Tag Archives: love yourself

Love Can Hurt But It Also Heals

Love can hurt, but it can also heal.

If you read my last post – The ups and downs of this single mom’s weekend– you read about the “relationship” I was in that ended abruptly. I won’t lie, I was pretty upset and had a hard time for a couple weeks trying to understand how someone could treat another person that way with complete disregard. If that weren’t enough, a few weeks after that, I found out that the two of them got engaged. More emotions again.

But through all this, I’ve learned that I have grown. When I had problems in the past with my ex-husband, I kept everything to myself, I didn’t take care of myself and I tried to work through everything on my own. This time around, I made sure to surround myself with positive and supportive people. I have made the time to do dinners or happy hour or lunch with amazing people in my life who know me, who support me and who lift me up and encourage me.

I also had a couple of really cool opportunities during this time. I am a part of a women’s networking group at work and during one of our leadership meetings, we visited Thistle Farms. If you haven’t heard of Thistle Farms, they are a great organization that gives women who survived trafficking, prostitution and addiction a place to live, a meaningful job and a support system. We visited on a Wednesday morning when they hold their weekly circle time. Anyone is invited to participate, and I was thrilled to be a part of it. Everyone goes around the room and introduces themselves and the women who are part of the program take this time to tell pieces of their story and why they are grateful for Thistle Farms. I can’t even explain to you what a moving time this was and to sit in the circle with these women was so inspiring. You could feel the love in the room that day and I walked away with a new perspective – love heals (it’s one of Thistle Farms’ mottos).

A couple of weeks after the Thistle Farms visit, my company got a group together to walk in the Pride parade in our city. We probably had 100 people from our company wearing matching shirts and waiting for the rain to pass so we could start the parade. This was the first year my daughters could attend and leading up to parade day, I sat my youngest daughter down to talk about what we would be doing and why. I told her that the Pride parade was all about love and showing love for others. As we walked down the main street downtown, I took some time to really look around and see all the people who were standing on the building rooftops and lining the streets. There were people of all ages, races, ethnicity and genders – all coming together in the name of love. The experience was amazing, and I can’t wait for us to do it again next year!

These two experiences could not have come at a better time and I knew that I was meant to be in both of those places to help me heal my heart.

But love isn’t just about loving and being loved by others, it’s also about loving yourself. During this time, I have been doing my best to workout to keep me healthy, eat right and listen to my body. If my body tells me I should take a two-hour nap on a Saturday afternoon, then I listen. The work, the chores and the errands will still be there. I even made an appointment to visit my counselor to talk things out. I have realized that if I don’t take care of myself during this difficult time, then I won’t be able to function properly …. and I need that to get myself into a better place.

As hard as the last month or two have been, it’s also been a time of growth for me. Love can be a great thing, but it can also hurt. But, if you are open to the possibilities and allow it, love can also heal you. The love and support of my family and friends, participating in these great opportunities to show love for others and taking care of myself are all ways to help heal a broken heart and spirit. It made me see that love is everywhere around me; maybe I was just focused on looking in the wrong place.

~Laxmi

 

 

Building Some Fences

As I was getting ready to write this I went to our page and saw this quote from Brene Brown:

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”

This quote hit my chest hard. If I’m being truthful I’m fighting tears as I write this. I have mentioned July was ugly. That damn suitcase I put under my bed keeps sliding closer to the edge.

My hardest month as I’m now going to refer to July has made me rethink what I need. As well as what I give out.

Because if I’m being honest, I am not the greatest friend. It’s not on purpose. But sometimes for me, it’s easier to run than face things head on. Or hold it all in until it’s Saturday night and I’m alone watching a TV show and a random scene makes me cry.

I struggle balancing everything.

I struggle asking for what I need.

I struggle with the fact I can’t be everything to everyone.

I feel like I let everyone down. Except that is not true.

I feel like I am not good enough. That is not true either.

So … over the last few weeks I have been setting boundaries. Which as the lady who has built a wall around herself was actually harder than you’d think. Fences as I am going to call these boundaries,you can see through. Walls don’t show you the reaction on the other side.

I have been speaking up.

Reaching out.

Setting dates.

Working really hard and this one is tough for me- to not compare myself to others. Exit from negative talk. Negative situations.

Put my phone down.

Listen to music.

Say yes

Say no

Explain

Or don’t

Tell people I care.

Try not to be so worried, afraid…

I have survived so much. I’m not sure why I seem to forget that. The irony of this is I had someone recently ask me how I am able to keep so calm in stressful situations. I think maybe I’ve just been faking it really well. No more faking. I’m setting those boundaries.

Mommas it’s ok to set boundaries. It’s ok to show yourself the love you show others. It’s ok to struggle. All of those things in your suitcase under your bed… they have made you the amazing person you are.

You may add to it.

You might pull it out and look through it.

Or maybe it will finally collect dust.

Regardless much love Mommas.

I got put a suitcase away and build some more fences.

