Tag Archives: heartache

The Fixer of Broken Boys Part 11: The One That Should Have Never Been

The One That Should Have Never Been….

Full disclosure this is going to be hard for me to write. I started crying just thinking about writing this chapter.

I made another cup of coffee put on some John Mayer and am snuggled under some blankets…

I need to write this.  It’s important because good, bad or otherwise it shaped me.

If you’re in my life maybe after reading this you’ll understand why I can shamelessly share random facts about myself but giving anyone my heart is almost impossible.

“The woman with the highest walls have the deepest love.”

When I met him I was dating the sweetest man named Ben. He was a bit younger, rode a motorcycle and would pop up with unexpected presents… but I couldn’t get past the fact he was younger than me.

So incredibly stupid some of the rules you make for yourself when you’re dating.

I definitely should never write a dating advice book.

I was DJing at a bar and he was staying nearby for business. Instant chemistry. He was completely different than anyone I dated. Had a good job, close with his family, he had this way. Green eyes, dark hair, freckles and an accent to this day I can’t place. And I don’t want to.

I’m grateful I will never hear that voice again.

It did enough damage.

It was a whirlwind to say the least. I think we were living together after two weeks.

The minute he moved in red flags started flying. He always had a slick recovery. Fantastic used car salesmen. Most criminal psychopaths are.

I kept the secrets and concerns to myself, because I was the idiot friend who when they hear stories of acquaintances in horrible relationships yelled the loudest I would never put up with that.

It’s amazing what you’ll put up with when you’re in it and are led to believe it’s your fault.

I did try to tell a few people but it never came out. When I did share years later it felt like a blip that I should of kept to myself.

Pro tip if someone is suddenly jobless after they meet you… run.

If you never meet their family… better be a stunning reason as to why.

I am being a bit light hearted but it’s decades later and the shame I carry at letting someone like him in my life weighs me down.

He stole from me

He cheated on me

He used our apartment to run a business that is not legal in our state

There’s more…but I can’t. It’s done and I’m not crying so let’s keep going.

I know the neighbors knew but it wasn’t until the day I kicked him out that my next door neighbor came and sat with me until the cops showed up. He just kept apologizing while he held my hand.

I can’t give the One that Shouldn’t Have Been much more because he doesn’t deserve it. He did a ton of damage.

And to be blunt somethings are better left unsaid.

What I know is I got out. I made it.

I am not a victim, I’m not a survivor I’m just a lady who had enough.

The tipping point wasn’t all the horrible things he did to me but the threat he made one night after a terrible fight. He threatened to let my new kitten out, which he had done once and had resulted in her being temporarily blind.  I wouldn’t protect myself but… you get it.

Also,while I’ve had one cat since I’m a dog person…

But yes I’m incredibly guarded. I don’t trust very many people.

I’m a happy person with a heavy soul…sometimes it gets weird. *quote

Yup it does.

This relationship gifted me with a restraining order, a depleted record collection, horrible credit, and the promise to date “nice” guys.

I took a breather. I set some very strong boundaries. Then I met the nice guy but kinda like it seems to go… meh. Not really that nice…

~~Caprise

Single Mom of the amazing Dbl G
Teacher
Sometime DJ
T-shirt collector
Henry Rollins Middle Aged Punk Prom Date

The Fixer of Broken Boys Part 1: How Did I Get Here

How did I get here?….

Ugh why is he taking so long.

I stared at the cement blocks that made up his wall. The bottom of his loft. The posters on his dorm room wall. 

Wishing he had put me in charge of the music. At 20 I felt his obsession with Frank Sinatra aged him more. He already looked like he would into middle age. Thin, straight combover hair. Oversized square wire rimmed glasses. His standard attire was a polo, khaki shorts and a boring shoe. To really mix it up he wore a baseball hat. And aftershave. Too much aftershave. 

Bored, bored, bored. 

I just wanted to go home and shower. Who taught him to kiss? So sloppy. For such a neat freak he was an incredibly sloppy kisser. My first boyfriend really?! 

His door opened. “Sorry rounds took a bit. Tina invited me to a party next weekend”
“That’s my birthday”
“You’re going home- we’ll celebrate when you get home”

We never celebrated. He had sex with Tina and dumped me via birthday card. I was too shy. I was too much of a free spirit. Tina he’d known since high school.
Tina didn’t make him work for it.
I didn’t cry until later. Surrounded by the girls on my floor. “She is definitely not nearly as pretty as you. It won’t last”.

