Tag Archives: online dating

The One They Claim They Want

The one they claim they want but cannot handle.

“Looking for a girl who’s tired of the games.”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen that exact phrase listed on a dating website bio.  A guy claims he wants something real with someone real.  But then when he gets it, he ghosts it.

I’m one of those girls that goes all-in on everything.  Work, motherhood, friendships, dating- if I’m invested in something, I’m going to really invest in it.  That’s why it hurts so much when I don’t receive the same in return.

I’ve been divorced for a year, and in that time, I’ve had 2 legitimate relationships and a whole bunch of texting relationships.  The texting relationships, I’m learning, seem to be the new thing- whether there’s a pandemic going on or not.

When I made my first online dating profile, I was flattered by how many likes and messages I received.  I thought to myself, “Wow, I really might find my Prince Charming after all.”  I’m laughing now as I write that.  Anyone who has experienced online dating knows you have to weed out a lot of frogs before you find that prince.

The fact is, I am that girl that’s tired of the games.  I can play with the best of them, but I’m definitely tired of them.  So, when a guy tells me the same thing, I expect them to mean it.  If they say they want to see me, then I expect them to prove it.

I’m a busy mom.  I have my son most of the time and I work full-time as a writer.  I’ve also been my son’s teacher for the past 3 months because of the pandemic.  I’m a very social person so I love to see my family and friends often.  But, even as busy as I am, I still make time for the person I’m dating.

The fact is, if you really want to see someone or talk to someone, you’ll make time.  It takes 2 seconds to send a “hello” text or a kiss emoji.  If I’m not worth 2 seconds of your time, but you can be on social media scrolling for hours, then I’m not the one for you.

What I’m learning in this post-divorce dating world is that it’s very different from pre-marriage dating.  Instead of feeling the need to settle down and get married and start a family, I want to find someone that adds value to my life and is a true partner.

I’m learning that I’m strong enough to live on my own.  I can pay my own bills.  I can take care of my child on my own.  I don’t need a man.  I’m also learning that a lot of men can’t handle that.  They claim they want the smart, independent woman who’s not afraid of commitment, but then they get her and they run.

I’m also learning that I’m not going to settle for a relationship where my partner isn’t as equally invested as I am.  That’s the beauty of divorce.  You can finally go after what you want instead of what you need.  That freedom is going to make you realize that a lot of people aren’t as genuine as they seem.  They may believe that what they’re saying they want is the truth, but when it comes down to it, they can’t handle it.

You’re always going to be too much of something for some people.  It’s impossible to please everyone.  I know the disappointment can be disheartening when you’re a single mom.  Your time is precious, and the last thing you want to do is waste it on yet another failed relationship.

It’s ok to take some time off.  It’s ok to keep putting yourself out there.  It’s ok to never want to be in a relationship again.  This is your life.  Don’t let some guys that can’t handle a real woman dull your shine.

Will I continue with online dating?  Probably, since there’s not a lot of ways to meet someone when you’re a busy single mom.  I still believe there’s a guy out there somewhere who says he can handle me, and actually can.  Until then, I’ll be perfecting my duck lips for my dating profile picture.

-Lindsay, The Divorced Mama Bear 

Instagram.com/thedivorcedmamabear

Dating In The 21st Century

****Attention! Our resident dating expert, P. Charlotte Lindsey, is making contributions to our blog...PLEASE note that there is colorful language in her posts,which actually makes them even more enjoyable,however I wanted to warn you because I don’t want to hear that we offended you in some way. If colorful dating/relationship language offends you PLEASE do not read.  Thanks.  XO, Noelle

 

Way, way back in the olden days, before Tinder and on-line dating existed – before the Internet, texting, cell phones, and even My Space, courtship was somewhat uncomplicated:  

 

LATE 20TH CENTURY DATING PARADIGM:

A. On any given Saturday night, a gal would go out with friends, spot a dude, bat eyelashes, and meet said dude.  

B. Gal and dude would go on a date…  then several more.  

C. Dude would give gal a piece of jewelry that she’d flash at her seething single friends, gleefully explaining that said gesture indicated she and dude were exclusive  (a/k/a “going steady”). 

D. Weekly date-nights, and daily phone calls ensue.

E. Three months later there would be sex. 

NOTE:  Gal would only share this info with closest girlfriends, as she would not want to be viewed as a “slut” (translation: ho).  Meanwhile dude would secretly be sleeping with sluts because gal would only do missionary.

