Tag Archives: relationship

Taking Inventory

On Saturday’s Coffee Chat we talked about doing an inventory of the relationships and alliances in your life and whether or not they are serving you anymore.  I mentioned being very aware of who contributes to you and who takes away from you—everybody that you encounter does one or the other—they either ADD to your life or they zap your energy.

When you make the decision that you want a different kind of life you must be willing to take the actions that will make that manifest in your reality, often times that means that we have to divest ourselves of some stuff…people, objects, behaviors.  Anything that is no longer serving you must be left behind otherwise you will be unable to move forward.

It takes great strength to realize what you need to let go of and even greater strength to actually DO IT.  You cannot move into the future that you want for yourself by dragging along people and things from the past, not all people want to change.  Some people are quite happy complaining about how things never change vs. actually taking ACTION to change them.  Change is uncomfortable, however being uncomfortable causes us to grow as human beings and if we are not growing, we are becoming complacent and inevitably declining…

Time to start LOOKING at who and what is around you and deciding what stays and what goes—clutter, old clothes, papers, behaviors, people that drain you etc

Time to CLEAN HOUSE –the first step in Practical Change is to take inventory and be willing to tell the truth to yourself about what is no longer working for you.  This can be difficult as often people that we love are not committed to moving ahead in their lives and for us to move ahead we will have to change our associations with them.  The hardest thing to do is step back from people that we love that are unwilling to help themselves—in those cases it’s either ‘us’ or ‘them’—as I always say, “there is a reason the airlines tell you to put your oxygen mask on first.”

Do not be afraid to admit to yourself what is no longer working and don’t be afraid to cut it loose—everything that you want is on the other side of you making these changes.  It is time to make NEW beginnings and start surrounding yourself with the things that will support the life that you are creating.  See you Saturday for Coffee Chat!

 

XO, Noelle

Time To Be Unfiltered

It’s time to be unfiltered…I have been sharing with you how it has been going now that I’m dating again.

Welp! Here we are.

My person and I actually had a rare day together. Between what’s going on in our world. Our jobs and me having a teenager our moments are few and far between.On my end, I read in a comment on my last post about mom guilt.  I carry some mom guilt if I am away from my daughter doing something for myself.

This is my thing. She is thirteen, she never makes me feel bad when we don’t spend every moment together and to be honest I think she’s secretly relieved I’m not spending every moment with her.

But…

I still feel bad when I do go out. I just do.Maybe someday I won’t. If y’all can let me in on when that would be lovely.

All that aside. I actually had a day date with my person.

A visit to my favorite place for coffee and little shopping for me and the hardware store for him. Lol, I know. But we were together. My person likes to tease me. I will be honest. I don’t usually tease back. I hold back. In previous relationships the teasing was incredibly personal. It was about my appearance, my family, my friends. It was hurtful. To make it stop. I took it in. Shut down. Did not say anything back.I filtered myself.

I have noticed with my current person I will engage but I filter.Now if he was one of my close friends and teased me I would have a comeback. Or a comment. Or a defense.

He noticed.

Immediately.

So… I did something I haven’t done in a long while.

I unfiltered myself.Much like everything else in this process I was petrified.I should not have been.At one point he was laughing so hard he was crying and joking and I thought I was going to have to give me CPR.

Why on earth would I hide that side of me away?

He called me on his drive home and said he hadn’t laughed like that in a long time and he really appreciated me sharing.

I don’t have the magic recipe here.The magic words.

I don’t know how to make this easier or less scary and I am not going to tell you this very person I’m writing about hasn’t also hurt my heart too.Because he has and at some point maybe I’ll share that.

Dating is never easy.If I’m being honest I think it was harder when I was younger. At least now when someone is a complete flake or says…”I don’t think I can pay for that.” I have the means to handle both of those things.But I think it hits harder when it doesn’t work because at one point I was married. 

For me no matter what. There is always that voice.

“Maybe it is me”.

Which is ridiculous.People are complicated.Relationships are complicated.What I’m learning is to cut myself some freakin slack.Things will either work or they won’t.What I absolutely can’t do is lean into all the things that made me miserable the first time around.

I know it’s super cheese and cliche but this saying is kinda true….

