Tag Archives: relationship

Man Up

Do you want a Man’s Man?  A strong, get-it-done, rough & tumble kinda man?  

Then you need to listen to what he says, & watch what he does.  Do those two things line up? When he says he’s going to pick you up at 8:00… does he pick you up at 8:00?   When he says it’ll be fun to go somewhere special, does he take you there? When he says he’ll make the plan for Friday night, does he follow through?  When he says he doesn’t eat junk food, does he go to a fast food place and justify why?  

Are you asking why does this matter?  

It matters because 

# 1 – it’s important that your man keeps his word

 #2 – it’s important that he values his commitments to you

 #3 – it‘s important…because when he says “you’re beautiful”… you believe him

 

Men are action oriented.  They are doers, hunters, fighters, chasers.  They are bold, courageous and strong. If we don’t give them the space to be that MAN, and we take away THAT manhood that we want so much… they could feel unwanted, undervalued or even threatened and they just might leave.  

It is not our job to be the man in the relationship.  It is not our job to do, to get, to fix, to plan. It is our job to BE….be femininity, be heart, be comfort, be quiet, be encouragement.  They have hard edges, ours are soft. They get to the point, we talk in long sentences. They drive, we relax. They do, we be. Am I making sense?

If we don’t allow them the space to hunt, court, defend, protect …..because we’re doing it.  Because we’re calling first, we’re making the plans, we’re in control, we’re figuring it out and we’re fixing it where it’s messy…. if we DO all the DOING….. we’re not giving them the opportunity to be living at “full throttle” in their manliness… protecting, providing, fixing… and they just might not stick around.  You can be an independent woman and still bring on the captivating feminine.  

So sit down, smile, flip your hair and bat your lashes.  He’s about to Man Up.

xoxo

Your God-Girl,

Tracy

Making Friends Mid-Life

I just moved to Fort Wayne 7 months ago and I have so many wonderful friends today!  

I have so many new friends in my life because I said yes.  I said hello. I started a conversation. I smiled. I went to the meeting.  I joined the Study. I accepted the invitation. I went alone. I walked through the door.  You see…. I had decided before I moved here that I was going to make this a life worth living, I was going to meet women and I was going to enjoy my new home in this new place.  

If you want to be a part of a larger circle of girlfriends, it will take you getting out of your fragile way, it will take you being bold and stepping out and it will take you creating something different.  You will have to risk, you will have to research things happening near you and go alone, you will have to be in the mindset of positivity and possibility and love.

So, you say hi first.  And maybe that’s all it is…. is a hello.  This time. And maybe nothing comes from it.  It goes no further than that. But, MAYBE, just maybe… a compliment about her cute sweater creates a coffee date.  Maybe volunteering at the animal shelter turns into a friendship with someone you may never ever have met otherwise.  Maybe going to a yoga class alone and chatting afterwards you end meeting your new bestie and especially when you open your mind to the fact that you and the woman across the street can’t wait to meet each other… you end up creating a friendship only the heart can explain.

So to create a larger circle of friends… yes…. it requires you to go places and do things and kindly say hello.  You never know what could come next. It’s never ever too late in life to make new friends.

xoxo,

Your God girl 

Tracy

TWSM Book Review ‘The Five Love Languages for Singles’

The Five Love Languages for Singles by Gary Chapman

Reviewed by Liz Fendley

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman started with his original work designed for married couples over 20 years ago. Many of us have heard of the five love languages to help us understand how we prefer to give and receive affection: words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, quality time, and physical touch. This book is dedicated to single adults and addresses our specific needs, including a chapter dedicated to the needs of single parents. It is a great read.

I should probably share the disclaimer that I originally took the five love languages quiz when I was a married parent. As such, I was a bit skeptical of how “real” this book would be for single parents dealing with issues like parenting, work, and dating. My skepticism was dispelled, and I found the book to be refreshing and respectful.

In the chapter on single parenting, Chapman addresses the fact that your children may not have the same primary love language that you do. This one struck home for me. My primary love language is physical touch, closely followed by quality time. When my teenage daughters took the quiz, they both scored with “gifts” as their primary love language. My first response was, “Uh oh. There is no way I can afford this.” Since then, I have learned that something as simple as adding a $1 “gift” to a grocery store or errand run and saying, “I was thinking of you today” can make my daughters’ days brighter. If a loved one tried to do the same thing for me, I would be polite, but I would probably be thinking, “How many calories are in that?” “Seriously, just give me a hug” or perhaps “This house has way too much clutter anyway”.