F. Four months following sex, there would be an engagement.

G. Following six, long, tortuous months of blabbering about bridal showers, bachelorette parties, gift registration drama, honeymoon dilemmas, and non-stop talking about the f#@%ing wedding (breathe), there would be an actual freaking wedding.  

H. Kids.

I. Fifteen years later, half of these couples would divorce and start reading my blog.

 

Easy peasy!  Eight simple steps to matrimony, and a fifty-percent chance of happily ever after.

 

In the 21st Century, with the advent of on-line dating, romance is a whole new ball of wax.  No longer must a girl needlessly attend sporting events in which she has no interest, hang out at bars sucking down calories and throwing down cash.  Gone are the days of going to the gym, libraries, lectures, or jazz concerts at art museums. Jogging, hiking, and yoga – a thing of the past!

Now all a girl has to do to meet the man of her dreams is sit on her lazy ass in front of an old Law & Order repeat, with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and a cell phone.  Thanks to Tinder and its on-line cousins, there is a whole new model for modern romance:

 

21ST CENTURY DATING PARADIGM:

 A. On any given Saturday night, gal flops on couch in sweats, slippers, and stained Hello Kitty T-shirt, and mindlessly swipes Tinder.

B. Gal aimlessly “Likes” every dude within any realm of possibility, considering getting drunk and not wearing glasses to be an option in a pinch.

C. Gal gets a “Match!”

D. Gal and Tinder dude proceed with standard Tinder text protocol:  “Hi.” “What’s up?” “How was your Saturday night?” etc. (NOTE: Gal lies about her Saturday night.) 

E. From two days to two weeks, gal and dude engage in Tinder text ping-pong. (Duration dependant on how many Tinder chicks dude is juggling at the time)

F. They graduate to real texting on real cell phones.

(NOTE:  Insert possible dick pic – possible sexting – he climaxes – relationship ends  – gal eats Skinny Cow)

G. Three days later, gal and dude talk on phone and hear real voices. 

(NOTE:  At no time does anyone acknowledge dick pic or sexting.)

H. Two nights following, they have first in-person date:  Drinks, hug, and small kiss goodnight.

(NOTE:  Insert possible dick pic – possible sexting – he climaxes – relationship ends – gal eats Skinny Cow)

I. Subsequent texting, with contact every other day. 

J.Gal obsessively tracks dude’s on all forms of social media.  Gal notes another chick whose posts he constantly likes.

K. Gal proceeds to “manic text” with girlfriends.

L.The following weekend gal and dude have second date:  At night’s end, they make out in car or on park bench, depending on city.

(NOTE:  Insert possible dick pic – possible sexting – he climaxes – relationship ends – gal eats Skinny Cow)

M.Gal and dude engage in one week of daily texting, replete with sexual innuendo,  “Good morning!” and “Good night!” messages, and lips, silly-tongue, and heart emoticons.

N.Subsequent date number THREE, couple engages in sexual relations. 

(NOTE:  Possible dude climax – relationship ends – gal eats Skinny Cow)

O. Gal continues to social media stalk, dismayed over dude’s continued liking of other chick’s posts – even after getting balls deep with her.  Gal’s imagination runs rampant.  

P. Gal sees doctor for STD test.

NOTE:  If you are part of 23% of the female population, and the relationship continues, the following will occur:

Q.Gal and dude mutually decide to GO OFF TINDER.  They engage in the Going Off Tinder Ritual.

 

going off Tinder ritual  (gōiNG | ôf | ˈtindər | ˈriCHo͞oəl)

noun

  • modern Homo Sapiens mating custom, generally performed in romantic setting, accompanied by alcoholic beverage, wherein a male and female exchange cellular devices, and simultaneously “delete” the other’s Tinder account. This ritual is generally followed by a kiss, and stupendous sex.

 

  • modern equivalent of “getting a piece of jewelry” once practiced amongst humans in pre-21st century era.

R. Gal returns home; calls mother, sister and all known friends; changes relationship status on Facebook; Tweets, Instagrams, and utilizes all known forms of social media to publicize her completion of the G.O.T ritual.  Experiences 24 hours of fanatical joy. Simultaneously, dude goes home and freaks out.

S. Following day, dude breaks up with gal, goes back on Tinder.  Gal eats Skinny Cow, goes back on Tinder.

NOTE:  If you are 11.5% of the female population, and the relationship continues, the following will occur:

T.Six months following G.O.T. ritual, there is an engagement.

U. Six tortuous long months of bridal showers, bachelorette parties, couples’ camping weekends, honeymoon planning, and non-stop talking about the freaking wedding.

