Tag Archives: hurting

Brick By Brick

I’m not sure if it happens consciously or subconsciously, but our hurts can cause us to lay brick by brick till we have a wall around our heart.  One minute there’s a few and the next thing we know, there’s a few dozen.

Bricks of anger, upset & regret.

Bricks of jealousy, envy & unruliness.

Bricks of stuffing, ignoring & belittling.

Bricks of drama, discord & accusations.

Bricks of chaos, judgment & unforgiveness.

You get the idea.  Before you know it you need a step ladder to continue laying the brick. The mortar sets and the wall becomes a great barrier from any more hurts.  Or is it?  Do you feel secure in your world, walled off with The Self?  Walled up with your speculations & assumptions of what might happen if you trust, believe or hope again?  Walled up from any more hurt that just might work it’s way into your space, into your veins, into your heart?

Close your eyes and imagine the hurt you feel and know that if the hurt can’t penetrate through the brick wall, neither can the love.  

To have love in our lives, we have to be open & receptive.  Willing to risk.  THAT is where love can grow.  Love grows in the soil of vulnerability. It grows in the assurance & certainty of how your life choices just might go extremely well.  

Is today the day to get out the chisel?   To begin removing, brick by brick, as you learn how to protect your heart without making the wall higher, without walling yourself from the outside world.  Learn to teach your heart, to listen to the prompts that feel yucky and learn to understand why they shut you down and how you can work through them to a place of self love, self respect, self care.

xoxo

Your God girl

Tracy

Do You Like Guacamole?

‘Do You Like Guacamole?…’ If you know what movie that’s from you and I might have similar senses of humor.

I wish more than anything that what I was writing about was funny.

But it’s not even close. So far from it. It’s five days later and I keep looking at my phone rereading messages trying to figure out if there was a clue.

I wasn’t even sure if I was going to write about this. But I will be honest with you all. I write in real time. If I’m writing about it, something happened. Aside from Fixer of Broken Boys series, events of the week always crop up in my blogs.

This one though.

I wish I could swear here. 

I’ve done a lot of that this week.

And cried.

And questioned.

Tuesday after work I get a cryptic text from an acquaintance do you still talk to  ****?

A bit why?

I didn’t want to share with this person we actually chat pretty regularly. My past experiences with them have left me guarded.

Why?

He passed.

What?

The story changed a few times during the course of the text message so I said thank you. Put my phone down and took a moment.

I reached out to a mutual friend. It was true.

He had killed himself.

I said thank you for letting me know.

Put my phone down.

Reread his texts. 

What did I miss?

His social media account had gone silent shortly after, but it was not uncommon. His sassy sense of humor got him in trouble with the Facebook police on and off.

I didn’t think a lot of it.

Until I did.

Here are the things I need you to know.

I had known this person since I was five years old. I have always been a shy, awkward person. I was an easy target as a kid and even when some of his friends were the ones he stood up for me.

He was an enigma.

A conservative army vet with a liberal steak.

He was so smart. But I don’t think he thought so.

We lost touch and reconnected a few years ago and had lunch and dinner a few times and he could talk about anything.

He was intense.

He had a wicked and sometimes inappropriate sense of humor.

He always asked about my daughter.

He held my hand when after years of not seeing me I sat in a bar telling him about my current situation and cried.

He had a great smile.

He sent me taco memes.

Offered to kidnap me a few times.

He supported me being a girly girl.

If he cared about you he teased you.

He would give you everything he had if he thought you needed it.

He didn’t realize the little things he did had such a huge impact on all of us.

And for that my heart is breaking.

Our last few conversations were about of course my daughter, congratulating me on my new job and why I wouldn’t watch The Tiger King.

Typical really.

There are so many more things I could say. But unfortunately the saying  about the most positive people, the anchors for everyone they are carrying heavy loads of their own, it’s true.

One of our last conversations he teased me about something I wanted to say about the movie Stepbrothers but was afraid to. He of course said to tell him.

I wish he could have told one of us he was hurting.

But he couldn’t.

I have been transparent in my last few blogs- the world is not what we are all used to. And some people can handle it. But I’m going to be blunt. I have my days and I don’t have a lot of the other things a lot of other people are contending with. 

So that said…

Learn the warning signs 

Reach out

If you need help yourself :

1-800-273-TALK

I have no more words Mommas, my heart hurts because he is not the first person I’ve lost this way and it gets frustrating to not be able to do more or that you didn’t do enough.

Be safe

<3 Caprise

Reclaiming My Missing Pieces

I am reclaiming my missing pieces. The first time I stopped liking something because of a broken heart I was in high school. I was a big fan of a certain variety of Liz Claiborne perfume. My ex boyfriend’s new girlfriend wore it too.  If I remember correctly I threw out almost a full bottle. It goes without saying my working class parents were livid. It was not inexpensive, but I couldn’t bear to smell like her.

In the years that followed music.

Movies

TV shows

Restaurants

Type of foods

Even certain objects.

This one is easily the most embarrassing I have a beautiful charm necklace. It’s simple but it has my three favorite things on it: a shoe, cassette tape, a unicorn.  I stopped wearing because a woman who was hitting on my boyfriend at the time was obsessed with unicorns.

