Tag Archives: relationship

You Have a Friend In Me

As I rapidly approach my 50th year I am watching my circle of close friends shrink and my circle of acquaintances grow.

I think there’s a couple things at play here. First and foremost the internet good, bad, or otherwise has made it possible for you to “connect” with people you’ve never met.

It also I think makes you feel like the effort that comes with a friendship doesn’t necessarily have to be nurtured. I checked on you on Facebook… we’re good..

Are we?

Before I get too into this, know I am not a friendship nurturer. I’m horrible at it. I suck. SUCK. It’s not that I don’t love and adore my friends I do. I really do. I have some fantastic people in my life…but…

I work in a job where I have to be “on” all day, I have an eleven year old, a side gig… I am the person who needs to recharge. Me declining an invite doesn’t mean I don’t care, I just might need to shut my head off. Thankfully, I’ve gotten much better at telling my friends this. Also, my time with my daughter comes first. Lastly and probably the things that have held me back … being with a group of friends and being completely decimated by a mutual friend. Over a decision that was pretty personal to me at the time. Or having another friend in the heat of my divorce tell me to get over it. Being made to feel like my problems were small by another. This may seem petty but when you’re in it with people you trust you make a decision. Maybe the wrong one. You start keeping yourself so busy you’re not a burden. You don’t share. You hide.

Lucky for me, my current small circle doesn’t give me that pass and will call me out or even on occasion just show up on my doorstep telling me to get dressed we’re going out.

Over the course of the few days they’ve needed me and as the resident insomniac of the group I’m usually up. I also don’t shut my phone off. I know.

I guess where I am going with all of this is you need people, and that is ok. One of my circle remarked friends shouldn’t make you cry unless you’re laughing.

Another has told me I need to live.

A third likes to send me pictures of a certain actor I like.

One gives great Mom advice. I have one who makes me laugh like crazy.

One who always calls me. One who always texts me. One who always teases me. One who loves makeup as much as I do.

Find your circle. Friends really are the family you choose and I’m incredibly disappointed in myself I let the actions of others miss out on some precious time with the circle above.

I am not making that mistake anymore. So I steal moments. One of my closest friends I’ve known since I was 13. It sounds dorky but I call her every morning. My soul sister who has the same birthday as me I make sure to send a message to,just so she knows I’m thinking of her even though I know she’s crazy busy.

Having her message me back “dang I miss you made me cry.”

I send stupid memes to my radio boos.

Lastly and this is a biggie from this guarded girl I told my best friend that he is my best friend.

Because he is.

So how about this… as always, I will be here for you but let’s make sure we let our circle know on the regular what they mean to us.

I’ll start…

I got you Mamas and I appreciate you so much.

<3 Caprise

Battered, Bruised, & Recovering

Hi my name is Ali and I am a recovering battered woman.

My first long term relationship wasn’t a healthy one. A lot of my relationships were not healthy. I picked people that treated me how I thought I deserved to be treated. This comes from being raised by an unhealthy and unstable part of my family, it also came from watching my mom get abused for years before she found the strength to leave her alcoholic ex fiance. Even though I learned my definition of love from these people and situations, it wasn’t their fault that I stayed in these situations. I chose to allow these things to continue and I take full responsibility for my choices, because I am not a victim.

I have had to relearn boundaries, standing up for myself, knowing whats ok and not being to sensitive or nonsensitive to negative behavior. I still struggle with this at times. It is a growing process and I will be growing in these ways for the rest of my life.

To this day I hear anyone raise their voice or hear someone spewing negativity I feel a panic swell in my chest. If I’m excited and nervous around someone new that I like that can trigger the same feeling and racing thoughts.

A big thing is to breathe and remind myself that this person isn’t the person whom has hurt me before. If it is a person how ever that has negatively affected me I take a step back and recoup. I refuse to allow someone else that kind of power over me again and as long as I love and trust myself and stay grounded I have nothing to fear.