V. Soon after, dude sees friends Tindering while out at bar, remembers fun he had whilst single and Tindering, experiences onset of “Jessica Alba Syndrome.”  (He thinks he can do better then you.  He thinks he can snag Jessica Alba.  He’s wrong.) 

W. Dude ends relationship – gal eats Skinny Cow.

NOTE:  If you are 2% of the female population, and the relationship continues, the following will occur:

X. There is an actual freaking wedding.  

Y. Kids.

NOTE:  Fifteen years later, half of these couples will divorce and buy a different book about whatever dating technology has yet to be discovered in the future.

Z. Return to A.  Repeat. Infinity. 

pcharlottelindsay.com

FB:  P Charlotte Lindsay
IG:   pcharlottelindsay

 

 

Dating Over 40

Hello all,

Have you ever heard the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results…. Well that was my life up until three months ago.

I tried several dating websites/apps and always, always hoped for the best. As a joke I like to share with my friends and family, I’m a gluten for punishment.

A breakdown of events that led up to dates or lack of dates. I would pick a dating app and then go through the routine of setting up my profile. I would come up with my username, something cute of course, my profession, age, and a few words to describe what I’m looking for and a little more about myself. I would then proceed to look at the profiles of men that matched up with things in my profile. After a short time, I would receive a message from a man who would want to know more about me.

This is where it gets challenging, more often than not, most of the men I would message back and forth were not from where they said they lived. You guessed it, I was being cat-fished. A few if those men claimed to be in the military and they asked for money. I knew right away what was happening, so needless to say, they were blocked.

I wasn’t asking for much in a match, a man who had reliable transportation, stable housing, and stable income. A man who has his sh*t together. The last man I dated, from December of last year to February of this year, claimed to have his life together. That was further from the truth. He was not even divorced and while he was with me, he was already on to his next victim. I was heartbroken of course. More so because I gave him the benefit of the doubt, I trusted him.

I finally learned after several, several, failed attempts, to always listen to my gut and intuition. Going through the process of crying and moving on, my friends would listen and give me words of encouragement. “It happens when you’re not looking for it ” “It” being that magical feeling of being in love and having that love reciprocated. I would nod in agreement and then go into skeptic mode.

I like to think I’m a hopeless skeptic romantic.

Fast forward to June of this year, I reconnected with an old friend. We went to high school together and briefly dated in 2010. I’m not sure what the future holds, but one thing is for sure, he is the most honest, caring, thoughtful, and genuine man I have ever known. We have so much fun when we are together and more importantly, according to my gut feelings and intuition he is the real deal.

I am living proof that being tenacious works. Never ever giving up what you want when it comes to love. It is important to remember that the light at the end of the tunnel may be dim, but with supportive, encouraging friends that light eventually gets brighter. Dating is hard, especially when life is crazy and hectic, but to know you are enough and worth so much makes dating less stressful.

~Anne Smith

Don’t Be Stupid Girls

DON’T BE STUPID GIRLS

(aka P. Charlotte being not so funny because she loves you)

(aka Watch, “Looking For Mr. Goodbar!”)

Because I, and half the universe, partake in the pleasures of online dating, the perception that it is “safe” has slipped into our collective consciousness – at least for those who don’t read headlines or watch Lifetime movies. But alas, online dating has paved the way for a new world of financial scams, emotional abuse, and even physical danger.

Often women are on multiple apps, dating multiple men, swiping hundreds of profiles and making decisions to meet up with someone based on very little or no information.  Slow the crap down!

I don’t mean to yuck your yum regarding the world of love via technology. You should do it. But if you aren’t savvy, it is easy to be duped (or worse). With hundreds of men on the Interweb, just know some losers are pretending to be someone they’re not. While most of the universe is guilty of presenting photos or writing profiles that perhaps shine a positive light on the truth (we would never do that, would we?), some dudes create sham profiles looking to exploit vulnerable women. (I’ve been one of those vulnerable women.)

“Catfishing” is a scam wherein some d-bag creates a fake profile with false information in order to trick another person into some sort of relationship.  Motives vary from boredom to revenge to monetary gains or worse.  (We will examine this ugly, bottom-feeding fish-dude freak in a later chapter.)

But do not despair, tender Tinderettes. Do not let fear deter you! Rest assured, there are red flags, common sense, and tangible precautions to take so you can freely enjoy the world of online dating… and have the fun you so rightfully deserve.

1. LOOK FOR SIGNS:

* His social media profiles are set to private:

He’s hiding something.

