Tag Archives: forgive

A Little Love

There are three quotes I’d like to share with you that I have been thinking about today:

“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle. Love is a war. Love is a growing up.”-James Baldwin

“Love is an ENDLESS act of forgiveness.”-Peter Ustinov

“All things that exist in truth exist forever.”-Marianne Williamson

Most people don’t understand that in all their relationships they are the decisive element. We decide whether or not to be offended, to be loving, to be kind, to be vindictive, to be generous, to be forgiving…other people do what they do and we decide how to react to that. The mainstream seems to teach us that love feels good and that it makes you sappy and happy all the time and if you are unhappy then you must be in a bad situation be it romantic or otherwise…and so we have created a culture of folks that walk away from jobs and friends and relationships when they stop feeling “happy”…

What if real love was REAL WORK? What if loving your job, your kids, your friends, your relationships, your house, your pets, your country, your neighbors meant working to recreate that happy, sappy feeling day after day? If we thought or understood that loving is really an endless act of forgiving and giving then wouldn’t we change the way we think about it? Consider that the real purpose of us all being here together is for soul growth and not for personal gratification or indulgence of the senses…consider that perhaps it is your job to use your relationships with people to further humanity as a whole instead of just using them to see what you can get for yourself…

Imagine a culture in which people put other people before themselves as a practice instead of just once and awhile to prove that they are not small selfish clods of ailments and grievances.

So many people that I know spend SO MUCH time worrying about who they can be with and what they can get out of it…people always seem so amazed at the way that I take care of the people around me, they think me so generous…the truth is that I was taught early on that it isn’t about me…it is about what I can do for whoever is around me…it is about serving humanity to make things better for everyone…if we all lived like that what a different place this would be.

I wish that people would think prior to just reacting…I have a good friend that is recently divorced and every time his ex-wife pushes a button he reacts…he isn’t about serving her, he is about what a XXXXX she is being…I have a news flash…she will never change…he will have to change. Those people in your life that you believe deserve whatever it is that you are serving up to them…they are not really the ones being harmed by your behavior—you are. Your angst, your anger, your hatred, your unkind words…all those things you feel are valid…all of that just comes back to create chaos in your own life…negativity breeds negativity—universal law—always true…

I realize that we are not all going to start running around being nice to everyone and handing out flowers in orange robes…and I have my moments where I express my own disgust for people, places and things, however I catch myself and I know better and I keep trying to do better…that is all I am suggesting, that we think, that we look to see how we can forward the action of things instead of killing them with our negative actions and words…

The first step to changing any behavior is to first recognize it—you can’t hope to shift something that you can’t even bring to consciousness…

 

XO, Noelle

Let Those Grudges Go

Grudges. The old me…circa 2016 and back…100% held grudges. It’s all I knew. Or maybe it was what I was forced to know. What it did was cost me my first marriage, and countless mistakes after that. Then one day my wife (new marriage) told me it, along with my bitterness for life, it was one of the things she hated most about me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Along with the wondering why she married me to begin with, so many questions flooded my existence. Circumstances had made me that way. The many years of continuous hurt and betrayal from so many people I had given my heart to had turned me into stone. What a reality check and more importantly an awakening.

And so I committed to myself, and those I loved, to change. And I did. I absolutely changed. I let all the negative that had been drowning me go. And slowly I fought my way back. I learned to forgive. And I did it. But along the way of forgiveness, somehow I ended up with a broken heart all over again. Was this how it was supposed to be? Really? I had fought an internal battle to change my hardened heart, all for it to happen all over again?

Over the past two years I have fought through some of the darkest days of my life. Places I never thought I would be, I have been. I don’t think I will ever understand the reason, the why’s or the how’s, nor will I ever run out of tears when my mind wanders back in remembrance. They flow uncontrollably. What I do know is that I have to stop questioning it, and somehow find the strength to leave all of it behind once and for all, let go of the grudges. My life has to have some kind of purpose, and while I may not know what that is right now, I have to believe that one day I will find it. I will not revert back to being bitter. And when it comes to two people; as far as forgiveness goes, it will never work if one person forgives and the other does not. I know what side I was once on, and more importantly I know what side I was on in the end. All that’s left for me is to close the door and never walk through it again.

Keep on keeping on!

Virtual Hugs,

BLag

I Don’t Know Where To Start

I don’t know where to start…I had a really hard time writing this blog this week.

Typically something happens , I share it and away we go.

Except some things are so heavy, they are things I struggle even to share with the people closest to me.

But sometimes a share is something someone else needs.  To know they are not alone.