For most of us, The Five Love Languages for Singles is a great read and Chapman’s background as a pastor and references to scripture will be reassuring. If I have one criticism of this book, it is that Chapman assumes a heteronormative stance due to his specific religious beliefs. If you are an LGBTQI single parent, this book may be less likely to speak to you. Perhaps there are additional resources online that are more inclusive.

As many of us are spending more time at home with Covid-19, I am also happy to say that I found “my” free copy of this book via the Libby app from my local library. The Five Love Languages for Singles is an easy read, and might even keep our homes calmer and happier as we are spending so much time together!

Rating: 4 stars out of 5

~Liz

The Five Love Languages for Singles

Copyright 2014 by Gary Chapman

Sometimes You Have To Let A Friend Go

Sometimes I just can’t be that friend,the friend you want, sometimes I have to pick me and let you go.  Years ago,  I would never have thought of letting a friend go, I wouldn’t have had the self confidence to pick myself over another person.  I would have just gone with the flow and allowed the friendship to continue even if it was a struggle.

Last year, I knew I had to let a long term friend go.  I just could not survive the friendship anymore.  Our friendship was too much of a struggle for me and it was draining. I had my own challenges in my life and I just couldn’t give her the time and commitment she needed.  And in return, she was angry at me for not reaching out, or checking in, or being able to see her.  I did feel horrible and went back and forth with my decision.

I knew I did not have the time to commit to this friendship.  I did not have the energy and strength to put into it what it needed.  I could not make her happy.  I couldn’t be the friend that had to drive 2 hours to see her and she would never come this way to see me.  I could not be the friend that constantly reached out but didn’t receive anything back.  I could not put my energy into a friend that would never reach out to see how I was doing, but you were expected to reach out to her…I couldn’t do it anymore. The one that would never just call and ask how you are doing.. We had many fun times together but over the course of our lifetime, it became more and more draining.

I knew she would require more of a commitment than before.  I couldn’t commit, I just couldn’t do it.  I also could not take time away from other people that had been there for me in the last few years.  I could not be stressed about it anymore or feel like I disappointed her.  We might be friends again, but I mentally can’t do it right now.

I had to just say no I can’t do it. I had to say no I didn’t have the time to see her or come running.  I needed to put myself first.

I had always been the person that tried to do everything for my friends, even ones that I really didn’t feel that close to.   The old me would have put my needs aside to help her with her needs.  Yes, that is all great.  But after many times of not receiving the same treatment back, it becomes so exhausting and draining.   In the past, I had set myself up to fail…I finally realized I do not have to keep friends that drain me… Or keep one’s that take me away from things I felt were important in life.  I do not say yes to every event or activity that I am invited to anymore.  I have learned to hang out with friends that have the same interests as I do.  I have just had to let some friends fade out.

I try to eliminate the drama with friends. I will step away. I like friendships to come naturally and not be a lot of work.  I do not want to plan a fun night out and have it ruined by fighting or making others feel uncomfortable.  Or be with someone that needs to be the center of attention..

I have learned to set boundaries with certain friends.  It actually works!  I have friends that I love for many reasons, but I need to set boundaries.  Some friends I do not have more than one drink with or do not spend much time with outside of certain activities.  Or some friends I can only see for short periods.  It might sound selfish, but it is what keeps our friendship together.

I think the older I get the more I have realized that I do not need a lot of friends.  I do not have the time for all the drama.   I do not have to be friends with everyone.  I choose my time very wisely because it’s limited.  I learned to say no to big events and concentrate on smaller ones with the people that I really love.   I do not need to attend every halloween party, birthday party, work social, or christmas get together.

Friendships in your 40’s should be easy..the friends that stop by at 6 and don’t leave until midnight because you start doing a puzzle and laughing… Those are the friendships that I want to  last a lifetime.

-Snarky

 

https://www.snarkydivorcedgirl.com/blog

The Whole Pie

The whole pie…

I have shared with you all there are certain things I am hesitant to share.

I have been told I can be hard to know. Not as a person but in relationships. I don’t share, I put my guard up.

It’s definitely something I am working on and working through.

God bless my therapist.

At the core of it is trust. While in my day to day I see the best in people sometimes to a fault. For people I am in relationships with I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

That blueprint was laid down early on. If I’m being honest, I think I have only had two relationships my whole life where I wasn’t cheated on. I will own some of this. I tend to fall for the men who in conversations I end my sentences with he’s not like that when he’s with me. He promises he won’t. He will by a certain date.

