Tag Archives: honesty

The Power Of Speaking Up

The power of speaking up..If you have been reading my posts the last few weeks I have been sharing my struggles with dating again. Almost all of it is because of communication and fear.Those two things I think are in a really healthy relationship actually and as such, they have definitely had an impact on mine.

Through all of this I keep thinking what would I tell my daughter? What do I say to my friends? I mean… what do I share with you all?

So… I mustered up a whole lot of courage partnered with a whole lot of Reese’s and told my kinda, sorta, person what I wanted. What I needed.

There were some tears.It was a jumble. A bit of a mess.At one point he asked me if I wanted to write it down. 

Yup….I know.

He listened.Really patiently actually.But I will be honest … I felt terrible. Selfish even. Which I know is crazy. When you are with someone you should be able to speak up, except up until now I have never felt like anyone has wanted to listen.

Here I am a few days later writing about it. Sharing it. Guess what?

Everything is fine.

In fact maybe better than fine because we talked through why I have a hard time speaking up.That in and of itself was incredibly powerful. Still scary. But I think we understand each other better now. Which we need. I need. 

I still have absolutely no idea where any of this will land but I am relearning what a healthy relationship looks like and that is powerful too.

Be safe and much love Mommas 

<3 Caprise

When Life Gets Messy

When life gets messy with relationships and dating… how do you take time the time to figure it out?

When life gets messy…I used to just move on to the next thing and stay constantly busy. I would make plans every night. I would plan my weeks out way in advance. I would make sure to not have a free moment to myself. I would basically try and cover it all up, sweep it under the rug, and move on.

I was continuing to fall into the same pattern with my relationships. Mostly because I would not take the time to figure out what what went wrong or what I really wanted. You date someone for a few weeks, you break up, then you keep yourself continuously busy until the next person comes along that peaks your interest. I found this to be very true for me. I know that is what dating is about, but after a consistent pattern of failed relationships, I had to do some soul searching.

I have had to do a lot of self reflection on my relationships over the last five years, some were long term and others were short lived. At first, I just thought I wanted a relationship. I did not take the time to really think about what type.

Could I fit this person into my life?

Did I have time to meet what they needed?

Did I want a serious commitment?

Could they fit me into their life or their schedule?

Did they want a casual or serious commitment?

Did I need someone that would make plans with me weeks in advance?

I had to think was I too needy for them or not needy enough?


I needed to think about all of these things… and also think about what I was ok with in a relationship.

No one is going to do everything that you want. I think many times in the past, I have talked myself into dating this person longer than I have should have… I thought we might eventually like the same interests, I thought he might eventually show me more attention, I thought eventually he might do what I wanted…haha… I am kidding.

Many times I would say to my friends, “ ohh he is really nice”. Many people are nice, but I should not be dating them because they are nice. I would spend way to much time devoted to someone that was never going to fit with me, when I should have ended it.

Many times after the relationship failed, I was like how come I didn’t end it sooner. I mean there were huge red flags, but I just kept on with it and didn’t pay attention. If I would have just stopped, done some honest thinking with myself, I probably would have saved myself the heartache.

Besides trying to figure out why it didn’t work, I had to figure out what I wanted. If all the signs were there that it wasn’t working, why was I still determined to try… was it because I was afraid of being alone or just wanted the companionship.

I stopped keeping myself continuously busy, instead I slowed my life down. I stopped looking for the next relationship. I had to think about what was important to me. I asked myself all those questions over and over again. I had to realize that what I thought I wanted or was told I should want, was not really what I wanted. I was spending time going after the wrong relationships. I had to constantly remind myself of this when I began dating or a new relationship.

Because life in relationships gets messy… I had to continue to be very honest with myself.

-Snarky

https://www.snarkydivorcedgirl.com/

The Whole Truth

Do you know the Truth?  Would you know It if It hit you in the head?  Would you know It if It came out of left field?  Would you know It if It came out of the mouth of the man across the table?

Ladies, it so so so so, (did I say SO?), important that you know the Truth.  Your Truth. Who you are deep down.  Beyond your insecurities, beyond your fears and doubts, beyond the place where you think you know.  

