Tag Archives: relationship

Can You Get That For Me?

Can you get that for me?…

I was all set to write about my California adventures but something more important has happened.

My daughter is now taller than me.

I’m gonna need a moment.

Now granted I’m 5ft 2in so I am a small person, but she’s eleven.

Eleven (!)

I already feel like our lives go a million seconds a minute now this.

She of course is elated.

Me….

My heart is breaking.

She already doesn’t need me to tuck her in.

She will ask me if I’m going to leave when I go in her room after work to say hi.

Is this going to make her need me less?

I already have not the stage where things I do embarrass her. Although by virtue of who I am that feels like a challenge.

Also I am pretty sure the people in the car next to us at the stoplight DO enjoy my singing along loudly to Jump Around.

Even if she doesn’t.

I realize we are hitting those years and I am scared. I feel like I haven’t done enough. I’m not ready.

I’m not ready for her not to need me.

I’m not ready for her to be taller than me.

Or maybe I am.

Now I have someone who can get stuff off the shelf for me.

So there’s that.

She’s an amazing kid and I knew this day was coming- just maybe not this fast.

For now I’ll take solace in the fact tonight she still wanted a hug at bedtime.

We got this Mommas

Or at least we’re gonna pretend we do.

<3 Caprise

How Do I Pick Out Curtains?

Who knew of all the different types of curtains that are available these days… seriously.. .All I know is that now I am picking out these things all by myself. I had rented a house with a million windows and all I needed was curtains. ughh… seems easy doesn’t it.

I spent months in the divorce process and then its final. Where do you start? What do you do with your life now? So many questions running through your head.. For months I had lived in a bubble, just getting through the day and not thinking anything else. What do you do first after your divorce? Many you have never worked or even lived by yourself, but now at age 40 you are on your own. You get to pick out your own curtains or your own furniture. You don’t have to ask anyone’s opinion, which can be exciting and scary at the same time. Or the other side is now you have no one to ask the easy questions too.. I did not know of all the small decisions I would need to make by myself.

I had lived in a bubble for so long. Going through all the emotions and then when the divorce process starts It takes over your life. And once its final, you have to stop and think what do I do now. I think we all get ahead of ourselves and want to build this new life so fast. I think the best advice I can give anyone that is starting over after divorce is to take it slow and learn about yourself. It’s hard for me to remember the days or months right after my divorce, I think I was in such a bubble or daze throughout the process that it’s hard to remember all the changes. It was being on constant autopilot and no time to process the changes that I was going through. We all want to put our kids first and make sure they are happy, however its so important that we are learning to be happy also.

Take time to really learn about what you now want. Some days will really suck, you learn you need to do things all by yourself. You might have never picked out your own curtains, so this is new to you you and it might take you a day to make that decision or it might take you months…either way, it doesn’t matter because you did it. Some days you might want to lay in your robe until 2pm and do nothing, and you can… You can take the time and do what you need. Start figuring out what you want in your life for you.

You might make one decision by yourself and you should celebrate. Something that seems so small might be your biggest accomplishment. Take the wins!!

Snarkydivorcedgal (www.snarkydivorcedgal.com)

You Got This Mommas

You got this mommas…

Every week late Sunday afternoon I curl up somewhere with a beverage, music, blanket, and my iPad and start to write a post that will appear here.

I always try to find something I hope that will resonate with someone. Maybe help. Make someone laugh. Feel better.

The irony that my maternal instincts kick in, even when dealing with something like a blog post isn’t lost on me.

As I write this – it’s Mother’s Day. I will share with you that while I was never a 100 percent about getting married I always knew I wanted to be a Mom.

I am far from a traditional Mom and my own daughter sometimes compares me to a teenager on occasion, but I have always and will always put her first.

I worry and overthink when it comes to her. I try not to Tiger Mom her too much. I maybe get too much joy out of singing loudly to a song she doesn’t like in our car rides together.

Meals can sometimes be more like snacks.

She definitely gets too much time on her iPad.

I let her have two swear words a day.

My heart hurts when she is at her Dad’s, even though when she’s home we are rarely in the same room.

