Tag Archives: heart

Unconditional Love

In order to begin this conversation with you; I must first define the word – Unconditional.

Webster’s defines unconditional as without conditions or reservations; absolute.

My question to you —is there such a thing as giving too much or loving too much?  My answer to this is, NO—if the giving and the loving are unconditional.  Unconditional loving and giving are I’m afraid, rarer than you may imagine.  There are people that love so that they will get something in return…love, money, happiness, sex, material things etc…there are unspoken conditions on their loving and when the other person fails to deliver, the love is taken away in punishment.  The same is true for some folks in the giving department…they give and then they expect something in return and when they don’t get it, problems arise.

There is also the case of the person suspect of being unconditionally loved or given to—this indicates an inability to receive on their end…you see in order to be a balanced giver you must be able to receive as graciously as you give…there are those that only want to give and become very uptight when on the receiving end of gifts or love.  They wonder what the other person is “up to” giving all these gifts and expressing all this love, they become certain that things cannot be as simple as they seem—there must be some ‘ulterior motive’ to all this generosity…

Funny thing is if you gain a deep understanding of how life really works you would love and give yourself SILLY…for those of us that get it there is nothing else to do but give and give and give and love people unconditionally…really and truly that is what we are here for…to share…to share ourselves and our ‘stuff’…

So many people walk around so tightly wound up about what is ‘theirs’ and what hoops have to be jumped through in order for someone to gain their love…there are times when we see what people are really made of and sadly those times mostly come when tragedy strikes…do you remember how loving and generous people were with each other after 9-11-2001?  Strangers helping each other however they could, sharing, offering love, strength, help, money, clothes, food…anything — we all gave anything we had and we were glad to do so…we allowed ourselves to feel love for people just because and it made us all stronger at a time when we needed it most…well what happened folks???

Did our need for generous hearts subside???  No, in fact it seems to me that we could use generous hearts more than ever right now—-we could use a lot less complaining and criticism and a lot more unconditional giving and loving.  Look around you—the world needs a lot of help from people that understand…there are so many things that we could say are wrong, however when do we begin to say what’s right with everything?  That kind of looking starts with you…there is good in everything, you just need to have faith that it is there and then you have to be willing to SEE it…sometimes it takes awhile…

We have to wake up, we have to be responsible to make things better for ourselves and everyone around us—there is nobody else folks, this is our job.

It is IMPOSSIBLE to:

love too much, give too many presents, celebrate too many things, be too forgiving, be too generous, be too happy, see too much good, help too many people, give too much money, volunteer too much, serve too much…

Nobody ever died from giving too much of themselves, actually it enlivens and empowers you…maybe you should give it a whirl, may make you live longer…when you get busy contributing to other people your own small grievances hardly show up anymore…

I leave you with a quote from St. John of the Cross:

“A generous heart will never care

to go part way; it won’t be cowed

if there is passage anywhere,

but set out on the hardest road;

nothing can cause it misery,

and with faith soaring like a cloud

it feeds on something I don’t know

that one may come on randomly.”

 

~Noelle

The Fixer of Broken Boys Part 11: The One That Should Have Never Been

The One That Should Have Never Been….

Full disclosure this is going to be hard for me to write. I started crying just thinking about writing this chapter.

I made another cup of coffee put on some John Mayer and am snuggled under some blankets…

I need to write this.  It’s important because good, bad or otherwise it shaped me.

If you’re in my life maybe after reading this you’ll understand why I can shamelessly share random facts about myself but giving anyone my heart is almost impossible.

“The woman with the highest walls have the deepest love.”

When I met him I was dating the sweetest man named Ben. He was a bit younger, rode a motorcycle and would pop up with unexpected presents… but I couldn’t get past the fact he was younger than me.

So incredibly stupid some of the rules you make for yourself when you’re dating.

I definitely should never write a dating advice book.

I was DJing at a bar and he was staying nearby for business. Instant chemistry. He was completely different than anyone I dated. Had a good job, close with his family, he had this way. Green eyes, dark hair, freckles and an accent to this day I can’t place. And I don’t want to.

I’m grateful I will never hear that voice again.

It did enough damage.

It was a whirlwind to say the least. I think we were living together after two weeks.

The minute he moved in red flags started flying. He always had a slick recovery. Fantastic used car salesmen. Most criminal psychopaths are.

I kept the secrets and concerns to myself, because I was the idiot friend who when they hear stories of acquaintances in horrible relationships yelled the loudest I would never put up with that.

