Tag Archives: relationship

Sometimes You Need A Moment

This past weekend my Mom’s family had a get together. My uncle who has lived in England for decades was visiting. Emails were sent out and somehow my Mom’s siblings of which there are seven, (there were nine but my aunt and uncle passed away several years ago) and children and grandchildren all converged on my favorite uncle’s property for food and a visit.

It was pretty fantastic. My daughter who is an only child had my cousins kids who are close to her age and ironically have similar interests to hang around with, throw in one of my considerably younger cousins who took it upon herself to dote on them all and a lesson in driving a tractor… my kid was in heaven.

For me it was about being with my family. July which is thankfully over, was full of one thing after another. All out of my control and increasingly worse than the other. Normally I pray for July to last all summer, I prayed for August to get here instead.

Needless to say July wore me out.

That suitcase I told you all to push back under the bed a few weeks ago in another blog. I started to get it out. Thought about opening it.

Then the family get together happened. The suitcase was peeking out under the bed.

Then a moment happened. There were several actually, but this one has stuck.

My uncle the one visiting from across the pond who the last time I saw him I was married, came and sat down next down to me.

He started it off with “I was surprised to hear about your divorce”.

I instantly tensed up.

He continued… “but emotional abuse is hard. It gets in your head. Being slagged on day in and day out. You start to believe it,even when it’s not true. Words hurt. I don’t care what anyone says. They stick with you. No one deserves that.

You seem happy and life is treating you well and that is what you deserve”.

Even now as I write this I don’t think I can explain how much that meant. How much that conversation, that moment meant.

Because, sadly my reality over the years is most people just have not understood.

When your marriage fails it’s hard enough, but I never want to be the person who bad mouths my ex husband. Regardless of what happened during our marriage because he is still my daughter’s Dad.

But there were hurts.

There are still hurts.

I hope some day they will be less.

I hope some day I look in the mirror and I don’t second guess what I see. I don’t second guess what I say. I don’t doubt who I am. I continue to get back to being the badass I like to trick

everyone into believing I am.

I also want you to remember who you are Mommas. Grab those magic moments.

Look in the mirror and roar.

Love the sound of your voice.

Believe in who you are.

You are someone’s Momma and that means you are a magical badass.

<3Caprise

The Sides Of Social Media

Social media is something that has taken the world by storm. I’d say that most high school students have at least one form of social media. Whether it’s Snapchat, Instagram, or Facebook, it seems to be the one thing that is constantly on our minds.

The question asked by many parents is whether this is something positive for their children or not. Unfortunately, there is no definite answer. What I do know, is that there are many pros, and certainly some cons. I’ll start off by stating that I know that I use social media as a way of contacting my friends. We have the ability to share pictures and have typed conversations over these social media apps. Without it, we feel like there’s no other way to share important moments with those close to us. You know, it’s not like we are surrounded by telephones where we can speak to them directly…;).

Truthfully, though, social media also makes us feel like active participants of others’ lives. I often use these platforms to contact family members that live outside the country. I can text them, like their posts, and watch their daily stories. Not only can social media allow us to share the happy moments in our lives, but it also lets us share events going on in real time, like tragedies, natural disasters, etc. Although those were all positive sides to social media, I want to state the very obvious fact; that we are obsessed with it!!!

Social media is usually the first thing we check when we wake up, and the last thing we look at before going to bed. We always have this constant urge to check what those around us are up to. This definitely takes up time that we could be using for more important things like family time, and academics. I’d say that a huge issue with social media, is the unrealistic lifestyles being publicized by pretty much everyone that uses it. You rarely ever see posts about the difficulties in life, but rather posts about how people are “living the life”. This makes us long for things that would only exist in a perfect world. It could be in terms of wealth, looks, and even happiness. I often ask myself why these celebrity “influencers” are trying to “influence” us. In the end, we live in a world that is surrounded by social platforms and for us teens, it is something we are used to. The truth is, it all depends on how you choose to use it. Like everything else in life, moderation is likely the key.

-Dani 

I Wanna Hold Your Hand

I want to hold her hand…forever.

The love of my life has been twelve for not quite a month and in that short time and especially lately, I have been taught some hard lessons.

Like I am pretty sure I need her more than she needs me.

At least that is the vibe she is sending me.

She recently was away with her Dad for a week. I texted her everyday. Her answers back were short. Meanwhile, I’m at home practically begging the dog to hang out with me. It’s not that I don’t want her to have fun, but can she miss me. A little?