“Better to be happy and alone then miserable and with someone”.

But maybe that won’t happen. In the meantime I’m going to do my best to enjoy this.

Be safe & much love Mommas

💚Caprise

The Power Of Speaking Up

The power of speaking up..If you have been reading my posts the last few weeks I have been sharing my struggles with dating again. Almost all of it is because of communication and fear.Those two things I think are in a really healthy relationship actually and as such, they have definitely had an impact on mine.

Through all of this I keep thinking what would I tell my daughter? What do I say to my friends? I mean… what do I share with you all?

So… I mustered up a whole lot of courage partnered with a whole lot of Reese’s and told my kinda, sorta, person what I wanted. What I needed.

There were some tears.It was a jumble. A bit of a mess.At one point he asked me if I wanted to write it down. 

Yup….I know.

He listened.Really patiently actually.But I will be honest … I felt terrible. Selfish even. Which I know is crazy. When you are with someone you should be able to speak up, except up until now I have never felt like anyone has wanted to listen.

Here I am a few days later writing about it. Sharing it. Guess what?

Everything is fine.

In fact maybe better than fine because we talked through why I have a hard time speaking up.That in and of itself was incredibly powerful. Still scary. But I think we understand each other better now. Which we need. I need. 

I still have absolutely no idea where any of this will land but I am relearning what a healthy relationship looks like and that is powerful too.

Be safe and much love Mommas 

<3 Caprise

Flying Solo

Are you flying solo?

Happily Single?  Reluctantly Single?  Angrily Single?  Which is it?

For so long I was sad that I was single.  But through the work I’ve done & am still doing on myself, through my many prayers with my bestie and through my ‘giving it up to God’, again, I’m able to sit peacefully in it.  I call it Flying Solo.  And I truly do believe it is temporary. 

Am I happy about it?  No.  BUT I’ve certainly learned to find peace in the middle of it.  Yes, I wish it were different.  Sure I miss having a companion to call on and go out with.  BUT I’m peacefully living my life as it is.  I do want to be married again some day or at least in a loving committed relationship, BUT I’m not miserable because of my singleness.  Like I used to be.  I don’t dwell on it or make myself feel less amazing because of it.  I’m a devoted friend, loving mom and I am creatively talented. 

I appreciate my time…taking care of me, going to the gym and spending quiet time before work with my coffee in one hand and my devotional in the other and dabble in my sewing room.  I schedule “Ladies Nights Out” once a month to get girlfriends together, I volunteer my time when I can and tinker in my yard on the weekends. 

Life is good flying solo.

I hope you realize that maybe it’s just not the season for you to be in a relationship.  Do your kids need your attention?  Does your health require your rigor? Does your latest goal need your discipline?  Whatever you’re going through, my hope is that you put your energy on YOU, take care of YOU, do much for YOU and know that when the season is new, when your heart is ready & your space allows. It will come. 

Till then stay available, vulnerable and humble.

And have fun!

xoxo

Your God-girl

Tracy

The Secret Know

The secret know…..the last few weeks I have really been thinking about what I want in a relationship. Maybe because for the first time in a long time, I’m kinda sorta in one.

It’s hard for me to let my guard down. Let someone in. Say this is my person.

I have mentioned this before I am afraid. I have let myself want things I didn’t think I could have, only to have them taken away.

Then I realize fear should not be my guide.

Caution sure. But fear. Then I’ll never move forward. I can’t use it as my shield to not be honest with myself or others. I think sometimes I do.

In fact I know I do.

It’s easier to walk away when you don’t let someone completely in. 

On the flip-side I think it has also made me settle.I have maybe looked the other way in certain situations out of fear.Both of committing and if I’m being honest. Being alone.

After my divorce I plunged headfirst into a relationship with an ex boyfriend. He moved back to our home state to be with me. I was overwhelmed by the gesture. Except he moved closer to his family, not me. We were together for a really long time and in that time he never tried to meet my daughter. One grand gesture can’t forgive that.

Yet for the longest time I let it. Among other things.

