Tag Archives: love

Be Better In The Middle Of Your Grief

What on earth? How many tears can one body produce? How many boxes of tissues must you go through? And what’s up with the mad… sad… content… tears… misery… anger… denial… tears… happy….. anxiety… pissed off… acceptance and back to sad again? Welcome to the “Stages of GRIEF”.

Can you hear yourself.… “Really? Can’t I just go back to sleep and then it will all go away? What about a therapist, won’t that cure the crabbiness? I know, I know…. chocolate. That always makes me feel better? Waaaaaah.

You have good days and bad days. And the triggers come out of nowhere and at the most obscure times let alone when you’re not expecting it. And the rollercoaster ride of Grrrrrief seems to be going and going and going. When will it stop?

And not for nothing but…..

You want your life back the way it was. You want the to-do’s back in order and the schedule back on track. You really want a do-over. Why is going through the Stages of Grief so hard? Well it JUST IS. Seriously. Nobody wants to be the one left behind, nobody plans to lose a loved one, and nobody knows what its like until they experience it. Nobody can judge the length of time it takes you, nobody can heal your heart and nobody can wipe the tears to stop. Just you. If you trust God, like I do, turn to Him in your sadness and ask for healing. Do what you have to do and press on with joy in the sadness.

Maybe just maybe, when you’re on the other side of this, you can be a smile in someone else’s grief, share a hug, speak a kind word, offer a nice gesture. Do something to ease their pain because you remember how hard it was for you. But for now…..be a better you in the middle of your grief.

 

Your God Girl,

Tracy xoxo

NOTW-Not Of This World

“Not of this world”…I’ve known these four words for a long time.  Thought it.  Read it.  Lived it.  Every day, still, I work on reminding myself that I am Not Of this World.  Being the God-girl that I am, you’d think I wouldn’t have to remind myself… but I do.  I am IN the world but not OF it.  This World we live in….it’s a powerful place.  God’s power is ever present and much, much more powerful… BUT if my eyes are not on Him and my eyes are here, looking around me, comparing, challenging, competing.  I’m sucked in.  I’m doomed.  There is power and money and fame and popularity and attention and affection EVERYWYERE.  I can have those things, but at what cost?

In my younger years when I thought the World was the place to find all of these things, I charged forward, I had it all figured out, all lined up.  I was successful.  I climbed the corporate ladder-stepping on who was in my way, I dated the handsomest of men-spitting them out if they didn’t please me, I hung out with beautiful girlfriends-controlling where we went and what we did.  I judged, I ruled, I competed, I was soooo popular.  BUT I was sad and lonely and alone.  I created my life to satisfy me and yet….oh and I was satisfied – or so I thought….but the satisfaction never lasted so there I was again…going at it.  The cost?  My soul.  I did whatever I had to do to be liked and accepted and important. And I was empty.

Now my life is of substance.  I have friendships and money and things.  BUT it’s all from God and for God.  Money, blessings, miracles, love…all of it.  HIS.  I am here to be a steward.  I am a beacon of His love and light.  I am here to shout it from the rooftops that I am Not Of This World.  I am of His World.  You’ll know it by my words, my actions, my compassion AND by my tattoo.

Your God Girl,

Tracy xoxo

Unconditional Love

In order to begin this conversation with you; I must first define the word – Unconditional.

Webster’s defines unconditional as without conditions or reservations; absolute.

My question to you —is there such a thing as giving too much or loving too much?  My answer to this is, NO—if the giving and the loving are unconditional.  Unconditional loving and giving are I’m afraid, rarer than you may imagine.  There are people that love so that they will get something in return…love, money, happiness, sex, material things etc…there are unspoken conditions on their loving and when the other person fails to deliver, the love is taken away in punishment.  The same is true for some folks in the giving department…they give and then they expect something in return and when they don’t get it, problems arise.

