Tag Archives: friendships

Tug Of War With Friends During Divorce

You have lived the last 10 or so years with the same group of friends.. you have spent numerous girls weekends, movie nights, and couple vacations together.. and then divorce hits and it seems like it all vanishes.. the people you thought would be your support have vanished…  The ones you spent sharing your last 10 years with are gone. 

No one can prepare themselves for the process of divorce. As much as you want to prepare, you can not until you are going through it.  And when it’s time to tell your friends about your divorce, you hope they will continue to stick with you. In many cases, they may not.  They may not understand your decision or it may break up the couple dates..or adult vacations…or cabin weekends. They might leave you when you probably needed them the most.  And sometimes it could be for the most selfish reasons. 

Maybe they had questions and you just couldn’t answer them. Maybe they feel hurt because you didn’t prepare them for your divorce. Maybe they continued to ask you to do girls night, but you didn’t feel comfortable attending anymore…

My neighbor unfriended me due to my divorce because I was moving out of the neighborhood and I wasn’t going to live next to her anymore.  That’s the honest truth. And those are the friends that you just let go…. The ones that do can not show you any support and they put their own selfishness ahead of your decisions.  

You may ask yourself over and over again what happened…How can this decision about your life make your friends disappear… the truth is many times your friends do not know what to do to help you or make it better for you.  They might not know how to support you. Other times, they might not agree with your decision and as much as you want them too, they just can’t. They do not understand what you are going through in your life. They have a hard time relating to what you are experiencing.  Or they might not want this to disrupt their life…. They want the friendship to remain the same. As the friend, you might need to forgive many times during their divorce process due to the amount of stress or emotion that they are experiencing.   

And the other side is.. your friends may feel hurt because you couldn’t talk to them about your divorce. Or they do not know how to talk to you anymore. They feel that they can not relate. Or they continue to ask you to join them for girls night, but you just couldn’t do it.  

Many times through my divorce,  I did not want to talk about anything relating to my divorce.  As the friend of someone going through a divorce, I would say just be there for them.  They might not even know what they want. Their life is changing and it is a scary process.  You do not need to agree with them, but just listen to them and be a great support for them. They might distance themselves because they are working through a lot of emotions and changes. Give them time and space, if they ask for it.  Just be patient. 

I have made my circle tighter. I gave my time to the friends that stuck with me, when at times I was probably not the most fun to be around The ones that supported me by doing anything, a walk, a drink, a movie, a good cry, or a just a laugh.. the ones that listened to my endless rants.  The ones that just asked if I needed anything and when I said I didn’t’, they still showed up. The ones that I trusted.  

And in the end, there might need to be forgiveness on both sides,  and maybe some friendships will diminish, and maybe new friendships will start to grow…

 

Snarky 

www.snarkydivorcedgal.com/blog

Why Do We Need Our Friends?

Growing up I had my friends.. I did everything with the same people throughout my high school years. Sleepovers, football games, decorating yards with rolls of toilet paper each weekend….  In college it continued.. I was never overly popular, but I had my true friends.  It  has continued through my life…

I now watch my teenage daughter, now almost fifteen now  sit and laugh with her friends.  It is 5 pm on a Friday and its USA theme and the football game… her and her friend are frantically searching around the house for USA apparel and face paint. I just laugh… I love listening to the laughter and shrieking.  The many Friday nights, I am awaken out of a deep sleep by the sound of popcorn popping at 1 am.  They spend hours face-timing each other on their new school clothes and the outfits they are going to wear for the next week.   All of these things I love that she is experiencing….

I did not realize how important my friends were until I was well into my forties.  Its crazy how you meet those people in high school or college or at your kids soccer games and these are the people going to trust with everything in your life.  The friends you can’t get thru a day without.  They understand you more than most people in your life.

These are the friends that show up at 2 pm with a six  pack, just for fun.  (Yes, we live in Wisconsin and we drink beer)

Not until my divorce did I ever ask for help.  My friends never knew when I was suffering or drowning in life.. and then It changed.  I was the friend that held it together for everything.  Then I realized to survive through my divorce, I needed to ask for help.   Through my marriage, I handled everything from parenting to finances to vacations..I handled it all.  The summer of my divorce I was a mess.. I was happy one minute and crying the next.  I remember going to a country concert drinking two gingers and crying thru all of the fun.  One of my not so great moments.. but without those friends I would have not survived.

My friends would drag me out of the house and listen to me talk endlessly about the process of going through a divorce.  All of the nitty gritty details of the financial details, custody, splitting of your favorite memories, or how much you miss your kids.  They would ask me to go for a hike or walk many nights just because they knew I needed it.  I am a pretty independent person, so showing my friends that I needed help was very hard for me.  I know years later that I’m so grateful for them.  To many people am sure I looked like I had it together, but the truth is I needed my friends. I needed them to be my sound board. I needed to them to give me advice and encouragement to get through my divorce.

They push you…. My friends push me to do the things that I think I can not.. maybe it starts in the high school by asking your crush out and then continues later in life..now it’s  pushing you to try dating again age 45. They push you out of you comfort zone and get you to believe in yourself.  They help you text a guy back at age 45 and wait frantically for his response.  I would not have accomplished half the things I have done since my divorce without them.

