Tag Archives: love

The Secret Know

The secret know…..the last few weeks I have really been thinking about what I want in a relationship. Maybe because for the first time in a long time, I’m kinda sorta in one.

It’s hard for me to let my guard down. Let someone in. Say this is my person.

I have mentioned this before I am afraid. I have let myself want things I didn’t think I could have, only to have them taken away.

Then I realize fear should not be my guide.

Caution sure. But fear. Then I’ll never move forward. I can’t use it as my shield to not be honest with myself or others. I think sometimes I do.

In fact I know I do.

It’s easier to walk away when you don’t let someone completely in. 

On the flip-side I think it has also made me settle.I have maybe looked the other way in certain situations out of fear.Both of committing and if I’m being honest. Being alone.

After my divorce I plunged headfirst into a relationship with an ex boyfriend. He moved back to our home state to be with me. I was overwhelmed by the gesture. Except he moved closer to his family, not me. We were together for a really long time and in that time he never tried to meet my daughter. One grand gesture can’t forgive that.

Yet for the longest time I let it. Among other things.

I casually started dating.  It felt like Lemony Snickett and a Series of Unfortunate Events.I think it was fifty percent me and fifty percent them.And to be honest … dating is hard. Dating after divorce. Harder. Dating divorced with children is even harder. Dating with children and you’re over a certain age – hardest. Then out of nowhere I reconnected with an old friend and here we are trying to figure it out.

Well ok, I am.

The balance.

How much do I let him in?

How much do I tell my daughter?

Do I tell my daughter?

How much do I ask for?

What can I ask for?

For some of you reading this you may be thinking what is the problem?

Welp.

I was what you’d like to call a late bloomer.

Dating

Marriage

Motherhood 

I feel like I’m learning again and it’s terrifying and exciting.Secretly, I do kinda know what I want.

A partner in crime.

Who recognizes I have legitimately built my life around my daughter. So I want to let you in. It’s just scary. I have to think of her. Just have to.

I want the cheesy..

Not all of it but some.

I have never had it. Ever.

I have always been an afterthought even in my own marriage. 

I am kinda of over that. Not kinda. I am.

You know when you were a kid and you got picked last on a team? That is how it has been for me in my relationships. Maybe because I’m so independent I have accepted it as part of being independent. But there’s a line and I think I’ve let too many people cross it.

I said it last week and I will say it again.

To not be afraid.

To not be afraid to want things.

To ask for them.

To not be embarrassed or feel bad that I want them.

I keep thinking I tell my daughter to embrace who she is and lean into all the things that make her great. What would she think if she knew her Mom doesn’t know how to speak up for herself when she cares about someone?

A friend sent me a meme recently it was:

Friend: I need some advice. Me: eating a tube of cookie dough. “You’ve come to the right place.”

I have never identified with a meme more.I support and cheer-lead the people I love.Yet here I am a bit helpless. A lot clueless. Still scared.

I think I know what I want. Now this guarded girl needs to work on phase two.

Communication.

Please pass the cookie dough on your way out…

Be safe

Much love Mommas

💚Caprise

TWSM Book Review ‘The Authenticity Project: A Novel’

 The Authenticity Project: A Novel by Clare Pooley 

If you are looking for an entertaining novel about seeking connection, friendship, and love in our modern world, I recommend The Authenticity Project by Clare Pooley. It’s a book about the stories we tell ourselves and others, and how these messages can get in the way of true connection or help us to grow. 

Set in London in 2018, Pooley creates a cast of lively characters for The Authenticity Project. They start out as strangers, but their lives begin to intersect and change as they get to know one another by way of an anonymous “traveling journal”. 

Here are some of my favorite quotes: 

“She kept scrolling, despite knowing this would not be a comfort, more of a form of mild self-harm. Hayley had changed her relationship status to “engaged”. Whoop whoop. Pam had posted a status about her life with three kids, a boast thinly and inexpertly disguised as self-deprecation, and Sally had shared her baby scan picture — twelve weeks.” (Chapter 5: Monica) 

“Riley wasn’t sure how much he believed. Julian seemed to have been present at every significant social event in recent history, from dinners with Christine Keeler and Mandy Rice-Davies to the party where Mick Jagger and Marianne Faithfull were arrested for possession of marijuana.” (Chapter 19: Riley) 

“Before she’d had a baby, he’d never seen her less than perfectly made-up, blow-dried, and waxed. It had all gone a little downhill since then… Alice thought back to the days when all she needed were her keys, money, and a mobile phone stuffed into a jeans pocket. It felt like a different life, belonging to a very different person.” (Chapter 25: Alice) 

The only negative that I have to share about The Authenticity Project is the way in which Pooley writes the character of Mrs. Woo. Although Mrs. Woo is a lovely woman who is both warm and tough as nails, her dialogue seemed a bit like a stereotype of someone who learned Chinese as a first language and English as a second language. I don’t know if this is a fair criticism or not, but it struck me that way. 