The irony is I come from a family where my parents have been married for over forty plus years. They are loving and supportive.

Where did I learn that wasn’t what I deserved? When did I become “The Fixer of Broken Boys”?

I honestly don’t know.

The older my daughter gets, the more I realize I have to make sure I show her what a healthy relationship looks like. 

Sad thing is here I sit at almost fifty and guess what? I am just starting to have one.

Now you know that.

We still have some mountains to climb and we have our moments, but for the first time since I became a single Mom, I think this person might be someone worthy of my daughter.

That is saying something because well, I have been single since she was two and she’s twelve.

I have someone who doesn’t dismiss me when I am upset. The phrase “I am not trying to lessen how you feel…” , has actually been used when he has been perhaps sharing his side of a disagreement.

I feel like I can let down my walls. Here’s the thing. They are those electric mall kind, so I can just as quickly put them back up. But they’re firmly in the middle right now. That’s a start.

My best friend, who is also a single Mom and has known me since I was thirteen, shared with me a beautiful post about you should be in a relationship that feels like you have the whole pie. 

I don’t have the whole pie just yet but I definitely have a pretty big slice.

As I do I’m sending you love Mommas.

<3 Caprise

Let Your Single Friends Be Single

Let your single friends be single…

I was out with some friends a few weeks ago, just having a fun night with my friends for a birthday celebration, and then it starts…the classic “I need to find you a boyfriend”…

I am a smart confident woman, with a career, friends, a great family and 3 amazing kids.  What makes you think that a boyfriend or relationship is my top priority???

 

#1- When I say I am not looking for a relationship I mean it…

I love my friends! I spent 13 years in a marriage that kept me from being myself. I am loving the last couple years of learning about what I want in life. I am loving learning to do things alone. I am loving finding out what I want in a relationship.  I need to figure out all those things before I can get into a serious relationship.

When I say I am not looking for a relationship, it’s like they can not hear me.  But why do they think they can find the man of my dreams and I can’t… I feel I have a pretty good judge of character, so I’m guessing I could probably find one on my own.

 

#2-Always being auctioned off…

Do you know how annoying it is that when you go to drinks with your friends they try and raffle you off…like it’s a meat raffle.  Or they pick out guys that they think are single at the bar and try and get their attention for you. Or they ask the servers or bartenders if they are single…

Maybe your single friends just want to go out with their friends and catch up. They don’t always want to be singled out as the “single” friend. It might not even be a top priority for them.  And I get so nervous when I feel singled out. I am not the type of person that likes to be the center of attention, so I usually never even talk to the person.

Right now,  I really do not want to be set up with my friends co-worker, brother, neighbor, or the dad on the soccer team…

But why do friends think they can find the man of my dreams and I can’t… I’m guessing I could probably find one on my own.  But they are all determined to find me the “one”. The one.. the ultimate dream guy for me.

 

#3-Listen to your single friends…

I know it’s hard for my friends to understand that maybe I am not hunting down the “one”.  That maybe when I say I am not ready to get into a relationship I am actually telling the truth.

Maybe it’s a good idea to ask your friends why they are single?  Maybe it’s many reasons.. maybe they are concentrating on other things in their life right now, maybe they had a hard break up in the past, maybe they don’t want to get hurt… there are many things that make people not focus on not getting into a relationship.

Relationships and dating are hard.  They take a lot of work and are a huge time commitment.  I follow many different single women websites, and there are many women out there that have just given up on dating.  They have had bad experiences with online dating and just don’t want to waste time anymore.

My 94 year old grandma told me on Christmas that I better start dating because I don’t have much time left.. I laughed and said “ ohh grandma I’m not even going to think about dating until I’m 60”.

I am so content in my lifestyle now, but at times I go back and forth with dating. There are times when I do feel really alone from not being in a relationship.  I worry at times about not being alone once my kids are grown.  It is a very scary feeling to think about years from now.  I go through periods of time when I think I should get into a relationship.  I do date occasionally, but it’s mostly just for companionship.

I received the best advice a couple weeks ago from someone.. I was venting about not wanting to be in a relationship and why am I so different than my other friends that are in relationships. I kept saying, “what’s wrong with me..I was mentioning how it is just not a priority for me, but at times I feel like I should be dating”.

She said, you just need to do what you want and not worry about what you “think” you should be doing…Sometimes an almost stranger can say something to you that just clicks.

