Tag Archives: relationship

Am I Parenting Right?

As a parent you just do not know if you are parenting ‘right’… it starts when they are babies, then moves to toddlers, then continues right through the school years and teen years.   And here I am.. Knee deep in the teen years.  

A couple years ago, I started to go through giving my oldest daughter some independence.  I have always given my kids some freedom and independence until I felt they could not handle it.  It’s a definite struggle to just step back a little and give them more and more independence.   

I remember when my oldest started staying up later and later, I knew eventually she would have to figure it out that she would need more sleep.  Eventually, she realized that if she wanted to make it through the day with school and practice, she would need to not stay up late watching netflix.  

And now I am going through my middle daughter trying to gain herself some independence.  And this has been the biggest test for me.  I have realized that all of my children are so different.  It just boggles my mind, how really different they can be.  So here I am thinking, well my oldest daughter handled it, I am sure she will be fine also.  News to me… 

I have learned that they both handle independence and responsibility very different.  And it has been a definite learning curve. I feel like I am tested daily with this one.  My oldest was motivated by getting to be with her friends.  She is very social and enjoys sleepovers and hanging out with them.  If I ask her to do something or follow certain rules, she does it because she gets to see her friends.  

Then we have my middle child…. She is very smart and school comes easy for her.  She is content being at home and does not ask to do much.  She loves her netflix and watching tv.   A couple months ago, she asked to switch to complete distance learning and we agreed with some expectations.  I thought this would be a good test at some independence.  We gave her six weeks and then we would evaluate how it was working.   It was a complete shit show… missing assignments, missing classes, and grades falling.  

So, we discussed that after Christmas she would need to return to hybrid.  Now, it should not have been a complete shock to her because the weeks leading up to this conversation, we discussed her grades and missing assignments, along with the importance of getting them in.  

It is the day she is suppose to return to school and she just doesn’t go.  I tried all of my tactics and bargain tools, nothing worked.  Now, with my oldest, taking her phone away would have done the trick.  I am pretty sure that the words “boarding school” came out of my mouth.  I might have even mentioned that the principal might show up at our house… good god, I sounded like my mother 30 years ago, I was rambling… and my daughter knew none of those things would happen.  

I do not even know why I was trying, I knew how strong willed she was…and I knew when she made up her mind it was stuck.  

And now she has still not returned to in-person school.  Of course, she is doing her learning still from her bedroom and of course, she is actually getting up on time, but she will not return. I have tried everything to get her to go back to school and she just will not do it.  She has no phone, no tv, or no electronics.  I am sure her friends wonder what happened to her….but she seems to not care.  She is ok with the consequences.  

And so here I am, still in awww on what to do.  I have asked my friends, I have read numerous articles, but still everyday I am wondering if I am doing it right. I wonder if I am not doing enough or doing too much.. Should I just give in or should I have more consequences.  Honestly, its a gamble. And I am sure 20 years from now, we will laugh about it.   

And the reality is, each of my children are so different.  They function so differently.  Just when I think I have them figured out, another curve ball.  And I am stuck thinking… how many more years until I finally figure it all out….

-Snarky

 

www.snarkydivorcedgal.com

What You Want & What You Get

What you want and what you get…

I have just finished round one of our Thanksgiving meal. We tried something different this year and we ordered it from a restaurant.

For the record- I highly recommend it. 

Seriously.

Highly.

We will be doing it again.

It goes without saying but I will say it, this year is incredibly different than years past. I think we made the best of it. We had each other and the food was beyond yummy. Now we can relax.

For me a chronic over thinker it  also means some time to crawl in my head. 

There are quotes all over about chronic over thinkers. They exist for a reason. As well… they are rooted in truth. 

I am finally and shockingly getting my life together. After years of well..really not having it together. My job stressed me out. My finances were a mess.  As much as I was coming into my own on the outside. My insides needed work.

They still do.

A pandemic is maybe not the time to make a life change. Yet I did. 

