Tag Archives: fight

This Time

There is an INXS song and the lyrics are “this time will be the last time…”.

It plays over in my head a lot because I have a laundry list of things I promise myself I won’t do again.

Some are of the warm fuzzy variety. Some are what everyone does. Some are so I can do something.

Some I have tried before and some are long overdue.

As much I write about loving yourself and supporting other people.

I have an incredibly hard time doing that with myself.

I tell people be open. I tell people be honest.

I try to trust and love with my whole heart…

YET…

I have spent a lifetime of letting people believe what they want because it was easier than the truth.

Sometimes even with my own family.

I have spent several relationships putting up walls and waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It’s twenty three years later and I am still being shaped by it.

It was being with a man for almost two years who abused me and not telling anyone. I was too ashamed to tell anyone because prior to that, I had always been the woman who told other women they shouldn’t tolerate it. How could I let this happen?

When we met there were so many red flags. Even now, I am not sure why I ignored them as strongly as I did. The abuse didn’t start right away. It started after I confronted him about things coming up missing, checks bouncing. Then it was everything.I would find out later he slept with a neighbor and when she refused to let him move in with her, he stayed with me, but made it clear how unhappy he was. All the time.I tried to kick him out. Several times.But when you are embarrassed to tell anyone what is going on, it makes leaving difficult. He made it difficult. And I honestly thought I made this mess I had to figure out how to get out of it.

I realize now how incredibly insane that is.

The tipping point was him calling my workplace and threatening me. My boss intervened, sent me home and said pack his stuff, call your parents.

So I did.

It was awful.

I put his stuff outside and he yelled at me from our apartment courtyard. A neighbor stood guard until my Dad came. The same neighbor apologized for never doing anything.

I told him he was here now.

My Dad came.

The cops came.

And it was as awful and uncomfortable as you can imagine, because my Dad had no idea.

He literally had no idea.

I still don’t think he knows the whole deal and that is ok. It has to be. (Ok, it’s not ok. But it i am not sure I will ever be able to tell my parents everything that went on. )

Because I just dealt with it. Until I couldn’t anymore. I didn’t want to let my family down or be a burden. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. So much that I endured something horrible on my own.

Please don’t do that. If you tell someone and they don’t believe you. Tell someone else until someone hears you.

The biggest mistakes I have made are believing I wouldn’t be believed and that no one would want to hold my hand and help me get through WHATEVER it is I need to get through. That’s not true. I promise you. That’s not true.

As I am very aware it’s easy for me to say all of this when I have decades between then and now.

When you are in it, you really are just fight or flight. Just get to the next day.

I made it to the next day. In fact I made it through some decades.Because thankfully, I found people who would listen and hold my hand.

I learned I let the people I love down more by not letting them in.

Much love Mommas

Be safe

<3 Caprise

Crash Into Me

Crash Into Me….

Sometimes in the middle of chaos you begin to realize what you need and what you deserve.

You start to find your voice. You start breathing again. You uncross your arms. You let things go you should have let go a long time ago.

And maybe people told you that, in fact they did but you had to land there.

I have landed there.

Mommas I think I crashed actually.

I’m going to be honest I am crying while I write this, it probably doesn’t help my community is in the middle of a shutdown. I’m trying to change jobs and worry I really won’t have one. Add to it I have been in a relationship where I feel like I have been relegated to swimming in jello.

We take two steps forward then inevitably we take a giant step back. While it’s better than any I have been in for a long time.

I still am in a place where I am allowing myself to not be in a relationship I deserve. I have the last few years holding my breath waiting for a change that doesn’t come. I have mentioned this before, somewhere along the way I bought into the belief I deserve to not be loved a hundred percent.

I have been living in the land of broken promises.

Changes that never happen.

Who taught me I deserved this? My Dad definitely doesn’t treat my Mom like this.

So where?

I know what I want. Why am I so afraid of having it? Why do I settle for half?

I had a pretty lengthy conversation with my best guy friend about how I should take steps up. Not just steps. I am an adult. I deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is also an adult. Or acts like it. I deserve to be more than afterthought. I deserve to be the first thing and last thing someone thinks of. I deserve to have bad days. They deserve them to but let me hold your hand.

Don’t shut me out. Fight for me. Make me feel wanted. Needed.

I don’t need someone in my life. I am capable of being on my own. But if I am going to make space for someone in my life they better be worth a spot at the table.

There is a quote “never be afraid to fall apart; it presents an opportunity to rebuild yourself the way you wish you’d been all along.”

Yup

Love to you  Mommas, so much right now.

<3 Caprise

What I’m Fighting For

What I’m Fighting For…

I’ve heard the worst of the worst in my 40 years of life.