I don’t even know you & I know that you are a beautiful, captivating, gorgeous woman.  How do I know?  Because I KNOW that God doesn’t make less than that.  We are made with love and honor and dignity and breathtaking beauty at our core.  It is the world and some of the people in it who tend to disagree.  And the only reason they disagree and have the gumption to speak degrading, mean & cruel words to us  is because they don’t know their Truth.  

Once you know, you see everyone from those eyes, from that heart, from that space that you now live from.  And now that you know the Truth, you cannot go back to who you were before.  That girl you used to say not the greatest things about….  Yah, her.  You are not her any more.

Picture yourself out on a date with a fine man.  A man who makes you smile… just being in his presence lifts you up beyond where you were before he picked you up.  AND listen to his words.  Look to see if he acknowledges your Truth…..if he can even see it.  Does he appreciate your beauty?  Does he desire to know you more?  Does he treat you with respect and dignity?  

When you know your Truth, you will be able to see clearer than ever before.  Be your Truth.

xoxo

Your God-girl

Tracy

Relentless And Thirty-One

Thirty was brutal.

It was brutally honest and unapologetically raw. It was a beautiful mess with parts I would not wish on my least favorite of human spirits.

Thirty was the year of sorry’s, and sighs, and throwing my hands to the skies. Thirty was the year of aging mentally and physically. Thirty was the year of allowing myself to be lost and not wanting to be found by anyone but me.

Thirty was letting go and a series of hard choices–the kind of decisions that prove your character. The kind that ache, bleed, and scar. It was self discovery and starting new.

It was hitting reset, rinse, repeat.

Thirty was the year of unrelenting chaos, followed by uncomfortable calm.

Reset, rinse, repeat.

Thirty was wanting to run away and never come back. Thirty was wanting to disappear. Thirty was wanting to be seen. Thirty was wanting to be held. Thirty was the paradox.

I looked around the house and just wanted to burn it down more than once. I looked up airline tickets for three out of the country more than twice. I second guessed my decision to leave my marriage…zero times.

I redecorated. I made new recipes. I cooked a lot of food. I lost ten pounds. I gained ten pounds. I gave zero f&*cks. I grew out my hair. I bought $40 foundation for the first time ever. I painted my first and last room. I told some of my best jokes. I did some of my best writing. I had some of my worst parenting moments. I had some of my lowest lifetime moments. Thirty was angry, and it was sad. It was a 24/7 adrenaline rush and it was exhausting. Thirty was adult dating, and school girl blushing. Thirty was laughing like I hadn’t in years, even when it was at my own life or expense. Thirty was saying hard truths out loud. Thirty was letting myself grieve things I’d been missing. Thirty was accepting good things when they presented themselves and not feeling guilty about it.

It was letting go of things I had already long lost. It was closing doors to rooms in my heart that made me cold and sad. It was opening windows to trust new faces and unfamiliar spaces within my new life.

It was a year of allowing myself to cry at green, yellow, and red lights. In conference rooms, in the shower, at daycare, at the doctor’s office, at the dinner table of friend’s and in the doorways of their homes without warning.

I left a dozen chapters of my life behind, and in my husband’s hands, hours before someone else’s wedding. I forced myself to spit out razor blades of truth at the person I said ‘forever’ to. My head had to forcefully tell my heart to leave my husband and be completely unwavering in that choice.

It was the year of asking for help and of saying ‘yes.’ It was a the year of the king size bed, an ironic choice for a person with one less body next to them. The year not for the bucket list, but the f*%ck-it list.

Thirty was love at its most genuine, whether it was for me or from me. It was finding out who really is in my corner and who deserves to be put in one.

Thirty was dancing in the rain, crying in the rain, jumping puddles in the rain, kissing in the rain. I made the most of it, but thirty is what made me. Thirty taught me to spit in fear’s face, to say goodbye to people and things that don’t add, but detract, from my life.

Thirty gave me a glimpse into what I am really made of.

I am braver and stronger than I thought. I am more loved than I realized. I am capable of much more than I gave myself credit for.

The year turning over only proudly reinforces two things: this is my circus and these are my monkeys.

This is relentless and thirty-one.

~Jessica-Awesome Single Mama