Maybe it is me?…..
Over the last few posts I have been sharing snippets of what my former marriage was like.
I have also shared these are things I don’t readily share with friends and family anymore.
As I’ve started to dig into things, I’ve begun to analyze myself. I am and always have been my harshest critic. I have begun to wonder if my failed relationships aren’t so much about who I’m choosing but me.
Why do I choose these people?
Do I change them?
Am I hard to love?
I was really to start to buy into this mindset, then three things happened.
One of my infamous car conversations with my daughter G. Afterwards, I kept thinking it would break my heart if she ever thought some of the thoughts I think about myself sometimes.
I met with my therapist. Who honestly has been a buoy for me in this ocean of things that I’ve just started facing.
Lastly I thought about you all. What would I say to one of you if you shared that statement with me.
That you felt your failed relationships, the hurt were your doing.
I would come through whatever device you are reading this one and shout “absolutely not!”
So why on earth would I allow those thoughts for myself? I’m going to go out on a limb here, because somewhere along the way I thought I didn’t deserve more.
Somewhere along the way I got stuck.
I stopped believing.
Happy people can still have self doubt. Where I’m at in my world is trying incredibly hard to drown out that doubt. I am reclaiming hobbies I gave up.
Painting for one. I am listening to music I forgot about. I’m here to say Rage Against the Machine makes for a fantastic band to listen to when you have a case of the reds. Maybe don’t drive while listening to it, may cause speeding.
I am and this has been the hardest- asking for what I need. Then in turn feeling comfortable giving myself space when I feel hurt. Or it doesn’t go the way I hoped.
I still pick myself apart. I still wonder. I still make incredibly huge mistakes. I am human. But I am learning to forgive myself. I am learning to not read into every little thing. That my friends WILL definitely be a blog for another day.
I am learning no, it’s not me. That’s the easy way out. It’s a lot of things and while I hold a piece I’m not the whole puzzle.
Self blame, self doubt… while easy to do and will never completely go away, I’m learning to cut myself some slack.
As always my badass Mommas remember to do the same.