I wanted to share this little snippet about myself, to not only let someone who may need to hear it that they are not alone, but that they do not have to live like that anymore. There is a better life waiting for you and it is possible for you too.

 

-Always be unapologetically yourself

Ali

Say What You Need To Say

Noelle’s blog “Never See You Again” provoked me to share. The other day I went to a wake for a very, very sweet and wonderful close girlfriend who took her life. My heart was broken. The tears fell and fell and fell. Yes… a lot of them were for me, because shit…I miss her!!! But other tears were for the memories it provoked of when a boyfriend took his life a few years ago but most of my tears were for her triplets and sisters who are left behind… without her to talk to, to laugh with, to spend time with. I will miss our coffee dates and deep conversations.

One day I’m talking to her and then *BOOM* like a flash of lightning…she’s gone. Life is going this way and then *SNAP* it takes a sharp turn. Dang I wish I had said more to her. I mean, I know that she knows I love her, but I wish I said that more, saw her more, laughed with her more. There are some people…. That every time I talk to them on the phone I end it with “I love you” and others because our conversations are via texting, I end with XOXO. I’ll be adding those to more phone calls & texts for sure.

My girlfriends’ death got me thinking…. What other things need to be said, accomplished, planned, shared …or simply lived out? It pushed me to write a letter to my son telling him in a few paragraphs about the administrative BS he’ll be dealing with when I’m gone and a lot of paragraphs about our relationship, what he means to me, how proud I am of him and the ways he touched my life.

Life is soooo precious. Stop. Today. Take a moment to acknowledge the people in your life. Especially you. AND…. do, plan, share, give, be and LIVE full out. Now. Today. Say what you gotta say!

Before you’re the one who someone loses.

Your God-Girl,. 
xoxo Tracy  

In Case I Never See You Again…

In Case I Never See You Again…

How many of us conduct our relationships based on the phrase above?  I would guess very few.  We think there is plenty of time and plenty of opportunity to fix whatever isn’t working… in a relationship, in a job, with a parent, in a living situation…and so we say things to ourselves like “I will make concessions and settle for less than excellence today because I can do something about it tomorrow”, “I will stay here with him or her today because it is comfortable and easier and less confrontational and later I will experience real intimacy and real joy”, “I will hold onto my animosity and anger for you today because later on I will tell you how I really feel and we will make things right”, “I will withhold my heart from you today because you might hurt me and so I will not share my deepest love with you right now because I will do it later on when it seems safer”…and on and on and on……

Imagine with me for a moment that there was only today…what would not be acceptable to you then?  If there was only today would you waste one, single second withholding yourself, putting things off, accepting unacceptable behavior or putting up with no results???    Would you???

 Or would you throw caution to the wind and change some things…would you forgive people, would you repair relationships, would you get rid of things that didn’t work, would you take chances, would you STOP caring what other people think, would you love like your life depended on it???

Do you know that death is unbearable only when you have unfinished business with the people that died…do you understand that living also becomes unbearable when there is loads of unfinished business and a plethora of words unspoken?

In case I never see you again, what must I say to you right now in this moment to be complete?   What a different life we would have if we were complete in every moment…how that would change us…

Most of us are saving stuff for the right moment…the right moment is now…the world is an interesting place these days….funky people are doing crazy things and that requires some of us to remind others of us to stop waiting for the “right” moment—live your life RIGHT NOW…stop putting up with people and things that don’t work, stop withholding yourself from other people, stop killing your vitality and joy with undelivered communications and unexpressed anger…you think that nobody notices because you are being “nice” instead of being REAL…authenticity is what gives life and sometimes being authentic is very unattractive, however it is real and it is true and it is life altering…

Do you remember the Velveteen Rabbit…only when he was a mess and all his fur was gone and his stuffing was coming out, only then did he become “REAL”…

Real life and real love are messy folks…you have to roll up your sleeves and delve in…authentic is getting all the way in and being real all the way through…sometimes it feels great and sometimes not so great, but all the way along you feel alive…you have to get in there and mix it up—stop looking in from the sidelines waiting for the right moment to live.