Eight months later. My daughter will tell you my crinkle between my eyes is gone and she loves that I don’t talk about work all the time. I have a savings.  I am in a place where I have never been.

I still don’t have that one thing. I read an article by another blogger the other day talking about all the things. How hard she worked. To create this life for her children. Out of nowhere one of  her children asked her why she didn’t have someone like their Dad did , and she had to catch herself.  She said she silently cried.

 I felt that. I felt that more than I can say. I have dated. And it’s not that I need someone, I am capable and to be honest I have become pretty set in my ways.

But I would like someone. Is that bad? Is it wrong as I scroll through social media to want that? Or a little?

Maybe because I never did. 

Have it.

Not even when I did.

My ex husband was not a romantic guy. He was a practical guy. Which is why I married him … I am a free spirit. I needed practical. At least I thought I did. You know what? You can do that yourself.

Be practical.

I was for years before I met him, but I had a really bad relationship. Like REALLY bad. Made me think I needed the opposite of me in my life. 

I don’t know.

That didn’t go so well.

I,at some point in my life, want what I don’t have yet. I am getting there. I have a someone and he is a blend of all the things. But the deeper we dive into our relationship I start to realize I have created little roadblocks to my path of what I want.

So- as much as I get sad and frustrated when push comes to shove and I am given an opportunity to ask for what I want…guess what I do? Shut down. 

I am and continue to be an incredibly guarded human. Which is funny when you consider every week I give you all some insight as to where my head and heart is at. But to do that with someone I care about. Oooh… yup nope. That’s Midwestern for maybe. Or a gentle no.

Did I mention I majored in Communications in college? Yet here I am relearning or to be honest learning how to communicate with someone I care about. A lot.

I am getting there. Learning how to ask for things I don’t need but want. I am still incredibly independent but I am learning you can still be independent and use your words. In fact it can make you more so.

And happier.

I may never get exactly what I want.

But at least now I’m learning to ask for it.

Take care.

Be safe Mommas

💚Caprise

My Sage

My sage….

This week has been hard for me. It has definitely improved. I am listening to a new song by my favorite band basking from the glow of their performance on Saturday Night Live.  Knowing in February my Valentine will be a new album.

I have happy ears. I treated myself to a homemade Vanilla Latte for good measure and am proud of myself for picking that skill up along the way over the last seven months.

But back to this. I keep a lot of my life private even from my daughter. She’s a smart cookie though and knows what’s up. She sees more than I give her credit for. Also, I wear my heart on my sleeve so she really sees things.

She has been opening up to me a lot lately about everything. So yesterday at lunch I asked her point blank what she thought about me dating.

When my daughter was little she made it very clear I was never to remarry or date. I think there are too many Disney movies with wicked step parents.

As she has gotten older her Dad has been very open about dating, and she has friends who have parents who are remarried and have blended families.

She looked at me and said I want you to be happy. But Mom I want someone good enough for you.

What?

I love Dad but he sleeps until noon. 

Oh honey, people can be different and still work.

I know Mom you deserve someone who appreciates you. 

You don’t think your Dad did?

Not like he should have.  Mom you get up with me. Get us going, go to work, come home, hang out. Do it over again. All day everyday.

Well …I do take naps.

Mom you know what I mean.

And you’re cute. Someone cute. 

Lol. Ok. 

She hugs me and heads for her room.

Stops and turns around.

Mom, you deserve someone who will make you happy. They shouldn’t make you sad. If they make you sad. They gotta go.

I smile.

My beautiful sage goes to her room and I hear playing video games with her friends.

Mommas, my heart is full and she taught me a lesson. A few. It’s ok to talk to her. Obviously some editing. She wants to talk to me. I am really excited she is talking to me.

Be safe

Much love Mommas 

💚Caprise

The Five Friends That You Need

The five friends that you need….Over the years, my circle of friends has really gotten smaller.  I have a lot of acquaintances, but the number of true friends is really small.  These are the friends that I trust and really give my time too.    