So here it goes…

I have been struggling. I am a happy person about 80% of the time. 90% on a good week. I fight hard for it. I wasn’t always. A happy person. Another blog maybe.

However, over the last few weeks. The stress of work, my personal life, a health scare. I have been holding it together with duct tape and bubble gum.

I have done a good job of putting on a brave face but when I’m alone I’m at my worst. I’m quick to cry anyway- see my last blog. But this is different. Stopping is hard. Starting is way too easy.

While I don’t have the  Webster Dictionary definition of depression. I do have these moments. If I’m being honest, I’m embarrassed that I do. What in my life is so bad? Others have it worse. I should be able to handle it. At least that is the tape that plays in my head.

My therapist would not to be pleased, that even after a few years together that tape still plays in my head.

Depression.

Sadness

Anxiety

Those are words that while they are spoken more than they used to be. Still bring with them a certain amount of side eye.

“You don’t look depressed.”

“What do you have to worry about?”

The reality is we all are fighting.

Some of us just hide our battles.

I finally fessed up to mine when one of my nearest and dearest sent me a picture of the newest member of their family.

He is of the four legged variety and I’m excited to meet him.

My N&D asked me how I was.

I said I felt like a lightning bug in a jar.

She replied with “a damn beautiful lighting bug…”

Cue the waterworks

Even saying that was hard.

Telling one of my best friends I was hurting was hard.

Sharing with you all is scary.

Here’s the thing…even as someone who has a hard time believing it.

There is no shame in the struggle.

It is ok to need to ask for help.

It’s beyond alright to have a good cry in your car.

Please know I’m not making light of this but I am definitely trying to lighten the mood.

For me, for you.

I shared this, so you know Mommas we all have our moments.

Those moments don’t define you. Those moments don’t make you any less fantastic.

Those moments make you – you.

<3 Caprise

In Their Absence

I feel myself getting stronger in their absence.  Their voice, their laughter, those little things they did to make me smile…they’re gone.  BUT the way they touched my life, the love they put in my heart, and how they changed who I am in this world…..those will never ever go away.  They are part of who I am today.  And THAT is a beautiful thing.

Do not spend your time coddling the trauma of someone’s passing, for it will only create a stagnation of sorts, a halt of what is coming to you and almost bring about an uninvited complacency.  It will pull your joy from you and leave you feeling hopeless.

Instead, rise above the discomfort, reach beyond the trauma, give up the upsets.  And Be Who You Are Meant To Be.  Do not allow their death to stop you from living.

Ohhhh and if you let go of the anguished memories of the bond that keep you awake at night, if you release the darkness you seem to hold onto in spite of the pain and you move beyond the grief you still experience….you will NOT let go of the relationship.

Letting go of all that will only enhance your experience of love.  Although they are gone….you are still connected and you will always be in relationship with them…it just looks different.  There is comfort in that, isn’t there?  KNOWING that beyond what your mind can comprehend, beyond what your eyes can see, beyond the veil… your loved ones watch, protect and wait for you.

As you sit and reflect on those you’ve lost… may you remember the beauty, the love & the joy you shared and hold onto THAT.

Rise Up, Forgive, Reignite, Step Out, Embrace and LIVE LIFE in their absence.

So take yourself on.  Step outside the comfort of the sadness and find joy in it.  Find the joy that they brought to you and share it with others.

 

Your God Girl,

Tracy

Please Forgive My Trespasses

I was that girl in yoga.

The one lying in savasana that would stare at the ceiling tiles, tears falling down my face.

Breathe in.

“My husband doesn’t love me.”

Breathe out.

“My husband doesn’t love me.”

Is this really happening?

It was the most difficult time that I had experienced in life, and my then husband of 10 years was choosing to leave me.  Little-by-little, he was pulling away.

My entire world was being shaken.

I heard a sermon recently, and the preacher described trespasses this way: Trespasses are sins that we are fully aware of.  It’s a willful choosing to sin against God and against another person.

His words still sometimes break my heart.  “I know this is wrong, but I’m doing it anyway.”

Trespass.

Truthfully, I thought I needed him.  I really did.  I needed to have a friend walk with me through this.  My sister was dying of cancer.

Instead, his response was a hardening of his heart.  He wasn’t a friend.

Often, new trauma awakens hidden trauma and I was a big mess.  Panic attacks and sleepless nights.

Trauma also has a way of exposing what relationships are made out of.

The best thing he ever did for me was suggest that instead of couple’s therapy, we go see our own counselors.

So, I went.

I went and learned that you can’t force anyone to change, but learned that I could change.

I thought, by changing me, the relationship would change.  And it did, but not in the way I thought it would.

