I write these I’m heavily influenced by things that are going on in my own life, I also hope that what I share is relatable. Even if it doesn’t solve the problem, maybe my blogs give that sense of relief to whoever is reading this- they’re not alone.

I also am an avid follower of this page. While I was getting ready to write this I saw the quote on our Instagram page:

“If you don’t heal what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you.”

That quote hit me like a ton of bricks. Every Sunday I write and try to encourage. I share things that are deeply personal, that are hard to speak out loud. Still are.

I’m learning the more I speak them out the easier it is to do so. The more I speak them out the easier it is to prevent them from happening again. The more I speak them out the more I heal.

I am ashamed to say that I am the type of person that when I’m hurting or struggling I can assign that negativity to other parts of my life. Even if it’s unfounded. I also am superb at pushing people away.  Fortunately, I have some very stubborn people in my life who don’t let me get away with that behavior. I also have a circle of women who have shared experiences, who when I’m feeling this way I can reach out to and they can set me straight.

This still can be a lonely journey. The people I rely on aren’t nearby. I don’t need to tell you how hard it can be when those moments hit and you’re alone. Lately I wear a lot of waterproof mascara. Not because I’m drowning but because I’m healing. With the healing comes those moments when you’re by yourself and it hits.

I said to someone there are times I feel like a bug in a jar.

There are other times I feel like the world is my oyster.

Not this week. If I’m being honest. I have a huge, life changing decision to make. It will have major impacts on me for awhile. It will all work out I think, I hope, but it’s scary. It’s moments like these that I wish my people were more than a text or phone call away.

But the point is… I shared it. With my people. In hacking sobs. Scared phone calls. Nervous texts. Before I cut the people who didn’t hurt me.

My hope for you Mommas is you have people in your life, at least one, who when you have those moments who can help you take the lid off that jar.

In the meantime- sending you lots of these <3

Caprise

Get Out There

Get Out There!

There’s no doubt that my  group of early childhood friends is pretty awesome. It was an instant friendship that formed at the age of four, and has continued since then.

They are the people I’ve counted on, and they are the people that I hope will always have my back. With all of that said, my friends and I do have some differences. Throughout the years, we’ve developed our separate hobbies and discovered some subtle differences. Fortunately, this has not affected our relationship. However, we do  sometimes find it difficult to understand what the other person is going through.

This group has always been like my safe space, and once we started at a new school we felt like it was time to expand beyond our comfort zones. We all encouraged each other to go out and meet new people. With this advice in mind, we went and put ourselves out there in search of new adventures.

Personally, I was not expecting much to come from our exploration. To my surprise, I met an incredible group of people and we “clicked” instantly. I never thought that I would meet a whole new group of people with similar beliefs, interests, and personalities.

These friends, that I’ve made in the recent weeks, have been nothing short of wonderful. They’ve taught me to look on the positive side of life, and to find the beauty in every single person. If my close friends and I hadn’t put ourselves out there, I would not have met this incredible group of kids.

We all have to get out there and see what the world has to offer.  It might be amazing friendships, a great job, or even life-changing experiences.

Get out there and see what the world has waiting for you!

– Dani <3

The Hardest Month….October

I dread October. As a person who loves warm weather I let my Fall loving friends believe it’s because I’m not a fan of the:

Weather

Pumpkin Spice

Fall/Halloween Decorations

There’s a bit of truth to that, but really it’s because October and this week actually marks when my divorce was final. I was the one that made the choice to leave my marriage, but it doesn’t mean it hurts any less.

I never dreamed of a big wedding. Or even being married. Being a Mom yes. Always, but I never believed someone would love me enough to be with me in a partnership. That I would get the dress and cake and honeymoon. I think my family was just as surprised as I was when it happened.

I was proposed to during a fight. Which could have been a cute story, except he later admitted he was trying to make me stop crying.

We had a destination wedding and rumor was- on the flight over my ex sister-in law tried to talk my ex husband out of it among other things. Our best man wore shorts.

So many flags. Those are the ones I’m ok sharing. But when something happens you never thought would, you hold on, you fight for it.

Even when maybe you shouldn’t.