They got married after college. He is a lawyer, she stays home and is raising their two daughters who they adopted from China.

Social Media – ugh.

I have always been a late bloomer. I didn’t kiss a boy until I was 14. First date 16. Did I mention my Mom hooked that up?  Yes, yes she did.  Because I wasn’t awkward enough. My Mom managed a restaurant when I got my acceptance letter to college and it looked like I wasn’t going to land a date on my own – she asked one of her many college aged hosts if they would take me out on a date.

I really do not want to know if she paid them. But one kind soul agreed and we went to the zoo. That will come later, I promise but it did not really equip me with the tools to deal with college boys. Seriously. I don’t mean that to be cryptic – it’s really not but when you have never dated, never drank, and go away to college without a car. Mistakes or not mistakes will be made.

We will get to that too.

Let’s get back to the scene of my first heartbreak. Did I mention at 20 this guy already looked like a middle aged dude. He did and on my gosh SO MUCH cologne.  JESUS GOD. My face was also ravaged after a make out session.  As an excezema sufferer his not shaved oily mug did some serious damage to my cheeks. Thank goodness we normally didn’t meet up until the weekends – gave my face a day to recover.

Ladies as a note when you make out with a man he should not kiss so wetly your lips are chapped.  This is not how this works. Unless you are into that in which case – you do you.

As you already know we didn’t make it.

Let it begin…

 

~Caprise

5 Steps Helping You Find Your Love Again

True love and soulmates, one of life’s greatest life goals. But, achieving it is easier said than done. The concept of love seems pretty simple between everyone, but our needs and expectations can easily get in the way and ruin a perfectly good relationship. Here are 5 steps helping you find your love again, these are based on my personal experience, but hopefully they be of some help to you.

  1. Go Through A Heartache.

    I know that sounds kinda crazy, but when you think about it. You need to be completely broken from love, in order to find what true love really means. I think having your heart broken is one of the worst experiences I went through. It was different when it was a boyfriend/girlfriend thing rather it being a divorce. When it’s over, it will be over. If it’s worth saving, you may give it a go. But failing to see it’s worth letting go can be unhealthy physically, mentally & emotionally.

  2. Grieve & Let Go.

    The more you grieve, the better off you are. When you hold it all in and not grieve at all, it will eat you up and you can pick up some nasty addictions and go on a total destructive path and that’s no good. Make sure you have a good support group of friends and family you can trust, that help makes the grieving process a lot easier. Let’s not forget, it’s okay to not be okay, but don’t stay at ‘not okay’. Once you’re able to let go of them, you can finally move on to better.

  3. Get Your Life Together.

    That’s right, easier said than actually doing it. Me, I lost everything I had and had to put all my stuff in storage. I live in my parent’s spare room, I work a minimum wage job, I got a couple hundred to my name and that’s it. I don’t have my life together, however I do have goals, I am better off than I was a year ago. I know what makes me happy. I enjoy life, even if it’s going slower than I wanted it to. Don’t let your depression take over your life, but don’t over work yourself. Take a shower, do a load of laundry, smile more.

  4. Live Your Life.

    I know it seems silly, but this is your time to find new hobbies, new activities, something. Don’t stay indoors all day. Go out, make friends. Join a gym, be active. I like going to parks and going on walks, reading books now relax me, I always ignored it before. I like baking and doing DIY projects. Going out with friends and being social. Finding happiness is the first step of self love and self worth.

  5. Let Love Find You Or Put Yourself Out There.

    Yep, that’s right. You can join the support groups, dating websites, the old fashion way of just putting yourself out there. But it’s best to follow these steps, you can’t go from step one to step five. You must start from the bottom, rebuild your life and learn to love yourself all over again. Or you can sit back and let love find you, as you enjoy your life as a single person. This step is always what you want to make it.

I am some where between step three and step five. I am in the middle of getting my life together, but at the same time I am living my life and putting myself out there to find love. I’ve been single for over 4 years now and I am a totally different person than I was then. But I learn something new everyday. I am still single, but I am happy at being single.

 

Natalie is a single mom of four, writer & chef. She lives in North Carolina with her teenager daughter. Her life consists of faith, live music, good food, family & adventures. Follow Natalie on her blog, https://calmtheforkdown.com