Tag Archives: motherhood

I Don’t Judge The Mom In Pajamas

I don’t judge the mom in pajamas….

It’s 7:45 am and I’m pulling up in the pickup line. Across the road comes a mom toting a baby and holding the hand of a 5-year-old. She is sporting tinker bell pajama pants and a winter coat. There was a time I would have judged this mother.

Hard.

A time before I had kids, before I experienced the never-ending exhaustion motherhood has to offer. A time when I didn’t have kids and thought I knew it all. Admit it we all thought we had motherhood figured out until they handed us a newborn!

Now I offer a smile. A sign of our sisterhood of mothers. I know the struggles of a mom, I have 3 kids under the age of 8 and most days it’s a circus! I don’t know how her day started or what she is battling. Who am I to judge? 

I had to learn this the hard way, I found myself running to Kroger for Tylenol after being up all night with a sick toddler and I realized halfway through my sprint across the store I never changed out of my flannel pajama pants. I felt ashamed. I couldn’t even put myself together or run a brush through my hair to go out in public, but then I realized something, the only person I care about right now is my sick toddler and he didn’t care if I was in pajamas so why should I?

As mothers we need to stop the judgement and offer smiles and words of encouragement instead. To some it may seem simple, get dressed, but to some that is just adding another chore to their endless mornings!

We have no idea if a mom is battling depression, if she’s a single mom with no support, or if she is a new mom just trying to figure it out. Lets all take a step back and remember the days we were deep in the trenches of motherhood and just trying to keep our head above water. Just smiling at another mom could change her entire day, and its effortless! Let’s all take a step back and remember we are in this together, this isn’t an endless competition of who is the best mother, it’s a sisterhood of all of us together just trying to survive. Reach out to the mom in pajamas maybe offer her a play-date, a cup of coffee, and a safe space to vent instead of a judgmental look. 

Serendipity

Warrior Mom Training 101

Warrior Mom Training 101:

Special Forces training in any branch of the Military is well-known as some of the toughest training and conditioning that exists…you must be optimally fit, quick to respond, ready for anything, tougher than nails, able to react in a split second and have the ability to solve problems instantaneously…you also must be able to endure physical pain, emotional discomfort and you must never, ever give up—there is no escape, no turning back, no “I don’t want to”—you have a mission and you must complete it or die trying. Period.

If you have never enlisted in the Military yet you crave this kind of training for excellence you will be happy to know there is another way to receive it…become a single mother.  I promise you that being a single mother will give you the training for excellence that you crave.  The drill is similar to what I described above, however in this situation the training never stops—the classroom is your life and the lessons never ending…

When you are ultimately responsible for another human being there are a lot of behaviors that you can no longer entertain…there is no “I don’t feel like it”, no “I can’t do it”, no “someone else will take care of it”, no “it’s not my problem”.  You have TO DO EVERYTHING, it’s all your problem and nobody cares if you “feel” like it or not…none of that even shows up on the screen.

No matter if you are sick, tired, lazy, angry, or sad you still have to take care of another human being…you have to see that they are clean, fed, safe, stable, happy and well-adjusted—even if you are not…

You are not allowed the grace of going to bed and pulling the covers over your head when life is looking shitty because someone is coming in your room, looking under the covers and asking you where their dinner is…

You may only have complete emotional meltdowns after your child is asleep and then you may only do it QUIETLY…there will be no crying loudly or howling in despair and it is really best if you lock yourself in the bathroom just in case the child awakens…not a good plan for your small person to see their beloved mother on her knees weeping in the living room—this could cause nightmares…and that just means you won’t sleep either…

As a single mother whose ex-husband lived in another state, I enjoyed the fact that someone talked to me from 6am until approx. 9pm, on weekdays there was a reprieve caused by school, however on the weekends the talking was non-stop from sun-up to sun-down(and now that he is 19 and has his own apartment there are TEXTS at all hours)…you may be filled with glee each Saturday and Sunday morning when you are joined in your bed by your son, Otter, Bunny, Kitty and Blue Covers…further enthralled when you are informed that you are TAKING UP TOO MUCH ROOM in your OWN bed.

