Tag Archives: learn

If Everyone Just Did What I Wanted, I’d Be Happy.

If everyone just did what I wanted.. I’d be happy… I feel like a child throwing a tantrum sometimes when people just can’t respond how I want. Sounds crazy I know…

This happens throughout life… from friendships to relationships to family to coworkers… it’s hard to get to the to point in life where you understand that people are not going to always do what you want… and it’s more about how much you…and what you can live with.. 

The list is endless of all the things that I want people in my life to do… from the good morning texts to having my kids put their dishes away to having someone be able to just say they love you.  

 I would wait for days or weeks for my ex to initiate any form of communication and it would never happen. I would be furious, but of course I would never say anything. I would just give suttle hints.  Or lots of loud sighs… I would wait for him to plan anything in our relationship and he never did.  

At that time, what I didn’t understand was that If they haven’t been the initiator or the planner  in the relationship then they will probably not know how to handle that role. And I’m not an expert at communicating either, but if you are waiting for your partner to all of sudden take over that role. Good luck. They are going to be lost trying to take over that role. They might have never had to do it before and for them it’s scary and they might not have the confidence to try out that new role. 

I was in a relationship with someone that never texted me “ good morning” I couldn’t understand it.  In my mind, it only took seconds to send a good morning text and why couldn’t he just send that simple text for me. Seems simple.. we would argue over this all the time.  But eventually I just had to let it go.. he would try, I would get a couple days of good morning texts and then nothing.   

It has taken me a long time to figure out that it was more about me than the person that I wanted to change… it was about just accepting who that person was and what I could live with… could I live without the good morning texts or would I continue to send snarky texts when I didn’t receive one and complain about it.  It was about what I could overlook and what expectations I could let go of… 

Either I could spend the rest of our relationship complaining about all those things or I could just let it go. And maybe I could start noticing the other things.. the mid day asking how my day is or the stupid Snapchat emojis that make me smile. 

I learned through these relationships that it was more about what I could accept and still be happy.  It was about learning to know what I needed out of the relationship instead of constantly changing someone to fit the mold.  

And if I could not learn to let those things go, then I needed to probably end the relationship because as much as I talked and talked about what I wanted… it was never going to happen.  How do you decide to make that choice?? The choice of learning what you can and can not control in a relationship. Is it worth the constant fighting or unanswered texts?  

This took a long time to understand. I would try and make people respond the way I thought they should. Or I would try and make them be the communicator or the initiator … I would try and turn them into the person they never were. If that makes sense.

I’ve learned to just let a lot of things go and realize that I can’t expect someone to be someone they are not.  I’ve had to realize some people don’t change. I’ve had to realize there are certain things that are deal breakers for me in relationships.  I think I learned that trying to change someone wasn’t making me any happier. I had to figure out what I could be happy with in a relationship and then start learning from there…

-snarky 

https://www.snarkydivorcedgirl.com/blog

You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know

It wasn’t until recently that I realized there are a lot of things that I don’t know about. There are many things that I need to teach my children, and as a mom, that’s a hard revelation. There are just things I don’t know about.

I don’t know how to teach my son how to change oil in his vehicle. I don’t know how to teach him how to do basic home repairs, beyond changing a furnace filter, light bulbs, and using putty for a small nail hole. I don’t know how to teach him to be a “man” in the sense of what he will need to be when he enters the world as an adult. I don’t how to teach him to lead a household in the way men are called to lead their household and family.

I don’t know these things, because I am a woman. Not a man. I wear many hats on a daily basis. Mom, teacher, nurse, doctor, chauffeur, referee, and counselor. The one hat I lack though has the title of “dad”.

But as I sit here writing this, I realize, it’s okay. I am not supposed to know these things. That is where my tribe of people come in. To fill those gaps that I lack. These are the reasons why people say “it takes a village” when it comes to raising children.

My kids are incredibly lucky that they live in the era they live in. They have access to so much technology that they should be able to find a YouTube video on anything they would ever need to know how to do. The things that I cannot teach them, I can help them problem solve to find the right resources and tutorials for them to figure things out. Those tangible, hands on things that my “mom” hat prevents me from knowing.

But what I can teach them are lessons on how to treat people. How to be compassionate towards people. I can teach my son how women should be treated. I can teach my daughters how to be picky when it comes to men and what attributes to look for. I can show my children how simple kindness is what makes the world really go round. I can teach them how to set healthy boundaries so they never have to settle for less than what they deserve. I can teach my children about perseverance. That sometimes life will inevitably knock you down, sometimes making you feel like there is no place to go and there is no hope, but when that moment happens, that’s when you can dig deep into your soul, discover your worth and value, and that is when you rise above it. That is when you discover the inner strength that comes from God depending on your beliefs. That is when you discover what you are made of and how every lesson, big and small, prepared you for that moment.

The moment to rise

The moment to conquer

The moment to believe in yourself

That is something that my “mom” hat allows me to do. But, it doesn’t have to be a “mom” to teach these things. Anyone can teach anyone these things. These are life lessons that any parent can teach their child. It doesn’t matter if you’re a mom, a dad, grandparent, aunt or uncle. Take a minute to teach the children the importance of being a kind human in a cruel world. Teach them to not give up when things get hard. But most importantly, teach them they have value and purpose. Because if you don’t, who will?

~R.

https://thedignifiedgrace.wordpress.com

Learning To Navigate The Steps

When I say steps, I don’t mean the kind you walk up, though this is an uphill climb too. I mean the kind that result from a new marriage. 

My kids gained a step-mother  in May of this year. They also gained a step-sister who lives with them when they are with their father and his new family, which is 50 percent of the time. 

