Tag Archives: friend

Keep Your Word

Do you have a friend who breaks their word with you?   A friend who cancels at the last minute? One that says yes but then changes their mind because something else came along?  One that can’t commit to your requests to get together?

How does that make you feel?  Stop and think here.  Seriously think… how do you feel?  In your heart.  This is not the place to say “The heck with her, I don’t care anyway.”  Let the feeling sink in and put words to it.

Hurt,  Unworthy,  Uninvited

Ashamed,  Mad,  Sad,  Alone

Do you trust them?  Can you count on them?  Is there a sense of ‘she really cares about me’?   No?  

Okay, now turn that perspective to YOU.  Every time you break your word with YOU.  Every time you change your mind on a yes that you gave to YOU.  Each time you decide to NOT do something for YOU because ‘something better came along’.

You are selling out on you.  You are giving up on you.  And you don’t matter to you.  Over time this kind of behavior creates a subconscious opinion of The Self.  A “less-than” opinion of The Self. You may justify why you change your mind or why the one thing you said was the most important thing is now not happening…. but deep down, you have given up on you.  Then you feel bad, get mad at yourself, cry or moan or eat…whatever it is… you very well might punish yourself.  

This is a cycle that will lead you down a road you do not want to go down!  

If you act like you do not matter, then why would anyone treat you any differently?

It’s time to change how YOU treat YOU!  You Matter.  You are Worth it.  You are Important.

Say yes to YOU.

 

xoxo,

Your God girl,

Tracy

The Five Friends That You Need

The five friends that you need….Over the years, my circle of friends has really gotten smaller.  I have a lot of acquaintances, but the number of true friends is really small.  These are the friends that I trust and really give my time too.    

I was thinking the other day about the different types of friends that I have…and how they all come together in my life.  How each one of them offers a different purpose in my circle…and each one I truly need.  

The “listener” – The one  friend that is always there no matter what,  she will just sit and listen to you babble on and on…  She will let you text you all your daily problems every day and just continues to listen.  She will go on long walks with you and just let you ramble on about your life.  She might ask questions and get you to think, but listening is her main purpose.  Sometimes she does not even give advice or offer suggestions, she can just listen.  And in the end, I usually figure out the solution to my own problems because she just listened.  She is the soundboard for everything.  

The “honest” friend- This is the one that tells you exactly how it is… She will tell me to “be nice” and do not go “crazy”.  She is the one friend that will put me in my place when I need it.  She will tell me over and over again to be nice, if she feels I am out of line.  This friend also will remind me of your past mistakes so you do not make them again… She reminds you of the not so good boyfriends, so you do not make that same mistake twice.  When I have a lapse in judgement, she will remind me of what happened the last time.  She is not afraid to call me out on my own bullshit or my “pity party”.  She can read through the lies that I tell myself and get me to be true to myself.  She will tell me if someone is not treating me well or if I am not treating someone else well.  

The “yes” friend–  This is the one friend that always says “yes”, she is always up for whatever you have in mind… Sometimes if I really want to do something, she is the person I will go to because I know she will say “yes”.  Now at times, this can get me into trouble because some of my ideas may not be the smartest, but I know she will say “yes”.  She will also be up for going out or staying in, she will just go along with whatever you have in mind.   The honest friend may not like her at times, because I know she will say “yes” to anything of my ideas. The ‘Yes” friend will tell you, go ahead and send that text… go ahead and go on that date…go ahead and buy that new dress.  I like the “yes” friend.  

The “cheerleader” – The friend that reminds you to look at the positive things in life.  She constantly reminds you to be patient and sends you daily positive quotes.  She is the friend that can always find something good in every situation.  She reminds me to be patient, not rush, and that good things will happen.  She reminds me that when something  bad or challenging happens that something good might come out of it.  At times, I find that completely annoying and can not believe in her positivity.  She reminds you that tomorrow is another day, she will cheer you on in any of your goals in life…

You want to lose 10 lbs, she will be there to cheer you on.  

She reminds you “ whats not to love” when you are down on yourself.  You wake up every day to a “good morning” text from her and when you answer “ whats good about it” she will send you a positive affirmation”.  She is your biggest cheerleader and she is the “snow white’ of the group…

The “Ann Landers” – This is the friend that gives you advice.  She will you advice on anything, life, parenting, dating, cooking, household items, etc.  She seems to know everything and gives you advice on anything.  You know you just go to her when you need advice and you believe whatever she says.  I have no idea where she learned all her knowledge, but she knows everything.  And she can back it up with statistics, data, and personal stories.  None of it maybe true, but you would never question it.  She just has this way, that you never question what she says…and you do it.  