There is no escape, no break, no quitting…there is only putting one foot in front of the other and doing the same thing over and over and over again…laundry, cleaning—constant cleaning, feeding, cooking, listening, explaining, yelling, crying, bathing, paying bills, working, taking care of the car, emptying trash, buying clothes, food shopping, changing shower heads and toilet seats, changing air filters, putting together toys, solving problems, teaching things, disciplining, etc, etc, etc

The list is endless…trust me.  And all of it must be done with a cheerful heart because ultimately it is the path I chose.  I chose not to live in a circumstance that was sucking the life out of me, I chose not to take child support or alimony because I wanted to move to another state and I wanted my ex to have travel money, I chose to raise this child as I saw fit and I chose not to give up who I was just to have someone to lean on…all of it my choice.  My choice was difficult, it was a hard road to hoe…some days were much more difficult than others; however I have no regrets, not one…never have.

This training and situation is not for everyone—certainly not for the faint of heart…and sometimes it is scary, however you make it through.  TRUST ME—YOU DO. 

Like the Special Forces, the single mother must be ready for anything, able to act or react in a split second depending on the circumstance at hand.  You must be physically tough and emotionally non-reactive and you must be able to solve a wide variety of problems, some of them involving legos and superheroes.  You must be able to endure picking up bugs and worms and must not run screaming when you see blood, you must carry Kleenex and anti-bacterial wipes and have emergency snack foods in your car at all times…band-aids too—you need band-aids.

The ultimate good news here is that this training will enable you to do ANYTHING…people are constantly asking me “how do you do all that you do?”—  My answer…I JUST DO IT…If I stopped to think about how I can do what needs to be done, nothing would get accomplished…you just DO IT, it doesn’t matter if you are tired, sick, overwhelmed, cranky, mad, sad…you just do it.  

How I feel on any given day doesn’t matter—no one else was there to run the companies, or get my son ready for camp, or pack lunch, or make breakfast, or drive to school…there was just me and I just DID it.

You have to create your life the way you want it, in every moment you have the choice to be enthusiastic or fowl, productive or lazy, angry or forgiving…there is no one else running your movie…it is just you, so make the best of it.

I Changed My Last Diaper

Today I packed away diapers to be donated, I changed my last diaper. I never again will change the diaper of my own child. It is a sobering thought. Suddenly, the baby of the family isn’t a baby. He is a big boy in underwear. 

I did not realize I would take this so hard. I was excited to be out of the diaper game, excited my kids were becoming independent, and excited to watch how they were growing, but then tiny underwear and bras started showing up in my laundry and heart took a beating. I suddenly realized I was not ready as I thought I was. 

I wanted to stop putting baby teeth under pillows, stop the homework game, and stop donating tiny clothes. I want to bask in the scent of a newborn and struggle to find a new normal as I adjust to parenthood, I want to start over. I want my babies back. 

But alas they aren’t really ours, are they? They belong to themselves and we are on borrowed time with them, time that seems to shorten every day. We have a responsibility to raise them to do better and be better than we ever imagined we would be. 

So, I cry. I cry at the ever-changing season of parenthood I’m currently in. Praying for time to slow down but basking in the time I have now. I’ll spend another morning folding little, tiny underwear knowing soon they’ll outgrow them, and I’ll start the mourning process of their childhood all over again. 

Its an amazing experience to raise a child. I am lucky to be raising three. I am in multiple levels of parenthood at same time. But I will never start over, everything I do with my youngest I do for the last time and its heart wrenching but beautiful at the same time. I realize my days of being a parent will never end, but childhood ends, and their needs will differ. I am preparing myself for a future but also enjoying the present. 

Here is to you parents. Out here doing things for the last time. Folding your last onesie, making your last bottle, and changing your last diaper. Have a glass of wine on me and bask in it. You have come so far! There is no going back, but there is a grand future ahead of you full of little underwear, school projects, and independence in your children. 

Serendipity

I Am Doing The Best I Can

I am doing the best I can… I realized that the other day, as I was pulling my hair out about numerous events that seem to be spiraling out of control.  I had to remind myself that I am doing the best I can  in all areas of my life.  As a mother, a parent, a friend, a coworker, and a daughter…. 