As I type this I realize that was ridiculous, but when you are hurting or are hurt you find ways to run away from it. Protect yourself. Even if it means sacrificing some of your favorite things.

You know I even changed my hair because I didn’t want to have the same haircut as someone who had hurt me?

And truth be told, it’s a great haircut.

Not only do women drastically change their appearance to get over a broken heart so women give away pieces of themselves. I am starting to realize those pieces I gave away I should have held onto tightly. By tucking them away or throwing them away, I was letting the people who hurt me, hurt me even more.

I might add, that girl in high school had no idea she cost my parents $50 and I can’t imagine she’d care.

I ended up with a really awful hairstyle for awhile there.

Really awful.

The only person who suffered was me.

Sometimes it is good to give certain things up. Truly. You do need to walk away from memories or things to protect your heart, but what I’m learning in my old age is don’t give YOURSELF away.

I love unicorns. I love that necklace. I got it with one of my best friends. That is what I should focus on.

I enjoy an expensive perfume but I’ve outgrown Liz Claiborne as have millions of women.

I was listening to Brass in Pocket with my Dad long before I met that Lacrosse player who broke my heart, he doesn’t deserve our song.

There are still songs I avoid and if certain movies are on I change the channel,but now it’s because of me, not them.

Heartbreak is a slippery slope Mommas and I am by no means a sage but this is what I know…

If you love that song listen to it loudly

If that perfume smells fantastic wear it.

Be really sure about bangs.

Really sure

Those things were yours long before the heartbreak. But if it hurts too much maybe don’t toss them but find a beautiful box to keep them in until you’re ready to bring them back into your life.

In the meantime Mommas remember who you are. You are- as I like to say magical. Truly. You have other humans who count on you and love you with their whole heart regardless of what kind of perfume you wear.

 

Much love Mommas

<3Caprise

The Fixer of Broken Boys Part 11: The One That Should Have Never Been

The One That Should Have Never Been….

Full disclosure this is going to be hard for me to write. I started crying just thinking about writing this chapter.

I made another cup of coffee put on some John Mayer and am snuggled under some blankets…

I need to write this.  It’s important because good, bad or otherwise it shaped me.

If you’re in my life maybe after reading this you’ll understand why I can shamelessly share random facts about myself but giving anyone my heart is almost impossible.

“The woman with the highest walls have the deepest love.”

When I met him I was dating the sweetest man named Ben. He was a bit younger, rode a motorcycle and would pop up with unexpected presents… but I couldn’t get past the fact he was younger than me.

So incredibly stupid some of the rules you make for yourself when you’re dating.

I definitely should never write a dating advice book.

I was DJing at a bar and he was staying nearby for business. Instant chemistry. He was completely different than anyone I dated. Had a good job, close with his family, he had this way. Green eyes, dark hair, freckles and an accent to this day I can’t place. And I don’t want to.

I’m grateful I will never hear that voice again.

It did enough damage.

It was a whirlwind to say the least. I think we were living together after two weeks.

The minute he moved in red flags started flying. He always had a slick recovery. Fantastic used car salesmen. Most criminal psychopaths are.

I kept the secrets and concerns to myself, because I was the idiot friend who when they hear stories of acquaintances in horrible relationships yelled the loudest I would never put up with that.

It’s amazing what you’ll put up with when you’re in it and are led to believe it’s your fault.

I did try to tell a few people but it never came out. When I did share years later it felt like a blip that I should of kept to myself.

Pro tip if someone is suddenly jobless after they meet you… run.

If you never meet their family… better be a stunning reason as to why.

I am being a bit light hearted but it’s decades later and the shame I carry at letting someone like him in my life weighs me down.

He stole from me

He cheated on me

He used our apartment to run a business that is not legal in our state

There’s more…but I can’t. It’s done and I’m not crying so let’s keep going.

I know the neighbors knew but it wasn’t until the day I kicked him out that my next door neighbor came and sat with me until the cops showed up. He just kept apologizing while he held my hand.

I can’t give the One that Shouldn’t Have Been much more because he doesn’t deserve it. He did a ton of damage.

And to be blunt somethings are better left unsaid.

What I know is I got out. I made it.

I am not a victim, I’m not a survivor I’m just a lady who had enough.

The tipping point wasn’t all the horrible things he did to me but the threat he made one night after a terrible fight. He threatened to let my new kitten out, which he had done once and had resulted in her being temporarily blind.  I wouldn’t protect myself but… you get it.

Also,while I’ve had one cat since I’m a dog person…

But yes I’m incredibly guarded. I don’t trust very many people.

I’m a happy person with a heavy soul…sometimes it gets weird. *quote

Yup it does.

This relationship gifted me with a restraining order, a depleted record collection, horrible credit, and the promise to date “nice” guys.

I took a breather. I set some very strong boundaries. Then I met the nice guy but kinda like it seems to go… meh. Not really that nice…

~~Caprise

Single Mom of the amazing Dbl G
Teacher
Sometime DJ
T-shirt collector
Henry Rollins Middle Aged Punk Prom Date