All of those friends come together in my life.  They all add so much and I need them…without question. 

-snarky

 

www.snarkydivorcedgal.com

I Think I Was Six

I think I was six…

It is one of the hottest days of the year here. I am watching my daughter walk back and forth from her room to the hallway with a big smile on her face, her headphones on – she says it helps her get her ideas out. She like, her Mom, writes, although she is much better.

I am listening to music as I always do when I write.

Today Taylor Swift. Specifically her new album.

Specifically the song Seven. I am sure there are all sorts of theories as to what it’s about. Somehow unlike the rest of the album I missed it.

For me it reminds me of the very first person I ever loved. The very first person who ever loved me. My very first friend. My very first best friend.

The lyrics “ And though I can’t recall your face. I still got love for you.”

I have mentioned him before.

And I am sure all these decades later, the story is a lot more magical than it really was, but he left his imprint.

His name was Reed.

I met him in the oddest way. I was walking home by myself from school. I think I was six? Behind me, two older girls called me names like they did everyday.

Everyday they would call me names until they got me to cry, then run ahead home.

One day I hear a voice yell out telling them to stop.

I remember he had a lisp.

Blue eyes.

I have blue eyes too, but his, maybe I remember them because of what he did- so bright.

Surprisingly they stopped.

He walked me home and I was happy to find out he lived a house away.

That whole summer it was him and I.

He taught me to play baseball.

Soccer.

Get better at riding my bike.

I’m pretty sure he’s why I have a sweet tooth, because whenever he had candy I got half.

Then one day he’s at my door telling me he and his Mom are moving, his parents are getting divorced.

He handed me a bag of candy. As he started running for his house he yelled he loved me and I was his best friend.

I was crushed.

My best friend.

My first best friend.

Gone.

It is a magical thing to have.

A friendship like that.

It was unflinching.

Now I recognize we were kids.

But friendships, relationships like that are rare. They are precious. The people who see you. The people who love you out loud. The people who yell with excitement when they see you, make sure you know you matter.

In the years, ok, let’s be honest decades since I have been married and divorced and become a Mom.

A LOT has happened.

Things I talk about.

Things I don’t.

There was a chunk of time I was pretty salty when it came to people. I bought into my own self doubt. I let a few bad apples cloud my judgment and I listened to the wrong people.

Becoming a Mom helped slowly turn that around, but also looking and focusing on all the good people I have in my life.

Who I have had in my life.

You can’t Iive your life waiting for someone to hurt you. You can’t not let someone in because of a what if.

Nothing is ever going to be perfect, but it can be pretty great.

I can’t say enough how much I appreciate Reed for one of my first/ best friendships.

Be safe and much love Mommas

<3 Caprise

A Little Help From My Friends

A little help from my friends.

Captain’s log it is day ninety of this can’t do much business.

Wait… that’s not how I start these blogs for you.

This week’s background music is Foo Fighters and covers of various Foo Fighters songs. Right now the Color Morale is doing a very punk version of Everlong.

My ears are happy. The magic elixir is working.

Last night I hit my ceiling and crawled right into my head. I am a person who lives by timelines, even though I’m pretty laid back I like deadlines. This upside down world has ravaged that.

I had some pretty big dreams for this summer and they aren’t happening. 

I am over seeing my face on a computer screen. 

All that aside, I did something I don’t do obviously enough of. I reached out. I am part of an online Moms group. The two big things we have in common, we are Moms and we all have  a seriously wicked sense of humor. 

That’s it. We are otherwise all incredibly different. I posted this morning- how I was feeling. I was raw. I was true. My heart very much on my sleeve.

Within minutes messages , than another, than another. Each one with words of encouragement. Support. Humor. 

So… emboldened by that. I posted on another group this time not to talk about the fact I was feeling like Eeyore but to talk about my favorite group. The distraction of conversation about how we all collectively were bummed their tour got canceled but excited about possible new music – was what I needed.

Feeling really brave, I group chatted a few women I have gotten to know through common interests. Again, we are all remarkably different but they have lived lives and the words, what I needed. 

I found a quote that I am holding onto tightly during this: “a diamond is chunk of a coal that did well under pressure.” When I shared this with one of my oldest friends she said her husband says “some days are diamonds, some days are coal.” Then she told me there is no shame in being a coal miner some days.

We have a tendency as women to say we are ok when we aren’t. To apologize when we’re sad and think that’s somehow a mark of weakness.

I’m not sure where we learned those lessons but they’re wrong.

When people care about you, they want to be there for you.

Let them.

You take care of everyone else  Mommas.

Let people take care of you.