There is also the case of the person suspect of being unconditionally loved or given to—this indicates an inability to receive on their end…you see in order to be a balanced giver you must be able to receive as graciously as you give…there are those that only want to give and become very uptight when on the receiving end of gifts or love.  They wonder what the other person is “up to” giving all these gifts and expressing all this love, they become certain that things cannot be as simple as they seem—there must be some ‘ulterior motive’ to all this generosity…

Funny thing is if you gain a deep understanding of how life really works you would love and give yourself SILLY…for those of us that get it there is nothing else to do but give and give and give and love people unconditionally…really and truly that is what we are here for…to share…to share ourselves and our ‘stuff’…

So many people walk around so tightly wound up about what is ‘theirs’ and what hoops have to be jumped through in order for someone to gain their love…there are times when we see what people are really made of and sadly those times mostly come when tragedy strikes…do you remember how loving and generous people were with each other after 9-11-2001?  Strangers helping each other however they could, sharing, offering love, strength, help, money, clothes, food…anything — we all gave anything we had and we were glad to do so…we allowed ourselves to feel love for people just because and it made us all stronger at a time when we needed it most…well what happened folks???

Did our need for generous hearts subside???  No, in fact it seems to me that we could use generous hearts more than ever right now—-we could use a lot less complaining and criticism and a lot more unconditional giving and loving.  Look around you—the world needs a lot of help from people that understand…there are so many things that we could say are wrong, however when do we begin to say what’s right with everything?  That kind of looking starts with you…there is good in everything, you just need to have faith that it is there and then you have to be willing to SEE it…sometimes it takes awhile…

We have to wake up, we have to be responsible to make things better for ourselves and everyone around us—there is nobody else folks, this is our job.

It is IMPOSSIBLE to:

love too much, give too many presents, celebrate too many things, be too forgiving, be too generous, be too happy, see too much good, help too many people, give too much money, volunteer too much, serve too much…

Nobody ever died from giving too much of themselves, actually it enlivens and empowers you…maybe you should give it a whirl, may make you live longer…when you get busy contributing to other people your own small grievances hardly show up anymore…

I leave you with a quote from St. John of the Cross:

“A generous heart will never care

to go part way; it won’t be cowed

if there is passage anywhere,

but set out on the hardest road;

nothing can cause it misery,

and with faith soaring like a cloud

it feeds on something I don’t know

that one may come on randomly.”

 

~Noelle

Empathy-Wearing Your Heart On Your Sleeve?

The word empathy is a noun. It means the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

Depending on who you talk to it can also be viewed as a sign of weakness. Empathy. Being in touch with your emotions, wearing your heart on your sleeve.

I can’t tell you how many ex’s have told me I’m too sensitive.

I have been told by those closest to me it is the thing the love and hate the most about me. They know it means I keep my heart open when I shouldn’t. I cry when I am mad. I read into things. I can be jealous. But if I love you. I love you with all my soul. I will take care of you. Gestures no matter how small mean everything and I will do what I can in my guarded way to make sure you know.

I know guarded and empathetic seem like they don’t go but it’s the empathy that makes me guarded. Until it doesn’t.

But this isn’t about me. It’s about my proud Mommy moment.

Watching my beautiful daughter turn into a nurturer. Be aware of others around her and want to take care of them. Most recently with her cousins who are visiting from the East coast. She sees them if she is lucky once a year. Since she is an only child she refers to them as her cousin/siblings. She is in middle school so we have definitely started with some preteen eye rolls and occasional comment.

Overall though she shows me somewhere along the way she got the importance of being kind and caring. Don’t get me wrong she still stands her ground.

Do you know how great it is to be in a conference with four teachers and have them tell me how kind she is?Get that in an email from her guidance counselor.

In how she describes her friends. She makes sure to highlight details. Explain. Tell you why it’s ok. She listens.

Every night she tells me she loves me. She does the same when she leaves for school in the morning. She recognizes some of her friends are different but makes sure to impress upon us why it’s important it’s not a big deal. Her eyes are wide open and so is her beautiful heart.

In a world where people can be so incredibly cruel it makes me so proud my girl is making her own path and leading with a strong heart.

I’m a proud Mama. Who is also sending all of you lots of love from heart on my sleeve.

~~Caprise

Single Mom of the amazing Dbl G
Teacher
Sometime DJ
T-shirt collector
Henry Rollins Middle Aged Punk Prom Date

Battles In Every Day

Battles. There are battles every day for you to face. The most powerful one is the battle in your mind. You could be happy one minute and sad the next. Joyful one and mad the next. On track one minute and falling apart the next. AND…. there may not be any rhyme or reason as to why except- it just is.