It’s like the difference between mixing meatballs with a spoon because you don’t want to get “ all messy” and mixing meatballs with your hands…sleeves rolled up, rings off and you just dig into the bowl and mix it and then you shape the meatballs with your hands…

Careful, brittle people mix things with spoons, they shape meatballs with spoons…they don’t want to get dirty or sticky or messy and those people’s meatballs have dry spots and they don’t taste good because they carry the flavor of a person with an inability to fully experience life…NEWS FLASH : real life is messy, it’s fun, it’s heartbreaking, you can get dirty and broken and you can also experience true, profound JOY…

Live your life folks, mix things with your hands, get in there and roll up your sleeves…another holiday is coming, another year…will you be joyful this Christmas?  Will you be complete in every moment with the people that you love and even those you don’t?  Will you ask yourself what would I say now to this person in case I never see them again?

You would be such a gift this holiday season if you lived like that…instead of being stressed and pissed and harried, what if you were gracious and grateful and complete?  What a gift you would be to yourself…undelivered communications are what make us sick and tired and unparticipatory…

YOU be the GIFT this Christmas Season and love people like your life depended on it because it does…

I love you guys…go out there and LIVE OUT LOUD.

-Noelle

 

The Fixer Of Broken Boys Part 14: Here’s Where The Story Begins

If you’ve been following along with my story, I seem to know how to pick them. Some would say I pick them, fix them, and send them on their way..

A fixer of broken boys.

Others would say I’m broken.

For the record I’m not a fan of that word. Broken.

Or victim.

Or unlucky.

I absolutely can not tolerate people who hold their past as excuses to be horrible.

“you don’t understand… this happened…”

Actually I do and then some.

Here’s the truth. Without all theses chapters I would not have the love of my life. She’s eleven. She’s perfect and while I am not… perfect, she makes me feel like I am about eighty percent of the time.

I considered wrapping this up neatly. Giving you the happy ending I teased in an earlier chapter. But that’s not the truth. Life is messy. Things have been hard. Dating as a single Mom is no joke. Dating as a single Mom who has been through some stuff,well… I recognize I can be a challenge. For a moment I want to acknowledge that some of this is hard to read, it’s hard to write…but it’s mine and you know what?

I’m here. I have walls. I hold my breath. I don’t always see what others do. But I’m here. My feet are planted firmly and I’m determined to show my daughter that you can be loved for who you are. That even when not so great stuff happens you can get through it. You can. Maybe the path there may not be very straight but it CAN be done.

Which leads me to my now…

I’m treading lightly here because it’s so incredibly precious to me. As I’m wrapping up my forties a switch has been turned on. I have finally realized it is ok to want hand holding, mushy, compromise, quiet days, ruckus nights,if someone loves you they won’t  judge what you want or who you are, but rather rebel yell for you.

They will go to Target when they’d rather be at a record store.

They will ask about your daughter.

They will ask you about your day.

Text you in the morning.

Send you a song

Let you send them a Dad joke

Hold your hand

Remind you they are there for you and keep doing so even when you try to push them away.

I’m crying as I type this because… let’s just say what’s mine is mine is mine and if I tell you it’s less mine… but it’s mine.

It’s messy and it may not work for you, but isn’t that life?

Life is messy! Who wants perfect? I will take messy and happy any day.

I’m finding out I don’t need to fix broken boys anymore…

The boys weren’t broken and neither was I. I just didn’t see who I was. I finally do.

I am a Mom. A friend A sister. An aunt. A daughter. A teacher. A shoe hoarder. A nerd. A pink haired, tattooed middle aged punk lady who still crushes on Henry Rollins. And that is more than ok… it’s kinda perfect.