It is 4pm on a Thursday and I get a notification from the school that my daughter has 3 unexcused absences from periods 4, 5, and 6.  I thought how can that be…she was here in her room doing her distance learning.  So, I go to ask her “why she has an absence from a class when I know she was doing her school work today”… and her answer.. “ I am so sorry, I fell asleep during periods 4, 5, and 6 today.  

I thought how in the world can this happen… And at the same time I thought… I am such a failure as a mom.  I am not sure if I was angry that she missed the classes or upset at myself.  I should have been more diligent with her that day.  I thought to myself… should I be constantly checking on her to make sure she is doing her school work.  

I went through this entire scenario of how I need to enforce additional rules for their distance learning.. And stewed over it the entire night, going back and forth on all the things I was going to enforce from now on… And then I had to remind myself that I was a teenager and I fell asleep in class… many times and that was in person class.  

And I also had to remind myself that, I have my own responsibilities that need to get completed during the day..  And I admit that when I get engrossed with phone calls, emails, conference calls, and zoom calls. I tend to forget that I have 2 teenagers at home doing distance learning.  I also can not constantly check on them, they need to be just as responsible as in school.

And we are all just doing the best we can…if falling asleep in class is the worst that happens right now… ohh well.  

In the last few months, I have realized  that I am doing the best I can.  I am not going to get stressed out about missing classes, running late to soccer practice, skipping church, etc… 

I can only handle so much.  I can only do so much.

I can not get everything done that I would like too.  I have really had to cut back and remind myself that little is better sometimes.  

I would love to be the friend that can be there for everyone right now… Instead I limit my time  and plan time for just me. 

I would love to be the granddaughter that calls my grandma once a week to check in… Instead I mail her a package every few weeks.   

I would love to make home cooked meals for my kids every night… Instead I plan one night so we get leftovers for a few.  And treat us to ordering out another night.  

I would love to have family movie night every friday night, where we all agree on the same movie, we eat popcorn, and no one argues… instead I am happy with one night every few weeks where at least one kid makes it through the entire movie.  And I do not fall asleep…

These are the things that I have learned, that I can manage… I would love to do it all, but I am doing the best that I can.   And I have really learned that..that is ok.  

-Snarky

www.snarkydivorcedgal.com

Taking A Time Out

It’s ok to give yourself a time out… the other night I had hit my breaking point with everything…

My kids had been bickering and fighting all day about who was going to take the dog out.  Everything that I seemed to ask them to do they ignored.  They had left a million dirty dishes all over the kitchen.  But they constantly wanted things from me…

One was texting me her latest list of “essential” items to order from Amazon, which included new light switch covers.   One had decided that today,  he needed to have his milk poured for him and he is 10.  And the final one who is still on quarantine thought I was going to wash all of the 14 days of dishes and food piled up in her room… and side note, I now know why we have no food in the pantry.  As I write this, I think about how minimal t it all sounds, but how it all just adds up to your breaking point.

I think at times they forget that there is only one of me and 3 of them… Besides the parenting stress, there is just the daily overload of work, changing school schedules, and the holidays.

So, I decided to grab my own snacks (from my hidden stash), wine, and head to my room.  I shut the door and turned on one of my favorite christmas movies, the Christmas Chronicles.  It took them about a half hour before one barged in and asked for something.  And my response was that I was watching a movie by myself and I was in a time out.  Shockingly, they must have know I meant it because none of them continued to both me.  They let me watch my movie in peace.  The one that could not even pour his own milk, had even figured out to make his own dinner in that period of time.

I kind of felt like a toddler throwing a tantrum, but it felt so good.  We all need time outs just as much as kids.  We need that time by ourselves to regroup and regain control of ourselves.  And it is totally ok to take time for yourself and even tell your kids you need a “time out”.

And as much as I wanted to blame it all on my kids, many times I am just as much to blame.

Besides the kids that day, I had overloaded my schedule way too much.  I had taken the day off of work to have a relaxing day and instead I had planned way to much.  I had once again packed way to much into a 24 hour period.  So, I needed to regroup and replan the next few days of my vacation.  I definitely did not want the next few days to go like that day.  I wanted to enjoy my time with the kids, but also have time to get a few things done.   I  did not want to turn into that raging lunatic mom again.