I was thinking the other day about the different types of friends that I have…and how they all come together in my life.  How each one of them offers a different purpose in my circle…and each one I truly need.  

The “listener” – The one  friend that is always there no matter what,  she will just sit and listen to you babble on and on…  She will let you text you all your daily problems every day and just continues to listen.  She will go on long walks with you and just let you ramble on about your life.  She might ask questions and get you to think, but listening is her main purpose.  Sometimes she does not even give advice or offer suggestions, she can just listen.  And in the end, I usually figure out the solution to my own problems because she just listened.  She is the soundboard for everything.  

The “honest” friend- This is the one that tells you exactly how it is… She will tell me to “be nice” and do not go “crazy”.  She is the one friend that will put me in my place when I need it.  She will tell me over and over again to be nice, if she feels I am out of line.  This friend also will remind me of your past mistakes so you do not make them again… She reminds you of the not so good boyfriends, so you do not make that same mistake twice.  When I have a lapse in judgement, she will remind me of what happened the last time.  She is not afraid to call me out on my own bullshit or my “pity party”.  She can read through the lies that I tell myself and get me to be true to myself.  She will tell me if someone is not treating me well or if I am not treating someone else well.  

The “yes” friend–  This is the one friend that always says “yes”, she is always up for whatever you have in mind… Sometimes if I really want to do something, she is the person I will go to because I know she will say “yes”.  Now at times, this can get me into trouble because some of my ideas may not be the smartest, but I know she will say “yes”.  She will also be up for going out or staying in, she will just go along with whatever you have in mind.   The honest friend may not like her at times, because I know she will say “yes” to anything of my ideas. The ‘Yes” friend will tell you, go ahead and send that text… go ahead and go on that date…go ahead and buy that new dress.  I like the “yes” friend.  

The “cheerleader” – The friend that reminds you to look at the positive things in life.  She constantly reminds you to be patient and sends you daily positive quotes.  She is the friend that can always find something good in every situation.  She reminds me to be patient, not rush, and that good things will happen.  She reminds me that when something  bad or challenging happens that something good might come out of it.  At times, I find that completely annoying and can not believe in her positivity.  She reminds you that tomorrow is another day, she will cheer you on in any of your goals in life…

You want to lose 10 lbs, she will be there to cheer you on.  

She reminds you “ whats not to love” when you are down on yourself.  You wake up every day to a “good morning” text from her and when you answer “ whats good about it” she will send you a positive affirmation”.  She is your biggest cheerleader and she is the “snow white’ of the group…

The “Ann Landers” – This is the friend that gives you advice.  She will you advice on anything, life, parenting, dating, cooking, household items, etc.  She seems to know everything and gives you advice on anything.  You know you just go to her when you need advice and you believe whatever she says.  I have no idea where she learned all her knowledge, but she knows everything.  And she can back it up with statistics, data, and personal stories.  None of it maybe true, but you would never question it.  She just has this way, that you never question what she says…and you do it.  

All of those friends come together in my life.  They all add so much and I need them…without question. 

-snarky

 

www.snarkydivorcedgal.com

Just A Wedge

Just a bite…wedge of cheese please

The enemy knows just how to put a wedge between us and those we love. Of emotional separation. A hard wedge, a smelly wedge, a wedge of discomfort, upset, or plain ole ridiculousness. The opponent knows exactly how to attack us, putting jealous thoughts, unworthy ideas and a who-gives-a-flippity-flip attitude to the fore front. The story seemed to be going in the nice direction, but now there seems to be a wedge.

Have you ever allowed your ego to get in the way, to have something to say, and find yourself making time to listen? As I fill my mind and heart with God’s ever powerful grace & mercies…The closer I get to His Truth of me…. the more I am aware and ready. Vigilant at best. Now that I understand My Truth, I can see, hear and taste the lies of the enemy. What about you?

There are days when I tell the enemy to hit the road. “NOT Today!” I have no room for the lies AND there are days when it comes out of left field. I’m doing something and the next thing I know, I don’t even see it coming, and I’m down. Smacking me upside the head. It takes me a little bit to get back on track. but back on track I go.

