“Not of this world”…I’ve known these four words for a long time. Thought it. Read it. Lived it. Every day, still, I work on reminding myself that I am Not Of this World. Being the God-girl that I am, you’d think I wouldn’t have to remind myself… but I do. I am IN the world but not OF it. This World we live in….it’s a powerful place. God’s power is ever present and much, much more powerful… BUT if my eyes are not on Him and my eyes are here, looking around me, comparing, challenging, competing. I’m sucked in. I’m doomed. There is power and money and fame and popularity and attention and affection EVERYWYERE. I can have those things, but at what cost?
In my younger years when I thought the World was the place to find all of these things, I charged forward, I had it all figured out, all lined up. I was successful. I climbed the corporate ladder-stepping on who was in my way, I dated the handsomest of men-spitting them out if they didn’t please me, I hung out with beautiful girlfriends-controlling where we went and what we did. I judged, I ruled, I competed, I was soooo popular. BUT I was sad and lonely and alone. I created my life to satisfy me and yet….oh and I was satisfied – or so I thought….but the satisfaction never lasted so there I was again…going at it. The cost? My soul. I did whatever I had to do to be liked and accepted and important. And I was empty.
Now my life is of substance. I have friendships and money and things. BUT it’s all from God and for God. Money, blessings, miracles, love…all of it. HIS. I am here to be a steward. I am a beacon of His love and light. I am here to shout it from the rooftops that I am Not Of This World. I am of His World. You’ll know it by my words, my actions, my compassion AND by my tattoo.
Your God Girl,
I Will Take It Minute by Minute…
A little history before you read this post. I wrote this shortly after my husband and I separated. We had a long and turbulent marriage. I was married for 12 years and we have 3 beautiful children. During those years I dealt with some physical abuse from my husband…infidelity on my husband’s part…drugs and drinking on my husband’s part…emotional abuse from my husband…the list goes on. That is not to say I was perfect but Lord how I tried to make it work. It has been over a year now and I am happy to say that I am at a much better place!
The sadness I felt and often still feel is overwhelming. There is no other way to describe it.Some days takes everything I have to put one foot in front of the other. It takes every ounce of energy to get up…to get dressed…to eat…to be a mom…to care. I am not sure many people truly understand. After being married for so long…even though my children are with me…it is a very lonely feeling. Even though we had so many bad times, there were also good times. I just kept hoping the good times would win out. There are still just some days I feel like I am drowning with no way out.
Minute by Minute…
It is so hard to look at social media because my life is certainly not what I pictured it to be right now. My husband and I attended church together and I feel like I have been alienated by the church and community. I am in survival mode.
How can I do it all?
Only God knows how.
I am not going to make it without Him. I find myself turning to Him so much. God and my babies. Some days I am not sure how I get through them. I am not the person I want to be. I feel like I have never been good enough for my husband or his family. I feel abandoned by everyone. Am I that bad of a person that I don’t deserve something good? If it wasn’t for my children I don’t think I would even care. The hurt is just a lot. Lord help me climb out of whatever I am in.
There are so many questions about my future and my children’s future. So much uncertainty. So much fear of the future. I am so sad…so hurt. Still so hurt. Even though I made this decision (which I believe in my heart to be the right decision) it doesn’t make it any easier. Do I just feel too much? Can we fast forward to the easier part? Please oh please? Did I mean nothing to my husband? Does he not hurt? Does he not care? Did he ever care? He has hurt me so many times. What do I do? I pray…I get up every day and do it all again.
Minute by Minute…
I worry how this affects my kids. Will they be okay? I want something. I want someone to love me. To actually care about me. I want someone who wants to protect me instead of hurt me. Is that too much to ask for? Where will I be in a year? Where will I live? Will my kids understand why I did what I did? Will they blame me then like I feel they do now?
My reality is certainly not as bad as some…but it is my reality. Doesn’t make it any easier. Things could always be worse.
So here I am living on my faith…doing the best I can (trying) and waiting for the day things will get better. They will get better. Surviving the hard times is the hard part! Praying I can make it until then. Praying I will be worthy one day. Worthy as a Christian, as a mom, as a partner for someone who will be worthy of me!
Day by day is too much.
I will be taking it minute by minute.