They comfort you…Most of the time my friends are the first place I turn when I’m feeling lonely from missing my kids, when I’m stressed over fighting with my ex, or when just can’t concentrate on anything. These girls are the ones that can pull me out of my funk.  Having friends that you can trust and confide in has got me through most of my last 5 years.  We all have those nights or days that we just feel like crying.. sometimes it’s for no reason at all.  The moments when you burst into tears and maybe have no idea why… You need those people in your life to get you through it.  The days you wake up and feel like a bloated whale for no reason and you text your friends with crying emojis and they tell you how beautiful and funny you are…

They will be honest with you….The good friends will be straight with you. They will not just agree with your opinions and thoughts, they will tell you when you are being a little crazy…I’m a laid back person and i like to trust many people. I was very inexperienced and naive when I went thru my divorce, I did not have a lot of divorced friends and I thought I could trust my ex and I could be vague in our decree. Fast forward 5 years, my friends now tell me when I’m being to vulnerable with my ex. They tell me when I need to stand up for myself and get it documented. They will remind me of what has happened in the past and how to protect myself.  I need those friends in my life.  They always have my back.   They will also be the ones that see things differently and tell me when to get my head out of my ass.

Why do we need our friends?  We need them to get thru life.. mine have helped me with so many decisions.  The are the ones that push us when we need it.  It takes me a long time to get comfortable with people, so I cherish the friends that I can be myself with and tell them everything… these are the friends that we need.  These are the ones I love…

 

Snarky

www.snarkydivorcedgal.com/blog

Get Out There

Get Out There!

There’s no doubt that my  group of early childhood friends is pretty awesome. It was an instant friendship that formed at the age of four, and has continued since then.

They are the people I’ve counted on, and they are the people that I hope will always have my back. With all of that said, my friends and I do have some differences. Throughout the years, we’ve developed our separate hobbies and discovered some subtle differences. Fortunately, this has not affected our relationship. However, we do  sometimes find it difficult to understand what the other person is going through.

This group has always been like my safe space, and once we started at a new school we felt like it was time to expand beyond our comfort zones. We all encouraged each other to go out and meet new people. With this advice in mind, we went and put ourselves out there in search of new adventures.

Personally, I was not expecting much to come from our exploration. To my surprise, I met an incredible group of people and we “clicked” instantly. I never thought that I would meet a whole new group of people with similar beliefs, interests, and personalities.

These friends, that I’ve made in the recent weeks, have been nothing short of wonderful. They’ve taught me to look on the positive side of life, and to find the beauty in every single person. If my close friends and I hadn’t put ourselves out there, I would not have met this incredible group of kids.

We all have to get out there and see what the world has to offer.  It might be amazing friendships, a great job, or even life-changing experiences.

Get out there and see what the world has waiting for you!

– Dani <3

Making Friends…You Had Me at Mah.

Making friends is hard. Keeping friends can be even harder. I didn’t put much though into it, or my own struggles, until the last few weeks. My daughter starts middle school next year. While she has had some tried and true friends, I don’t always hear her refer to them as best friends. She has had one bestie since her kindergarten days, and her parents are fantastic. Shout out to you guys – you know who you are and I’m so thankful for you. So thankful. Last month at Gabrielle’s orchestra concert I witnessed a monumental event in my daughter’s life.

Out of a crowd of jubilant juveniles, a young lady (who looked to be taller than my half-pint 5’2” build), walked straight up to my daughter. They stood facetoface in the gymnasium. Without any hesitation, this fellow odd duckling simply said, “mah”. Gabrielle replied with the same “mah”. The warmth from their hug melted away my angst over G having her own tribe. Not only does G have her own tribe, but the tween-Queens like each other too.

There is something truly empowering about having your own tribe. The enabling freedom you get from having a random person get your situation, because they have lived through similar experiences.

Many moons ago I had a solid tribe. Memories of our elicit adventures still bring giggles and a smirk of days long past. We were not a quiet tribe. We were wild. Not wild in the way that you can’t share with some people. But, CERTAIN people don’t need to know all the details.

That, and I signed a form. Kinda. A marriage license. My ex-husband didn’t like anything about my tribe. He let me know it. His friends let me know it. His family let me know it. One the most asshole things you can do is ditch your friends for a man. No matter how nice he seems. But I ditched my tribe.

But after a drug dealing boyfriend with warrants out for his arrest, I thought I would be happier with a nerdy husband than with my tribe. Nope.

After my divorce, I found that my tribe had changed in my absence. This is a 100% on me.

You can only keep asking to spend time with someone so many times, and after a while; my friends gave up. I was ashamed. I had conflicted feelings about who I had become. I don’t regret much, but I regret leaving my tribe.

After my divorce, someone would always spend the weekend at my apartment with me. I was never alone. These are people who saw me at my most awkward, most crazy, and at the most broken point in my life. They are MY tribe. Rather than walk away, they held my hand. Tight. They still do.

Through every broken heart, bad haircut, and job change: I can call them at any time and they show up. They encourage my hobbies (even though they may change on a dime). They clapped when I went blonde. They were lovingly bossy when I kept canceling on first dates (that means they made me go). They texted me when people I love were no longer in my life. They bought me a stiff drink when my job got eliminated, and they admire each new tattoo I get.

We can go months without talking. Thanks to social media, we are never out of touch for too long. It does my heart good to know I have these people who tell me about sales on leggings, encourage me to go see music, eat the tacos, and buy more shoes.

I’m still working on building a bridge back to my tribe. It will take work, and I’m hopeful that we can re-connect as a new tribe. Some of my tribe members I’ve know my whole life: I love you Chicken!

There are new members who knew me from college and even junior high that have come back into my life. Some I’ve only known a few years: Hey Birthday bestie!

It makes me smile to know that Gabrielle has her own tribe. Maybe someday her tribe will call a bar late at night and order wings, send her music, or share lip gloss. Who knows if that will happen. But what I do know is that they will love her for just being herand that isn’t anything to say “mah” about.

~Caprise~