If you read my blogs you already know why my marriage ended. Sometimes you marry the wrong person because at the time they seem like the right person. Even when everything and everyone says that’s not the case.

As I’ve mentioned before I come from parents who are still married. Both sets of grandparents married until someone passed. I saw partnerships and loving your best friend. So much love. Even now. I wanted that. I still do.

Mr. Rogers said “ there isn’t anyone you couldn’t learn to Love once you’ve heard their story.” Except my ex husband. He heard my story and wanted to change it and me. So rather than grow together- we grew apart.

I tried. Counseling. Time apart. Time together. More counseling. But when someone has excuses for everything, who can’t say they’re sorry, who meets your tears with anger.

You can stay.

Or you can go.

I had a little person and I needed to show her what I knew. A marriage can be an amazing, love filled partnership between two best friends.

My heart still hurts I don’t have that.

This week is hard for me.

Especially October 12th.

That’s the day.

I became a single Mom with a two and half year old. I went from a little house with a big yard we loved to an apartment with a deck. We made it work. We created traditions. Like celebrating Halloween at our local Y. G is twelve now and costume planning has already started.

October is a hard month. If I tell you it’s because of my distaste for Pumpkin Spice Lattes that’s true, but it’s more than that. Now you know.

But as I always tell you Mommas and will remind you and myself… we are magical, strong, and amazing. I mean we’re Moms!

 

<3 Caprise

Sometimes You Need A Moment

This past weekend my Mom’s family had a get together. My uncle who has lived in England for decades was visiting. Emails were sent out and somehow my Mom’s siblings of which there are seven, (there were nine but my aunt and uncle passed away several years ago) and children and grandchildren all converged on my favorite uncle’s property for food and a visit.

It was pretty fantastic. My daughter who is an only child had my cousins kids who are close to her age and ironically have similar interests to hang around with, throw in one of my considerably younger cousins who took it upon herself to dote on them all and a lesson in driving a tractor… my kid was in heaven.

For me it was about being with my family. July which is thankfully over, was full of one thing after another. All out of my control and increasingly worse than the other. Normally I pray for July to last all summer, I prayed for August to get here instead.

Needless to say July wore me out.

That suitcase I told you all to push back under the bed a few weeks ago in another blog. I started to get it out. Thought about opening it.

Then the family get together happened. The suitcase was peeking out under the bed.

Then a moment happened. There were several actually, but this one has stuck.

My uncle the one visiting from across the pond who the last time I saw him I was married, came and sat down next down to me.

He started it off with “I was surprised to hear about your divorce”.

I instantly tensed up.

He continued… “but emotional abuse is hard. It gets in your head. Being slagged on day in and day out. You start to believe it,even when it’s not true. Words hurt. I don’t care what anyone says. They stick with you. No one deserves that.

You seem happy and life is treating you well and that is what you deserve”.

Even now as I write this I don’t think I can explain how much that meant. How much that conversation, that moment meant.

Because, sadly my reality over the years is most people just have not understood.

When your marriage fails it’s hard enough, but I never want to be the person who bad mouths my ex husband. Regardless of what happened during our marriage because he is still my daughter’s Dad.

But there were hurts.

There are still hurts.

I hope some day they will be less.

I hope some day I look in the mirror and I don’t second guess what I see. I don’t second guess what I say. I don’t doubt who I am. I continue to get back to being the badass I like to trick

everyone into believing I am.

I also want you to remember who you are Mommas. Grab those magic moments.

Look in the mirror and roar.

Love the sound of your voice.

Believe in who you are.

You are someone’s Momma and that means you are a magical badass.

<3Caprise

Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda

I am a person who unfortunately does not sleep much. That means while the rest of my house is sleeping blissfully at 3 AM, I am on Pinterest, social media or You Tube.

There are a few vloggers I follow regularly and they are celebrating marriages and babies and lives together and taking me along for the ride.

While I recognize some of these shares are beautifully edited the emotion is there and definitely gets me emotional.

I feel like I have been carrying around this suitcase of memories from my life before my divorce and I need to throw it away.

I didn’t realize how raw those hurts still were until I started watching those videos.

