After WAY too much experience on Tinder, I have gleaned the essence of the perfect profile – something that will increase your odds of attracting a man who is halfway decent and better than a serial killer.
If you are looking for a hook-up, a shag, a slam-bam-thank-you-man and nothing more, put up your sexy pics, don’t bother with a blurb, and watch Looking for Mr. Goodbar – because you’d be safer meeting a dude at a dive bar in Barstow (look it up), where you can at least check out his friends and assess how he smells in person.
The world can be a dangerous place, especially for us gals.
If you are like the rest of us over-forty female fun-seekers, you probably have hopes of meeting a decent guy, dating a bit, falling a bit, fu$%-like-bunnies, then enjoying a blissful life of romance and love. This is why building your profile carries a weight equal to writing a Presidential inaugural address. This could be the rest of your life… and the world is counting on you to keep us out of war, stop global warming, and save the planet.
Be savvy when creating your profile. Don’t rush. Think about it. And create it with Tinder Loving Care.
STEP ONE – SELECT YOUR PHOTOS:
Tinder feeds off your Facebook account for your age, education, and photos, so if this concerns you, create a private album only you can see. This way, you post photos you might not normally post on your Facebook (aka shots of your cleave).
1st photo – Primary photo:
You have five seconds to grab his attention. Ergo, your primary photo is where you put your best foot forward. This is the picture that flies across the Tinder screen as men frantically search for the perfect woman (aka Jessica Alba).
Your primary photo should be some sort of headshot – showing your bright eyes, your sparkling smile, and the color of your hair. Your face should reasonably fill the screen so that a man will stop, attention captured, and explore the rest of your profile to learn more about wonderful YOU.
PRIMARY PHOTO NO-NO’S :
* You making duck face. (Only chicks dig chicks making duck face.)
* You making cross-eyed, dumb “I’m-so-fun” face. (If a dude wants Goofy, he’ll go to Disneyland.)
* You with your tits pushed up and out. (You reap what you sew.)
* You and five of your bff’s. (Where’s Waldo? Swipe left!)
* You way, way, way far away on a beach or a ski slope. (He’s not looking for an ant.)
* You kissing your pet (especially if it’s a cat).
2nd photo – Full body shot:
I do not mean a naked body shot – rather, a photo that shows you head to toe. We want him to see that you do, in fact, have legs. (And if you don’t, own it! There’s someone for everyone.) The same goes for weight. If there’s more of you to love – so be it. A lot of dudes dig the zaftig gal. And the ones who don’t, you don’t want to meet – because they will be pissed that you aren’t the size of a thirteen-year-old girl. (Even if he’s a bald dude who wore a hat in all of his own photos). With profile pics, honesty is the best policy.
NOTE: I know it’s what’s in your heart and mind that matters. Today’s culture, where photo-driven technology has made looks more valued than intellect, modern romance has been reduced to the superficial (at least at first). Connection starts with the physical and one can only hope to find a man with the depth to hang around long enough for the physical to grow into something more. Moms, raise your sons well, because your daughters are the yous of the future (aka dating existentialism).
FULL BODY SHOT NO-NO’S:
* You in a bikini, twenty years ago.
* You twenty pounds lighter, twenty years ago.
* You… twenty years ago.
* A full body shot of anyone who is NOT you right now.
3rd photo – Sporty shot:
Remember, these are men we’re dealing with. They want to know you live an “active lifestyle,” you care about your personal appearance, and that you will somehow manage to never, ever age.
SPORTY SHOT NO-NO’S:
* You athletically eating a cheeseburger. (Doesn’t count!)
* You bench pressing 200 pounds. (He needs to think he can take you in a fight.)
* You zip-lining. (Nobody looks good zip-lining.)
* You in a football uniform, padded up. (You’re on the wrong site, sister.)
* You in world’s tiniest bikini, hand-standing on the beach, with your tits hanging
out. (You reap what you sew.)
4th photo – You have TWO choices:
- Intellectual shot:
You looking “intellectual”: reading a book, wearing glasses, playing the piano, contemplating the universe. If you are a teacher, a shot in front of your class; if you are an attorney, you in the law library; if you are a stripper, you in the law library.
- Homemaker shot:
You baking, planting, wearing an apron, painting a house, anything that says “Martha Stewart,” because every dude wants to bone Martha Stewart.
If possible, include A and B, as men ultimately don’t know what they want.