It’s amazing what you’ll put up with when you’re in it and are led to believe it’s your fault.

I did try to tell a few people but it never came out. When I did share years later it felt like a blip that I should of kept to myself.

Pro tip if someone is suddenly jobless after they meet you… run.

If you never meet their family… better be a stunning reason as to why.

I am being a bit light hearted but it’s decades later and the shame I carry at letting someone like him in my life weighs me down.

He stole from me

He cheated on me

He used our apartment to run a business that is not legal in our state

There’s more…but I can’t. It’s done and I’m not crying so let’s keep going.

I know the neighbors knew but it wasn’t until the day I kicked him out that my next door neighbor came and sat with me until the cops showed up. He just kept apologizing while he held my hand.

I can’t give the One that Shouldn’t Have Been much more because he doesn’t deserve it. He did a ton of damage.

And to be blunt somethings are better left unsaid.

What I know is I got out. I made it.

I am not a victim, I’m not a survivor I’m just a lady who had enough.

The tipping point wasn’t all the horrible things he did to me but the threat he made one night after a terrible fight. He threatened to let my new kitten out, which he had done once and had resulted in her being temporarily blind.  I wouldn’t protect myself but… you get it.

Also,while I’ve had one cat since I’m a dog person…

But yes I’m incredibly guarded. I don’t trust very many people.

I’m a happy person with a heavy soul…sometimes it gets weird. *quote

Yup it does.

This relationship gifted me with a restraining order, a depleted record collection, horrible credit, and the promise to date “nice” guys.

I took a breather. I set some very strong boundaries. Then I met the nice guy but kinda like it seems to go… meh. Not really that nice…

~~Caprise

Single Mom of the amazing Dbl G
Teacher
Sometime DJ
T-shirt collector
Henry Rollins Middle Aged Punk Prom Date

The Fixer of Broken Boys Part 8: The One

Your first love isn’t always the right one. I’m going to go out on a limb and say sometimes because they’re your first- they became something they’re not.

This was the boy in yellow. Here I am 25 years later trying to erase the imprint he made on me. He set the tone for what I accepted. For how I looked at things. I didn’t know that. Until I met my real true love. Who you will meet too.

We started out pretty great until we didn’t. He did everything a first boyfriend should. He was attentive and sweet. He showered me with presents. All the time. He went home every weekend to work. Every weekend he came back I got a new piece of jewelry. To this day I don’t like getting jewelry as gifts from men.

He would buy me clothes. Took me to his hair salon. I thought it was sweet. I was too young to figure it out. Thankfully my friends were jaded just enough. His parents tolerated me. His siblings didn’t get me at all.

Also he wasn’t great about keeping secrets.

While for me he was my one and only and I even had the promise ring he gave me to show his devotion. His commitment. We were one step away from marriage.

Except…I was his college girlfriend.

He had another girlfriend back home. Then he started sleeping with women on campus. Bragging about it.

I found out.

Broke up. Took him back.

Here’s the thing as a society we do an alright job with Sex Ed. But honestly we need to educate our children on relationships.

Seriously.

I needed someone to have a “Come to Jesus” with me and help me get my head right.

Instead I put up with his bull**** for almost two years because I thought since he was my first … I had to.

No I did not.

A wonderful group of guy friends intervened. I broke it off.

He would paint me as the one who did him wrong. Full disclosure in the middle of an on/off time in our relationship I met someone. I didn’t pursue it, but I didn’t hide it either.

He shaped how I trusted

How I shared

How I loved

How I saw myself

It wasn’t great, it wasn’t bad but you should love someone for who they are. He never did. He let me know all the time. In his defense he was shaped too.

Years later he would find me on social media and every year at the same time ask for my forgiveness and for me back.

And every year I would say the same thing- no. I’m happy. I will always love you because I will, but no. You broke my heart.

Two years ago a few months after our yearly exchange I found out he killed himself.