I casually started dating.  It felt like Lemony Snickett and a Series of Unfortunate Events.I think it was fifty percent me and fifty percent them.And to be honest … dating is hard. Dating after divorce. Harder. Dating divorced with children is even harder. Dating with children and you’re over a certain age – hardest. Then out of nowhere I reconnected with an old friend and here we are trying to figure it out.

Well ok, I am.

The balance.

How much do I let him in?

How much do I tell my daughter?

Do I tell my daughter?

How much do I ask for?

What can I ask for?

For some of you reading this you may be thinking what is the problem?

Welp.

I was what you’d like to call a late bloomer.

Dating

Marriage

Motherhood 

I feel like I’m learning again and it’s terrifying and exciting.Secretly, I do kinda know what I want.

A partner in crime.

Who recognizes I have legitimately built my life around my daughter. So I want to let you in. It’s just scary. I have to think of her. Just have to.

I want the cheesy..

Not all of it but some.

I have never had it. Ever.

I have always been an afterthought even in my own marriage. 

I am kinda of over that. Not kinda. I am.

You know when you were a kid and you got picked last on a team? That is how it has been for me in my relationships. Maybe because I’m so independent I have accepted it as part of being independent. But there’s a line and I think I’ve let too many people cross it.

I said it last week and I will say it again.

To not be afraid.

To not be afraid to want things.

To ask for them.

To not be embarrassed or feel bad that I want them.

I keep thinking I tell my daughter to embrace who she is and lean into all the things that make her great. What would she think if she knew her Mom doesn’t know how to speak up for herself when she cares about someone?

A friend sent me a meme recently it was:

Friend: I need some advice. Me: eating a tube of cookie dough. “You’ve come to the right place.”

I have never identified with a meme more.I support and cheer-lead the people I love.Yet here I am a bit helpless. A lot clueless. Still scared.

I think I know what I want. Now this guarded girl needs to work on phase two.

Communication.

Please pass the cookie dough on your way out…

Be safe

Much love Mommas

💚Caprise

Five Minutes

Five minutes…..

Sunday afternoon and I have Harry Styles in my ears and my windows open. After what seems like forever Spring is finally here in the Midwest and I can feel my mood improving. It helps I don’t feel like I have to be bundled up in five million layers.

My daughter is thirteen soon fourteen and as we approached this age I bought all the books. You know the ones, how to talk to your teen. How to build a relationship. Maneuver through the teen years. 

Did I read them ?

Lol, oh my goodness no. Instead I did something I should have done always.

Everyday I find five minutes.

It may be a silly moment where I go in her room and sing her a song in between cleaning. When I get home from work I go find her and ask about her day.At bedtime tell her all the things about her that make me proud.In the morning on my way out the door.

Those five minutes add up throughout the day. She is incredibly independent so sometimes in a day aside from dinner I may just get that five minutes.

Which is hard for me.

I miss the days she just wanted to be by me. Always. I miss holding her hand. I miss tucking her in. Reading to her.I’m incredibly proud of the person she is becoming.

She is smart, funny, and empathetic. She knows who she is.But I miss the little four year old who would crawl into bed with me and snuggle.Now she is taller than me.

What I am learning in those five minutes is sometimes they turn into ten. Then ten turns into an hour and somehow my thirteen year old is suddenly sharing things with me, things that  I am sometimes nervous to hear but happy she will tell me.

The other day those five minutes gave me a surprise of my daughter in my room asleep on my bed when I got home from work. When I asked her what happened.She said “I just missed you Momma so I came in here and took a nap.”

So while maybe I should crack open those books. I am going with five minutes.Those five minutes are showing me even though she has to crouch down to hug me. She still wants to.

I’ll take it.

Much love.

Stay safe Mommas

💚Caprise

How’s It Going To Be?

How’s it going to be?

It’s Sunday and the time change has officially happened. I am officially not a fan. I have a third cup of not very warm coffee nearby and Third Eye Blind in my ears.

This week is officially one year. The world shut down. I’m starting to see posts on friends’ social media remembering. For me I quit a job, I honestly was on the verge of losing after fifteen years. I had just started again financially. My daughter was almost a teenager. I was starting to finally let someone in.

Then the world stopped.

Now a year later we are slowly opening back up. I have been back to work since August. So the awkwardness of being social, I got out of the way months ago.But I have worries.

