‘Do You Like Guacamole?…’ If you know what movie that’s from you and I might have similar senses of humor.
I wish more than anything that what I was writing about was funny.
But it’s not even close. So far from it. It’s five days later and I keep looking at my phone rereading messages trying to figure out if there was a clue.
I wasn’t even sure if I was going to write about this. But I will be honest with you all. I write in real time. If I’m writing about it, something happened. Aside from Fixer of Broken Boys series, events of the week always crop up in my blogs.
This one though.
I wish I could swear here.
I’ve done a lot of that this week.
And cried.
And questioned.
Tuesday after work I get a cryptic text from an acquaintance do you still talk to ****?
A bit why?
I didn’t want to share with this person we actually chat pretty regularly. My past experiences with them have left me guarded.
Why?
He passed.
What?
The story changed a few times during the course of the text message so I said thank you. Put my phone down and took a moment.
I reached out to a mutual friend. It was true.
He had killed himself.
I said thank you for letting me know.
Put my phone down.
Reread his texts.
What did I miss?
His social media account had gone silent shortly after, but it was not uncommon. His sassy sense of humor got him in trouble with the Facebook police on and off.
I didn’t think a lot of it.
Until I did.
Here are the things I need you to know.
I had known this person since I was five years old. I have always been a shy, awkward person. I was an easy target as a kid and even when some of his friends were the ones he stood up for me.
He was an enigma.
A conservative army vet with a liberal steak.
He was so smart. But I don’t think he thought so.
We lost touch and reconnected a few years ago and had lunch and dinner a few times and he could talk about anything.
He was intense.
He had a wicked and sometimes inappropriate sense of humor.
He always asked about my daughter.
He held my hand when after years of not seeing me I sat in a bar telling him about my current situation and cried.
He had a great smile.
He sent me taco memes.
Offered to kidnap me a few times.
He supported me being a girly girl.
If he cared about you he teased you.
He would give you everything he had if he thought you needed it.
He didn’t realize the little things he did had such a huge impact on all of us.
And for that my heart is breaking.
Our last few conversations were about of course my daughter, congratulating me on my new job and why I wouldn’t watch The Tiger King.
Typical really.
There are so many more things I could say. But unfortunately the saying about the most positive people, the anchors for everyone they are carrying heavy loads of their own, it’s true.
One of our last conversations he teased me about something I wanted to say about the movie Stepbrothers but was afraid to. He of course said to tell him.
I wish he could have told one of us he was hurting.
But he couldn’t.
I have been transparent in my last few blogs- the world is not what we are all used to. And some people can handle it. But I’m going to be blunt. I have my days and I don’t have a lot of the other things a lot of other people are contending with.
So that said…
Learn the warning signs
Reach out
If you need help yourself :
1-800-273-TALK
I have no more words Mommas, my heart hurts because he is not the first person I’ve lost this way and it gets frustrating to not be able to do more or that you didn’t do enough.
Be safe
<3 Caprise