Overall, The Authenticity Project is a fun and thought provoking novel. I recommend that you brew a cup of tea, put your feet up, and give it a read. 

Rating 4 Stars out of 5 

Copyright 2020 by Clare Pooley 

Liz is a technical writer by day and a humor writer by night. She lives in Minnesota with her younger daughter and their two cats. When Liz is not reading, writing, or searching for new books to review, she can be found practicing yoga or enjoying time with friends and family. She is savoring the time that she has left before her younger daughter flies from the nest, yet she is also secretly looking forward to a time when she can travel more and not worry about anyone borrowing her socks.

Appreciation Post

Appreciation post….

It is Sunday night after the holiday. My trusty sidekick is at my feet snoring very loudly. I have finally decided to bust open one of the non alcoholic cocktails I got myself for a treat. It claims to be a take on a Whiskey old Fashion… not sure if that’s true. But it’s yummy nonetheless and filling the void I sometimes feel now that I don’t drink.

I wanted to say thank you …

To you all.

To those who stop here.

Read what we write.

Maybe you smile.

Maybe you don’t.

Maybe you can relate and that helps.

Or maybe not.

But a long time ago after feeling helpless too many times I made the decision to take control of something I could. Something that might make people feel better.

And that was telling them they were appreciated.

Cared about.

Thought about.

Missed.

Loved.

I could tell you all the ways I feel like my life has fallen off the tracks at one point. I could tell you how I got frustrated and hurt that everything didn’t line up to make a perfect picture I could post on Facebook and brag about on Instagram.

But the reality is that is my reality and I can’t control it.

And I really believe everything happens for a reason.

What I can do is cheer lead for the people who held my hand when I thought my world was falling apart.

Never stop thanking my friends who sat with me every weekend until I could sit alone.

Always wish everyone Happy Birthday.

Send someone a song. 

Say hello to a stranger at the store and try REALLY hard to smile with my eyes.

Tell my people I appreciate them.

Hug my daughter.

Tell her I love her.

Compliment someone.

Say please.

Say thank you

Over and over again.

These are things I can control.

These are things we need more of.

That small hi with me  making the eyes over my mask maybe I’ll at least get a giggle?

It’s a start.

I have no answers for this past year except I am happy to see it gone.

And move into 2021 with a Mr. Rogers quote as my mantra: the greatest thing we can do is to help somebody know that they are  loved and capable of loving 

 

Be safe

Much love 

Happiest of New Years my sweet wonderful Mamas

💚

Caprise 

Thank You, Dad!

Thank you, Dad!

It’s Sunday as I write this and I’m shocked by what I’m about to say, but I think I’ve had too much coffee. I made myself an iced coffee and ooh it is hitting me. 

Background music is Judah and The Lion “Beautiful Anyway.” The lyric “Raise your hand and take a second to breathe in”, is sticking in my head right now.

More and more I have been trying really hard to live in the moment. Put my phone down, get off social media, get out of my head. It’s a pretty tricky thing to do with everything going on.

Especially where we live. We have made the news A LOT. For nothing good. As a family we try to maintain a bubble and our center is my Dad.

Today coincidentally is his birthday.

My Dad good, bad or otherwise is the person I hold others up to. He and my Mom have been married for almost forty nine years and again they have a marriage, relationship and friendship that I aspire to.

When my own marriage failed. I felt defeated. I felt like a failure. I think there is a misconception sometimes that just because people are thriving after a divorce that it was an easy decision or journey. 

It wasn’t.

My Dad has never once made me feel like it was easy. He has never once made me feel like I made the wrong choice.  I know he hurts for my daughter and how it has impacted her and me.

But aside from a few things. That has always been my Dad. Never making me feel bad in my choices. Even when I know they were not the ones he would  have made. And standing nearby just in case I might need a hand. 

If I am being honest, there are certain parts of my life I have glossed over because I don’t want my Dad to take on anymore than he does for me. Not that he would, but he would. 

He has allowed me to be a realistic dreamer.

Taught me to question things.

He is helping me and he doesn’t know this, get my confidence back. 

He helped my daughter and I get back on our feet.

He is helping me find my voice again.

And he has always shown me how to love my daughter with my whole heart.

So this was a rambling thank you to my Dad, but the older my daughter gets the cliches are true. I get it. Those lessons my parents taught me. Why they did what they did. 

And I’m beyond thankful for them.

Especially right now.

 

Be safe Mommas

Much love

<3 Caprise

The Relationship Guru

As I typed that title I am chuckling because I am not a relationship guru.

Not even close. I am actually the poster child for what you should not do in relationships. We could take a jaunt down memory lane but I’ve done that before with some of you who have been regular readers.

