Tag Archives: independence

I Took Back My Name

I stepped away from my Father’s name at age 19 with the assumption I would never go back. I took my husbands and proudly  wore it like a badge of honor. Then things went south and there I was with a daily reminder of things gone wrong attached to me like a curse. I thought keeping it was right for my children, gave them a little bit of normalcy of everyone having the same last name, but then I chose to remarry. Throwing a curveball into best laid plans, my new husband wanted me to have his name versus my ex and it made sense at the time. Here I was making the choice to change it again and stray further and further away from my born name. But then like some things do things went sour and here I was with the choice to keep his name or change it.

So I changed it

I took back the innocent, carefree young girl I was. I decided to go back to the beginning and start fresh. I wanted to go back to a time with I had it all figured out and knew what I wanted out of this life. I wanted to simplify and detox my life and I started with my last name. It felt amazing to hold my new ID with my reclaimed identity and the first thing I did was order checks with my new address and reclaimed last name. I did it. I started fresh and I had the checks to prove it! For the first time in a long time I felt whole, like I had it together, like I was me again.

Getting two divorces by age 27 isn’t what I had in mind for my life, but life throws you curveballs and you have to have small victories to get past the big stuff and reclaiming my last name was one of the small victories 2019 brought me. I got my fresh start, I got a chance to start new again in this life and many people don’t get that.  I am proud to rock my dads namesake and I don’t plan on changing it again. I’ll die with my Daddy’s last name.

Serendipity

The Last Time

I am a few weeks away from taking a solo trip to California. The last time I took a trip by myself G was almost 2 and a half and it was to New Orleans to spend some time with my best friend.

It was also a chance for me to decide if I was ready to leave my husband.The writing had been on the wall for a long time. Even leading up to our wedding. But as I had come off an extremely abusive relationship, my soon to be husband seemed like the change. A new start I needed.

Except he wasn’t.

There were so many flags.

Some I still can’t talk about because I’m ashamed I let those things happen to me a second time. I let someone once again hurt me. I still remember being out with a group of friends and my ex. He sat in the corner his arms crossed and sulked the whole night. These were women who had been in my life for years. Suddenly he was making me question them and myself. Were we too much? Was I?

Or being put with his friends, all of them by the way college drop outs with extremely high IQ’s teasing me,a woman with two BA’s about loving pop culture as much as I did. He didn’t defend me. He joined in. My BA was a waste. I was just a glorified babysitter. His sister at dinner questioning why I ate like I did.

There’s so much I could unpack here, but it’s already been buzzing in my brain with this trip coming up.

You put up with a lot when you think you have no choice. When you think you deserve it. When you are afraid of change. When you are afraid of being alone or failing.That trip was the balm I needed. The reminder I was absolutely not all the things I let him tell me I was.

Leaving was hard. He absolutely did not make it easy and he actually didn’t grant me a divorce for several years. Even now he reminds me what he thinks of me. I think you know it’s not good.

As a result I hid from a lot of people I care about because I was so ashamed I let this happen to me. I am ashamed to say… I still do.

I pride myself on being a strong, independent person.

Not someone who had panic attacks when the clocks strikes 430 because that means my husband will be home and the house needs to look a certain way.

Not someone who cared so much about how I looked.

He hated my hair a certain way.

Tattoos.

Certain clothes.

Even food I ate.

Not someone who can’t decorate my current house in a certain shade of green because that was the only color he allowed me to decorate in.

I am still not the best at a lot of things.

Loud noises can be too much. Specifically any kind of sounds in a kitchen. Maybe another blog…

I tend to go inside myself rather than ask for help.

I take a long time to trust someone.

I cut my hair off, am covered in tattoos and piercings.

I have become a homebody.

But at the end of the day I don’t think my ex is a bad person – I mean I have G. Except he is maybe not a husband person, at least not for someone like me. Obviously.

We are still trying to figure out co-parenting. It goes without saying it’s a huge work in progress.

About 70% he’s a pretty good Dad. 30% I do genuinely want to throat punch him.

Last but not least if I have learned anything.

If someone loves me, they love me.

They have my back.

I am stronger than I think I am.

I will always put G first and make sure she always knows it’s beautiful to be yourself and anyone who doesn’t think do absolutely doesn’t deserve you.

I’m looking forward to a trip this time just to go be.

Not figure anything out.

Just be.

 

Hugs Mommas

<3 Caprise