Can you see it coming? Can you feel it as it’s showing up? Can you name it and claim it and do something about it? That’s the key. Can you do something about it? With God you can for sure!

Then the next questions is, do you want to? Do you want to live for your higher purpose? Do you want to live the life God has planned out for you? Do you want to take on the Battle in your mind and make it right?

The enemy is sly. And a liar. So you’ve got to ask yourself, why on earth are you listening to that!!!? Jesus has more power in His baby finger than satan has in his whole army. Seriously! The devil comes to steal, kill and destroy and God came so that You may LIVE. So the next time there SEEMS to be a battle going on, remember you have on the armour of God and NOTHING can penetrate that.

My WORST day with Him is far better than my BEST day without Him.

My goal is to finish what God started.

Do what’s right even when life isn’t right.

Not only saved from something but saved for something

Created by God, Built for a purpose

Where are you looking?

“The grass is always greener on the other side, but it still needs to be mowed.”

Your God Girl,

Tracy xoxo

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words

A picture or pictures…

I am going to start by saying originally I was going to write something a little light this week. Maybe riff about some of the disastrous dates I’ve had. Talk about a funny discussion I recently had with some fellow Moms about what a growing a person does that no one tells you… and I will.

Except I need to get this out. Good, bad or otherwise thanks to modern technology we have found ourselves able to share and take pictures. Of everything. Ourselves included.

I would like to tell you I don’t know what a selfie is. Except if you read my BIO, it is glaringly obvious my picture is a selfie. My Instagram – selfies. My Facebook… yup.

I think you get it.

When I first joined social media my profile picture was so old my friends would tease me about it. Those same friends now refer to me as the Queen of Selfies.

I’m gonna own it, I can be excessive. It didn’t start out that way.

Truly.

It started out with one or two pictures. Pictures I took for my boyfriend who at the time lived three hours away, who raved about how beautiful I was. That felt good. So I posted it. People liked it. That felt good. So recently after posting a picture of myself when a friend commented that I post a lot of selfies and more in a private message,I was crushed.

I recognize self love is important and I’m getting there. Promise.

But I’m about to be candid…

If you’ve read my blogs you know some of this. If you haven’t well..

Here’s my why. At least some of it.

When I was five everyday after school two older girls would follow me and call me witch face.

When I was 11 I was beat up by a boy because another girl was mad I was friends with a boy she liked.

At 17 I went to prom with a bunch of girls because I was so incredibly shy if a boy talked to me – red as a lobster.

I have eczema.

Struggled with my weight.

Had horrible teeth, coke bottle glasses. Don’t get me started on the infamous haircuts.

I also have scars from surgeries while not necessarily visible to all, I know…

At 47 I struggle with my self image as much as I want to love what I see looking back at me, I have my moments. My vision is skewed. Selfies are MY reminder look at where you’ve come from lady.

Just LOOK!

A bad marriage.

An abusive relationship.

Being unhealthy, unhappy, a bad haircut.

This is YOU!

Remember when you wanted a tattoo – guess what?

Boom!

Wanted to go blonde?

Ta da!

Wear leggings as pants?

You go girl.

Your teeth!

You can actually smile!

With your teeth!

In a society that is so quick to say love yourself we sure have no problem passing judgment.

Even down to things like makeup. Do you know how many times a mutual friend will post “shout out to all the ladies who don’t need makeup to feel beautiful”.

I don’t either. I just REALLY like it.

Getting ready in the morning is my ritual. I paint, legitimately. Watercolors are my favorite. Makeup is just one more outlet for me. Just like my clothes and tattoos…

There is a meme that says: Shout out to all the ladies trying to love themselves in a world constantly telling them not to.

It’s true. What’s disappointing is it’s not just the world. It’s your friends, sometimes even your family. I’m a Sagittarius. We are a honest people who go with the flow. Constant optimists even when we’re hurting.

That said I hope that at some point the snark stops. I don’t have to buy books on how to help my tween maneuver middle school mean girls.

That when you say love the skin you’re in. You mean it.

Until then. Momma take that selfie. Wear those leggings. Put on that lipgloss or don’t. Eat those Nutter Butters for breakfast.

Either way, I really do celebrate you.

Love yourself. You worked your ass off to get here.