The beginning of the holiday season always makes me anxious because it the endless list of things that need to get done…from decorating the house, shopping, cookie making, lights outside, etc…. I need to remind myself that everything does not need to get done that day.  That I need to take time and enjoy it all.

I also need to remember that sometimes it is ok not to do everything.  In the last few years, I have really cut my “to-do list”.  I have learned to turn down many invitations and just make it as simple as possible.  Also, my days never go as planned, I have 3 kids and there are always unexpected things that come up with them.  As they get older, they all have new things they want to do over the holidays.  And I have to compromise now because they have their own agenda on what they would like to do during the season.

So, I have tried to take more time to notice the signs.  The signs of when I feel like I am taking on too much and need a break.  I am not always the picture perfect mom to my kids, I want them to see that some days as hard.  That I also need time to myself and to just go take that “time out”.  And that its ok for moms to have tantrums just like toddlers…

-Snarky

www.snarkydivorcedgal.com

The Guarded Mom

The guarded mom….

Normally I write these and tell you about the song I am listening to and what I am drinking. No music but milk tea. Lots of milk tea. It’s my new favorite thing.

There are quotes all over Pinterest about guarded women. I would take it a step further and say I’m a guarded Mom.

I realized this a long time ago but this weekend it came front and center. My daughter was trying to get in touch with her Dad to tell him about her grades. Her texts kept bouncing back. I found this out when I heard her crying in her room. I got my phone and put him on speaker. When I started to explain to him what happened he started to get defensive as he does. My daughter gave me a look. I was able to diffuse the situation and she was able to tell her Dad about her grades.

I want to tell you I haven’t spent the last eleven years diffusing everything but if you read what I write. You know that’s not true. And it’s exhausting. I have to think about everything I say. Everything I post. Even writing these blogs I worry sometimes.

My constant diffusing has meant I also keep certain parts of me to myself. I have only taken one vacation by myself. My daughter has only met one person that I have dated.  Up until I started writing and doing radio again all my social media was private and most of it, still is.

I worry when I do go out somehow my ex husband will turn it around on me.  That worry has made me say no. That worry has made me put things in place so my daughter will always have someone when it can’t be me. That worry has made me appear anti social. To some like I don’t care. That I’m closed off.

The thing is I care with my whole heart. I made a promise to my daughter the first time her Dad broke her heart I would be as she calls me- her knightress.

Sometimes a Knight has to guard her heart, but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t have one. She’s just keeping it safe for battle.

Being a Mom is the best thing, the hardest thing and my favorite thing.

Be safe.

Love you Mommas

G’s Knightress

Caprise

I Am Lost In Life

I am lost in life….

Have you ever been in your car driving and suddenly look up and realize that you have no idea where you are?  Your GPS is still plugging along telling you where to go but at the same time you’re not quite sure it knows where it’s going, and you know that you sure the hell don’t.

Last year some girlfriends and our daughters went to Cancun, Mexico for a girl’s trip.  I was elected to drive to the airport because I had the biggest vehicle (and the most luggage). Our trip to the airport was uneventful. Seems like I had been there hundreds of times. But when we got home, I set my GPS for home and between its directions and me we went on one of the wildest rides of our lives.  I kept following the blue road but every time I did, we were rerouted and a 25-minute trip turned into 1 ½ hours.  (I’ll bet I’m never asked to drive again!  Ha-ha!)

Well I’m lost again.  This time in life. You see, I have been a stay at home mom for over 20 years.  I have 3 kids, the youngest being 17 and a senior in high school next year.  Ever since my firstborn was born, I have devoted myself to being a mother.  Everything I did revolved around kids and their schedules and juggling my husband’s work and travel schedule, and homeschooling, and on and on.  But the one person I never did focus on, or revolve around, was me.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved every minute of being a stay at home mom.  I think in part because before kids I was a full out career woman.  I became a CPA, worked for one of the largest corporations in America, jetted here and there for work.  Sometimes I would get home at 10:00 at night.  I would just go to sleep and get up and do the whole thing over again.  And I loved it.  I felt so smart and important with my briefcase, laptop, wearing my trendy suits bopping through airport after airport.  I was important! I was somebody!