I love being silly with her. That she is almost taller than me.

Being a Mom is the best thing, deciding to do it alone was one of the hardest decision I ever made. I still worry about it, but I also needed to be a healthy, happy Mom for G. I still have my moments…

I will never be a PTA Mom. I send gift cards and emails to school. I am thankful for her teachers and her grandparents who have helped me to raise such a beautiful, funny, smart and kind spirit.

I don’t look like the other Moms with my tattoos and piercings, but I look like her and when she asks me to I dress up or down – I do. I love that we both like Vans and fun t-shirts.

In all of this ramble this is my point… no one is the perfect Momma. She doesn’t exist. But what you are is a Momma who is doing amazing on her own terms with her whole heart and that’s what it’s all about.

At least I hope so.

You do got this Mommas

<3 Caprise

New To Online Dating

I was texting Lilly as I sat in my car in the Starbucks parking lot. The wind was howling outside, and I was waiting to meet the newest guy I met through an online dating app, for a quick coffee. While I hate the process, I decided to dabble in the exercise for the sake of experience.  After all, I did some research and uncovered that 75% of current relationships were started online so there may be something to it.

Me: Where are you?

Lilly: Home cooking

Me: Okay, I’m at the Starbucks parking lot meeting Joe. I’m not sure how his height is going to be, but I need to just get it over with and see.

Lilly: What Starbucks are you at?

Me: The one by my house. Lol

Lilly: lol

Me: Call me in 20 minutes. If I pick up, ask me for a ride and I’ll let him know I need to leave.

Lilly: Ok

 From her quick response, I immediately knew she was preoccupied and would mess it up in one way or another but that’s when I saw him speed up in his white Jeep Cherokee so I didn’t have time to call her to clarify details. I was immediately grateful for the two vodka nips I picked up and guzzled before I decided to meet him at Starbucks. He hopped out his car and I when say hopped out, that’s exactly what I mean. He needed to hop to reach the ground. Ok here we go…

I got out of my car and smiled brightly. We gave a friendly side hug before we ran in to get out of the cold. The café was warm and empty. As we stood in line, he chatted animatedly about many things all at once. I was gorgeous; my hair smelled good like strawberry; it was freezing outside; he just took a shower at the gym and he knew exactly what coffee he wanted to order.

My initial impression (because we were at eye level) was he had soft kind eyes and small features. His lips were large but slightly chapped. His hat was faced backwards and was most likely the smallest hat he could find in an adult size but it was still too big. I felt the urge to tap it off his head and throw it across the counter. I could feel my anxiety rising. Why am I being mean?

“How can I help you?”, a visibly irritated female barista asked as I stood at the menu board with a confused look on my face. My look wasn’t about whether I wanted a tall or venti coffee. I was thinking about the little person standing behind me and imagined him excitedly assessing my ass. I wanted to kick him away.

Joe saved the day by ordering a fancy long latte that he obviously drank regularly. To save myself from further irritation, I said, “I’ll have the same in decaf.” Last thing I need is to be up all night with this damn coffee

While he waited for his fancy latte, I walked away and found two chairs in the corner that we could sit in. I was thinking Lilly had about 10 more minutes to call me and ask me for a ride.

I sat down and waited for him to join me. He picked up our two coffees and as he walked toward me to sit down with a huge smile, I fought the urge to push him out the way and run out to my car before anyone came in and recognized me. I imagined what they would say. I saw Nadia today talking to a little person.  She must have been interviewing him for a job! That’s so nice! That’s a good alibi. I thought. Let me cross my leg and put my professional voice on.

Joe takes his seat, hands me his coffee and exclaims how happy he is that I didn’t catfish him. He can’t believe I look just like my pictures. I smile a big toothy smile but a small part of me wonders if there is a hidden camera somewhere capturing my knee shaking as I resist the chance to point out that although his face looks the same as the selfies he sent me, the camera must have added an enlargement detail.