<3

Caprise

I Gotta Live

You gotta live!

If you are a faithful follower of this page you know we like to give out regular reminders of how you should look out for yourself. Take care of yourself. Take time for yourself.

The reality as Moms it’s just not something we do.

And if we do- the guilt we lay on ourselves or let others lay on us is huge.

That guilt also tends to hold us back.

We are Moms we put everyone first, it’s what we do. It’s how we’re built.

But sometimes life hands you a timetable.

That’s when you can’t sit on your hands anymore and wait.

I feel like what I’m about to write is a constant in my blogs. It’s ok to ask for what you need.

Maybe I write this a lot because I’m not great at it. I struggle to ask for more time. To tell people when I’m hurt. Sad. Jealous. Mad. Even happy. I don’t want to be too much or not enough so I sit on my hands and wait.

Then one day life hands you a timetable.

I’ve always had one.

We all do. Some of us just have timetables written in green neon we can’t control while others get a dry erase board.

Either way.

You gotta live.

I spent a long weekend with some of my favorite humans and came clean about a lot of big things in my life and kept waiting for a shoe to drop that never did.

Instead my people rallied and scolded and put things on the calendar.

I have my reasons for having a tight reign on my life and some are valid but some hold me back.

I made big changes in my life to show my daughter a person who loves you should not hold you back. It’s ironic I don’t seem to love myself enough to do the same.

That ends know.

My timetable is neon green.

One light/letter is already out.

In the words of one of favorite people “I gotta live.”

You do too Mommas,

You do too,

<3 Caprise

Mean Girls 101

Mean girls sadly are nothing new and I feel like they are digging their claws in at younger and younger ages.

The other morning I am getting ready for work and I look at my bathroom mirror and notice a message:

“You are awesome

You are strong

Be you

Don’t let them get to you, be strong”

I winced and finished getting ready for work. I share a bathroom with my 11 year old daughter. I certainly didn’t write that on the bathroom mirror. Truth be told I can barely reach that high.

I made a mental note to talk to her about it.

G has been dealing with them for a few years now, but now that she is in middle school it seems much more hurtful. There’s intent to harm. I wish I didn’t understand but I have been dealing with mean girls since forever.

I could give you the examples but then I’m just continuing to give them power. At the end of the day that’s what this is ALWAYS about when someone hurts you.

Power.

On our weekly drive back from her Dad’s I asked my daughter what was going on.

There is a girl in her class who just simply doesn’t like her. She’s pretty sure all paths lead to a boy she likes. Geez, doesn’t it ALWAYS?! Not really, but man…

She said this girl always makes sassy comments towards her and in front of others and essentially bosses her around.

I asked her what she does in turn. Nothing she tells me. I just keep quiet or do it.

What I tell you all next may cause some of you to scold me.

I said “don’t do that.”

“What”

“Don’t do that G. What do you want to do?”

“I want to scream at her and call her names. Can I swear?”

“No and definitely don’t do any of that. She wins. She wants to be in charge.”

“Then what do I Mom?”

“This stuff she’s telling you not to do, are the teachers ok with what you’re doing?”

“Yes”

“Well, f#*# her then.”

“Mom!”

“The next time she says anything. Calmly look at her and say the teacher is fine with what I’m doing why aren’t you? Can you do that?”

“Yes.”

 

Flash forward to this morning and I notice on G’s wrist a heart with the words: live, laugh, love, be you.

“Baby, is that girl still being mean to you?”

“No.”

“G?”

“She gave me a hard time in class yesterday…”

“And?”

“And I asked her “didn’t she have a project to work on instead of bothering me.”

“How’d that feel?”

“Good.”

“So why the ink?”

“So when she’s picking on me I can remember…”

I know it’s hard for G to share. She hates worrying anyone. I made sure to remind her she doesn’t have to talk to me but it’s incredibly important she talk to someone. I told her I understand. I am dealing with mean girls even now. It feels not great and as easy as it is to get angry that is their fuel.

I didn’t tell her what I’m about to share with you. When I was younger I just let it hurt me. I took it. I lamented. I became small. I assumed it had to be me. Something about me triggered this response.

I had a fantastic mentor share with me when I was dealing with a particularly vicious workplace mean girl that they are that way to EVERYONE.

I’m not special. However, in that moment it feels so awful you don’t think that way.

So I took a step back. I watched said mean girl in meetings. Paid attention to how she wrote her emails.

Yup. It was her. I was not SPECIAL. Lol.

And to be honest that to this day makes me feel an incredible sense of pity for her. What in your world is so bad to make you lash out like that?

As I replay all my mean girl run ins that is the tape I try use as background music.

I’m not saying I’m over it.

I’m saying it doesn’t stil sting a bit.

What I am saying is I’ve taken the power back. Or at least I try to.

I still want to bubble wrap G and it pisses me off that she’s dealing with this.

But… here’s the thing, I love her to pieces and am going to remind her every minute how fantastic she is. I hope she can use that as her force field or at least as a mini reminder when claws come out.