She definitely laments when I feel compelled to sing loudly to music in the car, but I feel that is actually a rule for tweens.

She has remarked once or twice I dress like a teenager. But again, I feel that’s a requirement.

The punch to the guts are being asked why I am in her room. Do I plan on staying. Tucking herself in and now not even really saying goodnight to me.

Maybe I get a good morning.

If… I’m lucky.

However, the one that stung the hardest was a recent Saturday we spent together.

G & I make sure every Saturday we make plans. It can be as simple as watching a movie to as complex as a road trip, but with her fast approaching her teen years I want time with her. It’s our time to put everything away and just be.

We went and grabbed lunch and as we were getting ready to leave I asked her if she wanted to go anywhere else.

She said the mall.

I think I almost spit out my tea. My sweet girl is not a shopper. The only way she will go to Target is if I feed her and stick to a list. If we do go shopping once she is done. She is DONE.

I asked her again just so I was sure.

She said yes.

She wanted to go to Hot Topic.

There it was!

Hot Topic is her place. My free spirit loves anime and t-shirts and plushies (that’s tween for stuffed animals).

Hot Topic carries all her favorite shows and movies in some form of backpack, shirt or pin.

I sighed and said fine.

She smiled – huge.

I have always been the Mom who holds my child’s hand. Because I love her and I’m a bit overprotective.

We walk into the mall I hold my hand out which is code for grab my hand. My dutiful daughter does but also lets out a huge sigh.

I say quietly while we are walking “if it’s uncool to hold my hand I get it. You don’t have to hold my hand.”

She drops my hand and says “I’m letting go because you said I could, but yes it’s not cool.”

Mommas(!)

She must have noticed my face.

“Mom I love you, this is great. I will walk next to you.”

“Thanks, ok.” I squeak back.

We shop.

I spend WAY too much money on a t-shirt for her.

When we got home she thanked me and quickly retreated to her room.

I found her a bit later.

Asleep.

I laid next to her… she grabbed my hand and held it.

G and I continue to enter uncharted territory and it’s rough sometimes.

But this is what I know, I will be 100 and she will always be my baby, my sun, my moon, my stars, the reason I try to be better.

Even if she won’t hold my hand at the stupid mall.

Much love Mommas

<3 Caprise

Healing: Raw & Ugly

Healing is raw and ugly…

August 12, 2018

Well, here I am. Have gotten through his filing, claiming that I was cruel and “intentionally caused him to lose his job”, which is laughable. As is his request for spousal support.

Now, I’m angry. I’m angry that next week, I will be sending my oldest to Kindergarten, alone. I’m angry that last week I celebrated him losing his first tooth, alone. I’m angry that God let this happen. Why?! What did I do?! I stuck by him and I prayed and I trusted that God would bring us through this, and now here I am. I am alone. I am overwhelmed with bills and with things that need to be taken care of. I feel abandoned, by God, by my husband, by my church. I feel utterly alone and forgotten and uncared for and tired.

And now, I am alone. I am so lonely and so f**cking exhausted and confused and sad and I know I shouldn’t wallow in this and I know I should be grateful for the many, many blessings I do have – I know there are momma’s out there who would give anything to send their child off to Kindergarten. I know that. But this is not how I pictured things. I imagined and planned on preparing our child for school together, to bear the load of all the new and exciting things together, to celebrate the missing teeth and the new things learned together. I imagined that we’d be a team in this. I don’t feel adequate to do it all myself. My kids deserve better. They did nothing to deserve this. I don’t know what I did to deserve this. I truly, truly believed that he and I would be together forever. That we’d have hard times, tough times, but we’d get through them. I never imagined this. Not for a second. Sometimes I torture myself and go through our old pictures together, our old memories. We looked so happy. That wasn’t fake, there’s no way. I know it wasn’t on my end, and I don’t think it was on his. We loved each other. I know we did. We had so many good, happy times. I don’t know what the hell happened. I don’t know what I did wrong or what I could have done better.”

I started writing things (in honesty … typing them – my handwriting is barely legible) a couple of months after we separated. It was a violent separation , literally and figuratively. I had to get the thoughts out, because I didn’t know what else to do, and I wanted to remember the feelings. I had hope that I’d be able to rise out of the suck and one day, look back and say “Look how far I’ve come”! I didn’t have any intention of letting other people read what I typed. BUT… I’ve been reading Brene Brown lately, and learning more about vulnerability. If what I was feeling – the rawness of it, can help someone else feel less alone, sharing is worth it.

