Tag Archives: hurt

Brick By Brick

I’m not sure if it happens consciously or subconsciously, but our hurts can cause us to lay brick by brick till we have a wall around our heart.  One minute there’s a few and the next thing we know, there’s a few dozen.

Bricks of anger, upset & regret.

Bricks of jealousy, envy & unruliness.

Bricks of stuffing, ignoring & belittling.

Bricks of drama, discord & accusations.

Bricks of chaos, judgment & unforgiveness.

You get the idea.  Before you know it you need a step ladder to continue laying the brick. The mortar sets and the wall becomes a great barrier from any more hurts.  Or is it?  Do you feel secure in your world, walled off with The Self?  Walled up with your speculations & assumptions of what might happen if you trust, believe or hope again?  Walled up from any more hurt that just might work it’s way into your space, into your veins, into your heart?

Close your eyes and imagine the hurt you feel and know that if the hurt can’t penetrate through the brick wall, neither can the love.  

To have love in our lives, we have to be open & receptive.  Willing to risk.  THAT is where love can grow.  Love grows in the soil of vulnerability. It grows in the assurance & certainty of how your life choices just might go extremely well.  

Is today the day to get out the chisel?   To begin removing, brick by brick, as you learn how to protect your heart without making the wall higher, without walling yourself from the outside world.  Learn to teach your heart, to listen to the prompts that feel yucky and learn to understand why they shut you down and how you can work through them to a place of self love, self respect, self care.

xoxo

Your God girl

Tracy

Do You Like Guacamole?

‘Do You Like Guacamole?…’ If you know what movie that’s from you and I might have similar senses of humor.

I wish more than anything that what I was writing about was funny.

But it’s not even close. So far from it. It’s five days later and I keep looking at my phone rereading messages trying to figure out if there was a clue.

I wasn’t even sure if I was going to write about this. But I will be honest with you all. I write in real time. If I’m writing about it, something happened. Aside from Fixer of Broken Boys series, events of the week always crop up in my blogs.

This one though.

I wish I could swear here. 

I’ve done a lot of that this week.

And cried.

And questioned.

Tuesday after work I get a cryptic text from an acquaintance do you still talk to  ****?

A bit why?

I didn’t want to share with this person we actually chat pretty regularly. My past experiences with them have left me guarded.

Why?

He passed.

What?

The story changed a few times during the course of the text message so I said thank you. Put my phone down and took a moment.

I reached out to a mutual friend. It was true.

He had killed himself.

I said thank you for letting me know.

Put my phone down.

Reread his texts. 

What did I miss?

His social media account had gone silent shortly after, but it was not uncommon. His sassy sense of humor got him in trouble with the Facebook police on and off.

I didn’t think a lot of it.

Until I did.

Here are the things I need you to know.

I had known this person since I was five years old. I have always been a shy, awkward person. I was an easy target as a kid and even when some of his friends were the ones he stood up for me.

He was an enigma.

A conservative army vet with a liberal steak.

He was so smart. But I don’t think he thought so.

We lost touch and reconnected a few years ago and had lunch and dinner a few times and he could talk about anything.

He was intense.

He had a wicked and sometimes inappropriate sense of humor.

He always asked about my daughter.

He held my hand when after years of not seeing me I sat in a bar telling him about my current situation and cried.

He had a great smile.

He sent me taco memes.

Offered to kidnap me a few times.

He supported me being a girly girl.

If he cared about you he teased you.

He would give you everything he had if he thought you needed it.

He didn’t realize the little things he did had such a huge impact on all of us.

And for that my heart is breaking.

Our last few conversations were about of course my daughter, congratulating me on my new job and why I wouldn’t watch The Tiger King.

Typical really.

There are so many more things I could say. But unfortunately the saying  about the most positive people, the anchors for everyone they are carrying heavy loads of their own, it’s true.

One of our last conversations he teased me about something I wanted to say about the movie Stepbrothers but was afraid to. He of course said to tell him.

I wish he could have told one of us he was hurting.

But he couldn’t.

I have been transparent in my last few blogs- the world is not what we are all used to. And some people can handle it. But I’m going to be blunt. I have my days and I don’t have a lot of the other things a lot of other people are contending with. 

So that said…

Learn the warning signs 

Reach out

If you need help yourself :

1-800-273-TALK

I have no more words Mommas, my heart hurts because he is not the first person I’ve lost this way and it gets frustrating to not be able to do more or that you didn’t do enough.