This is easily the hardest chapter to write and I skimmed a lot. Because…because…

My heart is still breaking

 

~~~~Caprise
Single Mom of the amazing Dbl G
Teacher
Sometime DJ
T-shirt collector
Henry Rollins Middle Aged Punk Prom Date

 

The Fixer of Broken Boys Part 3: The Early Years

The Early Years…

After Reed my heart hurt I lost my friend. My best friend. Lucky for me the neighborhood we lived in was full of working class families like my parents who had kids my age who aside from Thing One and Thing Two didn’t think me being small or having weird teeth was a problem. It might have helped most of those kids were boys. It also helped that my Dad was pretty cool as far as Dad’s go. He listened to his music loud, he was young. The boys in my neighborhood saw an adult who would talk to them. 

At one point in my life my Dad had me so convinced he was John Lennon I took the The Beatles Sargent Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club band album to school and told my classmates during show and tell my Dad was John Lennon. He did have long hair and glasses. Insert whatever emoji you feel this warrants here. I have a couple in mind. 

Having the cool young Dad was helpful. Having a stunningly beautiful Mom who baked better and more than most of the Mom’s in the neighborhood didn’t hurt either. 

Last but not least my godparents lived close by. Like down the street nearby. They were the first people I knew who had a microwave and I thought I was the shit because they let me cook hot dogs in it. I was a regular Julia Child. They also let me walk their two dogs. Which again caused me to think I was the shit because I was allowed to walk TWO dogs unsupervised. They were weiner dogs. Of course I was. I weighed more than them combined. Keith always called me princess and reminded me daily I was going to be beautiful and amazing. Rene had the sweetest quietest voice. She had this grace I can’t explain but I always knew I was loved when I was with her. I never, ever doubted it.

She died a few years later from cancer. 

Heartbreak number two…

 Sorry we went there. It’s going to happen ok? It will happen again and it will probably be a lot harder than that. I am sorry not sorry but this is my deal and my story and I can sugar coat it and wrap it up for you. Or I could be honest. I could wear it all out there. Some of it I will. Some of it I won’t. I can’t and that is not to protect you my friends. It’s to protect me.

So where were we?

Oh yup what I like to call my early years.

Aside from Reed and music class boys there were a handful of boys who caught my eye. But it was never reciprocated until it was.

He was a year older than me and it was the summer before Junior High. Some of you young whippersnappers call it Middle School now. 

So where were we?

Oh yup what I like to call my early years.

The neighborhood I grew up was working middle class families like my parents, military families and welfare families. It was full of duplexes with carports and garages, full grown trees and a park on every street. But the jewel was our rec center which had a baby and two big pools. Swim lessons were free and the minute the pool opened for the summer we all lived there. It was probably the only time in my life I was tan. I would like to say to you in Middle School I glowed up as the kids say. 

That would be untrue. I like most of the girls in the mid 80’s had an unfortunate mullet bob thing going on accented by way too much Sun In. However what I did have was contacts. Life altering contacts. And dentures. My whole life I have always received the same compliment. You have amazing eyes. I do. They are big and a crazy deep blue. Almost all the women and some of the men on my Dad’s side of the family have these crazy doe eyed blue eyes. Gets everyone every time. When I ditched my glasses the family eyes reeled in some attention.

I was uncomfortably ok with it. No one was a creeper. At least not yet. That will come later. Doesn’t it always thought? Doesn’t someone always have to wreck it.

He did not wreck it. In fact he taught me how to take a compliment. To protect us all we will call him Jack. He was about to start high school, was not much taller than me but so many muscles. Which I noticed because I am not a 100% he owned a shirt. If he did he didn’t wear it around me. It all started innocently enough.  He and his friends were playing football near the pool. He noticed me and said hi. He introduced himself. Which to this day is ironic because he knew me. His Mom and my Mom worked together. I had even been to his house. However that was before my mini transformation. Apparently now with the contacts I could be acknowledged. 

He also invited me to watch them play football. From that moment on I was marked as his. Except what we both didn’t know he had been marked by someone else. Dating is hard. Insert emoji here. Preferably the most sarcastic one you can find.

The rest of the summer he would watch me during my swim lessons. I really wanted to be a lifeguard. I would watch him play various sports. He would always walk me home.

It was really pretty innocent. Until it wasn’t. Which was not his fault. It just wasn’t. But there is always that one guy who gives someone shit because honestly they are broken. So they want everyone else to know what it feels like to be broken so they break things. 

Like my heart.