 

Before I forget- you’re all pretty freakin fantastic  Mommas

<3 Caprise

Learning To Love You Before Anyone Else Can

Learning to love yourself first, before anyone else can or will, or learning to like others when you’re not even sure you like yourself is quite difficult.

Right after the split with my first husband I was not a pleasant person to be with or have to deal with, I have mentioned this before. I didn’t like myself and I am not sure if I didn’t even enjoy myself why I thought anyone would enjoy me. That’s a tough pill to swallow! It’s very humbling.

I took some time getting to know myself in those days, weeks, months to follow. I look back now and realize that some of it was not all my fault, I was under the thumb of people throughout my entire life making sure they did their best at breaking me down in much of everything I did. Some of those people I didn’t get to choose to be in my life, they were there, family….some of those people were my choices. I gravitated towards those types of people, I became one of those people. I was learning to dislike everyone, everything around me., including myself.

I think it’s really important on occasion to take inventory of your life and wonder if the people you have surrounded yourself with are there for your best interest. What is your best interest? That’s a million dollar question that has to be answered by starting within yourself. Misery loves company. Kindness is contagious. You all know the sayings. If you don’t have respect, kindness, love, expectations for yourself, how could or why would anyone else?

Ask yourself what your expectations are for yourself? What do you like/love about yourself? Do you respect yourself? Are you kind to yourself? It’s ok to be selfish. It’s ok to worry about learning to love yourself first.

 

Love to All-Kim

Learning,Teaching and Taking Time For Yourself

Whoa!  Time slow down!  I just blogged last week about time going to fast this year and the last few years. But seriously, this month has literally flown by!  We’ve been wrapped up in my brother-in-law’s illness for the last month, trying to catch up on work that we have gotten behind on, school Christmas programs, church programs, parties, basketball games, shopping, gift wrapping, baking and then our normal everyday responsibilities with 2 children who are very involved in a lot of things. Oh, and breathing…we have been trying to find time to breathe 🙂 The flu has already made the rounds at our house twice so far this fall/winter, which only causes to the confusion of catching up! It is complete madness! Every year the holiday season is like this for us and every year it just gets worse and worse with “things to do”.

I am fairly certain as a I talk about everything that goes on and the chaos of it all there may be a bit of a bitter undertone to my voice-and I am sure that during the moment of something going on I may seem irritated, tired, or disinterested.  I am not any of those things, well maybe tired, but I am focused. Focused on getting “this” done, or someone somewhere, and “this” taken care of……I enjoy every moment I get to help or be there for my children, husband, friends, family-I truly do. How does one go about slowing down in a world that is just so committed to going so fast? You just DO IT! I have seen parents that are way busier than us and I am to the point where I feel our plates are too full…I cannot even begin to imagine some of the others. My husband and I have put a “cap” on the amount of activities the kids could be in, financial reasons as well as scheduling reasons. Not because we don’t want the kids to do everything they want to do-because we do-but for ourselves and for them we know that if someone doesn’t have “Me-time”, “down-time” it just makes it all worse.  I have blogged on a previous occasion about the importance of me time, and I am a firm believer that if you are not healthy physically and mentally you are doing NOONE any favors.

Today is an awesome day to revisit that blog post and take some inspiration on ideas for the “Me Time”-

Self-Care On The Daily To Do List

Love to All-Kim

 

Red Lipstick…

I used to wear red lipstick more. I used to be more fearless and less worried about what other people thought about me. I used to feel like I had game…a lot more game then I feel like I have right now. Things happen, marriages don’t work out and people that you counted on betray and disappoint you and it wears on you, you retract a little bit from who you were and then a little bit more.
Then you wake up one day and you think “who am I now?”—I can’t go back because I am not ‘that’ girl anymore, I know too much, I have seen too much and I have walked through too much.
So, you are no longer the girl of the past and you are not the lady that was stuck in situations that weren’t working, you can now pay for yourself, call your own shots and make your own decisions. You have a teenager, you have important jobs, you help people and yet you don’t stop much to think about what you need…because if you did you might not like the answers that you came up with.
Your best friend since 7th grade reminds you how crazy and fearless you both used to be and you think what happened to those girls? Perhaps this is a chronic question for a woman in her later 40’s—who am I now? Who do I want to be and what do I want in the next half of my life and what will I need to give up or change to get there.
The one constant, the one thing that never lets me down is my Faith in GOD, in something bigger and smarter than me that has saved my ass countless times…saved me from my stupidity and my ignorance. Thank God.
The only thing stopping us from being more and doing more is us…I think I will go buy some red lipstick and I think you should do the same. We can make the next half of our lives whatever we want it to be, we are past having to accept things that are unacceptable and we are past putting up with people that don’t treat us correctly. We might not be ‘that’ girl anymore, yet it will be fun to see what women we turn out to be…so put your red lipstick on and let’s figure it out together…