Because all his accusations were lies that I believed built to manipulate me into his point of view.  I truly believed that I was solely to blame for why our marriage didn’t work.

If I was just skinnier, then he’d be happy with me.  If I kept my mouth shut, instead of being me, then he’d be ok with me.  If I just changed what he told me was wrong about me, then he’d love me.  If I was less sensitive…. If I wasn’t “crazy”… The list goes on and on…

Oh, hey there codependency.

Reality was, though, that the marriage was built on a foundation of emotional control and abuse.  It was never a reciprocal relationship.  It was never healthy.

The day I walked about of my counselor’s office after she pointed out that I wasn’t the controlling one, I felt like a million weights had been lifted off my shoulder.

And that night I dreamt of leeches being pulled out of my brain and in the dream, when I looked in the mirror, my face was beaten up.

You see, he almost had me convinced.

It was like walking out of a haze – a fog – into clear day.

According to him, I’m a psycho path.  He doesn’t even try to mask it anymore.  No more undercurrent of subtle tones.

But he doesn’t own my mind and he doesn’t know my heart and what he says isn’t truth.

Breathe in.

“He doesn’t own my mind”

Breathe out.

“I’m worth being loved well”

And now, here I am.  Sorting out fact from fiction and healing.

Some days I struggle, because the pain of betrayal and heart break is a heavy weight, and that’s bad enough.

But the biggest struggle of letting go is being mocked for my heart being broken by the one who broke it.

And I have to choose to let go and forgive.  Even if it’s a broken choice, it’s still a choice.

The weight of unforgiveness is heavier than heartbreak.

And quite honestly, I need my trespasses forgiven.

Thanks ladies!
“The Beloved One”

When The Road Gets Tough Keep Going

When it gets tough,I find myself at a crossroads internally, even after all of my growth over the last year, all the healing, and all my past struggles. I finally feel like I am moving forward. At the same time I feel like there is something I’m missing, Or I’m waiting for the “catch”. Any time in the past that i’ve experienced something good there were strings or a catch attached to it. It will take some time before I belive 100% that its not coming.

I am learning and practicing daily gratitude, and structuring myself. All the changes going on are good and I feel more and more of a gap between the lingering toxicity in my life whether it be people or situations.

Growth isn’t easy, and it can be painfully bitter sweet. The people and things I would give anything for has dramatically changed over the last year. Who I am has dramatically changed over the last year, and even though these are both in a good way, I now have to learn who I am.

Dating at this point in my life is straight up out of the question for me. Not only would a relationship be distracting for my career at this point as I am still making my structure, organization and productivity a habit, but I am also unsure of exactly what I want in a person.

Some of the old traits are still initially attractive to me but once I try to get close the rose colored glasses shatter and I see all the red flags. I refuse to settle again. Just because something is shiney to begin with, or familiar doesnt mean its what I really want.

I need to keep tending to myself, and be selfish. Selfish with my time energy and save the best parts of me for myself and my children. It has taken me 30 years of being a selfless door mat to realize, the value of a person is affected by how much they value themselves. If you keep discounting yourself no one else will give you the respect you deserve.

 

Always be unapologetically true to yourself,

Ali

Use The Power Of Forgiveness

The Webster’s definition of forgiveness is to give up resentment against or the desire to punish; to stop being angry with; to pardon; to give up all claim to punish.  My working definition of forgive for this chapter is to simply let go.

There are so many people out in the world that are holding onto so much yucky stuff—bad childhoods, terrible marriages/divorces, abuse of some sort, anger from some past wrong done to them, bad business deals, insults, injuries, etc.  Every person holding onto something like this feels very strongly about it and should you try to pry it away from them they get very angry.  It is their stuff and they want to keep it right where it is, what they fail to realize is that harboring those yucky feelings is sucking the life right out of them.

I have been actively working with forgiveness for several years now as I was holding onto some resentful feelings from the past.  Over the last few years as I continued to move forward in my life it became apparent to me that there was something in the way of my progress.  After some soul searching I discovered that I was still holding onto resentments and bad feelings toward people from my past.  In my speaking I had forgiven them but in my heart I was still willing them to be different and therefore had not truly let go.  I started doing some active work on forgiving these people and as a result a 25 year old impossible relationship was miraculously changed.  This turn of events was something I never conceived as possible.  The power of forgiveness is truly awe inspiring.