Be safe

<3 Caprise

Time To Heal

Every week when I write these I’m heavily influenced by things that are going on in my own life, I also hope that what I share is relatable. Even if it doesn’t solve the problem, maybe my blogs give that sense of relief to whoever is reading this- they’re not alone.

I also am an avid follower of this page. While I was getting ready to write this I saw the quote on our Instagram page:

“If you don’t heal what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you.”

That quote hit me like a ton of bricks. Every Sunday I write and try to encourage. I share things that are deeply personal, that are hard to speak out loud. Still are.

I’m learning the more I speak them out the easier it is to do so. The more I speak them out the easier it is to prevent them from happening again. The more I speak them out the more I heal.

I am ashamed to say that I am the type of person that when I’m hurting or struggling I can assign that negativity to other parts of my life. Even if it’s unfounded. I also am superb at pushing people away.  Fortunately, I have some very stubborn people in my life who don’t let me get away with that behavior. I also have a circle of women who have shared experiences, who when I’m feeling this way I can reach out to and they can set me straight.

This still can be a lonely journey. The people I rely on aren’t nearby. I don’t need to tell you how hard it can be when those moments hit and you’re alone. Lately I wear a lot of waterproof mascara. Not because I’m drowning but because I’m healing. With the healing comes those moments when you’re by yourself and it hits.

I said to someone there are times I feel like a bug in a jar.

There are other times I feel like the world is my oyster.

Not this week. If I’m being honest. I have a huge, life changing decision to make. It will have major impacts on me for awhile. It will all work out I think, I hope, but it’s scary. It’s moments like these that I wish my people were more than a text or phone call away.

But the point is… I shared it. With my people. In hacking sobs. Scared phone calls. Nervous texts. Before I cut the people who didn’t hurt me.

My hope for you Mommas is you have people in your life, at least one, who when you have those moments who can help you take the lid off that jar.

In the meantime- sending you lots of these <3

Caprise

Feel The Sadness Not Fill It

I’m sitting in my backyard reading “It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way” by Lisa Terkeurst for inspiration to my life, to my healing,  to my blog.  She speaks about disappointment and how easy it is to fill the sadness with nonsense.

I have found myself filling my disappointments with shopping.  In hopes that those sassy shoes or that amazing outfit would bring me the happiness I longed for.  Anything to not be IN my sadness.  And they did !!  But only for a little while.  Only temporarily.  Only on the surface.  When the excitement wore off, the sadness  re-emerged it’s ugly head, shouting it’s lies of deception and ridicule.  Reminding me of my faults and disappointments.  And not caring one iota of how it left me feeling.  THAT my friend, is the enemy.

I have learned over the years that the enemy is a liar, looking for the weakest place, in me, to attack.  And the enemy doesn’t come to just harm us and make us feel bad, oh no…..the enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy.

As much as we might try to fight off the snearing and sneaky ways…we can somehow be captivated by it.  Wanting to hear what else needs to be said, what other lies exist.  But if we’re not careful the sweet taste of knowing one more crumb, might lure us back in to the sadness we so long to escape.

So you ask, what do we do with the sadness left after disappointment?  I’ve learned to walk through it, to embrace it, learn more about me from it.  Then see where am I REALLY weak and does it matter to me and if it does, what can I do to grow stronger in that area?  If it truly is a lie to keep me tied down, then to find the TRUTH there and proclaim it over and over and over again.  I’ve seen the disappointment turn into a valuable lesson.  Again & Again & Again.

I hope you do too.

xoxo
Your God Girl,
Tracy

Love Can Hurt But It Also Heals

Love can hurt, but it can also heal.

If you read my last post – The ups and downs of this single mom’s weekend– you read about the “relationship” I was in that ended abruptly. I won’t lie, I was pretty upset and had a hard time for a couple weeks trying to understand how someone could treat another person that way with complete disregard. If that weren’t enough, a few weeks after that, I found out that the two of them got engaged. More emotions again.

But through all this, I’ve learned that I have grown. When I had problems in the past with my ex-husband, I kept everything to myself, I didn’t take care of myself and I tried to work through everything on my own. This time around, I made sure to surround myself with positive and supportive people. I have made the time to do dinners or happy hour or lunch with amazing people in my life who know me, who support me and who lift me up and encourage me.