It is the ego that gets hurt as a result of the wedge that shows up in our closest relationships. The mind starts babbling….they didn’t say it, do it or act like…the way I hoped, expected, wished they would. That’s how the enemy gets in there and makes a mess of things. The ego creates all kinds of scenarios that will ruin what was once beautiful. The ego is very SELF focused. Yelling “What About Me?”, all day long.

Watch out for those times when you listen to what separate you rather than what brings you closer. Keep your mind sharp, always paying attention to the small pieces that can easily build a wedge where it does not belong.

Xoxo
Your God girl
Tracy

Brick By Brick

I’m not sure if it happens consciously or subconsciously, but our hurts can cause us to lay brick by brick till we have a wall around our heart.  One minute there’s a few and the next thing we know, there’s a few dozen.

Bricks of anger, upset & regret.

Bricks of jealousy, envy & unruliness.

Bricks of stuffing, ignoring & belittling.

Bricks of drama, discord & accusations.

Bricks of chaos, judgment & unforgiveness.

You get the idea.  Before you know it you need a step ladder to continue laying the brick. The mortar sets and the wall becomes a great barrier from any more hurts.  Or is it?  Do you feel secure in your world, walled off with The Self?  Walled up with your speculations & assumptions of what might happen if you trust, believe or hope again?  Walled up from any more hurt that just might work it’s way into your space, into your veins, into your heart?

Close your eyes and imagine the hurt you feel and know that if the hurt can’t penetrate through the brick wall, neither can the love.  

To have love in our lives, we have to be open & receptive.  Willing to risk.  THAT is where love can grow.  Love grows in the soil of vulnerability. It grows in the assurance & certainty of how your life choices just might go extremely well.  

Is today the day to get out the chisel?   To begin removing, brick by brick, as you learn how to protect your heart without making the wall higher, without walling yourself from the outside world.  Learn to teach your heart, to listen to the prompts that feel yucky and learn to understand why they shut you down and how you can work through them to a place of self love, self respect, self care.

xoxo

Your God girl

Tracy

Don’t Let This Be My Story

Don’ let this be my story….It is early this week while I write this. No beverage, no music. But lots of thoughts banging around in my head.

My daughter finally visited with her Dad. She hasn’t said much and I don’t want to push.

This is a slippery slope this Single Mama thing. I realize I’m preaching to the proverbial choir. But there are days I want to come home, look at someone and just have them hug me alright.

I’m a pretty independent person and have been wading these waters solo even when I wasn’t solo but I’m going to be honest. I don’t always want it to be like this. I’ve dipped my toe back into dating again as you all know it’s a roller coaster.

I have a person but the world right now has put roadblocks in our way.

As a person who thrives on end goals,it’s hard for me to feel like I don’t have one.

On the flip side we joke every story we will  tell our grandchildren will be something related to the pandemic.

But there are days I worry we won’t make it. I come with that infamous suitcase I try to hide under my bed.

The suitcase will slide out and suddenly I start believing I’m unlovable. I’m not worthy. I’m all the things the ghosts of my past made me believe, which makes me start looking for cracks that don’t exist.

Shut down.

Go radio silent.

It would be easy to start sticking labels on me. First … yes I go to therapy. Lol. Please for all that is holy do not call me broken. Chipped. Sure. Cautious. Oh my goodness yes. 

Guarded.

Absolutely.

Last but not least I don’t want this to be my story. I think the fact that I don’t want it. Means there is hope.

At least the perpetual optimist in me believes so.

Hope is huge. Hope, caffeine and my daughter are what get me through a lot of days.

My hope for you that you have hope and things to keep you bright and going when your story doesn’t feel like it’s going to end the way you want.

 

 Much love and be safe Mommas

<3 Caprise

Some Relationships Need Caution Tape

Sometimes we do not see the signs in relationships that might need caution tape…  We are blinded by the chocolates, the flowers, and the balloons on your birthday… sometimes we can not see around all of the hoopla to see if this relationship is right for you…

The caution signs that our friends and family can see but we can not…

The making plans and then breaking them last minute…let’s have a happy hour on Thursday and then breaks them because he’s too tired.

