I want to hold her hand…forever.
The love of my life has been twelve for not quite a month and in that short time and especially lately, I have been taught some hard lessons.
Like I am pretty sure I need her more than she needs me.
At least that is the vibe she is sending me.
She recently was away with her Dad for a week. I texted her everyday. Her answers back were short. Meanwhile, I’m at home practically begging the dog to hang out with me. It’s not that I don’t want her to have fun, but can she miss me. A little?
She definitely laments when I feel compelled to sing loudly to music in the car, but I feel that is actually a rule for tweens.
She has remarked once or twice I dress like a teenager. But again, I feel that’s a requirement.
The punch to the guts are being asked why I am in her room. Do I plan on staying. Tucking herself in and now not even really saying goodnight to me.
Maybe I get a good morning.
If… I’m lucky.
However, the one that stung the hardest was a recent Saturday we spent together.
G & I make sure every Saturday we make plans. It can be as simple as watching a movie to as complex as a road trip, but with her fast approaching her teen years I want time with her. It’s our time to put everything away and just be.
We went and grabbed lunch and as we were getting ready to leave I asked her if she wanted to go anywhere else.
She said the mall.
I think I almost spit out my tea. My sweet girl is not a shopper. The only way she will go to Target is if I feed her and stick to a list. If we do go shopping once she is done. She is DONE.
I asked her again just so I was sure.
She said yes.
She wanted to go to Hot Topic.
There it was!
Hot Topic is her place. My free spirit loves anime and t-shirts and plushies (that’s tween for stuffed animals).
Hot Topic carries all her favorite shows and movies in some form of backpack, shirt or pin.
I sighed and said fine.
She smiled – huge.
I have always been the Mom who holds my child’s hand. Because I love her and I’m a bit overprotective.
We walk into the mall I hold my hand out which is code for grab my hand. My dutiful daughter does but also lets out a huge sigh.
I say quietly while we are walking “if it’s uncool to hold my hand I get it. You don’t have to hold my hand.”
She drops my hand and says “I’m letting go because you said I could, but yes it’s not cool.”
She must have noticed my face.
“Mom I love you, this is great. I will walk next to you.”
“Thanks, ok.” I squeak back.
I spend WAY too much money on a t-shirt for her.
When we got home she thanked me and quickly retreated to her room.
I found her a bit later.
I laid next to her… she grabbed my hand and held it.
G and I continue to enter uncharted territory and it’s rough sometimes.
But this is what I know, I will be 100 and she will always be my baby, my sun, my moon, my stars, the reason I try to be better.
Even if she won’t hold my hand at the stupid mall.
Much love Mommas