Tag Archives: lonely

It’s Hard Being Alone

It’s hard to be alone.  How do you learn to not be lonely?  I was never alone right after my divorce. I would make plans every night that I did not have my kids. I got into a serious relationship that eventually ended.  After that ended, I went on numerous dates.  However, I was still never really alone. I would never plan a night to just be at home by myself.  That initial lonely feeling after divorce is something you can’t really explain.  I would dread not having plans or having a whole day by myself.

I knew that I needed to learn to be home alone and be ok with it.

There are so many emotions after divorce and sometimes you just don’t even know what you are suppose to do.   When I was home alone, it was deathly quiet.  I missed my kids incredibly.  I did not even know what to do when I was home alone. I had been married for 13 years and I had 3 kids, there was no time to just sit and be alone.  Plus, I was a stay at home mom for over 8 years, so I was used to being with them pretty much every minute of the day..so this intensified the lonely feeling.   The constant chatter of kids to nothing.  When I have my kids my life is crazy busy and loud, and then they leave and it’s so quiet.

So where do I start…  I had not fully watched adult TV in years, I mean I had watched numerous kids programs..but definitely not adult tv.  I felt like I really had no hobbies or anything that I really liked to do.   So, after my break up I was over, I would start walking or running at night after work.  It was the best thing for me to occupy my time and not go crazy being alone.  Going from a marriage of 13 years to a serious relationship soon after, I probably had some things to work through.. Haha you would think.. So I would walk or run or do something active.

I would clean and organize, ya I know sounds crazy.  But cleaning and organizing are things I like to do. I would organize my house.. There is a lot of organizing that can be done with 3 kids.  I would save all my projects for the week so I could do them in the evening.  I made lots of lists… I’m a list person.. But seriously can you spend the rest of your life cleaning and organizing.

I would always have music on… I love music.  No kids means you can listen to whatever you want…It honestly felt like heaven.

I am pretty sure I would also talk to myself a lot, I would work through things, and it seemed to help.  We are all a little crazy.  I think we all feel a little lost after divorce and it does take time to find your place.  I knew I needed to learn to be alone if I ever wanted to be content with myself. I knew I needed this time to figure out my areas of my life… emotions from the divorce and my breakup that I didn’t let go of yet.  Ya, that could probably take a lifetime.  But it worked… the time alone got me to put a lot of my past behind me.

And then the funny thing happened, I started to enjoy my time home alone.  The more time that past, the more I enjoy my time alone and the more I was content with myself.  Honestly, now I love the days I have to myself..I love when I have nothing to do. I say no to plans and will make time to just be by myself.  I do not feel guilty for saying “no” because I honestly love being content with myself and doing things by myself.

Snarky Divorced Gal

www.snarkydivorcedgal.com

Hello Sadness , My Old Friend

Sadness comes. It is inevitable, as it is part of life. It is part of who we are as women living on this earth experiencing loss, upset, fear, change, etc. It comes from that place deep in our hearts where something matters. Where we believe so strongly about something, that being shaken rips at the core of our being. The tears that come, fall from that place behind our eyes that we sometimes cannot put to rest. Sadness may come slowly at times and other times it just jumps out at you when you least expect it and knocks you down. It may stay for a few moments or it may linger. AND ,It is what you do IN the sadness that will liberate you or drag you down.

You must dig deep. Deep into your strength. Deep into your file full of accomplishments, successes & worth. Dig deep to remind yourself what you’re made of & what you’re capable of doing & who you are. As your God-girl…I pray with the sadness. I reach out to my girlfriends and get support. I read my affirmations and look at my Vision Board. I make a new Vision Board. lol I open my Bible and read. I re-read a favorite book. I am reminded of my greatness and that this sadness is just a hiccup in the road of life. I BE with it, look at what is good, and pull myself up by my bootstraps.