The excuses to not make committed plans but can make plans with others…not sure if i can see you on Friday and then sneaks off to a buddies cabin…

The manipulation of making you feel like you did something wrong when you didn’t… ohh I really wanted to see you last night but you had plans with your friends…

You are in a rocky patch with your boyfriend and so he says he made a surprise getaway with you next weekend.. knowing you would never be able to go since you have your kids all weekend… He gets upset because you can’t go and then you find out after the fact that he never made the plans.. he just wanted you to believe that he was trying…

The poor me statements… “you don’t understand me”… can we just get together and I can explain.  When you get together nothing is accomplished.. many compliments are given but no concrete plans are discussed to make changes.

The “ohh ok then have a good life text” and then 10 minutes later you get a 3 page text on everything you did wrong on in the relationship.

Sometimes we do not see signs of caution in our own relationships to know its not working .. its like a constant roller coaster.. the highs and lows.. The highs feel great, but then its not too long and the lows start again.

You want to believe that things will change.. you want to believe the roller coaster will end.

I feel like many times I was holding on to hope that the relationships would change.  The reality is.. if he really wants the relationship he will send the good morning text.. he will follow thru with happy hour.. he will make the effort to meet your friends..and he will plan a weekend when you can go…

I was in a relationship in the past, where I would actually count the good days or I would say to my friends, “things have been good for 4 days”.   I should have ended that relationship a lot sooner than I did.  Relationships are hard, they all have ups and downs, however I am pretty sure that counting good days is never a positive gauge of a relationship.

Sometimes its hard to just do nothing but it can be the best test….to have patience to see if he reaches out, if he follows through with his plans, and if he shows you that you are important.

It is hard to sit back and wait for any of those actions.   Giving the relationships some space, may make things clearer to you.  Many times in my life, I wanted to rush everything along, but its important to sit back and observe.

I have been the friend that had to point out the signs and all the lows of your relationship.  I have been the friend that reminded you of how disappointed you have been.  I have been the friend that reminded you of how you had to cook your own birthday dinner last year.

I have also been the friend that needed to be reminded that I needed to use caution tape.  I needed the reminders of how I felt after all the cancelled plans over and over again.  It is about taking the time to notice the behaviors and using caution… having the patience to see what is best for you.

 

-Snarky

 

www.snarkydivorcedgal.com

Time Is Valuable, Use It Wisely

Your time is valuable… Its one of my favorite sayings…  And I have to remind myself of this because it is valuable.  You will never get that time back…

As I was talking to my friend the other day, she was mentioning how she had just met her friend Ryan.  It took me a few minutes to remember who Ryan was and then it hit me… I said, “ Isn’t he the guy that you went on a few dates with and then never returned your texts or phone calls, why are you meeting him for drinks”.    I still shake my head, but I have been guilty of it too…

Do not fill your time with emptiness.   It took me a long time to figure out that I could choose my time. I could choose who I spent it with.  I could choose what I did.

By emptiness, I mean do not fill your time with activities and people just to fill your time.  Be choosy about the dates and friends that you keep in your life.  Your time is valuable and it does not need to be given to those that do not appreciate you.  It does not need to be given to events that you really do not want to attend.  Or people that do not encourage you in your life.

I used to say yes to people and gatherings, just because I did not know how to say no.  I was many times let down due to the group of people that I was with.  Or I did not really have any interest in attending the event.  I had to really start thinking about what I got out of it for me.  It might sound selfish but its true.