So if you have that friend that is constantly pushing a relationship on you or trying to set you up with their kids soccer coach, somehow get them to listen to you.

Maybe you just say listen here

“Joanne from Nebraska … I don’t want you to find me a man.. I’m happy with my life… are you listening to me”….

Be honest with your friends and tell them what you want right now. Tell them what you are excited about in your life, tell them it’s not the right time, or just tell them to just listen to you…

-Snarky

https://www.snarkydivorcedgirl.com/

She Does Know

She does know…

The last couple blogs I have been zooming in on how there have been moments lately which have caught me off guard, in honestly the most beautiful way.

I am trying really hard to relish these moments because they are precious. They are rare, but they are there.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays I pick up my daughter from her Dad’s. On the drive I have a group of friends who I call. The calls are short but they are important and it is sometimes it’s  the only time I can talk to some of my friends.

I call the people in this group my Tuesday/Thursday night phone call club.

One of the members changed it up and called me on a Friday night. Said friend I have known for almost two plus decades and lives on the other side of the country. So even though my daughter was about to get in the car I kept talking and just let her know who was on the phone.

They bantered back and forth then I let my friend know we needed to wrap it up. I wanted to chat a bit with G about her day.

My friend says… “G do me a favor take care of your Mom. I am far away so I can’t and she means a lot to me and a lot of people ok?”

My sweet daughter grabs my hand and says the following and please know I’m paraphrasing, lol.

“I will. I love my Mom. I know she gave up a lot for me and I will fight for her because I love her.”

Here’s the thing. I know my daughter loves me. What I didn’t know is that she believes I have given things up for her. I didn’t know she realized this. I will be honest it’s a few days later and I’m still surprised.

Why is this important?

Mommas- they see us. They know.  They know. How often have you felt deflated or defeated because you felt like they didn’t.

Well.. guess what they do. They really, truly, do.

You’re doing amazing Mommas.

 

<3 Caprise

The Dreaded Day Of Valentine

The dreaded day of Valentine….This has always been a tough holiday for me. Since I can remember, I have struggled with being a single person on this day. When I was in college, I decided that I would start taking myself out on dates. I called them “Jesus dates.” It was just me and Him and we’d go and I would actually communicate with Him and treat myself to dinner and a movie. I continued these little dates about once a month or so regardless of the Valentine’s Day stuff and tried to value myself during these moments. It got me through young adulthood.

Then, as a full-on adult, still single with no prospects, I ran into an old friend who introduced me to a guy from another country. He was cute. He had a nice butt. I told him so. It was love at first sight.  I was in my 30s by this time. Our short whirlwind ended in marriage and our first Valentine’s Day was spent watching The Walking Dead. My husband bought me chocolates and he drew a picture for me. He drew the praying hands from scratch. He knew I was (and still am) a woman of Faith and drew the praying hands. I wish I still had that drawing. It was the first and last best Valentine’s Day ever.

Now, with about 10 additional years and two children in tow, it’s just me again. A party of one. With onesies… I have returned to being alone on this dreaded day, but I have kids now. They see everything.

EVERY. THING.

How do I navigate these waters without teaching them that I absolutely have no love for this holiday, for what this holiday currently means? I must decide every year to approach it head on for them. At some point, I’ll teach them the history, but in the meantime, I will have to show them how to love their peers and teachers. Last year, I bought my kids silk roses and mini hearts with chocolates inside. They turned around and gave the silk roses back to me when they saw I did not have any in my own hand. They shared their candy with me, too. The silk roses are still in my kitchen where they gave them back to me. This year, we went to the Dollar Tree and bought each of their teachers a customized gift. That was fun for the kids. It helped me not be depressed or angry this year as I pursue a divorce or reel from the loss of several friends or other significant relationships or jobs or what-have-you.

The Dreaded Day of Valentine is just another day this year. This is better than it being a day to look forward to hating.

~ALG~

Co-Parenting Is Not For Everyone

When I was going thru my divorce,  my ex and I always said the children will come first.. we will always agree on that. Co-parenting…Yes, I believed that fairy tale just like many others.  I believed we would sit next to each other at soccer games and celebrate birthdays together.  I really believed all that…

Fast forward, we now have very different parenting views.  Co-parenting is very difficult for us. The amount of communication between the two of us is minimal.  I know everyone says that you need to co-parent for the children, however in some situations you have to do what is best for you.  We tried to spend birthday celebrations together but it was uncomfortable for everyone and mostly the children. I dreaded every birthday, which I realized was so sad because I love birthdays and I love celebrating my kids birthdays.  The children eventually did not want to even celebrate it together.    