I also had a couple of really cool opportunities during this time. I am a part of a women’s networking group at work and during one of our leadership meetings, we visited Thistle Farms. If you haven’t heard of Thistle Farms, they are a great organization that gives women who survived trafficking, prostitution and addiction a place to live, a meaningful job and a support system. We visited on a Wednesday morning when they hold their weekly circle time. Anyone is invited to participate, and I was thrilled to be a part of it. Everyone goes around the room and introduces themselves and the women who are part of the program take this time to tell pieces of their story and why they are grateful for Thistle Farms. I can’t even explain to you what a moving time this was and to sit in the circle with these women was so inspiring. You could feel the love in the room that day and I walked away with a new perspective – love heals (it’s one of Thistle Farms’ mottos).

A couple of weeks after the Thistle Farms visit, my company got a group together to walk in the Pride parade in our city. We probably had 100 people from our company wearing matching shirts and waiting for the rain to pass so we could start the parade. This was the first year my daughters could attend and leading up to parade day, I sat my youngest daughter down to talk about what we would be doing and why. I told her that the Pride parade was all about love and showing love for others. As we walked down the main street downtown, I took some time to really look around and see all the people who were standing on the building rooftops and lining the streets. There were people of all ages, races, ethnicity and genders – all coming together in the name of love. The experience was amazing, and I can’t wait for us to do it again next year!

These two experiences could not have come at a better time and I knew that I was meant to be in both of those places to help me heal my heart.

But love isn’t just about loving and being loved by others, it’s also about loving yourself. During this time, I have been doing my best to workout to keep me healthy, eat right and listen to my body. If my body tells me I should take a two-hour nap on a Saturday afternoon, then I listen. The work, the chores and the errands will still be there. I even made an appointment to visit my counselor to talk things out. I have realized that if I don’t take care of myself during this difficult time, then I won’t be able to function properly …. and I need that to get myself into a better place.

As hard as the last month or two have been, it’s also been a time of growth for me. Love can be a great thing, but it can also hurt. But, if you are open to the possibilities and allow it, love can also heal you. The love and support of my family and friends, participating in these great opportunities to show love for others and taking care of myself are all ways to help heal a broken heart and spirit. It made me see that love is everywhere around me; maybe I was just focused on looking in the wrong place.

~Laxmi

 

 

Those Hurtful Little Comments

Those little comments..they truly do hurt.

Bullying is something that presents itself in every child’s life at one point or another. Sometimes it’s the unfortunate event of being bullied by someone, or it’s the event in which you have the option of bullying another person. The question becomes, “What is bullying?” and “How does it present itself?”.

One automatically imagines the scene of this big kid picking on a helpless little boy by the lockers at school. Although this unfortunately can be the case, it can occur in many different ways, in many different environments, and to many different people.

One might experience the effects of bullying in public settings as they’re trying to do something they enjoy. Others might experience it online with the increase use of social media platforms to communicate with one another.

When it comes to who the person actually saying those hateful comments is, you never know. Teens often think that the people closest to them could never say rude comments, or put them down.

Sadly, those teens are mistaken. Even though it is a sad thought, the people that we call our close friends can surprise us and show us their true character when they start to make certain negative comments over time. The comments said by those who you trust most, are the comments that are likely to stick with you and the ones that are likely to shape who you are as an individual. People might think that those “little jokes” mean nothing, but little do they know that a person can be genuinely hurt on the inside. My advice is just to be an all around kind person.

Be mindful of the things you are saying to the people around you, and know that those words have the power to really affect others.

~Dani

Reclaiming My Missing Pieces

I am reclaiming my missing pieces. The first time I stopped liking something because of a broken heart I was in high school. I was a big fan of a certain variety of Liz Claiborne perfume. My ex boyfriend’s new girlfriend wore it too.  If I remember correctly I threw out almost a full bottle. It goes without saying my working class parents were livid. It was not inexpensive, but I couldn’t bear to smell like her.

In the years that followed music.

Movies

TV shows

Restaurants

Type of foods

Even certain objects.

This one is easily the most embarrassing I have a beautiful charm necklace. It’s simple but it has my three favorite things on it: a shoe, cassette tape, a unicorn.  I stopped wearing because a woman who was hitting on my boyfriend at the time was obsessed with unicorns.

As I type this I realize that was ridiculous, but when you are hurting or are hurt you find ways to run away from it. Protect yourself. Even if it means sacrificing some of your favorite things.

You know I even changed my hair because I didn’t want to have the same haircut as someone who had hurt me?