We all have an idea in our head of how things will be. Our wedding, children, marriage and you either work as a team,meet in the middle, or you don’t.

I also think you forgive a lot because you think it will change.

Once the baby is here.

Once she sleeps through the night.

Once we have been apart a year we’ll get along better.

My biggest red flag was me all wired up having contractions after being in labor for almost a day and my Dad never leaving my side. My ex husband however, not only leaving several times but when he was in the room he was on his computer the whole time. Not once did he comfort me.

Yet I chalked it up to nerves.

No

There would be things later that would show me it had nothing to do with nerves.

I can dwell in regret and compare or I can celebrate the fact I have G. Remember some of the funny moments from that time in my life.

I can be determined to make sure I speak up now with my person and if it feels like a red flag it probably is.

It is incredibly easy for many of us who have been hurt to not let it go. To let it lead us. I have done an absolutely fantastic job of building a very tall wall around myself.

But maybe the tape in our heads instead of coulda,woulda,shoulda should be:

I’m here

I’m badass

I’m a Momma and that makes me magical.

I say it a lot. Being a Mom is magical. We grew people!!!

When that suitcase feels like it needs to be unpacked, kick it back under the bed and remember who you are.

You are a Momma

Much love Mommas

<3 Caprise

Warrior Training

Warrior Training

When did my skin get so damn OLD looking??? These are the things that I am thinking as I look at last night’s video…51 that is how old I will be in about a month, 51 years on the planet with an 18 year old son.

18 years…where the hell did that GO??? 18 years of being a working single mom, 18 years of being solely responsible for every freaking thing—- how the hell did I even DO that???? Yet, here I sit…out the other side and in fact, I did do it and I did a pretty good job. The kid turned out pretty exceptional even in the face of my many shortcomings…

So what have I learned and what wisdom can I impart to help you through whatever stage of this adventure you are in?

Here we go…

*STOP worrying so much, it isn’t helping anything. All it does is make you crazy and honest to God shit DOES work out. We hardly ever can see how, yet it does and you simply HAVE TO TRUST THAT IT WILL.

*Be honest with your kids, let them see you be REAL…acting like you are OK when you are NOT OK just screws them up because they can FEEL that you aren’t right and you are usually all they have—-so let them see the warrior that you are, let them see that you can be afraid and do it anyway…let them see that you can not feel well and do it anyway…let them see what it is like to overcome things—it is only going to make them stronger, better adults.

*Kids KNOW, whatever it is that you think you are hiding from them, they already know—-so just be honest. Life is hard and we prevail, show them that—don’t make them think that there won’t be challenges—-show them what it is like to be real.

*Take care of yourself, if you go down there is no one to cover for you—-your health and your well-being are a PRIORITY. PERIOD.

*KNOW YOUR WORTH —- I can’t say this one enough…I made so many mis-steps over the years because I didn’t understand my worth…don’t do that. Don’t settle, don’t ‘put up with shit’— know your worth.

*The kids are gonna be OK, they are going to make it. As long as you are doing your best and you are being authentic then they are going to be just fine…stop worrying.

*We are not perfect, we are not meant to be perfect—- we screw shit up, it’s human nature—- just keep doing the best you can.

*Don’t let fear stop you, have the fear and do it anyway—that’s all there is—just keep going, doing the next thing in front of you.

*Help as MANY people as possible, always.

*Give back everywhere you can, be generous of Spirit—everyone is fighting their own battles that we know nothing about—be kind.

*Take the high road, it isn’t crowded up there and don’t sweat it, karma never loses an address—let the Universe handle the people that were less than kind to you, you have better things to do.

*Always keep learning, reading, pushing yourself—-as I said before don’t settle—-keep pushing yourself, it’s how you grow.

*Talk to your kids, listen to them—-don’t be so busy trying to survive that you forget to LIVE.

*Have GRACE for yourself and others—not everything has to be perfect all the time—cut yourself some slack…I am telling you it all works out at the end of the story…

*Acknowledge the small miracles and have gratitude for how far you have come, we often are so busy just trying to get through the day that we forget to give thanks for the progress—there is always something to be grateful for.