Jack’s buddy also lived in our neighborhood. He had an older brother who was extremely handsome and kind. Everything he was not and made sure to try and make everyone around him feel how miserable he was being his brother.  He also was short but he did not have shy brown eyes Jack had or the quite voice. He didn’t look down when he talked to me. His long eyelashes almost touching his freckles. Instead he walked me home with Jack questioning why we hadn’t kissed yet. He encouraged Jack to chew tobacco and commented on the size of other girls breasts in relation to mine. He tried to grab me and once succeeded in grabbing me between the legs one afternoon while we were all swimming in the pool. I never said anything to Jack. I just ran out of the pool mumbling I didn’t feel good. The toad telling Jack I must be on the rag. When we were alone Jack always apologized for the toad, but it always felt too late.

One walk home the toad dared Jack to kiss me. I asked him not to. I mumbled you have been chewing tobacco. Really I didn’t want my first kiss with Jack to be in front of the toad. Yet here we were. I heard Jack stop and spit something out. Then he was standing in front of me. The toad next to him. He kissed me. It should have been great. Instead it was horrible. Not because of anything other than the toad ogling us. Truly. Me being me I yelled out “Jack!” “Gross!” 

The toad started laughing hysterically. I ran home. Jack just stood looking at me.

He ignored me for a long time. When I saw him a few weeks later he was with a girl who lived down the street. I was not allowed to talk to her. My Mom would never say why. I’m going to guess it was because her house was a rotating door of men and parties. Her Mom wore way too much of everything. She was actually a year younger than me but was much older than me in regards to everything else. Which even now makes me sad as I type this.

She promised the toad if he set her up with Jack she would set the toad up with her friend. The toad goading us while we kissed hurt Jack. Also, when I wasn’t around he would tell Jack girls like me think they are too good for guys like them. They just end up in the nunnery. Here is the thing I was too good for the toad. Jack was a different story.

Jack started talking to me again. When the girl would show up he would clam up. But when she wasn’t around it was us again. He told me he didn’t really like her but the toad made him feel bad and let’s be honest I was too sweet and too kind for him.

The girl found out and waited for me after swim lessons one afternoon. She and her girl version of the toad started yelling at me. I was stealing her boyfriend. They called me words I honestly had never heard before. Words which I couldn’t be since Jack was only the second boy I had ever kissed. 

For once I ran. That didn’t stop it. I got home as my Mom was leaving for work. Which meant I was to stay in the house and watch my brother. 

I was distraught and let him play outside as long as he promised to go get my best friend so I could sort this out. 

In the meantime the phone rang. In the old days phones hung on the wall. Weird I know.

It was her – the toad had given her my number. She continued her screeching. I couldn’t speak and for some reason did not hang up. I just listened and cried.

This is what Jack wanted?

Hearbreak number three…

I finally hung up shook out of my daze by a knock at the door.

“Sean so help me…” I muttered as I went to the door. I opened it and it there was my brother. Standing behind him was a Corey Haim look alike. Friends that is a good thing in my time.

“Hi my name is Jason. We just moved here. Your brother thought I should meet you.”

With a six year age difference it was rare I tolerated my little brother but at that moment I loved him.

 

~Caprise
Single Mom of the amazing Dbl G
Teacher
Sometime DJ
T-shirt collector
Henry Rollins Middle Aged Punk Prom Date

A Generous Heart Will Never Go Part Way

I have been studying Prosperity Principles since I was 12 years old and given the time of year I thought a quick lesson on generosity was in order.  Yesterday I was telling you that St. John of the Cross says that “a generous heart will never go part way”.  So today I thought we would continue to talk about what true generosity is…understanding generosity as a principle will help you realize that it isn’t just about buying things, it is about so much more than that…

When you practice generosity you understand that there is an endless supply of everything that is required and that if you give some of ‘yours’ away it will be given back to you.  No lack was ever created by giving, poverty never stems from generosity. Anne Frank said, “No one has ever become poor by giving.”

Poverty and lack are stimulated by a belief that there is a limited supply and this belief helps people to be selfish and hold on to what is ‘theirs’.  GOD bestowed upon us an unending supply of substance which is manifested by the spirit of generosity.

What if everything you ‘had’ wasn’t really yours anyway, what if God gave it to you so that you could be generous with it and when you did that He would give you more?  If you understood that as a truth how much would it change the way you act in your daily life?  If someone asked you for a ride or for five dollars and you knew that if you gave it to them then God would see it multiplied back to you… would you then be more willing to give it?

Practicing generosity requires us to understand that we have been blessed with ABUNDANT supply, available to us by simply asking the Divine to send it and then having certainty that it will come.

Nobody ever became poor from giving; people have become poor by living in fear that there is a limited supply of money, work, good etc.  When our willingness to give dries up from fear then we actually BLOCK our Divine Supply from being able to reach us.  Generosity and the practice of it help to keep the Divine pipeline moving in a positive direction.  Be generous today with whatever you have to give…time, attention, money, actions…A generous heart is a happy heart. See you tomorrow…xoxoxo