Be safe

Much love

<3 Caprise

Alone Does Not Equate To Lonely

Alone: adjective; having no one else present, exclusive of anyone or anything

Lonely: adjective; being without company, cut off from others, being solitary of mind

The difference between being alone & being lonely is:

    Alone describes your physical space. 

I live alone in my house. 

I did my grocery shopping alone today.

   Lonely describes your mental space.  

I am lonely sitting on this bench.

I felt lonely at that party last night.

You can easily be alone, be at home all by yourself, separated from others and feel alive, connected and in relationship with the people in your life.   You can be content with your ‘alone time’, finding things  you enjoy doing, when you are by yourself. Cooking, baking, crafting, reading.  You can be alone yet on the phone with a friend, FaceTime a family member or have a Zoom Meeting with your Book Club. 

Just as much as you can be in a crowded room full of people to connect with, conversations to be had, people to say hello to and feel very lonely.  You can be in a Study Hall full of classmates, a conference room stock piled with other colleagues or at the park with your kids and a handful of other moms and again, feel lonely.  

Lonely is an inside job.  Alone is an outside job.  

When you’re alone, you can very easily change the situation by changing your location.  You can go to the mall, library, church meeting Mom’s Group.  You can ask friends over for dinner or go to the movies with a few people.

When you’re lonely though, that is an internal battle to be won.  What causes your loneliness?  Is it the missing of your mate, the envy of your playful neighbors, the wanting of something different?  I am sure whatever it is, if you can identify it, and ….claim it, ….name it, ….look at it square in the eyes. You can find a solution.  It might be uncomfortable.  It might stretch you outside your comfort zone.  It might require something of yourself that you haven’t done in a long time. But I know like I know.  You CAN find a solution.  

Good luck my friend.  Lonely is not your middle name.

xoxo

Your God girl

Tracy

Making Friends Mid-Life

I just moved to Fort Wayne 7 months ago and I have so many wonderful friends today!  

I have so many new friends in my life because I said yes.  I said hello. I started a conversation. I smiled. I went to the meeting.  I joined the Study. I accepted the invitation. I went alone. I walked through the door.  You see…. I had decided before I moved here that I was going to make this a life worth living, I was going to meet women and I was going to enjoy my new home in this new place.  

If you want to be a part of a larger circle of girlfriends, it will take you getting out of your fragile way, it will take you being bold and stepping out and it will take you creating something different.  You will have to risk, you will have to research things happening near you and go alone, you will have to be in the mindset of positivity and possibility and love.

So, you say hi first.  And maybe that’s all it is…. is a hello.  This time. And maybe nothing comes from it.  It goes no further than that. But, MAYBE, just maybe… a compliment about her cute sweater creates a coffee date.  Maybe volunteering at the animal shelter turns into a friendship with someone you may never ever have met otherwise.  Maybe going to a yoga class alone and chatting afterwards you end meeting your new bestie and especially when you open your mind to the fact that you and the woman across the street can’t wait to meet each other… you end up creating a friendship only the heart can explain.

So to create a larger circle of friends… yes…. it requires you to go places and do things and kindly say hello.  You never know what could come next. It’s never ever too late in life to make new friends.

xoxo,

Your God girl 

Tracy

Friendship In The Time Of Chaos

Friendship In The Time Of Chaos..

Anyone else feel like the world is on fire?

Holy…

Where do you start, and when does this end?

I am going to say what you already know and have probably heard a million times.

Reach out to your friends. Often. Call them. Email them. For the first time ever social media can be used for good.

I have actually talked on the phone to friends I normally text. We are sharing music, recipes, our fears.

That last one. Now is not the time to hide. If ever there was a time to show up this is it.

People are showing their true colors. Some are becoming the marker in the Art bin everyone fights over. Some are becoming the crayon no one wants.

Don’t be the crayon.

My list of worries like almost everyone is long.

It has felt very reassuring to know I am not alone. To talk it out or not. To talk about something absolutely ridiculous and have a good belly laugh instead of a long cry. I have plenty of those and know more are coming.

I am by no means telling you to text that ex or forgive a hurt. But the people who mean something to you. Now is the time and goodness knows we have time. Tell them. If possible show them.

I still am not a social media cheerleader and I would fly a caution flag there too.

When people have too much time on their hands they think hard. Overthink… so if you think it might maybe just bug them in normal times I’d say in these times … it will be even more so.

I know it is for me.

On the flip side it is keeping us all connected. Take advantage of it. Use it for good!

But that is not the point.

The point is this. You can come out of this better, the person who lost an opportunity, or was a jackass.

Or in much more eloquent terms thanks to Teddy Roosevelt:

“Do what you can with what you have, where you are.”