He is good at keeping the conversation geared toward himself and I’m forced to sit through understanding the Keto diet, how he lost 20 pounds in one month by following it and why certain political policies are not bad. My phone finally rings. I’m thrilled to grab it out of my jacket and see Lilly’s name.

Me: Hi!

Lilly: Hey how’s it going?!

Me: Oh really, What time? You need a ride?

Lilly: No! I’m cooking now (ugh I knew she would forget the code)

Me: Yes, don’t worry. I’ll be there soon!

Lilly: Well I’m still cooking. The food won’t be done for another hour!

Me: Ok, bye see you soon!

I hung up before she could talk anymore and ruin my cover. I looked up with a look of disappointment.

“Is everything okay?” The poor fellow eyes me with concern.

“Oh yes that was my best friend. She is going to need a ride later to her mom’s house so I will need to go get her soon.”

“Oh, that’s too bad I was going to invite you to my house and make you some wings in the air fryer. You would love it!”

“Aww, maybe next time! Well at least I have a few more minutes to finish our coffee.”

The next 5 minutes I noticed his knuckles were hairy, his teeth were tiny like they belonged in a 7-year old’s mouth and the first two were pointed toward each other. His size 5 sneaker dangled daintily as he easily crossed his leg while he broke down the latest recipe that he was planning to cook under the Keto diet guidelines (It’s a lifestyle).

Long story short, I got through my pretend job interview by being slightly buzzed, bored and determined to follow through on this coffee date. I gave him a breakdown on why I am not ready for a relationship and how basically I’m just meeting people to hang out with sometimes. He seemed to accept that and understand my explanation for not wanting to make immediate next day plans, but I could tell he would text me later that day.

I gave him a kiss on the cheek and a hug goodbye then breathed a sigh of relief that I had gotten through it without running into anyone or crying. As I drove toward Lilly’s house to eat and hopefully drink a glass of wine, I laughed out loud at the absurd circumstances in my life that brought me to Joe and our “interview” at Starbucks. Dating is going to be brutal. I dread the day that I find someone that I’m attracted to only to watch him take a call from his friend giving him a way out.

I guess the trick to this bullshit is to keep laughing because if I don’t find humor in it, the alternative may be to get stuck in my own mind, become bitter and lose the opportunity to meet someone that just may be what I need in this stage of my life…Nothing is permanent after all. At the very least, I’m inspiring stories and that alone is worth the 30 minutes in Starbucks looking at small teeth as I conversated with an entertaining character.

Update: He text me later that night and the next day and made it clear he was not happy that he noticed I was still logged on to the dating app. Needless to say, I politely wished him well.

~Lyn Melody

Back In The Pool

Going back in the pool.

I have gently alluded to what I’m about to write about in a few blogs.

It’s a tricky thing when you write a blog like this. On one hand I know by sharing there is a chance I may help someone or make someone laugh. On the other hand I am putting a piece of me and sometimes someone else out in the universe.

That is hard enough to do normally but when you are a person who like me is incredibly guarded… let’s just say every week when I submit these I’m surprised by what I share.

However, in this case I have a blessing and strong encouragement so away we go.

So I’m dating again.

Not plural.

Just one person. He was a surprise and the more I get to know him the more I want to know him. I have broken a lot of rules for him and let me just say he is the most patient human.

He also likes to get me to get outside of my comfort zone.

For example eating at a restaurant I normally wouldn’t choose like…

Hooters.

Are you laughing yet?

Maybe rolling your eyes.

Or perhaps raising your fist in solidarity?

Here’s the thing while in college, I had a handful of friends who made quite a living off of working at Hooters. But I just could never see myself eating there.

Until a few weeks ago.

Him: Wanna get dinner tonight?

Me: Yes please

Him: How do you feel about wings?

Me: Love ‘em

Him: See ya at Hooters at 630

Me: (in a squeak…) ok

Him: You will be fine, seriously the food is good.

Me: Sure

I met him in the parking lot and he gave me his normal bear hug and kiss on my forehead. Held my hand and away we went.

As soon as the young ladies at the host stand said Welcome to Hooters… my face. So red.

Here’s the thing.