I will not lie and tell you that this was hard for my children in the beginning, it was hard for me. It was hard for me because I was jealous. It was hard to watch him move on. It was hard because where my ex and I had communicated well before, even to the point that you could say we were friends, the communication was cut off. On their side of things, I could not definitively tell you the motivation for that. However, I will concede that it must be difficult being a new spouse and forming a new family when there are extra catalysts for discord. 

I wanted to be friends with my ex and his new wife and if we could not be that, I wanted to at least be friendly. This was never allowed. It was seen as an attack on their relationship when I bought a Father’s Day present for my children to give their father. Virtually every time I contacted them I got knots in my stomach because I knew it would be met with nastiness or ignored completely. It was painfully obvious that he was not able (allowed or otherwise) to respond to simple text messages about the children, without consulting her first. I understand being partners very well, and I think if the roles were reversed I would tell my husband about it, but I would not ask what I was allowed to say or do. The thought of asking permission makes my skin crawl. Though trying to see things through my partner’s eyes does not.

I have struggled and agonized over how to handle this situation. I ask myself over and over when contacting them if it is 100% necessary. I ask myself what is in the best interest of my children. I have gone so far as to consider going back to court to attempt to gain primary custody, though that is never what I wanted. I want my children to have a relationship with their father, a great one even. What I do not want is for them to have to play telephone between their father and me. That is not fair to them. It is not fair to them for people to not act like adults. My ex or myself. 

I am still learning. I am dodging minefields some days and not giving it another thought on others. But, the truth of the matter is that this is a real, raw, and nitty gritty part of divorce. I will keep doing what I feel is in the best interest of my children, and I will take it a day at a time. I will swallow my feelings and my pride to be what they need. And I hope if I am met with the situation my ex is in, I am stronger for my kids than he has been.

Stronger Than Yesterday, 

Alice

Know Your Worth

When approaching 51, you end up doing this sort of involuntary assessment of your existence up to this point…it’s not like a planned thing, it just happens…you find yourself thinking through the decades that have passed and you start looking at what you learned.

If you are me you also think you need to share the things you could have done better because perhaps you will keep someone else from making those particular errors.

Here’s one of my biggest “I could have done betters” career wise — not realizing my worth in the workplace and conducting myself accordingly.  Up until about 3 or 4 years ago I undervalued myself and allowed other people to undervalue me as well— I also did a fair amount of enabling people disguised as being a power performer.  I was talking this morning on the FB Live about how we end up just putting our heads down and moving toward the goal without really giving much thought to how we ARE in the process.  What happens in the workplace is the same…we behave in the same way, we take our –badass single parent, we can get anything done– attitude and we apply it everywhere—without much thought to how we are being treated in return.  We may tend to undervalue ourselves in a work environment by doing this…

For me that showed up for years as me doing everything I was asked, pushing through to get the result no matter what, always saying yes, not asking to be compensated for doing many different jobs, trying to please everyone and make everything easier for them…I trusted that people would treat me the way I treated them…often that was not the case.

Looking back on it all now I see that I did a lot of enabling others because I just always made everything OK and handled it…I was so worried about keeping the bills paid and a roof over our heads that I never once stopped to think about if I was being compensated for what I was WORTH.  In hindsight I could have done so so SO much better—if I had understood how much value I contributed I would have understood how to ask for things in relation to that—instead I just took what was offered and kept doing more…

I am so very grateful for all that I learned in these last two decades and for all of the opportunities that were extended to me, I simply wish that I had taken better care of myself in the process and that I had valued myself as much as I should have.  I would like to see you ladies avoid this – value yourselves, ask for what you deserve and don’t be afraid to walk away if something isn’t working—take care of you—you are worth far more than you think.

 

XO, Noelle

 

Growing Through Hard Times

Everyone it seems is going through some sort of hard times right now, the government shut down, or just the universe being out of wack, it seems everyone is going through something. A lot of people are showing their worst side in reaction to their personal struggle. I was drawn in to is as well. I had to take a step back from everything going on around me. Hard times are meant to make you grow. Especially if you’ve been stagnant in an area of your life for a while. If we get negative, woe is me or lash out we lose our lesson.

Difficult times and situations are a way god or the universe puts a proverbial boot up your tuchus.

Its your wake up call and most of us need a few before we snap to attention. We cant change other people or what happens around us, so the thing we need to change is in us.

It helps me during these times to organize everything I’m doing to appointments to work to even structured time with the kiddos. I also do a gratitude list, and manifestation list to put things in perspective and to attract the things I need. This opens up my focus and attention to see what I really need to look at and work on. Then step by step I get to where I need to be.

Always be unapologetically true to yourself,

Ali

Embrace It Because Time Really Does Fly

Embrace time because it really does fly by…which leads me to what I feel today.  I get those notifications every day from Facebook that are pictures of what I posted “_ years ago today”. I sometimes take the time to look at them, most times not. Today I did-it was pictures of our youngest child…she would’ve been 3. My very last baby. I stayed home with her for the first 5 years of her life-I feel like I have this huge bond with her knowing that she was going to be my last of everything….last 1st bath, last 1st haircut, last kindergarten graduation…ect….it makes me sad but yet also excited for her!

As time flew by with the older two, it’s happening just as fast if not faster with her. Maybe it just seems that way because it’s so bittersweet. I often find myself thinking about all the things and opportunities I have missed with my kids-sometimes I get so caught up in that, I fail to focus on what we have done and just how often we really are together.

Maybe as we age-mortality becomes more of a reality, it did to me anyway. Realizing time doesn’t stop or slow down for anyone!

There truly is never enough time, some days seem like they’re never going to end and only wish for them to! If I knew now what I knew when I was wishing time away, I wouldn’t make that mistake again. Every moment in time is there for a reason. Embrace, learn, experience!

 

Love to all-

Kim