Be with the sadness and remember to not let it get a grip of you. Remember to breath & breath & breath still, to trust once again, & to remember that you are strong and courageous and all WILL work out. Sadness just is. And as I’ve heard people say ….This Too Shall Pass”.

Your God Girl-

Tracy

Holiday Realness

I’m sitting writing something I wasn’t going to.

My sadness at being without G during the holidays.

It is the reality of being a single parent during the holidays. It’s a choice you make. It doesn’t make it any less hard.

On everybody.

Luckily we have gotten G to a place where she revels in multiple meals, knows Santa will find her and cherishes her different traditions.

Don’t get me wrong it’s not all lollipops and roses and my anxiety raises starting in October, because I know it means behind the scenes I have to start holiday negotiations and frankly it’s awful. It just is.

I try really hard to keep my chin up,but this year in particular I fell on my face. My chin dragged on the floor the minute I called her from my office to say goodbye. Knowing I wouldn’t see her for the next few days.

Truth bomb when she is here typically we are in the same room on our respective electronics, but she’s HERE.

It’s especially lonely when you’re alone. I don’t have anyone I go home to. OK, my golden doodle and while he is majestic…it’s not the same.

While at work I watched as the families are excited about plans with loved ones. Running errands at Target, families stuffing carts. At my favorite wine shop where I got two bottles of wine, couples making negotiations about how Thanksgiving is going to go.

So I wear a lot of waterproof mascara, try to stay away from social media and keep to myself.

Pro tip: maybe John Mayer’s song Stop this Train, while an absolutely beautiful song should be avoided. You may burst into tears. In you car. In the Target parking lot.

Here’s the thing, G needs time with her Dad and his family. It’s so important to have those traditions and I wouldn’t dream of taking that time away. But this is the same guy who lets her stay up late and thinks pizza is a food group. So I worry. I miss her. I get lonely. As much as people say the holidays are hard for people and be compassionate, when it’s in their face it isn’t as easy to deal with as they post on Facebook. Sadly those are things you find out as a single parent. Not everyone is here to hold your hand. Friendsgiving invites are few and far between.

I think it’s harder this year for me because she’s hitting an age where she needs me less. Which will DEFINITELY be a blog for another day.

I’m a pretty independent person but I’m human.

“I have a happy personality with a heavy soul. Sometimes it gets weird.”

However, I am lucky. I have some people I can reach out to. Which as a guarded girl I still struggle with. Here’s the thing being sad doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human. So last night I poured a glass of wine, and chatted with one of my favorite fellow single Moms. I set some boundaries for myself. I had a good cry.

I snuggled with my majestic doodle. I let myself be sad.

The holidays are hard. Remember not everything is easy and that’s ok. You don’t have to be tough all the time. But maybe remember to let people in. Breathe. Share. I know it’s hard.

Let people love you. Let people hold your hand. Find the people you can chat with at 1030 at night who let you swear like a pirate, cry and make silly promises.

Give yourself a moment.

You got this Mama.

I believe in you.

~~Caprise

Single Mom of the amazing Dbl G
Teacher
Sometime DJ
T-shirt collector
Henry Rollins Middle Aged Punk Prom Date

The Empty Field

The Empty Field….

It was a simple task. Fill out your user profile in the new expense system at work. Verify name, address, phone number, date of birth.

Marital Status.

There is not a drop-down for “f you” or “none of your business.”

There is not an option that says “Divorce in progress.”

I need a gosh damn yield sign because the next question is even better: Emergency Contact Information.

Can I put a coworker? Is that weird? Who would I like you to call in case I break a leg, get in a car accident, or worse, die? Shall I also put my life insurance policies into the comments field, as well as their distribution amounts?

I was so proud to be a wife, and I wasn’t just proud to be the noun, I was proud to be his wife. It didn’t care if you were the mail carrier, the grocery store employee, the doctor, the co-worker, the playdate counterpart I just met. I was proud to take his name, be his association, be his person.
He was supposed to be my person. The one who listened to my bad day, who knew how I liked my coffee, who could identify my mood based on the appearance or disappearance of a beauty mark on my face, who knew the right spot on my neck to kiss, the jokes to make me laugh, the right amount of time to hold me before he pulled away.