It’s funny to be sitting in this place 18 plus years later, looking back on raising this boy on my own. At the beginning it seemed insurmountable, in the middle it was the hardest thing I have ever done, at the end it was the BEST training that I have ever had. I can produce results that nobody else can, I don’t let anything stop me, I don’t make excuses and my mantra has become “whatever it takes”—- I don’t accept ‘impossible’ as a descriptor and I KNOW from walking through FIRE and HELL that you can and you WILL get through whatever you are facing.

You know me, I am always straight with you guys and this was the hardest thing that I have ever done, raising this child with no child support and being the sole source of everything that he required for 18 years plus:). However, it taught me skills and strengths that I would never have learned any other way and it built me into a warrior that now helps other people——that part is my greatest blessing. Let my testimony become your inspiration—- if I could get out the other side successfully so will you…

Here’s to my approaching 51st birthday…let’s see what God has planned, it’s bound to be an adventure and you guys will be along for the ride.

Much Love,

Noelle

The Truth Is…We Love You

The Truth is…We Love You

Dear Moms,

Being a teenager is difficult, or at least we think it is.

Some of us spend every moment of our lives stressing about our “responsibilities” and keeping up with popular trends. Others spend their time stressing about their follower count and how to be “in” with the cool crowd. Both are some of the countless things that we prioritize in life.

While all of this is going through our minds, we sometimes lose sight of what truly matters and the people who truly care about us. In these moments, we often push ourselves away because we feel that no adult could understand what we’re going through (because obviously they were never teens… right?). When we feel this way, we’ll say some things that we really regret afterwards. We yell, we argue, and we don’t listen. We become so blind sometimes, that we don’t acknowledge the effort and love that you put in to try and make us feel better.

What can I say? We are typical teens. Although it may not seem like it, we appreciate what you do for us. I want to tell each and every one you that we notice. We notice the small deeds you do to put smiles on our faces when we need it most. We notice the sacrifices you make, to make our problems seem insignificant. We notice you reaching out to try and bond with us. The reason behind our distance, is our stubbornness.

The truth is… we love you!

We love the way you have our back. We love the way you can’t help but want to protect us from any harm. We love the fact that you are always willing to listen. To all the moms reading this right now, I want to let you know that you are Wonder Women. On behalf of all the teens, we are extremely sorry for being such pains in the bottom.

The truth is… WE LOVE YOU!

-Dani

You Got This Mommas

You got this mommas…

Every week late Sunday afternoon I curl up somewhere with a beverage, music, blanket, and my iPad and start to write a post that will appear here.

I always try to find something I hope that will resonate with someone. Maybe help. Make someone laugh. Feel better.

The irony that my maternal instincts kick in, even when dealing with something like a blog post isn’t lost on me.

As I write this – it’s Mother’s Day. I will share with you that while I was never a 100 percent about getting married I always knew I wanted to be a Mom.

I am far from a traditional Mom and my own daughter sometimes compares me to a teenager on occasion, but I have always and will always put her first.

I worry and overthink when it comes to her. I try not to Tiger Mom her too much. I maybe get too much joy out of singing loudly to a song she doesn’t like in our car rides together.

Meals can sometimes be more like snacks.

She definitely gets too much time on her iPad.

I let her have two swear words a day.

My heart hurts when she is at her Dad’s, even though when she’s home we are rarely in the same room.

I love being silly with her. That she is almost taller than me.

Being a Mom is the best thing, deciding to do it alone was one of the hardest decision I ever made. I still worry about it, but I also needed to be a healthy, happy Mom for G. I still have my moments…

I will never be a PTA Mom. I send gift cards and emails to school. I am thankful for her teachers and her grandparents who have helped me to raise such a beautiful, funny, smart and kind spirit.

I don’t look like the other Moms with my tattoos and piercings, but I look like her and when she asks me to I dress up or down – I do. I love that we both like Vans and fun t-shirts.

In all of this ramble this is my point… no one is the perfect Momma. She doesn’t exist. But what you are is a Momma who is doing amazing on her own terms with her whole heart and that’s what it’s all about.

At least I hope so.

You do got this Mommas

<3 Caprise