Then one day I wasn’t feeling quite well.  Actually, I hadn’t in quite a few days.  I had come home from work at a decent hour and made one of our favorite meals – Chicken Casserole!  I will never forget when the timer went off and I opened the oven to pull our beloved meal out.  The smell overwhelmed me! And for the first time, it didn’t smell good!  I ran from the kitchen hoping my husband would grab the food, which he did, and well….it wasn’t pretty. What in the world was wrong with me?  I started thinking.  My “monthly visitor” had never visited me on a regular basis if you get my drift.  But how long had it actually been this time. I looked at the calendar and it had been 8 weeks!  WHAT!!!  That has happened before but this time I just felt like something was different.  And I was right.  After a quick trip to Rite Aid I found out the next morning that the biggest blessing I would ever experience was about to visit me in about 7 months.

I am unashamed to admit that at that moment I didn’t feel as though a blessing was coming.  I felt as though it was something, or someone, who was going to disrupt and tear down the beautiful life that I had built for myself.  I couldn’t have been more wrong.  Once I laid eyes on that beautiful face and heard that faint little cry, I found a love inside me that I never knew existed.  And that set the stage for the next 20+ years.

I was so happy raising my kids!  Everything from their painful births to the birthday parties and playdates and summer days at the pool and sweltering nights at the ballpark.  I was happy!  I loved my kids!  I loved being their “go-to” person.  I loved being a mom! And I think for the first time in my life, I loved me.

Well, just like that I wake up one day to a house full of adults.  My children were no longer playing with toys or going on playdates or needed a ride.  They could drive themselves wherever they needed to go. And they did. They could cook better than I could.  And they did.  They could do their own laundry. And they did. They were independent and responsible.  They didn’t need me.

Wait!  What???!!! I always bought matching outfits for them for every holiday and had professional portraits made and proudly hung them throughout my house.  My life had been cooking and cleaning and shopping and running these three beautiful heart-stealers from place to place.  Now, all of a sudden, it was like……. well it was like crickets.  No one needed me. And I was lost.  And I still am.

I’m here in my house with a bunch of adults who all think they know more than anyone else including me and I realize that I have no purpose. At least I feel that way. My purpose went from handling the finances for a Fortune 500 Company, to raising three beautiful people to be responsible adults someday. And that day was suddenly here.  They are beautiful people and I couldn’t be prouder of them!

I know that there is a purpose for me somewhere or I wouldn’t still be an occupant on this plant. But for right now I’m still searching.  Still searching for that thing that makes my heart flutter when I think about it. Still searching for someone, something, anyone or anything to say “Hey!  We need you here!  We’ve been waiting for a person just like you!”

I want to be wanted. I want to be needed. Right now, I feel neither of those things.  With this pandemic I actually do have a lot of roles to fill.  I’m back to cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, for everybody in the house because they are either working from home or taking online classes or both. People ask me why I do this.  I say, “Why not?”  I’ve been looking for an Accounting job but no luck so far.  I hate thinking negatively but many times I find myself thinking, “Who wants an Accountant who hasn’t accounted for anything except her kids for 20+ years?”

Yes, I’m lost.  But I will find my way.  God has a purpose and plan for me.  For whatever reason I either haven’t seen it yet, or it hasn’t been shown to me yet.  Or maybe both.  I will make it.  I will reinvent myself into something /someone I never thought I could be. And when I do, I will look back on my life and see all the paths and roads that brought me to this place.  I refuse to give up hope.  After all, without hope, what is there?  Well, I am here.  Ready for my new beginning and I fully believe that a new beginning awaits me.  After I find my way from where I was to where I am supposed to be.

~Sherri

Lord Help Me Become

Lord help me….I’m sure you’ve seen the bumper sticker that reads, “Lord please help me to become the person my dog thinks I am.” Yea, that too, but I’d rather be the person my 7 year old son believes I am.

I could never be the “World’s Best Mother”. I couldn’t if I tried. Motherhood has got to be the most rewarding, fulfilling, but incredibly and insanely difficult job ever imagined! There are so many thinks to take into consideration. This is my chance to make the world a better place, to donate the best adult I can to this world. Each night I go into his room to check on him after he goes to sleep and each night I pray I can do justice to God’s Precious Gift to Me. I pray I can be what he needs me to be, and the strength to follow through to be a better mother. But to my son, he thinks I’m the World’s Best Mom simply because we went to Taco Bell.