When we forgive (let go of) someone or something  it doesn’t mean that we are consenting to or forgetting what has transpired, it simply means that we are willing to get rid of the dead energy that the situation or relationship has placed on our lives.  Holding onto animosity over someone or something doesn’t really teach the other person anything it merely interferes with our own ability to manifest good in our lives.  Harboring resentments and wishing ill on other people actually stops our own flow of good and can make us sick.   People often hold grudges to “teach” the other person a lesson or to try and hurt the other person as they have been hurt.  This kind of thinking only ends up hurting us,  as we are the ones that actively carry around the bad energy which can cause us to be depressed, overeat, lose sleep or have anxiety.

The Choice Is Yours

In order to forgive someone we had to first decide to take offense from their words or actions.  Whenever they did what they did we had a choice to take offense or to let the incident blow over.  The choice in that moment was ours.  Most people go along in life doing the best that they possibly can for who they are in the moment and often we get angry because their best is not our idea of what the best should be.  We think that we would act very differently if we were them, however, we are not them and we don’t really know how it feels to be them.  It is very easy to be offended by others when we fail to consider what aspects of their lives effect their actions.  It is easier to think about forgiving someone when we begin to really think about what their lives are like and what circumstances may be influencing their actions.   Perhaps they don’t even mean to hurt us, perhaps they are just going along doing the best that they can and they don’t even recognize that their actions or words are hurtful.

How we react to something is always our choice.  We can choose to be contributed to, insulted or offended.  We can choose to take another’s actions personally or we can choose to just let things flow over us.  If your best friend doesn’t call you back you can choose to be angry and offended and make it mean something about your friendship or you can choose to decide that maybe they are just so self-involved that calling you hasn’t even crossed their mind.  You decide, the choice is yours.  The first choice puts a wedge in your friendship and the second allows you to let it go and go on with your life.

Watch Your Frame of Reference

You are not the same person that you were 5 years ago and neither is anyone else you know.  Perhaps you are still relating to some people in your life based on how they were in the past.  Your frame of reference for certain people could be based on what you knew of them 5, 10 or 15 years ago.  This means that when they show up acting differently, you miss it because your frame of reference for them is ingrained in past perceptions.  When we hold things against people they tend to remain forever trapped in our minds the way that they were when the hurt occurred.  It may be easier to forgive them if we starting looking at whom they have become instead of who they were way back when.  This happens a lot with family members, we tend to view them only as we knew them back in the day, who they are now doesn’t even show up for us.  We all have things in our pasts that we would do differently, imagine how we would feel if someone only judged us from the way we acted at 20.

It is always a good policy to investigate your frame of reference for the people in your life; perhaps some of them deserve a fresh perspective.

Nobody Wins the Blame Game

Blaming other people for circumstances in your life is never helpful nor will it take you any place you want to go.  Nobody can win at the blame game.  The only way to win in life is to take responsibility for your own destiny.  Stop blaming the past and the people in it for what doesn’t work in your life.  Start having some new thoughts about the people and situations you need to forgive (let go of).  Forgiveness doesn’t mean that the hurtful behavior is excused or forgotten; it simply means that you stop allowing those incidents to control your life.  Forgiveness can take place after you have experienced the necessary emotions associated with the incident.  Once the initial anger, sadness, outrage, disappointment, etc. has been processed there is a space for forgiveness.  You may need to express your feelings in a constructive way before you can allow the process of forgiveness (letting go) to take place.  It is healthy to experience your emotions; it is not healthy to continue to carry around bad feelings for months and years.  Process the events and then let them go.

Look For the Lesson

I am a firm believer in the statement ‘everything happens for a reason’ and I look at every uncomfortable situation in my life and try to see what it wants to teach me.  Sometimes I see the lesson right away and sometimes I just have to trust that it’s there and that I will see it eventually.  I have learned some of my most valuable lessons from the people and situations that have distressed me the most.  When you are open to the possibility of being contributed to by every event in your life the unpleasant events seem to go by faster.

I have also learned that one of the best ways to diffuse an attack is to apologize for something right in the middle of it.  For instance, “I’m sorry that you feel I’ve insulted you”, or “I’m sorry that you think I hurt you on purpose”.  People attack you because they want attention or they are unhappy with themselves.  If someone attacks you in conversation and you do not respond or you apologize this will diffuse the situation.  A person can only fight with you if you let them.  You cannot argue with someone who refuses to be engaged by you.

I have been told that what we don’t like about other people represents something that we don’t like about ourselves.  If this is true the first action would be to forgive ourselves for all the things that we find unacceptable.  If we can forgive ourselves successfully then we can move ahead to start forgiving others.  Truly, truly everyone is going along doing the best that they can for who they are—maybe it’s time we stopped being so hard on ourselves and others.

~Noelle