The mom rollercoaster…….
It is Sunday. As I do music in my ears.. Coffee in my mug. Writing. Today’s. Song is David Gray “This Year’s Love.” It’s a beautiful lament about someone he loves and the hope it sticks. Not really relevant to this blog but I would be lying if I didn’t say it is definitely hitting some things for me.
Maybe a blog for another time. Today is about my daughter. This extra time while what we both needed has also given us time to have some deep conversations.
About her Dad and I.
I naturally assumed she was too little to remember the constant fights. I wrongly assumed that even after we left because they weren’t as frequent that would make it easier on her.
I naturally assumed because we didn’t do it in front of her she didn’t notice.
Since I used the word assumed several times. If you are assuming I was wrong you are correct.
My daughter writes. Tons of stories. Her characters are off shoots of her friends and herself. Bits and pieces. Some truths, some exaggerations. Like all storytellers do.
Last night she was telling me about one of her new characters and it opened up a conversation about how much her Dad and I fought.
She point blank asked me why I never shut him down. It goes without saying I started to cry.
I asked her if she thought I enjoyed arguing in general. She said no you are incredibly kind Mom.
I said right. I asked if she had ever heard of the path of least resistance.
She said no.
I explained to her. Sometimes it is easier to just let things go then fight back. Other times you have to yell to be heard. For me there felt like there was never a right way.
I can’t tell her – your Dad was emotionally abusive. I can’t tell her I would start to have panic attacks at 4pm everyday because that is when he came home.
I can’t tell her how I had to ask him permission to even change the color of our living room curtains.
I told her she is my favorite person. I love her more than anything. I am not perfect, I mess up and I am sorry that she was ever made to feel anyway by seeing her Dad and I fight. But not to feel she couldn’t continue to ask me about things. To not feel we couldn’t continue to talk about things. She needs to know she may not always like the answers and I may not give them to her.
I am not going to lie to you Mommas my heart hurts a little from this. I tried really hard to bubble wrap her from some of this and it appears I forgot the tape.
All I can do is keep talking.
Keep telling her I love her.
Keep on keeping on.
This Mom thing is quite the ride,a rollercoaster, but it’s my favorite of all of them.
Much love Mommas