I’ve also been told I “rock”. I’m not entirely sure what that means, but I’m guessing that’s a good thing… Last night at his Boy Scout Meeting, they had “Paper Airplane Derbies”. If you haven’t been to a Boy Scout Meeting, it’s predominately a “guy thing”. At most of his Boy Scout functions, I’m a bit out of my element. Take the camping trip a couple weeks ago: 8 little guys, 7 grown ones, and me. The only girl. But I go, have fun, go hiking, and sleep on the ground, even though I prefer “Camp Marriott” or “Camp Holiday Inn”. I’m learning how fathers and sons interact, and am taking notes you see, I’m a single mother. It can be tough to be a single mother. But you know what? Apparently, I’m doing OK! All it took for my son to say, “Mom, you rock!” was knowing how to fold a great paper airplane. Who knew? He lost, but you know what? I rocked!

He tells me I’m the “World’s Best Cooker”. I’ve made my mom’s recipe of Mac and Cheese accompanied by Bar-Be-Que Weenies…one of his favorites. I almost have it – never being quite as good my mother’s, of course. I’ve tried several ways to fry chicken, finally have a way that’s almost as good as KFC’s – almost. I’ve read cookbooks, made pastries, fresh biscuits, and fresh pasta with only flour, eggs, mild, and a rolling pin. Yet to become the “World’s Best Cooker”, all it takes is a cheap box of mac and cheese and an even cheaper can of hot dog sauce. Necessity is the mother of invention: I call it Chili Mac, and it costs about $1.00 to make.

But when I look in the mirror, I don’t see the “World’s Best Mom”, or “The World’s Best Cooker”. I see an aging single women who never reached her full potential. I see every mistake I made, re-live every bad choice I ever made, and feel my heart ache for that one great guy I pushed away. I see all the choices made leading to the fact I’m a single mother.

I see my former classmates conquering the world, setting out to do the very things they dreamed and said they would do. I know in my heart of was capable of the same accomplishments, but I’m here struggling with meal planning on $1.00. My choices and were different. Maybe I should have done this, maybe I should have done that…and I would be able to provide better for my son. However, I woke up one day almost 40 years old, graying hair, never married, no house of my own, no new car, no savings account…and every goal I set for myself unfinished. I re-live some mistakes and bad choices, and see the lost opportunities. Mistake after mistake after mistake. I see a person who loves her son dearly, but could’ve done a better job of providing if only…

“Mamma”, my son asks, “did you ever do anything wrong?”

How does he see an entirely different person? How does that happen?

If I could just be the person my son believes I am…

Not a day goes by that I don’t love my son more and more. Last night when his paper airplane didn’t win, he was upset. I explained good sportsmanship, sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. He was still upset, a mix of being mad and crying. I tried to get him to laugh. He said he wanted to stay mad and didn’t want to laugh. Well, he started laughing. He looks up at me, immediately smiles, and gives me the BIGGEST hug and says, “Mom, we sure have some good times, don’t we?”

I wouldn’t change my life for anything.

 

Something Positive For A Change,

Karen

The View From Here, A Maine Focus

 

I wrote this 18 years ago, and my son is now 24 years old. He paid his way through college with no debt, bought and paid for his car that is nicer and newer than anything I have ever owned. He is preparing to move into his brand new and freshly built home with his girlfriend with a balcony view of the ocean. I was a proud mom then, and an even prouder mom now! 

Being A Mom Of A Tween

Being the mom of a tween….

It is Saturday evening and the  Foo Fighters “White Limo” is blaring in my ears.

No crazy beverage, just ice water.

I’m enjoying the sunset and the moon is starting to come out. As much as I dread how early it’s getting dark again, I will always appreciate a calm summer night.

Especially after the last couple days. My daughter turned thirteen, a tween, in June and for the most part… no blowouts.

Until the middle of this past week.

I went into her room before I started my work day and asked her to get cleaned up.

Mind you she is not asked to do much. She has a few chores but my rules I think aren’t too crazy.