A couple actually… Hooters now (I’m going to go out on a limb) is decidedly different than the Hooters from my college days. Let’s start with the outfits, there were men working there, families (!) eating there and yes Mommas the wings were really good.

So much so, that when I left with my person I said I would come back, and I would.

But this isn’t really about Hooters.

It’s about stepping outside your comfort zone. It is easy to not try new things because you’re afraid or you believe it may be a certain way. Like for example- dating.

I am not going to tell you dating as a single parent is rough. You know.

I am not going to tell you dating as a woman of a certain age isn’t scary. You know that too.

I am not going to tell you that it’s a lot to put yourself out there after being made to feel like a failure by someone who didn’t deserve you. You know.

What I will tell you …

I am learning there is someone in my life who makes me feel more beautiful at 47 than I ever did at 25. Who asks about my day. Wants to know my G. Can tell when I’m sad. Surprises me. Supports my dreams. Sends me music.

Makes me teary as I write this- because for the first time in a long time I am not afraid to talk about a future. I can actually see it.

And yes, makes me want to break more rules.

I still have a life jacket near the edge of the proverbial pool,but I don’t know Mommas, kinda glad I got some wings at Hooters.

 

<3 Caprise

The Last Time

I am a few weeks away from taking a solo trip to California. The last time I took a trip by myself G was almost 2 and a half and it was to New Orleans to spend some time with my best friend.

It was also a chance for me to decide if I was ready to leave my husband.The writing had been on the wall for a long time. Even leading up to our wedding. But as I had come off an extremely abusive relationship, my soon to be husband seemed like the change. A new start I needed.

Except he wasn’t.

There were so many flags.

Some I still can’t talk about because I’m ashamed I let those things happen to me a second time. I let someone once again hurt me. I still remember being out with a group of friends and my ex. He sat in the corner his arms crossed and sulked the whole night. These were women who had been in my life for years. Suddenly he was making me question them and myself. Were we too much? Was I?

Or being put with his friends, all of them by the way college drop outs with extremely high IQ’s teasing me,a woman with two BA’s about loving pop culture as much as I did. He didn’t defend me. He joined in. My BA was a waste. I was just a glorified babysitter. His sister at dinner questioning why I ate like I did.

There’s so much I could unpack here, but it’s already been buzzing in my brain with this trip coming up.

You put up with a lot when you think you have no choice. When you think you deserve it. When you are afraid of change. When you are afraid of being alone or failing.That trip was the balm I needed. The reminder I was absolutely not all the things I let him tell me I was.

Leaving was hard. He absolutely did not make it easy and he actually didn’t grant me a divorce for several years. Even now he reminds me what he thinks of me. I think you know it’s not good.

As a result I hid from a lot of people I care about because I was so ashamed I let this happen to me. I am ashamed to say… I still do.

I pride myself on being a strong, independent person.

Not someone who had panic attacks when the clocks strikes 430 because that means my husband will be home and the house needs to look a certain way.

Not someone who cared so much about how I looked.

He hated my hair a certain way.

Tattoos.

Certain clothes.

Even food I ate.

Not someone who can’t decorate my current house in a certain shade of green because that was the only color he allowed me to decorate in.

I am still not the best at a lot of things.

Loud noises can be too much. Specifically any kind of sounds in a kitchen. Maybe another blog…

I tend to go inside myself rather than ask for help.

I take a long time to trust someone.

I cut my hair off, am covered in tattoos and piercings.

I have become a homebody.

But at the end of the day I don’t think my ex is a bad person – I mean I have G. Except he is maybe not a husband person, at least not for someone like me. Obviously.

We are still trying to figure out co-parenting. It goes without saying it’s a huge work in progress.

About 70% he’s a pretty good Dad. 30% I do genuinely want to throat punch him.

Last but not least if I have learned anything.

If someone loves me, they love me.

They have my back.

I am stronger than I think I am.

I will always put G first and make sure she always knows it’s beautiful to be yourself and anyone who doesn’t think do absolutely doesn’t deserve you.

I’m looking forward to a trip this time just to go be.

Not figure anything out.