He was supposed to be the luckiest man alive whether we were together in a room of 20, 200, or 2,000 people.

He was supposed to be my forever emergency contact. The person whose heart would cease to beat if mine did.

He was supposed to be the one they called if something happened to me.

My mouse cursor slowly blinks at me, patiently but passive aggressively waiting for an answer, kind of like how I waited for him for so long and I am reminded.

I am reminded I am my own person. He isn’t my person anymore.

And when the coroner called to announce the death of our marriage he didn’t answer the phone anyway, and his voicemail box was full of all the preliminary warning messages he never wanted to listen to.

The mouse cursor blinks on.

-Jessica: Awesome Single Mama

Missing The Familiar Even When The Familiar Made Me Sad

Familiar….

I could have sworn as he was leaving he said “see you babe.”

More than likely he said “see you in a bit.”

Sometimes when he leaves I almost, almost go to kiss him goodbye. Not out of want, but merely out of old habit. Like a Freudian slip. It’s very rare, but it’s still there.

Usually his presence makes me a bit twitchy and uncomfortable. I don’t like to catch his gaze because what I see in return is either sadness, longing, or a complete dark emptiness I don’t recognize or like. I see someone I once knew, thought I knew, and lost. Someone I lost a long time ago and spent years trying to get back. Looking at him reminds me that I failed.

I closed the door behind them, sighing, for a fleeting second recognizing his shape, then back of his head, his funny gait (he’s always had this walk, I can’t explain it, but he never really held his head up to see where he was going. Maybe part of the reason he was always lost). For a split second he was familiar and yet being married to him felt so, so long ago.

I shook my head and I carried warm, clean sheets upstairs to make my bed. As I untangled fabric and the scent of new detergent lingered in my nose I couldn’t help but feel as empty as the stark, undressed mattress in front of me.

So this is starting over. The people I went to school with, for the most part, are just finishing up getting married or raising their first, heavenly-scented newborn. They were me years ago, before Instagram, hashtagging love and smiles with heart eyes when they catch a glimpse of their significant other holding a baby, petting the new puppy or dangling the keys to the new house.  It’s sweet. All the stuff that happens in front of the camera. They are still picking out drapes for their new construction home it took two years to build and upgrading that sedan for an SUV to fit their $350 stroller they don’t yet know they will sell in an online yardsale group they don’t yet belong to in a year and a half. They are in the throes of just starting a chapter of their life that maybe they’d always dreamed of and I’m making a bed for one, living the story I never wanted to write, never thought I would tell.

Last night, a guy at a bar interrupted my giggles with my girlfriend to ask whose birthday we were celebrating.

Poor guy, but smart line.

He asked me what I was drinking and I said it was sweet and he sidestepped and made a face.

“What?” I say.

“I don’t do sweet,” he replies and does a half grimace.

“Neither did my ex-husband,” flew out of my mouth as I turned back around.

A group of his friends enjoyed playing “let’s guess her age” and apparently because I didn’t wear the band of honor on my left hand, I won back a few years.

Oh, to actually be 26, boys. No one asked if I had kids; clearly, I was too young to be divorced. Let me tell you about the softness in my torso, the spot that carried two babies for 40+ weeks. The stretch marks on my thighs and the wrinkles around my eyes from squinting while I watched them play in the yard and had no idea where my sunglasses were. Lines around my mouth starting to show from smiling so hard at them I thought I’d physically burst because no matter how much I was hurting as a woman, I was so full of love and focus as their mom.

I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to be “out there.” I already did this and I thought this part of my life was done. I did marriage, I did babies. I didn’t plan for this, I didn’t have an “option B.”