Do I want to attend a party with 20 people that I do not know well and would end up making small talk?  Or would I rather go for a long walk and watch a good movie…  I had to start thinking about what I wanted in those times. Was I talking myself into going or was I excited about it…

About 6 years ago, I was completely committed to a weight loss program.  I was 100% focused and was working my butt off to reach a goal.  When I first started, I had to decline going to a lot of events or going out to dinner with friends.  I wanted to succeed.  I knew I was not strong enough to say no to all the temptations.  Unfortunately, I had friends that did not understand and would try and talk me into still going out to get my favorite nachos or drinks.  The “ohh come on its only one night”… It was incredibly hard to resist.  I had to say no and some friends did not understand.  The ones that did, offered other suggestions, like going for a hike or a walk.   Those are the friends that I want.  The friends that stuck with me and supported me to the end.

You should want to spend time with people that give you the encouragement and confidence that you crave.  The ones that back you up when you need it and support you throughout life.

Its hard to get to that point in your life, where you are ok choosing what you want.  Think about what you really want to do in your time.  Think about who you want to spend your valuable time with.  I am totally good saying “no” to something and in return doing something by myself that I really love.

Are you saying “Yes” just to fill the emptiness?

Do you really enjoy being with that person or are you just saying “yes” to be polite?

Does that person make you feel good about yourself?

Are you talking yourself into attending that event?

Do you want to go to a movie with Tony from accounting that has a huge crush on you? Or are you just doing it because you have no other plans on a Friday night?

I have to continuously ask myself these questions from time to time…because I know my time is valuable.

 

-snarky

 

www.snarkydivorcedgal.com

How Are You Doing?

When I was in marriage counseling, my counselor asked how I was doing and and I would always respond with “good”. And she would ask what was good about it? It was really hard to think about what was actually good at that time. And the question made me feel quite uneasy…

During that time period, I was going to marriage counseling separately and with my husband. There were so many emotions that I was experiencing, so It was hard to think, how I was really doing. Good seemed like such an easy response and I did not need to go into detail. It was a fast answer, which I was hoping would get me through it.

I did not enjoy this at all… because she would make me really think about how I was doing, was I doing good or not….At that time in my life, I kept a lot of my feelings and emotions buried within myself. This meant that I actually had to say out loud about how I was doing.. I am not the kind of person that likes to talk about myself with others. I had to learn to actually think about how I was doing. Was I having a hard week? Was I have a good week? Did I feel happy about something? Sometimes I honestly didn’t even know how I was doing.

I have thought about how many times I would just use the phrase “good” without even thinking about it. It would just sort of flow out of my mouth without even thinking am I really good or what is good about it…How am I really doing this week… am I sad, happy, content, do I feel like I accomplished something.. The list goes on.

So when I recently started reading the book “ Get out of my head” by Jennie Allen and there’s a chapter that references how we are doing, I realized that I had gone back to being the person to answer things as “good” instead of really being truthful in my answer. Sometimes I feel its just easier to answer good instead of really thinking about how I am doing. And it takes time to really think about how we are doing..

What makes me feel like I am doing good.. What is that magical thing that makes us feel like we are doing good? Thinking about how I answer the question, “How am I doing” has gotten me back into the habit of thinking about all the things that happen in a day or week. Am I feeling nervous, stressed, or anxious about what going on in my life. Did something happen that made me feel happy, accomplished, or contentment… Am I being open with others about how I am really doing…

Once you think about it… how do you answer the question… It is still hard for me to be comfortable with giving people the raw unedited answer of how I am doing. However, I have realized that the more I open up about how I am doing or elaborating on my answer…its easier.

If I am having a hard week, I get a lot more support and encouragement from my friends then I would have received, if I just answered “good”. Most of the time, we are experiencing many of the same things. When you hear someone else is experiencing your life, it can help so much. You do not feel like you are the only one, like you are on an island alone… I have also learned by opening up more about myself, it got others to open up about how they were doing…

But I still struggle with telling the good of how I am doing.. I am not sure why its hard to brag about yourself, but it should be done more. I am pushing myself to brag about the good more and more… If I am doing great, I should just say it right…I am working on just telling all those accomplishments…little or big.

So, “How you doin”… just give the real unedited version…

-Snarky

https://www.snarkydivorcedgirl.com/