I am not sure that there is value there.

But I have been revisiting my past relationships a lot lately because one of my good friends is going through the proverbial ringer in hers.

As I have listened and shared I have started putting my actions and choices under a microscope.

How I have had a pattern of being involved with emotionally unavailable men because I have the mindset they are easy to walk away from. I don’t have to put as much of myself out there.

Notice I used the word HAD.

That is not the case in my current relationship. My person always asks how I am. He gently teases me about how surprised I get when I share something and he hears me. It doesn’t end up in a fight.

Here’s the thing, I’m actually not the relationship guru in this story. He is.

I will be very honest and raw here, after my divorce I didn’t think about getting married again. Ever.

I put all those dreams away. Between my divorce and some really ugly relationships I didn’t think it was in the cards for me to meet someone I felt comfortable planning a future with.

There are days I still have a hard time.

I had this conversation with my friend. I do not like to consider myself a broken person and I definitely don’t think anyone should use their experiences as an excuse for bad behavior.

BUT

Whether we like it or not it shapes us.

In my case.

I’m guarded.

I run.

I’m an over thinker.

Obviously I am catch. Lol.

Yet here I am telling you about the most patient human in the universe.

He also asks me about the most important person – my daughter.

I have no idea what is going to happen but what I am learning is every subsequent relationship is an opportunity to start over, to grow. RESET.

I don’t need to be in a relationship.

But…

I am also learning I’m lovable.

 

Much love Mommas

Be safe

<3 Caprise

Lean In

Lean in…when that catchphrase first came out I’m pretty sure it was meant to be used for powerful situations.

Not trying to maneuver your new normal during a world that everyday feels more surreal.

I have officially been home now for a month. My state has extended its Stay at Home order until May 26th. When I heard the news I was in the middle of my new normal work day. I took my glasses off. Took my headphones off and silently yelled into my hands.

I am what you would call a high risk person. Two heart surgeries I had forty years ago means I can’t leave my house. The fear is if I get this my stitched up heart won’t know what to do.

I am luckier than a lot of people. I have a job. Which I got offered ironically a week before everything went. That’s my term… went.

The last time I saw everyone in person was my job interview. A month ago. Some of them I only know thanks to ZOOM.

And thank goodness for this job, because my previous job would have laid me off. They did. Three days before I officially started my new job I got a lengthy email telling me as much.

My daughter’s school like a lot of yours is now closed for the rest of the year. Thankfully they have really done a lot to support everyone one with distance learning. But she’s in 7th grade. She abruptly had to empty her locker and pivot.

I was a Preschool Director before I got my new job. I didn’t get to say goodbye to my families, my kids…

But I’m leaning in.

I get up. I get ready for work. I try to focus. But I have my moments. Where I have to run to the bathroom and sit on the toilet seat and cry.

I lean in to being afraid of all the unknowns.

I lean in to being late for a meeting because I got distracted by the news.

I lean into cats and dogs and kids interrupting meetings.

And we all smile.

I lean into not really ever wanting to wear shoes again. Leggings are better than jeans.

I lean into Friday nights might be Tuesday nights.

I lean into worrying about my Grandfather who is states away. I lean into reading horoscopes with my best friend.

I lean into hugging my daughter so much. I lean into telling people I can’t wait to squish their faces.

I lean into missing certain people. Which makes me ugly cry.

I lean into waterproof mascara.

I lean into not cutting my own hair. No comment on coloring it. LOL…

I lean into recording my radio show again for the first time in a month and crying because it’s the first time in a long time I have felt normal. Because something that is such a huge part of me is back.

I have no magic words. No sage advice. I am just rinse, lather, repeat, lean.

I am sending you love and hoping you are safe Mommas.

<3 Caprise

The Bright Side

The bright side…These past few weeks have been nothing short of chaos and confusion for so many people all around the world. The stress levels of many individuals have skyrocketed due to the recent Coronavirus outbreak. I never thought that it could get to this level, but now the current situation is our new normal.

My main concern throughout all of this, is how people are being directly affected by this virus. My parents are both physicians, and they are seeing the unfortunate repercussions of this pandemic daily.

However, although there has been large amounts of fear and concern, we have to look at the overwhelming amounts of love and kindness that is spreading. My cousin is currently living in Spain, and the virus has not been kind in her town. I received a video from her around a week ago that really touched my heart. All you could see in the clip was people on every balcony of her street cheering with passion. They all seemed like they were full of joy and excitement, which shocked me because of the events going on. She later explained that everyone was trying to show love to the doctors and medical professionals that had been risking their lives to care for the ill. It’s acts like those that demonstrate the positive in people during such negative times.

What we are currently living through made me realize how much we take for granted daily. I’ve never wanted to hug a friend, go to school, or see my family more than I do today. Just as the people of Spain are looking on the bright side, we must do the same.