At the time of writing my thoughts above, I was just starting to come to the realization that my commitment to our marriage was not reciprocated in any way. My ex-husband and I never worked the same shift or had the same days off in our ten years of marriage. I tried to find the positive in that – things were still new and fresh, seeing him was always exciting. However, it was dawning on me that he was able to maintain the front of being a doting husband for those few hours we had together, and that’s all it was to him. To me, those hours were precious; to him, an act to get through. (And, scene!)

If you read my last post, you know that there was a domestic violence incident and a whole lot of ugliness I subsequently discovered. The divorce was ugly. His attorney was one who would make scathing, disgusting accusations; probably to try and elicit some kind of reaction out of me (and oh, that temptation was REAL). My wounds were still fresh, and her words, baseless accusations, and complete unprofessionalism compounded the emotions and feelings, making a bad situation unimaginably difficult.

I am glad that I wrote my feelings as I was sitting in the suck, trying to navigate those dark moments. I remember how pervasive those feelings and emotions were, how deep the anger and sadness was. The level of betrayal is one that I still cannot find adequate wording for. I can sit here today and reflect on gratitude and the incredible blessings throughout the darkness, but when you’re in it… the good stuff isn’t so obvious.

Today, the darkness is a little lighter. As time goes on and you sit, experience the pain, and allow yourself to move through it, its sharpness lessens. I felt like I was stuck for a long time – I felt like I should be moving must faster, not wallowing in a never-ending pit. My faith and counseling helped me move forward, but the main thing is the willingness to work through it – not just cover it up with new romantic relationships, substances, or mindless activity. I and my kids deserve better. I have to understand how this happened, how I let it get so far, and my blind spots – this cannot happen again.

These days, I still struggle. But it’s not minute to minute so much anymore, and there are far more good days than bad. If you can relate to any of the words in the first few paragraphs, you are not alone. It is so, so hard and it can be incredibly unfair. But… you’ve done hard things before, and you will get through this difficulty. Don’t let what has happened to you define you – let it shape you into the resilient warrior that you are.

-Elaine

Just Ask The Girl Out

Just ask the girl out…

And just like that it hit me… I was having a couple drinks with my friend and venting about a guy that had just been texting me hi over the last month and not asked me out. Texting and online dating is crazy: crazy good, crazy scary, and crazy frustrating.

I hope that texting has not ruined dating for us all. Yes, texting is great. You get to learn about a person without actually leaving your couch. You could be in a relationship and never even met in person. We have all heard the catfish stores, seen the movie… and yes, the thought goes through my head every time. And if you are just starting on an online dating site, yes we will hear and see it all.

Once you weed out the booty calls, one liners, the just plain crazy’s, and the ones that just copy & paste their message to the top 50, you might be left with someone who you are interested in. And I do believe that there can be really good matches on dating websites. So now what? When you do get off the site and exchange numbers. I have had both good and bad experiences with this.

Once you exchange phone numbers there is probably some interest to meet. I usually do not give out my phone number until I feel comfortable or have had some communication. If you want to ask a girl out, ask her out. Be direct. Don’t say, “ we should go out sometime”. We all have kids, sports, activities, jobs, lives, etc. If you want to ask me out, maybe old fashion, but I still believe that the guy should make the first move. But that’s just me…

If you have exchanged numbers and are now texting, then take the time to ask that person out on a date, coffee, or a drink. Take it to the next step. And be direct, ask for the date and time, not just sometime or next week. If the dates that you suggested don’t work, then mentioned to touch next week. If dating and possibly having a relationship is important than ask the girl to do something. Do not wimp out, take the initiative and do it. Just do it, do it, do it…Don’t waste months texting back and forth and never meeting…

Even over 40, It’s scary and no one knows if they are going to say “yes” and no one likes rejection. At this age, I still act like a shy teenager wondering if he will ask me out. However, I feel that spending weeks or months texting leads to nothing.

I believe in the saying, “shit or get off the pot”. I have gone on many dates, where the person acted completely different in real life, than via text. They were very open and talkative by text, but didn’t say a word in person. We did not have any connection in person and there was lots of dead air. Probably the worst on a date.

If you are actually interested in meeting someone and possibly turning this into a relationship than go for the date! That way you can see if you have a connection, maybe you will and maybe out won’t…Make the move!!