~~Caprise

Single Mom of the amazing Dbl G
Teacher
Sometime DJ
T-shirt collector
Henry Rollins Middle Aged Punk Prom Date

The Fixer Of Broken Boys Part 13: He’s Back

In the midst of all this chaos I get a phone call that brought the guitar player back into my life.

All the way from California… our story wasn’t over.

Sometimes even though you know you shouldn’t you let people back in. You do. The guitar player was hard not to the close door on.

Have you ever had such crazy chemistry with someone that even the sound of their voice effects you?

I used to love getting his voicemail because I could hear his voice. His voice. His smile. His hugs. So much…too much. Not enough…

I had just moved my little daughter and I into a condo we couldn’t afford when I got an email:” it’s me I miss you. Tell me something only we would know so we know it’s each other.”

I did and then we were texting.

Then talking.

All the time, for hours.

I was torn. I was technically still married but husband refused to divorce me,this man lived halfway across the country … what was happening.

Along the way my husband drafted a contract – still no legal divorce. In it we were allowed to date even though we weren’t divorced. I would find out later it was because he had been dating a woman he met on his volleyball league well before I had moved out. Prior to that another woman was pursued but didn’t count because she wasn’t interested.

Yet he wouldn’t divorce me.

So when after almost 15 years and several states between us- the guitar player said he wanted to see me. I said yes.

I shook the whole time.

Men have an unfair advantage, sometimes with aging some get more handsome. Yup

We were together on and off for six years.

At first it felt like there was a real chance, but then all the things that stopped us the first time started bubbling to the surface. Except this time I had a child.

Who he never tried to meet.

I started volunteering at a radio station which took time away from him.

The TV show I hosted I did to meet men, or so he thought.

I was called names.

I never met his family.

I paid for everything.

Through the volunteering and job promotions I started getting myself back. I wanted to build a life with him, but every time it came up there was a reason to wait.

The tipping point… being in his bedroom while his nephew delivered a couch and him letting them joke about the women he could have on the couch.

I WAS IN THE BEDROOM (!)

The final straw was a weekend I was supposed to see him my daughter was sick so I couldn’t, he got mad and said I used her as an excuse and put her first.

I was furious.

I added up all the miles and money and hours and broke up with him.

It was a slow break.

I still hold guilt.

I glossed through a lot, but he moved cross country to be with me. He powered through a disease that makes it impossible for him to be in social situations and I was just going to leave him?

Yes

Because you can’t stay with someone out of guilt

You can’t stay to try and fix past sins

Someone shouldn’t use those things to make you.

Also, it wasn’t just about me anymore.

I was now the Mom of a daughter and I needed to show her what it looked like to have someone in your life who would go to Target with you even if they’d rather be at Home Depot.

~~Caprise

Single Mom of the amazing Dbl G
Teacher
Sometime DJ
T-shirt collector
Henry Rollins Middle Aged Punk Prom Date

The Fixer of Broken Boys Part 11: The One That Should Have Never Been

The One That Should Have Never Been….

Full disclosure this is going to be hard for me to write. I started crying just thinking about writing this chapter.

I made another cup of coffee put on some John Mayer and am snuggled under some blankets…

I need to write this.  It’s important because good, bad or otherwise it shaped me.

If you’re in my life maybe after reading this you’ll understand why I can shamelessly share random facts about myself but giving anyone my heart is almost impossible.

“The woman with the highest walls have the deepest love.”

When I met him I was dating the sweetest man named Ben. He was a bit younger, rode a motorcycle and would pop up with unexpected presents… but I couldn’t get past the fact he was younger than me.

So incredibly stupid some of the rules you make for yourself when you’re dating.

I definitely should never write a dating advice book.

I was DJing at a bar and he was staying nearby for business. Instant chemistry. He was completely different than anyone I dated. Had a good job, close with his family, he had this way. Green eyes, dark hair, freckles and an accent to this day I can’t place. And I don’t want to.