Now those hugs and interactions are going to mean significantly more to us when this is all over. Spread that positivity. 

-Dani <3

I Could Use A Hand

Have you found yourself in a situation where you really could use a hand?  A helping hand?  A strong hand?  A loving hand?

Did you sit around and wait for one to show up or did you ask for help?  If you’re not one to ask for help, I get it….then please don’t be the one who complains because nobody is there when you need them.  People CANNOT read our minds.  AND if they’ve never been through what we’re going through, they really don’t have a clue as to what’s needed.  Truly.

Until someone goes through the loss of a loved one, they cannot imagine the rollercoaster that you are on when you lost your sweetheart.  They really have no clue what would calm your never-ending mind babble, tend to your achy breaky heart, comfort your whirlwind of why’s or come visit to offer a quiet long hug.  Really.

A mom who is raising a girl has no clue what it’s like to raise a boy.

A woman who did not go through menopause has no clue what a hot flash is like.

A sister who has never been a Troop Leader cannot fathom the joy of the troop getting a WIN.

What’s in your way of asking for help?  Pride? Ignorance? Selfishness? Lack of Trust?   Whatever it is… think about the people who said “If you need anything, let me know.”  They MEANT it!  They are waiting for you to take them up on it.  They really really really want to help but have absolutely NO idea where to start without stepping on your toes.

Are you able to offer a helping hand to someone?  If you are, be sure to follow-through.  Or if it’s a really CLOSE friend…then just show up.  I remember when a friend did that to me… It made my day!

Go make someones day.

xoxo

Your God-girl

Tracy

Crash Into Me

Crash Into Me….

Sometimes in the middle of chaos you begin to realize what you need and what you deserve.

You start to find your voice. You start breathing again. You uncross your arms. You let things go you should have let go a long time ago.

And maybe people told you that, in fact they did but you had to land there.

I have landed there.

Mommas I think I crashed actually.

I’m going to be honest I am crying while I write this, it probably doesn’t help my community is in the middle of a shutdown. I’m trying to change jobs and worry I really won’t have one. Add to it I have been in a relationship where I feel like I have been relegated to swimming in jello.

We take two steps forward then inevitably we take a giant step back. While it’s better than any I have been in for a long time.

I still am in a place where I am allowing myself to not be in a relationship I deserve. I have the last few years holding my breath waiting for a change that doesn’t come. I have mentioned this before, somewhere along the way I bought into the belief I deserve to not be loved a hundred percent.

I have been living in the land of broken promises.

Changes that never happen.

Who taught me I deserved this? My Dad definitely doesn’t treat my Mom like this.

So where?

I know what I want. Why am I so afraid of having it? Why do I settle for half?

I had a pretty lengthy conversation with my best guy friend about how I should take steps up. Not just steps. I am an adult. I deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is also an adult. Or acts like it. I deserve to be more than afterthought. I deserve to be the first thing and last thing someone thinks of. I deserve to have bad days. They deserve them to but let me hold your hand.

Don’t shut me out. Fight for me. Make me feel wanted. Needed.

I don’t need someone in my life. I am capable of being on my own. But if I am going to make space for someone in my life they better be worth a spot at the table.

There is a quote “never be afraid to fall apart; it presents an opportunity to rebuild yourself the way you wish you’d been all along.”

Yup

Love to you  Mommas, so much right now.

<3 Caprise

Not Just Good But Greater Good

Not just Good, but Greater Good.

Can you imagine what your Greater Good would look like?  Close your eyes and imagine.  Who would be there?  What would you be doing?  How would you be acting?  What would you say?  Where would you live?  Etc, etc etc.  Now, understand and know…. that you have not even come close to the actual Greater Good that is available to you.

God’s Ways are over, above & beyond anything our puny little minds can concoct.  We are one small piece of sand on the Pacific Coast.  We are one minute being in the galaxy of endless galaxies.  We are a blade of grass in a field at full-on harvest.  Do you believe in the grand scheme of life, there is far more available to you, coming to you, waiting for you?  Open your arms & be ready, because it is there.

I am part of the Greater Good of all mankind.  I am an instrument of God’s love in the Greater Good of my life.  I wake up every day expecting the Greater Good to show up.  I see, hear, feel and stay open to every bit of Goodness that is for me.  I’m being used every day in ways I’ve always imagined possible.

May we both walk through life with our heads held high in anticipation for what is next.  May we be ready for it when it comes and handle it with courage and grace.  May we be beacons of greatness to others who are waiting for theirs.  May we move forward, press on, stand tall, dig in, love big, express peace, share joy, give back, believe in more, take it, own it and share it with the world.

Are you ready?

I am.  I’ll meet you there.

xoxo

Your God-Girl,

Tracy