Snarky divorced gal (www.snarkydivorcedgal.com)

The Truth Is…We Love You

The Truth is…We Love You

Dear Moms,

Being a teenager is difficult, or at least we think it is.

Some of us spend every moment of our lives stressing about our “responsibilities” and keeping up with popular trends. Others spend their time stressing about their follower count and how to be “in” with the cool crowd. Both are some of the countless things that we prioritize in life.

While all of this is going through our minds, we sometimes lose sight of what truly matters and the people who truly care about us. In these moments, we often push ourselves away because we feel that no adult could understand what we’re going through (because obviously they were never teens… right?). When we feel this way, we’ll say some things that we really regret afterwards. We yell, we argue, and we don’t listen. We become so blind sometimes, that we don’t acknowledge the effort and love that you put in to try and make us feel better.

What can I say? We are typical teens. Although it may not seem like it, we appreciate what you do for us. I want to tell each and every one you that we notice. We notice the small deeds you do to put smiles on our faces when we need it most. We notice the sacrifices you make, to make our problems seem insignificant. We notice you reaching out to try and bond with us. The reason behind our distance, is our stubbornness.

The truth is… we love you!

We love the way you have our back. We love the way you can’t help but want to protect us from any harm. We love the fact that you are always willing to listen. To all the moms reading this right now, I want to let you know that you are Wonder Women. On behalf of all the teens, we are extremely sorry for being such pains in the bottom.

The truth is… WE LOVE YOU!

-Dani

Lonely Hearts Club

The lonely hearts club is tough. I recently came across a quote: psychology says the person who tries to keep everyone happy often ends up feeling the loneliest.

There are days, more often than not I feel this in my bones.

My day job is a director of a large childcare center- so it goes without saying I take care of littles and honestly their parents.

I come home and I take care of my daughter.

I work really hard not to be a burden to others, but be available should anyone need me. I want the people in my life to be happy, even though I realize it’s an incredibly tall and unrealistic order.

Along the way, I’ve become so hyper focused on work and my daughter. I spend a lot of my downtime alone.

I have a person in my life, but our schedules make it hard to see each other.

My closest friends ….schedules sometimes don’t line up.

Also, I know I’m not alone in this. My soul sister and I had this very conversation- how alone we feel sometimes. Thank goodness we both seem to sense when the other needs a phone call.

Or one of my daughter’s friends Mom tells me as she dropped her daughter off at my house for a slumber party that she was going to see a good friend for the first time in three years!

It’s not just adults either. During said slumber party- several of the girls remarked how happy they were to see each other. It may be the only time all summer.

While I appreciate my quiet moments- too many can really start to wreak havoc on me. I need people. I need my people. I have a hard time admitting that.

I love my life and appreciate everything I have, but there are times where it’s glaringly obvious I need some adult time.

I am a strong, independent person but even us caregivers need someone to take care of us. Even if it’s to meet up for coffee for a half hour. Even if it’s to text. To call. To send a hilarious card in the mail.

Mommas fight for that time. Speak up. It doesn’t make you weak. We all need a someone and some time to just be. There is no shame in asking for those things.

It’s ok to want to talk to someone you don’t spend 24 hours with lol.

In the meantime remember who you are when you’re feeling low and lonely- you’re someone’s Mom.

That’s some magical stuff right there.