Let’s start with the outlandish ones. It’s perhaps completely silly, but it’s something I’ve thought about a lot. In the last year there are people in my life I have stood by everyday. Called. Texted. Made sure they are loved and supported. Now that they can venture out…will they still need me? I know. I know.

But I mean they’ve been stuck with me for a year. So …

Then there’s the more serious worry. My daughter. Finally going back to school.I know she’s excited to see her friends but will she be safe? She will be a freshman who has never been in that building but then I think umm…that’s all the kids so…ok. Settle down there.

Her relationship with her Dad. He’s always been a bit flighty in seeing her but during this last year he REALLY leaned into that.Are they going to be ok?

I guess that is where I do my thing and support her as I have been.I don’t know how it’s gonna be, but this is what I do know.I continue to be thankful for the littlest of things. I really do have the most amazing kid. Seriously I hate how I got here, but for the most part I appreciate that I got to know people in my life in a different way.

So a year later there’s that and I’ll take it.

Be safe

Much love Mommas

💚Caprise

So, I Am Single

So, I’m single and that matters…..why? 

I used to ask myself that, A LOT.  Why did it matter to me that I was single?  Was it the world who set the precedent that at some point in my life I should be married?  Or at least dating someone and be working toward a committed relationship?  Or did I truly, truly, way deep down long for a relationship?  That was a tough question for me to answer.

For the longest time I continuously prayed to be in a relationship. I thought there was something WRONG with me. Now, after how many years?…. I finally get it.  Oh,I still pray about it.  But I pray with fervent prayers, prayers of hope and joy and belief and excitement.  My prayers from yesteryears were full of tears and anguish and discouragement.  “Why God Why?”  I would ask over and over and over.  He must’ve wiped His brow every time I got out of bed knowing He was going to hear from me today with my tear streaked cheeks and pitiful tone.

Today, I’m different. 

Sure I would love to have a companion, BUT my life is pretty awesome as it is.  I spend my time with my son and my bestest girlfriends, I volunteer and do all the things I love to do that make me feel good about me.  I spend time in my yard, my garden, my sewing room.  I enjoy watching a movie, going for walks around the nearby park and having girlfriends over for Girls Nights.  I’ve changed my focus to being complete in me, right where I am.  And if God chooses to bless me with a mate, I’m eager to say hi at the sight of him.  

Til then.  It’s me and my singleness. 

xoxo

Your God-girl

Tracy

Am I Parenting Right?

As a parent you just do not know if you are parenting ‘right’… it starts when they are babies, then moves to toddlers, then continues right through the school years and teen years.   And here I am.. Knee deep in the teen years.  

A couple years ago, I started to go through giving my oldest daughter some independence.  I have always given my kids some freedom and independence until I felt they could not handle it.  It’s a definite struggle to just step back a little and give them more and more independence.   

I remember when my oldest started staying up later and later, I knew eventually she would have to figure it out that she would need more sleep.  Eventually, she realized that if she wanted to make it through the day with school and practice, she would need to not stay up late watching netflix.  

And now I am going through my middle daughter trying to gain herself some independence.  And this has been the biggest test for me.  I have realized that all of my children are so different.  It just boggles my mind, how really different they can be.  So here I am thinking, well my oldest daughter handled it, I am sure she will be fine also.  News to me… 

I have learned that they both handle independence and responsibility very different.  And it has been a definite learning curve. I feel like I am tested daily with this one.  My oldest was motivated by getting to be with her friends.  She is very social and enjoys sleepovers and hanging out with them.  If I ask her to do something or follow certain rules, she does it because she gets to see her friends.  

Then we have my middle child…. She is very smart and school comes easy for her.  She is content being at home and does not ask to do much.  She loves her netflix and watching tv.   A couple months ago, she asked to switch to complete distance learning and we agreed with some expectations.  I thought this would be a good test at some independence.  We gave her six weeks and then we would evaluate how it was working.   It was a complete shit show… missing assignments, missing classes, and grades falling.  

So, we discussed that after Christmas she would need to return to hybrid.  Now, it should not have been a complete shock to her because the weeks leading up to this conversation, we discussed her grades and missing assignments, along with the importance of getting them in.  