Just be.

 

Hugs Mommas

<3 Caprise

How Do You Do It All?

I get asked all the time how I do it.  “It” referring to working full time, taking care of a household, and raising four boys each with a different personality. I used to struggle and question my parenting style; for example do I parent like I was raised or do I parent like society says I should parent.

Then not so long ago I had an ephiany. I realized I need to keep doing what I’m doing. When my two younger boys, ages 12 and 14, are at each other’s throats, I try and remain calm and ask them what happened. Most of the time they talk and yell over each other and in the end I’m the one yelling.  That is okay because after some self reflection I tell myself I will try and do better the next time.

The truth is there is a combination of things that go into how I parent, work full time and take care of my household.  First of all, I pray for patience, patience, and more patience. Second, I do my self care routine. My routine consists of putting my kids to bed and watching TV or getting on social media.  I also like to go to the tanner or go for walks with friends. I realized long ago self care is not selfish. I know I cannot be there for my job or my kids if I’m a hot mess. Humor is also a very important piece of my daily routine.  I laugh at myself several times a day. Like when I’m looking for my phone while it is in my hand or when I am shopping and jump when I see my reflection in a mirror and say excuse me thinking it was another person.

I have to remember I am human and I am not perfect.  Mistakes are made daily and that is okay, because I am blessed beyond measure and I get to wake up every day and try again.  If I can tell myself at the end of the day that I put everything I had into being the best that I can be I know my kids will turn out okay.

 

Yours Truly,

Anne Smith- A Working & Single Mother

I Am Not Broken

I am not broken.

This past holiday weekend a blow up with my daughter over me wanting to see what she was watching on her iPad resulted in her sharing she feels responsible for her Dad and I not getting along.

I meant to write about how happy I am it’s Spring and how much I love the beautiful weather and I am.

I can not adequately put into words how good it is for my soul to wear sandals and open windows and feel the breeze.

But as much as I want to celebrate the new season my heart hurts that my daughter feels any kind of responsibility for things between her Dad and I.

I think I did things backwards with G.

But let’s be honest, there is no guide when you get divorced. Maybe I did things just right and she’s just hitting the age where she can see it.

Or maybe after nine years I’m worn out from trying to hide it.

Either way my heart sank when she said she doesn’t like knowing her  Dad and I don’t like each other.

She feels like I’m hurt, broken.

I stopped her.

For starters while I’m not her Dad’s biggest fan. I don’t not like him. But he makes some not great choices and G usually tends to be in the vicinity when he does.

I also let her know she is my sun, my moon, and my stars. Being her Mom actually fixed me. Being her Mom is the best thing in the world. She is the best thing in my world.

Not being with her Dad, while it’s not where I’d thought I’d be.

I’m happy.

And Mommas my heart is sinking that she thinks me being alone, not getting along with her Dad means I’m not happy.

This would be about the time I throw in a fun quote or try to lighten the mood.

I’m tapped.

I’m alone on Easter.

The only store that’s open already put their Easter candy away, and somehow I have to get in my daughter’s head and heart absolutely nothing between her Dad and I is her fault.

I thought I had.

Aww Mommas… this is a toughie

<3 Caprise

Please Forgive My Trespasses

I was that girl in yoga.

The one lying in savasana that would stare at the ceiling tiles, tears falling down my face.

Breathe in.

“My husband doesn’t love me.”

Breathe out.

“My husband doesn’t love me.”

Is this really happening?

It was the most difficult time that I had experienced in life, and my then husband of 10 years was choosing to leave me.  Little-by-little, he was pulling away.

My entire world was being shaken.

I heard a sermon recently, and the preacher described trespasses this way: Trespasses are sins that we are fully aware of.  It’s a willful choosing to sin against God and against another person.

His words still sometimes break my heart.  “I know this is wrong, but I’m doing it anyway.”

Trespass.

Truthfully, I thought I needed him.  I really did.  I needed to have a friend walk with me through this.  My sister was dying of cancer.

Instead, his response was a hardening of his heart.  He wasn’t a friend.