Things are weird. Try to keep your chin up. Wash your hands, be kind. This is your moment. You can either rise up or fall back.

Sending you love and reminding you to wash your hands.

<3 Caprise

Let Your Single Friends Be Single

Let your single friends be single…

I was out with some friends a few weeks ago, just having a fun night with my friends for a birthday celebration, and then it starts…the classic “I need to find you a boyfriend”…

I am a smart confident woman, with a career, friends, a great family and 3 amazing kids.  What makes you think that a boyfriend or relationship is my top priority???

 

#1- When I say I am not looking for a relationship I mean it…

I love my friends! I spent 13 years in a marriage that kept me from being myself. I am loving the last couple years of learning about what I want in life. I am loving learning to do things alone. I am loving finding out what I want in a relationship.  I need to figure out all those things before I can get into a serious relationship.

When I say I am not looking for a relationship, it’s like they can not hear me.  But why do they think they can find the man of my dreams and I can’t… I feel I have a pretty good judge of character, so I’m guessing I could probably find one on my own.

 

#2-Always being auctioned off…

Do you know how annoying it is that when you go to drinks with your friends they try and raffle you off…like it’s a meat raffle.  Or they pick out guys that they think are single at the bar and try and get their attention for you. Or they ask the servers or bartenders if they are single…

Maybe your single friends just want to go out with their friends and catch up. They don’t always want to be singled out as the “single” friend. It might not even be a top priority for them.  And I get so nervous when I feel singled out. I am not the type of person that likes to be the center of attention, so I usually never even talk to the person.

Right now,  I really do not want to be set up with my friends co-worker, brother, neighbor, or the dad on the soccer team…

But why do friends think they can find the man of my dreams and I can’t… I’m guessing I could probably find one on my own.  But they are all determined to find me the “one”. The one.. the ultimate dream guy for me.

 

#3-Listen to your single friends…

I know it’s hard for my friends to understand that maybe I am not hunting down the “one”.  That maybe when I say I am not ready to get into a relationship I am actually telling the truth.

Maybe it’s a good idea to ask your friends why they are single?  Maybe it’s many reasons.. maybe they are concentrating on other things in their life right now, maybe they had a hard break up in the past, maybe they don’t want to get hurt… there are many things that make people not focus on not getting into a relationship.

Relationships and dating are hard.  They take a lot of work and are a huge time commitment.  I follow many different single women websites, and there are many women out there that have just given up on dating.  They have had bad experiences with online dating and just don’t want to waste time anymore.

My 94 year old grandma told me on Christmas that I better start dating because I don’t have much time left.. I laughed and said “ ohh grandma I’m not even going to think about dating until I’m 60”.

I am so content in my lifestyle now, but at times I go back and forth with dating. There are times when I do feel really alone from not being in a relationship.  I worry at times about not being alone once my kids are grown.  It is a very scary feeling to think about years from now.  I go through periods of time when I think I should get into a relationship.  I do date occasionally, but it’s mostly just for companionship.

I received the best advice a couple weeks ago from someone.. I was venting about not wanting to be in a relationship and why am I so different than my other friends that are in relationships. I kept saying, “what’s wrong with me..I was mentioning how it is just not a priority for me, but at times I feel like I should be dating”.

She said, you just need to do what you want and not worry about what you “think” you should be doing…Sometimes an almost stranger can say something to you that just clicks.

So if you have that friend that is constantly pushing a relationship on you or trying to set you up with their kids soccer coach, somehow get them to listen to you.

Maybe you just say listen here

“Joanne from Nebraska … I don’t want you to find me a man.. I’m happy with my life… are you listening to me”….

Be honest with your friends and tell them what you want right now. Tell them what you are excited about in your life, tell them it’s not the right time, or just tell them to just listen to you…

-Snarky

https://www.snarkydivorcedgirl.com/

Why Do We Need Our Friends?

Growing up I had my friends.. I did everything with the same people throughout my high school years. Sleepovers, football games, decorating yards with rolls of toilet paper each weekend….  In college it continued.. I was never overly popular, but I had my true friends.  It  has continued through my life…

I now watch my teenage daughter, now almost fifteen now  sit and laugh with her friends.  It is 5 pm on a Friday and its USA theme and the football game… her and her friend are frantically searching around the house for USA apparel and face paint. I just laugh… I love listening to the laughter and shrieking.  The many Friday nights, I am awaken out of a deep sleep by the sound of popcorn popping at 1 am.  They spend hours face-timing each other on their new school clothes and the outfits they are going to wear for the next week.   All of these things I love that she is experiencing….