I’m grateful I will never hear that voice again.

It did enough damage.

It was a whirlwind to say the least. I think we were living together after two weeks.

The minute he moved in red flags started flying. He always had a slick recovery. Fantastic used car salesmen. Most criminal psychopaths are.

I kept the secrets and concerns to myself, because I was the idiot friend who when they hear stories of acquaintances in horrible relationships yelled the loudest I would never put up with that.

It’s amazing what you’ll put up with when you’re in it and are led to believe it’s your fault.

I did try to tell a few people but it never came out. When I did share years later it felt like a blip that I should of kept to myself.

Pro tip if someone is suddenly jobless after they meet you… run.

If you never meet their family… better be a stunning reason as to why.

I am being a bit light hearted but it’s decades later and the shame I carry at letting someone like him in my life weighs me down.

He stole from me

He cheated on me

He used our apartment to run a business that is not legal in our state

There’s more…but I can’t. It’s done and I’m not crying so let’s keep going.

I know the neighbors knew but it wasn’t until the day I kicked him out that my next door neighbor came and sat with me until the cops showed up. He just kept apologizing while he held my hand.

I can’t give the One that Shouldn’t Have Been much more because he doesn’t deserve it. He did a ton of damage.

And to be blunt somethings are better left unsaid.

What I know is I got out. I made it.

I am not a victim, I’m not a survivor I’m just a lady who had enough.

The tipping point wasn’t all the horrible things he did to me but the threat he made one night after a terrible fight. He threatened to let my new kitten out, which he had done once and had resulted in her being temporarily blind.  I wouldn’t protect myself but… you get it.

Also,while I’ve had one cat since I’m a dog person…

But yes I’m incredibly guarded. I don’t trust very many people.

I’m a happy person with a heavy soul…sometimes it gets weird. *quote

Yup it does.

This relationship gifted me with a restraining order, a depleted record collection, horrible credit, and the promise to date “nice” guys.

I took a breather. I set some very strong boundaries. Then I met the nice guy but kinda like it seems to go… meh. Not really that nice…

~~Caprise

Single Mom of the amazing Dbl G
Teacher
Sometime DJ
T-shirt collector
Henry Rollins Middle Aged Punk Prom Date

The Fixer of Broken Boys Part 10: The Guitar Player

The Guitar Player…

After college I dated but no one stuck. I will be honest I was why. I might have still been hung up on Captain of Sport I don’t understand. AlsoI was picky. Silly picky. Maybe unfair picky. I also had a bad habit of stacking the men I was dating. I’m not proud of it but it was not uncommon for me to break up with someone and have someone waiting in the wings.

I was young – I had some pretty set rules to date me. Contrary to popular belief I was a pretty tame dater. Which was not a deterrent.

The guitar player almost wasn’t. I originally was set up with the lead singer of his band who forgot to tell me he had a live in girlfriend. The exact quote “maybe that’s his sister, nope you shouldn’t kiss your sister like that.”

Lead singer is now a famous movie director- you have definitely seen his movies. I stand by my choice.

The night that all went down the guitar player who had never talked to me asked me to hang out with him after their show.

“I just want to know you.”

He had this incredible voice. I have a thing about voices. His is one of my favorites. He also has this smile not smile he does. There are so many things.  Some are too precious to share. Sorry not sorry.

No one had never said that to me. That they want to know me. He meant it. I was shyly grilled for several hours. He was older and I would find out later he and the lead singer played a game of Horse to determine if he could ask me out.

Aww romance.

We would date on and off for two very rough years.

Not because he was a bad guy. But I was not ready for what he brought to the table. I was 22 and trying to find my place in the world dating an incredibly handsome, incredibly talented older man dealing with crippling anxiety.

At that time there was no name for it.

Therapy was limited and the solution was lots of medication.

Our relationship became one where I felt I did all the work. 80% I did. Financially I pulled the weight. Emotionally I pulled the weight. At least it felt that way.

