The secret know…..the last few weeks I have really been thinking about what I want in a relationship. Maybe because for the first time in a long time, I’m kinda sorta in one.
It’s hard for me to let my guard down. Let someone in. Say this is my person.
I have mentioned this before I am afraid. I have let myself want things I didn’t think I could have, only to have them taken away.
Then I realize fear should not be my guide.
Caution sure. But fear. Then I’ll never move forward. I can’t use it as my shield to not be honest with myself or others. I think sometimes I do.
In fact I know I do.
It’s easier to walk away when you don’t let someone completely in.
On the flip-side I think it has also made me settle.I have maybe looked the other way in certain situations out of fear.Both of committing and if I’m being honest. Being alone.
After my divorce I plunged headfirst into a relationship with an ex boyfriend. He moved back to our home state to be with me. I was overwhelmed by the gesture. Except he moved closer to his family, not me. We were together for a really long time and in that time he never tried to meet my daughter. One grand gesture can’t forgive that.
Yet for the longest time I let it. Among other things.
I casually started dating. It felt like Lemony Snickett and a Series of Unfortunate Events.I think it was fifty percent me and fifty percent them.And to be honest … dating is hard. Dating after divorce. Harder. Dating divorced with children is even harder. Dating with children and you’re over a certain age – hardest. Then out of nowhere I reconnected with an old friend and here we are trying to figure it out.
Well ok, I am.
How much do I let him in?
How much do I tell my daughter?
Do I tell my daughter?
How much do I ask for?
What can I ask for?
For some of you reading this you may be thinking what is the problem?
I was what you’d like to call a late bloomer.
I feel like I’m learning again and it’s terrifying and exciting.Secretly, I do kinda know what I want.
A partner in crime.
Who recognizes I have legitimately built my life around my daughter. So I want to let you in. It’s just scary. I have to think of her. Just have to.
I want the cheesy..
Not all of it but some.
I have never had it. Ever.
I have always been an afterthought even in my own marriage.
I am kinda of over that. Not kinda. I am.
You know when you were a kid and you got picked last on a team? That is how it has been for me in my relationships. Maybe because I’m so independent I have accepted it as part of being independent. But there’s a line and I think I’ve let too many people cross it.
I said it last week and I will say it again.
To not be afraid.
To not be afraid to want things.
To ask for them.
To not be embarrassed or feel bad that I want them.
I keep thinking I tell my daughter to embrace who she is and lean into all the things that make her great. What would she think if she knew her Mom doesn’t know how to speak up for herself when she cares about someone?
A friend sent me a meme recently it was:
Friend: I need some advice. Me: eating a tube of cookie dough. “You’ve come to the right place.”
I have never identified with a meme more.I support and cheer-lead the people I love.Yet here I am a bit helpless. A lot clueless. Still scared.
I think I know what I want. Now this guarded girl needs to work on phase two.
Please pass the cookie dough on your way out…
Much love Mommas