So for the first couple of years after our divorce, I would go along with all the co-parenting and trying to play nice with him.  I would go along with his parenting ideas and discipline for the children. He had an opinion for every decision and strong opinions. This was difficult for my children, since he had never been the one to discipline.  They did not know how to respond or act to his strong strict behavior. They did not understand why they were never given choices or independence.  

I stayed home with my kids when we were married, I was the one that was the disciplinary, and I was the one that handled all of the parenting decisions.  My ex did not have much of an input on any of those areas. I asked him but he would trust my judgement and agree. Unfortunately after our divorce, he was trying to parent our children in such a different style then they had grown up with over the years.  It was more of an authoritative style, which they were not used to. Kinda like you do this because I said so style..without a valid reason why.  

I would let him speak to me however he wanted to me.  I would feel like a failure as a mother when I received emails from him constantly questioning my parenting.  I would receive emails on his strong parenting views that made me question my decisions… why? I am a damn good parent.  I have always stood by my decisions and now I was allowing self doubt. I was allowing this from someone that never wanted an input in our decisions.   I allowed all of this because I felt guilty for wanting the divorce. I did not want to cause additional friction between us and I felt it was best for the kids. I had read all the books and articles on how you need to co-parent…. 

Well thank god I came to my senses… The reason I divorced my husband was because I was not happy.  And I should not feel guilty for that. So I finally realized that trying to co-parent was not working for us.  I realized that I was not going to fake it through birthday celebrations, soccer games, and conferences.  

I realized that doing those activities independently was my choice and I needed that.  I needed to make that decision for me and my children. I wasn’t dreading participating in those activities anymore.  

I wanted to remember all of these moments with my children. I wanted them to remember how fun those times were with them.  I did not want them to remember that they were forced or made to feel uncomfortable. And my kids could see how uncomfortable it was for all of us.  I didn’t want to make them participate in these fake get togethers because the text book said co-parenting is the best.

My children and I have built a great life in the last 5 years and we are really happy. Not just facebook happy, but truly happy.  What I post is us being happy. We have fun together and we like doing things together. They understand that their dad and I have different views on parenting, life, and discipline.  They understand what is expected at each household and that it is different. They understand that people have different views and expectations…. I have learned to let them develop their own thoughts and views on the different households and that works for us.   And I have learned that I need to do what works for our family…

-Snarky

https://www.snarkydivorcedgirl.com/blog

My Friend Bill

I would like to tell you about my friend Bill. You may know him. He’s made a few movies. Big sports buff. Very quirky and he got his start on one of my favorite television shows.

When things in my life were feeling their lowest I started looking for positive outlets.

Me being me I needed them. It couldn’t be a glass of wine that would easily turn into a bottle. It couldn’t be a beautiful pastry my sweet tooth doesn’t ever seem to know when to stop.

It couldn’t be a trip to Target because it would mean a cart full of things I have no budget for.

It couldn’t be a night out because it can’t.

So…

I listen to music.

I read.

Watch movies, but I will be honest I am also easily distracted. 

I began digging deeper.

Looking for those things that would fill the gaps but wouldn’t lend themselves to my somewhat self destructive old habits.

Dear friends, I’ve sugar coated them. My bad habits.

Maybe a blog for another day.

Around this same time I watched the Razor’s Edge and Stripes. Two decidedly different movies from Bill Murray.

I mentioned to a friend how amazing I thought Bill Murray was. He suggested I read The Tao of Bill Murray.

My new friendship was born. Bill just doesn’t know it.

I also started digging into some amazing quotes from his.

As silly as it sounds these quotes have me some perspective I needed.

Here’s one:

“Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and make bad decisions.”

Welp… lol, yes.

But this one, this is the stuff.

“Don’t think about your errors or failures, otherwise you’ll never do a thing.”

That is exactly what started happening. I got so bogged down by all of the things that went wrong, I either didn’t do anything or did WAY too much.

I always looked for the other ball to drop. The bad.

I keep saying this but not only is 48 my year of no filter it’s also the year I work hard at happy. The year maybe I can give that happy to other people too.  As it has been to me in so many ways. One in particular a picture of one of my Chewbaccas with the man himself. It’s my screensaver and it makes me smile.

There are still going to be bad days, but to paraphrase my friend Bill… maybe it will be a day that a slice of pizza and cold beer can make feel better.

Much love Mommas

<3 Caprise