We loved each other.

I still love him. But when you struggle with your own self worth and want what everyone else has it’s hard to hold together a relationship with someone who is t healthy enough to be what you need.

When he could though… and if he had god damn I would have married that man.

But he couldn’t and didn’t.

We gave up.

I gave up.

My heart very broken. Still is  now.

The guitar player will be back- but unfortunately I spend the worst year of my life with the one that should have never been.

~~Caprise
Single Mom of the amazing Dbl G
Teacher
Sometime DJ
T-shirt collector
Henry Rollins Middle Aged Punk Prom Date

The Lady By The Sea

The Lady By The Sea

by Kad

I close my eyes and inhale the smell of the ocean breeze

it tickles my mind back to childhood memories

those long hot summer days

kickball, swimming, and sunbathing

a simple, carefree, joyful time

my happy space

my happy place

so why such a sad face?

I stare at the ripples

layers of the ocean blue

each one could represent a year or two

the transcending colors

they fade from the darkest black

to the bright sky of lavender blue

just a reflection of the deepest darkest colors of fear

the fear deep inside the core of me

I spend many hours almost every day

sitting there thinking my life away

some days my eyes trickle tears, rolling down my face

dampening my skin tasting like  the salted ocean sea

other days I sit and absorb the heat

as it warms the deep chill in my bones

always scared and always alone

craving that warmth

as if a deep strong hug

given to me from the rays of the sun

that deep dark place in me

the one that I never let anyone else see

it comes to me

my lady by the sea

Could it be he saw inside

is that why he left

did he see her?
That scared little girl

helpless, alone, deep inside of me

like a wave in a storm

dark and angry

thrusting forward

arching, raging, swimming to the shore

then gently easing back

then rushing and regaining power

just to land again on the shore

clutching, clawing, crawling,  grasping ,reaching

always wanting more

Sitting there staring at the ocean some more

trying to regroup, release, remove the darkness that is stored in my core

trying to figure out what am I here for?

Sitting by the shore

the lady by the sea

is just that little scared girl

sitting here inside of me

cherishing those happy memories

Still wondering why you left me?

The Fixer of Broken Boys Part 9: Big Leagues

If you have been following along I’m not exactly a confident person. I haven’t let on to what I look like. Then or now. It’s a hard thing. Describing yourself. Especially when  you’ve been conditioned that speaking to your looks is conceited.

This is what I will say. I’ve always been awkward but I have a big heart and bigger blue eyes. If I love you I love you with my whole heart as guarded as that is.

So when Captain of a sport I don’t understand decided I should be his girl. I was floored.

In your life there is always a human who defies all things. They really are the total package. Funny, sweet, smart. Hot. I’m going to say it, hot.

When your at your SO’s sporting event and other women comment on what they’d like to do to him you can be jealous or celebrate the fact you know where he’s showering after his match.

I chose celebration.

The Captain also set the tone and the bar.

He celebrated my quirkiness.  He wrote me love notes. He sang to me. Read to me. Watched movies with me. Gave me back pieces of me.

Except he was on borrowed time. He was not quite over his first love.

Whose name he called me during a fight.

Whose pictures I started noticing in his room.

Who he helped move

Visited over break and didn’t tell me

His Dad did in the world’s most awkward phone conversation

While he hurt me he also taught me…

Who I was wasn’t a bad thing. Smart is good. Love really is layered and making up can be fun. Fighting it happens and it’s ok. Maybe just don’t throw your beer in your loved one’s face. Although it may not matter.

Our mantra was no cats, no dog, just you and me.

He actually has all those things.

He’s still hot.

He would wander in and out of my life until I graduated

Giving me hope

Breaking my heart

Thankfully I would graduate college and meet the Guitar Player.

~~~~Caprise
Single Mom of the amazing Dbl G
Teacher
Sometime DJ
T-shirt collector
Henry Rollins Middle Aged Punk Prom Date