It is the day she is suppose to return to school and she just doesn’t go.  I tried all of my tactics and bargain tools, nothing worked.  Now, with my oldest, taking her phone away would have done the trick.  I am pretty sure that the words “boarding school” came out of my mouth.  I might have even mentioned that the principal might show up at our house… good god, I sounded like my mother 30 years ago, I was rambling… and my daughter knew none of those things would happen.  

I do not even know why I was trying, I knew how strong willed she was…and I knew when she made up her mind it was stuck.  

And now she has still not returned to in-person school.  Of course, she is doing her learning still from her bedroom and of course, she is actually getting up on time, but she will not return. I have tried everything to get her to go back to school and she just will not do it.  She has no phone, no tv, or no electronics.  I am sure her friends wonder what happened to her….but she seems to not care.  She is ok with the consequences.  

And so here I am, still in awww on what to do.  I have asked my friends, I have read numerous articles, but still everyday I am wondering if I am doing it right. I wonder if I am not doing enough or doing too much.. Should I just give in or should I have more consequences.  Honestly, its a gamble. And I am sure 20 years from now, we will laugh about it.   

And the reality is, each of my children are so different.  They function so differently.  Just when I think I have them figured out, another curve ball.  And I am stuck thinking… how many more years until I finally figure it all out….

-Snarky

 

www.snarkydivorcedgal.com

What You Want & What You Get

What you want and what you get…

I have just finished round one of our Thanksgiving meal. We tried something different this year and we ordered it from a restaurant.

For the record- I highly recommend it. 

Seriously.

Highly.

We will be doing it again.

It goes without saying but I will say it, this year is incredibly different than years past. I think we made the best of it. We had each other and the food was beyond yummy. Now we can relax.

For me a chronic over thinker it  also means some time to crawl in my head. 

There are quotes all over about chronic over thinkers. They exist for a reason. As well… they are rooted in truth. 

I am finally and shockingly getting my life together. After years of well..really not having it together. My job stressed me out. My finances were a mess.  As much as I was coming into my own on the outside. My insides needed work.

They still do.

A pandemic is maybe not the time to make a life change. Yet I did. 

Eight months later. My daughter will tell you my crinkle between my eyes is gone and she loves that I don’t talk about work all the time. I have a savings.  I am in a place where I have never been.

I still don’t have that one thing. I read an article by another blogger the other day talking about all the things. How hard she worked. To create this life for her children. Out of nowhere one of  her children asked her why she didn’t have someone like their Dad did , and she had to catch herself.  She said she silently cried.

 I felt that. I felt that more than I can say. I have dated. And it’s not that I need someone, I am capable and to be honest I have become pretty set in my ways.

But I would like someone. Is that bad? Is it wrong as I scroll through social media to want that? Or a little?

Maybe because I never did. 

Have it.

Not even when I did.

My ex husband was not a romantic guy. He was a practical guy. Which is why I married him … I am a free spirit. I needed practical. At least I thought I did. You know what? You can do that yourself.

Be practical.

I was for years before I met him, but I had a really bad relationship. Like REALLY bad. Made me think I needed the opposite of me in my life. 

I don’t know.

That didn’t go so well.

I,at some point in my life, want what I don’t have yet. I am getting there. I have a someone and he is a blend of all the things. But the deeper we dive into our relationship I start to realize I have created little roadblocks to my path of what I want.

So- as much as I get sad and frustrated when push comes to shove and I am given an opportunity to ask for what I want…guess what I do? Shut down. 

I am and continue to be an incredibly guarded human. Which is funny when you consider every week I give you all some insight as to where my head and heart is at. But to do that with someone I care about. Oooh… yup nope. That’s Midwestern for maybe. Or a gentle no.

Did I mention I majored in Communications in college? Yet here I am relearning or to be honest learning how to communicate with someone I care about. A lot.

I am getting there. Learning how to ask for things I don’t need but want. I am still incredibly independent but I am learning you can still be independent and use your words. In fact it can make you more so.

And happier.

I may never get exactly what I want.

But at least now I’m learning to ask for it.

Take care.

Be safe Mommas

💚Caprise