Out of nowhere I get a side eye and an attitude the size of Texas.

I stand there for a second.

I calmly say. “You know what I don’t deserve to be talked to that way and it doesn’t feel good. Get dressed.”

“Mom I didn’t mean to”

“No, I’m not doing this.”

I walked out of her room. Because I’m ashamed to say, I got teary. My worst fear happened.

All the books. The articles.

Granted this wasn’t huge. But she’s never given me the attitude. It hurt. It hurts because I get the attitude and I know all the sacrifices that are made in this house. All the things that are done for her. 

I started answering emails. When she came into my room and flopped on my bed.

“Mom I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too kid. This is a weird time isn’t it?”

“Yup.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too Mom. I am crabby. I’m kinda mad about stuff.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Yes and I need hugs”

And we did. For about an hour. We are both wearing our emotions closer to the surface than probably normal. She misses certain routines. There are pieces of her life that have dramatically changed. She is worried. 

I have said this before, sometimes in all of this we don’t stop and take a breath. Listen. Ask. Tell.

We don’t always meet people with grace. Now sometimes they don’t deserve it, but I’ll let you figure that out.

When we got done talking I thanked my daughter. I told her I know it’s hard to share but I’d rather hear the hard stuff than have her feel the way she did.

And this rollercoaster ride of being a Mom of tween continues.

 

Be safe and much love Mommas.

<3 Caprise

I Need A Reality Check

I need a reality check…

As I write this as I do every week I am listening to music this week it’s NEEDTOBREATHE “Banks.”

One of the lyrics is “baby  you don’t have to do it by yourself. Want be there when darkness closes in to make the truth a little clearer.”

While I am an incredibly independent person. I keep quite a bit of my life private.

I have moments.

Especially right now in the midst of all of this. I gesture broadly. I begin to wonder as I watch the tenth  romcom on Netflix and  say I don’t want it, but really I do. If I ever will. Have it. That elusive kinda all or nothing relationship and maybe that’s a deep dive for another time.

I have moments where  I feel less than. Where the littlest thing feels like the biggest thing. Where I absolutely can not see that light at the end of the tunnel. Where I second guess everything.

Then the guilt comes. I have so much. More than a lot of other people especially right now.

But in this I have gotten to live in my head a little.

Ok, a lot.

I need a reality check.

There are so many things I wish I could take back. There are so many things I wish I could say. There are so many things I wish I had done.

I am heading into my fifth month of essentially wearing outfits that can be work or nighttime wear as I rarely leave the house.  I really can’t stand seeing my face on ZOOM anymore.

I started out with a pixie and now have graduated to a shaggy bob.

I’m really not sure if I will be able to wear shoes or jeans again.

Meanwhile, I am doing that thing you/ I should never do. I’m comparing myself to these women who are baking the banana bread, teaching their children French and look immaculate everyday.

I might be exaggerating a little.

We’ve been put in this fishbowl and now things I normally don’t see or wouldn’t see or don’t care about.

There they are.

In my face.  All the time.

But then out of nowhere while I am writing this very blog, having a gigantic pity party.

My taller than, me thirteen year old asks if she can have a cuddle.

She gets a pillow and puts it in my lap. She gets quiet. I ask her what’s wrong.

She gestures at the air.

“This.”

I hug her.

Suddenly I really don’t care that I have been living in t-shirts. I can’t imagine how she is feeling. Her school year ended abruptly. She couldn’t celebrate becoming a teenager with a big party like we had hoped. She sees her friends sporadically and when they do see each other it’s six feet apart with masks because we are in the part of the country where cases are spiking. Her new school year will be virtual. She won’t get to play the only sport she loves.

She has only seen her Dad once.

And in all of this you know what SHE did? She took my phone and put daily reminders telling I’m beautiful. I’m loved. She put post it’s on the mirrors with positive sayings.

She always says I love you. I get all the hugs I can handle.

Even during all of THIS.

THIS is something I continue to struggle to put words to. But I’m incredibly thankful for the amazing human that keeps it real for me.

My reality check.

No more pity parties. I am not less than I am someone’s Mom and that is definitely more than enough.

Much love Mommas

Be safe

<3 Caprise