5th shot – Sexy shot:
I did not say “sex” shot. Remember the song, “Man! I Feel Like A Woman?” (If you don’t, you are too young to read this and should pick up a copy of Teen Vogue). You want to capture the essence of sex. Let him know that underneath all your fabulousness, there is a real woman. Tits and ass don’t equal sexy. Tousled hair and a smile, LBD and heels, even barefoot in a man’s shirt – a woman owning her femininity is what grabs the good ones. When you feel sexy, you look sexy, and men like sexy.
6th shot – Optional – for the moms:
If you are a single mom, you must mention this fact in your blurb.
You also have the option of putting a photo of your kids with you in your pics (do not put a photo of just your kids. It is super creepy and just wrong). This is a personal choice. If you are divorced, assume your ex will come across this photo – because I promise, he is Tindering as well. Ask yourself if this will cause unneeded stress in your already strained relationship (even though he has a photo with your kids in his profile pics). If you decide to include a family photo, use it as your final shot.
You don’t want to give the impression you are pimping out your kids in order to get a date. Personally, I did include a family shot for several reasons: I think I am a good mom and am proud of this; my kids turned out great and I am proud of them; and the photo shows we love each other. Most importantly, the shot was taken in Southern France, so if a dude recognizes we are on the beach in Nice he gets bonus points!
– Don’t use photos without you in them. (We’ve all seen sunsets and puppies.)
– More than six shots make you a narcissist.
– If the photo is blurry, you are hiding something.
– If the photo is over or under exposed, you are hiding something.
– Dudes don’t care about your baby picture (or any picture that isn’t you NOW).
STEP TWO – WRITE YOUR PROFILE BLURB
You have 200 characters to make a blazing first impression. Something is better than nothing, but less is more. Do not use deep quotes or song lyrics. Do not be too specific. Lead with what efficiently sums up the type of person you are and list an interest that gives a dude something to connect with. Then briefly state what you are looking for in a man.
Do not leave your blurb blank. In Tinder speak, blank blurbs mean you just want to get laid.
Do not say you are looking to “Netflix and chill.” This is Tinder code for you just want to get laid. (Unless this is what you want, and if so, see WARNING: Stupid Girls.)
Consider the following two blurbs:
- “Fun-loving astrophysicist enjoys scuba diving, salsa dancing, and Fargo. Seeks honest, intelligent man for coffee, conversation, connection – and perhaps more, should the stars align (pun intended). No hook-ups please.”
- “I.T. professional, Stanford grad, sports fanatic; enjoys yoga, the outdoors and a good Hemmingway novel; vegetarian, but not overtly so; non-drinker, but able to limbo. Seeks fun and relaxed partner. Hoping for LTR but happy to date. No hook-ups.
(NOTE: LTR is a Tinder acronym, aka “Tindernym,” for lifetime romance and/or long term relationship.)
These blurbs have it all: personality, profession, sport, hobbies, a dash of wit, and relationship goals. These profiles will get hundreds of hits.
Now consider this blurb:
“Overwrought, unemployed single mom with deadbeat ex seeks guy to take her to dinner, so she can get blindingly drunk, forget her problems, and make out in the car. No hook-ups. Gluten free.”
Unfortunately, this profile will also get hundreds of hits.
Finally, there is this blurb:
“Happily married, gorgeous movie star with rockin’ bod, billion dollar company, perfect children, and the initials Jessica Alba seeks YOU! Middle aged man with a paunch and mid-life-crisis who refuses to grow up and give any decent woman a chance because he thinks he can get me.”
Still, the same amount of hits. Let’s face it, dudes don’t read the blurbs. Or worse… they do and don’t care.
STEP THREE – DOWNLOAD THE TINDER APP
* Go to the App Store on you cell phone.
* Tap on the free Tinder application.
STEP FOUR – MOVE IT ALL ONTO TINDER
* On your phone, open your Tinder app.
* Go to “settings” (the nuts and bolts icon).
* Once inside, tap on your photo over “view profile.”
(This will show you what your Tinder profile looks like.)
* Tap “Edit Info.”
* Pull photos from Facebook and arrange them as desired. Insert your “blurb.”
* Once completed, tap out to the main menu and go to, “Discovery Settings.”
* Select the parameters of your potential mate.
* Tap out and tap on the flame.
YOU ARE READY TO SWIPE. GET BUSY!!!
If you would like to read more of P.Charlotte’s musings, you can find her here:
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