<3 Caprise

A Single Mom’s Birth Plan

 I went from married with a baby on the way to single Mom at 6 months pregnant and my entire “birth plan” or “vision” of what child birth would look like went out the window.
I scoured the internet reading birth stories…. I found a total of zero from a single mom. None. It was not a great start to envisioning a NEW Birth Plan.
My OBGYN was amazing and helped me to start over. We kept it simple- Healthy Baby, Healthy Mom.
I went into child birth for the first time armed with knowledge gathered like a true millennial, from YouTube videos. And of course, my OBGYN. But I opted to skip the birth classes and took a breastfeeding class, a car seat safety course and a hospital tour instead. All of which I attended alone, surrounded by couples. I sat and fought back tears while they went through the spousal support PowerPoint slides, but I left the class holding my head high.
It was the first activity I had done alone and I walked to my car knowing that I HAD this. I had to.
I am an over thinker and I knew if I took a class I would obsess and worry and go into child birth with a rigid plan and I realized that was unrealistic. I decided “go with the flow” was my mantra for this and I decided to stick to it.
I trusted my doctor and I trusted my hospital. And I am very, very glad I did.
I had to schedule an induction and I opted for the epidural. My mom was my support person and my dad and my little sister visited me while I was being induced I wasn’t alone the entire time aside from getting my epidural. My momma doesn’t do needles. That wasn’t great, but the contractions were so intense I just focused on breathing and not moving.
My daughters heart rate kept dropping and finally it dropped and they couldn’t get it to come back up. It was looking like an emergency C section and while my plan was loosey goosey an EMERGENCY C Section definitely wasn’t part of it.
My OBGYN gave me a shot at pushing but said I only had a few minutes before they will wheel me to the OR. I gave it everything in me and she was here in less than 15 minutes. The cord had been wrapped around her neck but she was perfect and screaming her head off.
I half realized something was wrong my doctor was yelling at nurses and barking orders. I wasn’t paying attention though, and was just craning my neck so I could see my perfect girl. It felt like an eternity, but they brought her over to me finally and I got to hold her. She was everything.
I suddenly heard my doctor telling them they had to take her from me, that I was losing too much blood.
They took her from me and my mom got to hold her.
Everything was just going so so fast. I was aware nurses were hurrying around the room and saw my doctor who is normally the calmest and kindest woman barking orders out like a drill sergeant. That was when it hit me, okay this is serious. I need her to fix me, I have to hold my Perfect Girl again. I realized then that I was hemorrhaging. I remembered the NEW birth plan that my doctor and I had made together – Healthy Baby, Healthy Mom. I needed her to follow through on our plan.
JUST as I started to really get scared she got everything under control.
I was okay.
They gave me back my Perfect Girl.
She is 5 months old now and I still cannot tell this story without crying. Her birth was traumatic, for me and for her but I wouldn’t change a single thing. As a Single Mom creating a birth plan was nothing like what you read about or see in the movies. But it is part of our story and I love it.
Healthy Baby, Healthy Mom. The very best Single Mom Birth Plan.
Single Mom Boutique Boss
-Allyson

Be Her

Be her….

Do you have girlfriends you can call who will support you in your greatness? Girlfriends who will send you love over the phone or be with you to give you hugs? Girlfriends who understand no justification is necessary and love you even in the mess you may find yourself in?

Girlfriends know what to say and how to be and what to do. They sit when times are tough, they lend an ear when your words won’t stop, they hug when you’re falling down. They laugh from the belly when you do something Crazy. They watch your kids when the sitter leaves you high & dry. They bring a meal when you can’t get out of bed. They cry with you, giggle with you and rant on & on with you. Girlfriends know what to do.

Are you that kind of girlfriend? Do you stop your nonsense to lend a hand? Do you reach out when you’re tired because you know your bestie is having the worst day of her life? Do you care and love and give and hold? It takes a lot to step up and be that kind of friend. It takes courage and compassion and selflessness.

Be the one who someone calls because she knows she can count on you. All Day.

 Be the one who puts smiles on faces, sends birthday wishes & opens her arms to others.

 Be the one who at the end of the day puts her head on her pillow, down right knowing that she stepped out and gave of herself to another with nothing but honest, authentic giving.

Be Her all day long. Truth. Real. Raw. Your giving opens up space & gives permission for your girlfriends to Be Her too.

 

Your God Girl,

Tracy

Can You Get That For Me?

Can you get that for me?…

I was all set to write about my California adventures but something more important has happened.

My daughter is now taller than me.

I’m gonna need a moment.

Now granted I’m 5ft 2in so I am a small person, but she’s eleven.

Eleven (!)

I already feel like our lives go a million seconds a minute now this.

She of course is elated.

Me….

My heart is breaking.

She already doesn’t need me to tuck her in.

She will ask me if I’m going to leave when I go in her room after work to say hi.

Is this going to make her need me less?

I already have not the stage where things I do embarrass her. Although by virtue of who I am that feels like a challenge.

Also I am pretty sure the people in the car next to us at the stoplight DO enjoy my singing along loudly to Jump Around.

Even if she doesn’t.

I realize we are hitting those years and I am scared. I feel like I haven’t done enough. I’m not ready.

I’m not ready for her not to need me.

I’m not ready for her to be taller than me.

Or maybe I am.

Now I have someone who can get stuff off the shelf for me.

So there’s that.

She’s an amazing kid and I knew this day was coming- just maybe not this fast.

For now I’ll take solace in the fact tonight she still wanted a hug at bedtime.

We got this Mommas

Or at least we’re gonna pretend we do.

<3 Caprise