And truth be told, it’s a great haircut.

Not only do women drastically change their appearance to get over a broken heart so women give away pieces of themselves. I am starting to realize those pieces I gave away I should have held onto tightly. By tucking them away or throwing them away, I was letting the people who hurt me, hurt me even more.

I might add, that girl in high school had no idea she cost my parents $50 and I can’t imagine she’d care.

I ended up with a really awful hairstyle for awhile there.

Really awful.

The only person who suffered was me.

Sometimes it is good to give certain things up. Truly. You do need to walk away from memories or things to protect your heart, but what I’m learning in my old age is don’t give YOURSELF away.

I love unicorns. I love that necklace. I got it with one of my best friends. That is what I should focus on.

I enjoy an expensive perfume but I’ve outgrown Liz Claiborne as have millions of women.

I was listening to Brass in Pocket with my Dad long before I met that Lacrosse player who broke my heart, he doesn’t deserve our song.

There are still songs I avoid and if certain movies are on I change the channel,but now it’s because of me, not them.

Heartbreak is a slippery slope Mommas and I am by no means a sage but this is what I know…

If you love that song listen to it loudly

If that perfume smells fantastic wear it.

Be really sure about bangs.

Really sure

Those things were yours long before the heartbreak. But if it hurts too much maybe don’t toss them but find a beautiful box to keep them in until you’re ready to bring them back into your life.

In the meantime Mommas remember who you are. You are- as I like to say magical. Truly. You have other humans who count on you and love you with their whole heart regardless of what kind of perfume you wear.

 

Much love Mommas

<3Caprise

Healing: Raw & Ugly

Healing is raw and ugly…

August 12, 2018

Well, here I am. Have gotten through his filing, claiming that I was cruel and “intentionally caused him to lose his job”, which is laughable. As is his request for spousal support.

Now, I’m angry. I’m angry that next week, I will be sending my oldest to Kindergarten, alone. I’m angry that last week I celebrated him losing his first tooth, alone. I’m angry that God let this happen. Why?! What did I do?! I stuck by him and I prayed and I trusted that God would bring us through this, and now here I am. I am alone. I am overwhelmed with bills and with things that need to be taken care of. I feel abandoned, by God, by my husband, by my church. I feel utterly alone and forgotten and uncared for and tired.

And now, I am alone. I am so lonely and so f**cking exhausted and confused and sad and I know I shouldn’t wallow in this and I know I should be grateful for the many, many blessings I do have – I know there are momma’s out there who would give anything to send their child off to Kindergarten. I know that. But this is not how I pictured things. I imagined and planned on preparing our child for school together, to bear the load of all the new and exciting things together, to celebrate the missing teeth and the new things learned together. I imagined that we’d be a team in this. I don’t feel adequate to do it all myself. My kids deserve better. They did nothing to deserve this. I don’t know what I did to deserve this. I truly, truly believed that he and I would be together forever. That we’d have hard times, tough times, but we’d get through them. I never imagined this. Not for a second. Sometimes I torture myself and go through our old pictures together, our old memories. We looked so happy. That wasn’t fake, there’s no way. I know it wasn’t on my end, and I don’t think it was on his. We loved each other. I know we did. We had so many good, happy times. I don’t know what the hell happened. I don’t know what I did wrong or what I could have done better.”

I started writing things (in honesty … typing them – my handwriting is barely legible) a couple of months after we separated. It was a violent separation , literally and figuratively. I had to get the thoughts out, because I didn’t know what else to do, and I wanted to remember the feelings. I had hope that I’d be able to rise out of the suck and one day, look back and say “Look how far I’ve come”! I didn’t have any intention of letting other people read what I typed. BUT… I’ve been reading Brene Brown lately, and learning more about vulnerability. If what I was feeling – the rawness of it, can help someone else feel less alone, sharing is worth it.

At the time of writing my thoughts above, I was just starting to come to the realization that my commitment to our marriage was not reciprocated in any way. My ex-husband and I never worked the same shift or had the same days off in our ten years of marriage. I tried to find the positive in that – things were still new and fresh, seeing him was always exciting. However, it was dawning on me that he was able to maintain the front of being a doting husband for those few hours we had together, and that’s all it was to him. To me, those hours were precious; to him, an act to get through. (And, scene!)

