Tag Archives: past

The Beautiful Mess That You Are

The Beautiful Mess That You Are.

One of the most challenging things about healing and growing, is learning how to be vulnerable. Figuring out how to show people your scars, both metaphorically and literally… Where do you start? Who do you trust? How do you admit the things to another person you barely admit to yourself? Where do you even start to develop the ability to accept what has happened in your life and start owning it? God knows it’s not easy to let one person (let alone the world) see the things that broke you, the things that scarred your body and soul. It’s terrifying to allow anyone to see the trauma and devastation you have experienced, so is it even worth it?

When you uncover those scars, you are doing more than just pulling off a bandage. You are tearing down years and years of defense mechanisms and fake smiles. You are shredding the illusion of yourself you have created for the world to see, and letting out the real, albeit messier version of yourself. It might not be as shiny or beautiful on the surface, and in fact, it probably won’t be. What it will be instead, is real and true. It will require a level of raw honesty that will probably hurt like hell at first.

Yes, you will be afraid that whoever sees your scars will only see what’s been damaged. You’ll be afraid that instead of seeing the strength it took to sew all those tears up yourself, they will only see the jagged stitches. Afraid they will see the gaping hole, and not the tenacity it took to pull the knife out of your back all on your own. Afraid the only thing they notice will be the cracks, and not understand the time and patience it took to glue it all back together again.

Here’s the thing, when you stop hiding from your past, your fears, and emotions you free yourself of the hold they have on you. You give yourself the chance to discover who you really are. You can let go of the fake version of yourself that is pretending you are happy with the life you are living… or I suppose for some people, you are giving up the fake version of yourself that pretends they hate their life and everyone in it. Whatever. Either way you are letting go of the illusion. Figuring out how to be real and honest, ESPECIALLY with yourself, is the most important part of healing.

Yeah, there will be the haters and naysayers. Those people who don’t want you to change or grow, because it makes them feel bad about their own lives. The thing is, the people who only see the damage, or criticize you for being your most authentic self aren’t worth having in your life anyway. So, pull off those bandages and let the world see the beautiful mess that you are. You never know who will love you, scars and all.

Embrace your perfectly imperfect self,


Correcting Karma…

Continuing the countdown to 50 and the soul searching that goes with it…

I put a post up yesterday on FB, asking if you could give yourself advice 20 years ago what would it be?   My answer was “take better care of people’s hearts and your own.  Some damage you can’t undo.”

My God– the damage that we can do to other people when we are broken and don’t know any better.  I am famous for saying that people do the best they can for who they are in that moment and I believe that even when it’s me making the mess.  I don’t make messes anymore –of people’s hearts or my own, at 50 I am smarter, wiser and more understanding of what is actually possible and what is not.  However, I was young and stupid once and broken and bouncing off walls and making messes of people’s hearts and my own.  Those were darker times…when I was broken and didn’t even understand that…my childhood was more something to ‘survive’ than something to ‘celebrate’ and that left its mark which wasn’t something I recognized until so many years later…

By the Grace of God many of the people that walked with me during those times are still my friends…I have a good collection of ‘lifers’ in my mix…and without them I would not even be here typing this to you.  They steadied me when I was floundering, they took me in, they loved me, they tried to direct me, they stood with me in my crazy and they never judged…

When I had my son I stopped the crazy train, I made a decision that I was not going to wrap him up in my dysfunctionalism and so I took him at 2 years old and moved away from everything and everyone that I had known for 36 years…we went South to TN and there I learned how to be stable and solid…I didn’t take child support, I had no family around me…just me and GOD and the friends that I made into family…and there we resided for 12 years until 2015 when I came back to New England, but that is a story for another day.

Last week I had the privilege of apologizing to someone that I devastated almost 20 years ago…by the Grace of GOD we are still close, yet I had never really had the opportunity to say how sorry I was for the way that I had left for no good reason…except that I was impatient, young, stupid, careless and broken.  This person has always taken care of me, protected me and helped me to be a better person…he certainly did not deserve the havoc I wreaked on his life all those years ago…to his credit he has never held it against me.  Yet I have never forgotten it and funnily enough (because karma never loses an address even when it is mine) a few years ago someone did the exact same thing to me in the exact same way and when it happened I knew it was karma coming to say “hey”…and so I took that hit as gracefully as I could and it taught me that there are some things you just cannot take back…

What I did learn, in all this, is that if you are blessed enough to be given a chance to repair karma, take it…that is a rare opportunity and I believe that it creates an immense amount of goodwill.  It takes a very self-aware person to realize when they have done damage to another human and then to apologize for it.  I think that it creates healing for both people and good things always come from a place of healing.