Give yourself a break.

Much love Mommas,

Single Mom of the amazing Dbl G
Teacher
Sometime DJ
T-shirt collector
Henry Rollins Middle Aged Punk Prom Date

Battered, Bruised, & Recovering

Hi my name is Ali and I am a recovering battered woman.

My first long term relationship wasn’t a healthy one. A lot of my relationships were not healthy. I picked people that treated me how I thought I deserved to be treated. This comes from being raised by an unhealthy and unstable part of my family, it also came from watching my mom get abused for years before she found the strength to leave her alcoholic ex fiance. Even though I learned my definition of love from these people and situations, it wasn’t their fault that I stayed in these situations. I chose to allow these things to continue and I take full responsibility for my choices, because I am not a victim.

I have had to relearn boundaries, standing up for myself, knowing whats ok and not being to sensitive or nonsensitive to negative behavior. I still struggle with this at times. It is a growing process and I will be growing in these ways for the rest of my life.

To this day I hear anyone raise their voice or hear someone spewing negativity I feel a panic swell in my chest. If I’m excited and nervous around someone new that I like that can trigger the same feeling and racing thoughts.

A big thing is to breathe and remind myself that this person isn’t the person whom has hurt me before. If it is a person how ever that has negatively affected me I take a step back and recoup. I refuse to allow someone else that kind of power over me again and as long as I love and trust myself and stay grounded I have nothing to fear.

I wanted to share this little snippet about myself, to not only let someone who may need to hear it that they are not alone, but that they do not have to live like that anymore. There is a better life waiting for you and it is possible for you too.

 

-Always be unapologetically yourself

Ali

Say What You Need To Say

Noelle’s blog “Never See You Again” provoked me to share. The other day I went to a wake for a very, very sweet and wonderful close girlfriend who took her life. My heart was broken. The tears fell and fell and fell. Yes… a lot of them were for me, because shit…I miss her!!! But other tears were for the memories it provoked of when a boyfriend took his life a few years ago but most of my tears were for her triplets and sisters who are left behind… without her to talk to, to laugh with, to spend time with. I will miss our coffee dates and deep conversations.

One day I’m talking to her and then *BOOM* like a flash of lightning…she’s gone. Life is going this way and then *SNAP* it takes a sharp turn. Dang I wish I had said more to her. I mean, I know that she knows I love her, but I wish I said that more, saw her more, laughed with her more. There are some people…. That every time I talk to them on the phone I end it with “I love you” and others because our conversations are via texting, I end with XOXO. I’ll be adding those to more phone calls & texts for sure.

My girlfriends’ death got me thinking…. What other things need to be said, accomplished, planned, shared …or simply lived out? It pushed me to write a letter to my son telling him in a few paragraphs about the administrative BS he’ll be dealing with when I’m gone and a lot of paragraphs about our relationship, what he means to me, how proud I am of him and the ways he touched my life.

Life is soooo precious. Stop. Today. Take a moment to acknowledge the people in your life. Especially you. AND…. do, plan, share, give, be and LIVE full out. Now. Today. Say what you gotta say!

Before you’re the one who someone loses.

Your God-Girl,. 
xoxo Tracy  

The Fixer Of Broken Boys Part 14: Here’s Where The Story Begins

If you’ve been following along with my story, I seem to know how to pick them. Some would say I pick them, fix them, and send them on their way..

A fixer of broken boys.

Others would say I’m broken.

For the record I’m not a fan of that word. Broken.

Or victim.

Or unlucky.

I absolutely can not tolerate people who hold their past as excuses to be horrible.

“you don’t understand… this happened…”

Actually I do and then some.

Here’s the truth. Without all theses chapters I would not have the love of my life. She’s eleven. She’s perfect and while I am not… perfect, she makes me feel like I am about eighty percent of the time.

I considered wrapping this up neatly. Giving you the happy ending I teased in an earlier chapter. But that’s not the truth. Life is messy. Things have been hard. Dating as a single Mom is no joke. Dating as a single Mom who has been through some stuff,well… I recognize I can be a challenge. For a moment I want to acknowledge that some of this is hard to read, it’s hard to write…but it’s mine and you know what?