Often, new trauma awakens hidden trauma and I was a big mess.  Panic attacks and sleepless nights.

Trauma also has a way of exposing what relationships are made out of.

The best thing he ever did for me was suggest that instead of couple’s therapy, we go see our own counselors.

So, I went.

I went and learned that you can’t force anyone to change, but learned that I could change.

I thought, by changing me, the relationship would change.  And it did, but not in the way I thought it would.

Because all his accusations were lies that I believed built to manipulate me into his point of view.  I truly believed that I was solely to blame for why our marriage didn’t work.

If I was just skinnier, then he’d be happy with me.  If I kept my mouth shut, instead of being me, then he’d be ok with me.  If I just changed what he told me was wrong about me, then he’d love me.  If I was less sensitive…. If I wasn’t “crazy”… The list goes on and on…

Oh, hey there codependency.

Reality was, though, that the marriage was built on a foundation of emotional control and abuse.  It was never a reciprocal relationship.  It was never healthy.

The day I walked about of my counselor’s office after she pointed out that I wasn’t the controlling one, I felt like a million weights had been lifted off my shoulder.

And that night I dreamt of leeches being pulled out of my brain and in the dream, when I looked in the mirror, my face was beaten up.

You see, he almost had me convinced.

It was like walking out of a haze – a fog – into clear day.

According to him, I’m a psycho path.  He doesn’t even try to mask it anymore.  No more undercurrent of subtle tones.

But he doesn’t own my mind and he doesn’t know my heart and what he says isn’t truth.

Breathe in.

“He doesn’t own my mind”

Breathe out.

“I’m worth being loved well”

And now, here I am.  Sorting out fact from fiction and healing.

Some days I struggle, because the pain of betrayal and heart break is a heavy weight, and that’s bad enough.

But the biggest struggle of letting go is being mocked for my heart being broken by the one who broke it.

And I have to choose to let go and forgive.  Even if it’s a broken choice, it’s still a choice.

The weight of unforgiveness is heavier than heartbreak.

And quite honestly, I need my trespasses forgiven.

Thanks ladies!
“The Beloved One”

I Wondered..Why Me?

I Wondered..Why Me?

I found myself yelling up at God.  Pointing up to the ceiling …. “YOU!  You did this!” “How could You?!” and in the next breath, with tears running down my face, “Why God, Why?”   There’s my boyfriend who had just taken his life and here I stood.

Devastated.

Confused.

Angry.

My heart ached.

My tears fell.

My soul hurt.

And nothing made sense.

I knew, like I KNEW, that God had put us together. There is no way I would have met this man otherwise.  My prayers were answered when he came into my life.  It was a miracle.  That’s all I can say.  A miracle.  So WHY?  WHY oh WHY would God have this happen?  I had no answers.

What seemed like hours …were only minutes.   I stood there yelling to the heavens.  Pointing up, still.  I continued to question God, to yell at God.  The God of the Universe.  The God of ALL.  The God who knew far more about me and my life than I could possibly ever know or thought that I already did know.  And I was yelling at Him?  “Why ME?  You knew I was coming!”  I shouted.  “You knew I would find him!  You picked me to find him.”  “WHY!?”

I was furious.  Furious that my boyfriend died.  Furious that here I was all alone.  Furious that God picked me to find him.  If God knows all… well then He knew I was going to be there that day, right?  Then He picked me, right?   Tears.   Anguish.  Upset.

And just as fast as a flash of lightning hits a flagpole. I was struck by the Holy Spirit.  My crying changed from tears of maddening rage to honorable blessing.  God picked ME.  ME!  He picked ME!  A powerful chill ran through my bones.  I was God’s miracle in David’s life….his channel of love.  I was picked because I was the one who would take care of it all.   I was God’s Warrior.

I had a sense of gratitude.  Don’t you see…. Why Not Me?  Out of the people who could have loved this man, out of the people who could have honored this man, out of the people who could have made a difference in this man’s life and who would turn this tragedy into something good.  God picked ME.  Why Me?  Oh darling…. Why Not Me?

Your God Girl,

Tracy