I did not realize how important my friends were until I was well into my forties.  Its crazy how you meet those people in high school or college or at your kids soccer games and these are the people going to trust with everything in your life.  The friends you can’t get thru a day without.  They understand you more than most people in your life.

These are the friends that show up at 2 pm with a six  pack, just for fun.  (Yes, we live in Wisconsin and we drink beer)

Not until my divorce did I ever ask for help.  My friends never knew when I was suffering or drowning in life.. and then It changed.  I was the friend that held it together for everything.  Then I realized to survive through my divorce, I needed to ask for help.   Through my marriage, I handled everything from parenting to finances to vacations..I handled it all.  The summer of my divorce I was a mess.. I was happy one minute and crying the next.  I remember going to a country concert drinking two gingers and crying thru all of the fun.  One of my not so great moments.. but without those friends I would have not survived.

My friends would drag me out of the house and listen to me talk endlessly about the process of going through a divorce.  All of the nitty gritty details of the financial details, custody, splitting of your favorite memories, or how much you miss your kids.  They would ask me to go for a hike or walk many nights just because they knew I needed it.  I am a pretty independent person, so showing my friends that I needed help was very hard for me.  I know years later that I’m so grateful for them.  To many people am sure I looked like I had it together, but the truth is I needed my friends. I needed them to be my sound board. I needed to them to give me advice and encouragement to get through my divorce.

They push you…. My friends push me to do the things that I think I can not.. maybe it starts in the high school by asking your crush out and then continues later in life..now it’s  pushing you to try dating again age 45. They push you out of you comfort zone and get you to believe in yourself.  They help you text a guy back at age 45 and wait frantically for his response.  I would not have accomplished half the things I have done since my divorce without them.

They comfort you…Most of the time my friends are the first place I turn when I’m feeling lonely from missing my kids, when I’m stressed over fighting with my ex, or when just can’t concentrate on anything. These girls are the ones that can pull me out of my funk.  Having friends that you can trust and confide in has got me through most of my last 5 years.  We all have those nights or days that we just feel like crying.. sometimes it’s for no reason at all.  The moments when you burst into tears and maybe have no idea why… You need those people in your life to get you through it.  The days you wake up and feel like a bloated whale for no reason and you text your friends with crying emojis and they tell you how beautiful and funny you are…

They will be honest with you….The good friends will be straight with you. They will not just agree with your opinions and thoughts, they will tell you when you are being a little crazy…I’m a laid back person and i like to trust many people. I was very inexperienced and naive when I went thru my divorce, I did not have a lot of divorced friends and I thought I could trust my ex and I could be vague in our decree. Fast forward 5 years, my friends now tell me when I’m being to vulnerable with my ex. They tell me when I need to stand up for myself and get it documented. They will remind me of what has happened in the past and how to protect myself.  I need those friends in my life.  They always have my back.   They will also be the ones that see things differently and tell me when to get my head out of my ass.

Why do we need our friends?  We need them to get thru life.. mine have helped me with so many decisions.  The are the ones that push us when we need it.  It takes me a long time to get comfortable with people, so I cherish the friends that I can be myself with and tell them everything… these are the friends that we need.  These are the ones I love…

 

Snarky

www.snarkydivorcedgal.com/blog

Girlfriend Journey

The girlfriend journey …

Being a young girl looking for a place to belong outside the home can be daunting & scary and yet also exciting & fun.  To find girlfriends who are of the same mold as you, girls who have inspirations and dreams and like laughing from their bellies.  Girlfriends who like boys and tree forts and Barbie dolls.  The ones in the mix of it all who love you big, who you trust enough that you take off your mask and who don’t giggle when you talk about the things that lie deep in your heart.

It’s that way when you’re a little girl and it’s that way when you’re a grown woman.  To find a true girlfriend is a journey in and of itself.  It starts with who you are in the world though.  If you want girlfriends who are happy and outgoing and positive, you must first be that kind of person.

Imagine meeting a woman and you’re not quite sure if you want to reveal yourself, if you want to be real and authentic, so you hold back….she will feel that from you.  And if she’s out looking for a happy, outgoing, positive friend to make, she just might pass you by because of your hesitance.

Trust your heart.  Know that women want to know you!  Believe that you have value to add to a relationship and that girlfriends are right around the corner in your life.  It is up to you to recognize your own insecurities, rise above them and shine your light.  Regardless of how scary it might be.  Only through your own vulnerability will another woman be vulnerable with you.

Smile big and share yourself.    Listen with interest and speak with love.  And before you know it, you’ll have girlfriends who share your interests, enjoy your presence, and laugh from the belly with you.

-Tracy