I’m here. I have walls. I hold my breath. I don’t always see what others do. But I’m here. My feet are planted firmly and I’m determined to show my daughter that you can be loved for who you are. That even when not so great stuff happens you can get through it. You can. Maybe the path there may not be very straight but it CAN be done.

Which leads me to my now…

I’m treading lightly here because it’s so incredibly precious to me. As I’m wrapping up my forties a switch has been turned on. I have finally realized it is ok to want hand holding, mushy, compromise, quiet days, ruckus nights,if someone loves you they won’t  judge what you want or who you are, but rather rebel yell for you.

They will go to Target when they’d rather be at a record store.

They will ask about your daughter.

They will ask you about your day.

Text you in the morning.

Send you a song

Let you send them a Dad joke

Hold your hand

Remind you they are there for you and keep doing so even when you try to push them away.

I’m crying as I type this because… let’s just say what’s mine is mine is mine and if I tell you it’s less mine… but it’s mine.

It’s messy and it may not work for you, but isn’t that life?

Life is messy! Who wants perfect? I will take messy and happy any day.

I’m finding out I don’t need to fix broken boys anymore…

The boys weren’t broken and neither was I. I just didn’t see who I was. I finally do.

I am a Mom. A friend A sister. An aunt. A daughter. A teacher. A shoe hoarder. A nerd. A pink haired, tattooed middle aged punk lady who still crushes on Henry Rollins. And that is more than ok… it’s kinda perfect.

~~Caprise

Single Mom of the amazing Dbl G
Teacher
Sometime DJ
T-shirt collector
Henry Rollins Middle Aged Punk Prom Date

The Fixer Of Broken Boys Part 13: He’s Back

In the midst of all this chaos I get a phone call that brought the guitar player back into my life.

All the way from California… our story wasn’t over.

Sometimes even though you know you shouldn’t you let people back in. You do. The guitar player was hard not to the close door on.

Have you ever had such crazy chemistry with someone that even the sound of their voice effects you?

I used to love getting his voicemail because I could hear his voice. His voice. His smile. His hugs. So much…too much. Not enough…

I had just moved my little daughter and I into a condo we couldn’t afford when I got an email:” it’s me I miss you. Tell me something only we would know so we know it’s each other.”

I did and then we were texting.

Then talking.

All the time, for hours.

I was torn. I was technically still married but husband refused to divorce me,this man lived halfway across the country … what was happening.

Along the way my husband drafted a contract – still no legal divorce. In it we were allowed to date even though we weren’t divorced. I would find out later it was because he had been dating a woman he met on his volleyball league well before I had moved out. Prior to that another woman was pursued but didn’t count because she wasn’t interested.

Yet he wouldn’t divorce me.

So when after almost 15 years and several states between us- the guitar player said he wanted to see me. I said yes.

I shook the whole time.

Men have an unfair advantage, sometimes with aging some get more handsome. Yup

We were together on and off for six years.

At first it felt like there was a real chance, but then all the things that stopped us the first time started bubbling to the surface. Except this time I had a child.

Who he never tried to meet.

I started volunteering at a radio station which took time away from him.

The TV show I hosted I did to meet men, or so he thought.

I was called names.

I never met his family.

I paid for everything.

Through the volunteering and job promotions I started getting myself back. I wanted to build a life with him, but every time it came up there was a reason to wait.

The tipping point… being in his bedroom while his nephew delivered a couch and him letting them joke about the women he could have on the couch.

I WAS IN THE BEDROOM (!)

The final straw was a weekend I was supposed to see him my daughter was sick so I couldn’t, he got mad and said I used her as an excuse and put her first.

I was furious.

I added up all the miles and money and hours and broke up with him.

It was a slow break.

I still hold guilt.

I glossed through a lot, but he moved cross country to be with me. He powered through a disease that makes it impossible for him to be in social situations and I was just going to leave him?

Yes

Because you can’t stay with someone out of guilt

You can’t stay to try and fix past sins

Someone shouldn’t use those things to make you.

Also, it wasn’t just about me anymore.

I was now the Mom of a daughter and I needed to show her what it looked like to have someone in your life who would go to Target with you even if they’d rather be at Home Depot.

~~Caprise

Single Mom of the amazing Dbl G
Teacher
Sometime DJ
T-shirt collector
Henry Rollins Middle Aged Punk Prom Date