If you read my last post, you know that there was a domestic violence incident and a whole lot of ugliness I subsequently discovered. The divorce was ugly. His attorney was one who would make scathing, disgusting accusations; probably to try and elicit some kind of reaction out of me (and oh, that temptation was REAL). My wounds were still fresh, and her words, baseless accusations, and complete unprofessionalism compounded the emotions and feelings, making a bad situation unimaginably difficult.

I am glad that I wrote my feelings as I was sitting in the suck, trying to navigate those dark moments. I remember how pervasive those feelings and emotions were, how deep the anger and sadness was. The level of betrayal is one that I still cannot find adequate wording for. I can sit here today and reflect on gratitude and the incredible blessings throughout the darkness, but when you’re in it… the good stuff isn’t so obvious.

Today, the darkness is a little lighter. As time goes on and you sit, experience the pain, and allow yourself to move through it, its sharpness lessens. I felt like I was stuck for a long time – I felt like I should be moving must faster, not wallowing in a never-ending pit. My faith and counseling helped me move forward, but the main thing is the willingness to work through it – not just cover it up with new romantic relationships, substances, or mindless activity. I and my kids deserve better. I have to understand how this happened, how I let it get so far, and my blind spots – this cannot happen again.

These days, I still struggle. But it’s not minute to minute so much anymore, and there are far more good days than bad. If you can relate to any of the words in the first few paragraphs, you are not alone. It is so, so hard and it can be incredibly unfair. But… you’ve done hard things before, and you will get through this difficulty. Don’t let what has happened to you define you – let it shape you into the resilient warrior that you are.

-Elaine

Hello Sadness , My Old Friend

Sadness comes. It is inevitable, as it is part of life. It is part of who we are as women living on this earth experiencing loss, upset, fear, change, etc. It comes from that place deep in our hearts where something matters. Where we believe so strongly about something, that being shaken rips at the core of our being. The tears that come, fall from that place behind our eyes that we sometimes cannot put to rest. Sadness may come slowly at times and other times it just jumps out at you when you least expect it and knocks you down. It may stay for a few moments or it may linger. AND ,It is what you do IN the sadness that will liberate you or drag you down.

You must dig deep. Deep into your strength. Deep into your file full of accomplishments, successes & worth. Dig deep to remind yourself what you’re made of & what you’re capable of doing & who you are. As your God-girl…I pray with the sadness. I reach out to my girlfriends and get support. I read my affirmations and look at my Vision Board. I make a new Vision Board. lol I open my Bible and read. I re-read a favorite book. I am reminded of my greatness and that this sadness is just a hiccup in the road of life. I BE with it, look at what is good, and pull myself up by my bootstraps.

Be with the sadness and remember to not let it get a grip of you. Remember to breath & breath & breath still, to trust once again, & to remember that you are strong and courageous and all WILL work out. Sadness just is. And as I’ve heard people say ….This Too Shall Pass”.

Your God Girl-

Tracy

I Am Not Broken

I am not broken.

This past holiday weekend a blow up with my daughter over me wanting to see what she was watching on her iPad resulted in her sharing she feels responsible for her Dad and I not getting along.

I meant to write about how happy I am it’s Spring and how much I love the beautiful weather and I am.

I can not adequately put into words how good it is for my soul to wear sandals and open windows and feel the breeze.

But as much as I want to celebrate the new season my heart hurts that my daughter feels any kind of responsibility for things between her Dad and I.

I think I did things backwards with G.

But let’s be honest, there is no guide when you get divorced. Maybe I did things just right and she’s just hitting the age where she can see it.

Or maybe after nine years I’m worn out from trying to hide it.

Either way my heart sank when she said she doesn’t like knowing her  Dad and I don’t like each other.

She feels like I’m hurt, broken.

I stopped her.

For starters while I’m not her Dad’s biggest fan. I don’t not like him. But he makes some not great choices and G usually tends to be in the vicinity when he does.

I also let her know she is my sun, my moon, and my stars. Being her Mom actually fixed me. Being her Mom is the best thing in the world. She is the best thing in my world.

Not being with her Dad, while it’s not where I’d thought I’d be.

I’m happy.

And Mommas my heart is sinking that she thinks me being alone, not getting along with her Dad means I’m not happy.

This would be about the time I throw in a fun quote or try to lighten the mood.

I’m tapped.

I’m alone on Easter.

The only store that’s open already put their Easter candy away, and somehow I have to get in my daughter’s head and heart absolutely nothing between her Dad and I is her fault.

I thought I had.

Aww Mommas… this is a toughie

<3 Caprise