I don’t want to retell all my stories, I don’t want to start over. I want to be at home in my yoga pants without makeup and my messy bun and my glasses. I want a glass of my sweet wine that you don’t make fun of. I want a back rub and a movie and maybe some ice cream. I want to be interrupted while I’m doing dishes to have my neck kissed or spun around the dirty kitchen floor to a song I love. I don’t want to impress you or make you fall in love with how devoted of a mother I am, or how good I am at multitasking. I don’t want to have to try and be loveable or witty or prove how smart I really am even though I can’t even find the correct circuit breaker to flip most of the time and I forget to empty the dryer lint trap.

I want easy and comfortable and genuine and fierce. I want to know if I tell you all my stories, if I show you all my scars, you will listen and you will stay.

I do miss the familiar, even though the familiar made me feel sad, and broken and empty and alone. It was recognizable, it was within reach.

I want to be loved relentlessly: a completely unfamiliar feeling I didn’t know you could miss if you’ve never had it.

Jessica-An Awesome Single Mama

Surviving Quiet and Being Alone

One would assume when they read the title of this post and knowing the author is a divorced single mom that she is talking about being single and not in a relationship. There is truth to that; it’s extremely difficult to go from being married for almost 18 years to being single again. There was so much to get used to – sleeping in bed alone, waking up alone, no other adult to talk to in the house, no one to bounce ideas off of or vent about work with, no one to celebrate successes with, no one to share household chores with and the list goes on and on.

For me, it was the little things …. I was used to calling my husband on the way home from work, finding out how his day was, what time he thought he would be home, etc. After the separation, I found myself picking up the phone out of habit and having to stop myself from calling him.

As a new single mom, I had to learn how to deal with co-parenting and following a parenting plan. We began with the girls going to his house every other weekend. The thought of having a weekend to myself sounded appealing and exciting but it wasn’t as great as I thought. All the times I had dreamed of having a weekend to myself and now it was here and I didn’t know what to do with myself. The quietness in the house was deafening. As a mom, I am always surrounded by people – at home with my kids, at work, at activities and running errands. Even growing up, I went from my parents’ house to college with roommates, then got married and had kids. The only time I had any alone time after having kids was in the car on the way to or from work.

When we first started the parenting plan schedule, I made sure to make plans with friends each time the girls were gone so I wouldn’t have to endure the quiet, lonely feeling I felt. Back then, I was scared of the quiet and alone time, so I wanted to fill my time with things to do so I wouldn’t have to spend my time reliving difficult or sad moments. After a few months of this, I realized that I needed to learn how to really be by myself and be ok with it, so I would force myself to stay home alone– I would try to make it as enjoyable as I could with things like takeout and a movie.

This year, during the week of Thanksgiving, the girls went on a trip with their dad for a week. I had been so busy for most of the year and I couldn’t wait to be on my own for a few days. I made plans each day, but I also made sure to have a lot of down time by myself that week. It had been quite a challenging year and I had a lot of pent up frustrations and emotions and I will admit that I cried every single day that I was alone. I know now that I needed to have those cry days and it was ok and I felt better afterward. I needed that quiet time to sort through my feelings and emotions and let everything go.

Slowly, over time, I have come to enjoy and appreciate my alone time. Sometimes, I drive in the car without listening to music or a podcast just to have a little peaceful moment or two. The quietness when the girls are gone is welcome, although I miss having them around, but I know that I need it to keep myself mentally at peace.

I also have learned that, although I hope I will be in a relationship again in the future, I would prefer to be single than be in a relationship that doesn’t work for me or where I’m not valued. This time alone has taught me that I’m a good person just the way I am and I deserve to be loved and valued, all things that I’m not sure I realized before.

I know it’s not always easy to live in the quiet and loneliness, but sometimes you have to do it so that you can work through all the feelings and emotions you’ve been ignoring. It’s tough and it’s not fun at all, but it’s necessary so you can get to the other side of things ….. better things.

~Laxmi~

You can follow Laxmi on her blog at  https://onedesigirlsjourney.wordpress.com/.