* He goes dark for large periods of time:

As in, he consistently responds to your texts, then suddenly doesn’t respond

for three days sending you into a state of extreme anxiety, creative

rationalizations, and manic texting with your friends… then he texts again

then goes dark again… while you completely freak out and piss off your

friends because you’re acting like Jan Brady in the “Marcia Marcia Marcia

episode.”

* You receive a text meant for someone else:

“Hey Peggy, whatcha wearing?”

* He avoids answering personal questions:

If he won’t give you his last name, DELETE.

* He turns even the most innocent text into a sext:

“Hey, P. Charlotte. Whatcha up to?”

“I’m working.”

“Oh, yeah? Are you working… in bed?”

“No.  I’m paying bills at my desk.”

“Oh, yeah?  I like to pay my bills… naked.”

“Okay.”

“What do you like to wear when you pay your bills?”

“I’m wearing flannel pajamas and pink fuzzy slippers.”

“Oh, baby, that’s making me so hot.  Whatcha got goin’ on under

those pajamas?

“Uh, a maxi pad and cotton underpants.”

“Ohhhh, baby.  You’re gonna make me explode…” etc…

* He flakes on plans at the last minute:

As in, he doesn’t really want to meet you in person, because you’ll find out

he’s actually a thirteen-year-old* boy… or a chick.

* He sends you an unsolicited dick pic.

Need I say more?

* When you don’t respond his text, he sends you forty-three more.

As in he’s obsessed, drunk, or most likely crazy.

  1. USE A REPUTABLE SITE THAT HAS ACCOUNTABILITY:

With over 2,500 sites to choose from in the U.S. alone, it’s a good idea to stick to those with proven reputations. Ask friends, read reviews, and check the site’s security measures. Some of the big online dating sites do background checks for sexual assault, identity theft, and violent crime.

But even with these precautions, things can slip through the cracks.  And let’s face it, the security measures available are using information given by the potential member. Ergo, it’s a good idea to do your own background checking. You haven’t lived until you and your gal pals have done margaritas and cyber sleuthing.

  1. CYBER SLEUTHING (Some places to poke around):

* Google:

The first stop for everything.

* LinkedIn:

You’re not going to get much personal information, but you will get a sense of his work life, whether he’s lied to you about it, and if he has a job.

* Social Media (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc.):

While there are some older gentlemen who perhaps do not partake in this new-fangled phenomenon, generally, most do.  And unless he’s hiding something, he’ll be out there somewhere.

(True story:  One of my girlfriends, upon some crafty Instagram investigation, discovered the man with whom she’d been dating and boinking (at the time she referred to it as “making love”) was, in fact, in a serious relationship.  She contacted said girlfriend (via Facebook), and together they taught Mario the Lothario the what’s what. Needless to say, he is now single, no longer on Instagram and his Facebook page said “buh bye.”  And no, this is not being made into a chick-flick buddy-comedy for a next summer release.)

* Criminal Checks:

If you want to take your sleuthing to the next level but don’t have the time to jump through the hoops required for an official state search, there are actual sites designed specifically for the online dater. Just search “online dating background checks” and you will find a smorgasbord of sites willing to play a game of bust-a-perv and deliver you a full report.

  1. FIRST DATE SAFETY RULES:

* Get to know as much about your date as possible before your initial meeting.

* Drive yourself, meet in a public place, and stay there.

* Never go home with a first date or bring him back to your place. (And if you bring him back to your place while your kids are there… I have no words.)

* Tell a friend where you’re going. Better yet, synchronize your mobile tracking devices. Even better, have your posse show up at meeting place in disguise. (Trust me, it’s fun.)

* Do not disclose too much personal information (i.e. your home address, social security number, mom’s maiden name, kids’ schools…)

* Keep your purse and phone with you at all times.

* Don’t get wasted.

* Keep your panties on.

* If he’s from out of town, he can rent a car and stay in a hotel. Do not go back to his hotel, and follow the above rules.

* Trust your instincts!

Many victims of online predators say they felt something was off, but didn’t do anything about it. If your tummy says, “I should get the hell out of here,” then get the hell out of there

  1. SECOND DATE RULES AND BEYOND:

* Let the relationship grow slowly.

* Continue to listen to your gut.

* Do not take any shit.

* Do not introduce him to your children or parents unless you are sure he’s a keeper.  Come to think of it, do not introduce him to your children or parents until after you’ve been married for one year.

 

Now go, be safe, and have fun!

You deserve it!