“We found a mass. Quite honestly, I’m concerned.”
“It is malignant.  You have a 10 cm tumor.  There are also 2 spots in your left lung.”
“It’s stage 4.  Our best guess is you have a 10-15% chance of living the next 5 years.”
I’ve now been battling stage 4 colon cancer for 3 years. I’ve had 27 radiation treatments, 22 chemo treatments, more surgeries in the last 3 years than most have in a lifetime. I’ve somehow had such bad Sepsis that I was within hours of death.
Twice.
There is a looming fear that I have about 2 years left. That my 8 and 5 year old children won’t have their mom by their side as they start middle school and grade school. I try not to worry about that. I try to make every day the best I can for them. I want them to remember when I taught them to ride a two wheeler. And that I practiced their spelling words with them every single morning. I want them to think of fun zoo trips and every single Muffins With Mom event at school.  I pray they will remember what I went through for them. But not so much that they remember how sick the chemo made me. I want them to know that as sick as I was, it helped me be with them even one more day.
I’m fighting.  I’m fighting every single day.  I never want my kids to think I gave up on them. On life. As hard as it is, my will to live is for them. As I gear up for another round of 12 treatments, I worry about telling them. But I hope they’re proud. I hope they see what courage and strength there is in fighting Cancer.  I hope they remember that strength and courage when I’m at my weakest. And I hope they remember the light on the other side. When I can tell them, “The chemo worked.  The cancer is gone. No more chemo for a while.”
Because while the bad has been very bad, the good has been SO much better. We appreciate everything more. They don’t know my time is limited. They just know that I do what I do in order to be able to do the fun stuff later.
And while the Cancer fight is hell, it’s sure as hell worth it in order to take one more trip to the zoo next year.
-Kate

Choose Your Battles

Choose Your Battles
Choose your battles. Have any of you heard this before? This is by far the best advice I have ever received. It came from my mama! She has said it so many times to me that I am finally starting to see exactly what she meant.
I am learning to choose mine. Your 3-year-old wearing 2 shirts with one of them on backwards is not a battle worth fighting. He is dressed, he is clean, and he is happy (for the moment)! Hearing the two older kids argue about what song they want to listen to on the radio on the way to school is not a battle worth fighting. We will not listen to the radio at all! Trying to make someone understand your feelings when all they do is mock them is not a battle worth fighting.
Your feelings are valid. They are real.
Responding to negative posts about you that are posted on social media is not a battle worth fighting.
We don’t always have to win. We don’t always have to have the last word…as hard as it may be!
Let me tell you what battles are worth fighting. Fighting for what is right. Fighting for a happy life after living in a marriage that only brought you pain and frustration. Fighting for yourself and your children because no one is going to do it for you. Fighting to make sure that your children have the life they deserve even though that life isn’t what you planned. Fighting to look at the good instead of the bad! That is a tough one! These are the battles that really matter!
It is so easy to get caught up in the little conflicts that occur daily. It is so easy to focus on them and then lose sight of the bigger battles. I still focus on the wrong battles sometimes. I am only human! Putting my energy into the battles that really matter though has made a huge difference!
So choose your battles wisely friends!
-Ann

Warrior Moms-I am With You.

Warrior Moms, I am With You.

 This is my introduction.

I did not sleep when my daughter was an infant. I held her as I sat upright on a couch while she slept. I held her so she could breathe. I wore eye shadow as war paint so my employer couldn’t see the dark circles, to keep my job.

I breast fed every 4 hours and pumped milk in between so she’d have enough.
I fought doctors, begging them to trust my instincts and listen, screaming I may be a new mom but I know my child. She had sinus infections before a literal sinus, lung collapse, recurring pneumonia and sleep apnea until her emergency surgery (with pneumonia) at 10 months old.

At the age of 3 she was diagnosed with an immune disorder which meant sinus infections 11 months of the year until she was 7. I battled and battered my body, moved us three times, tarred the driveway, and found a way.

It is worth it. You can do this.

My first dog (& co-parent) was diagnosed with cancer three days before Christmas. I sold my jewelry for her medicine, cooked special meals to starve the cancer and lost her (my heart) after an 11-month battle.

I dragged clothing to 10 years of consignment sales and shopped garage sales for toys and clothes. I changed jobs three times and haven’t had a date or break in almost 11 years.

I am with you, warrior moms, who have chronically ill children, work full-time, have a full plate, and have no spare time for you. You can do this.

My daughter just had her ballet recital. I watched her smile. Pause, breathe… arms out… jump and soar.

And I watched her bow.

It is worth it. You can do this.

For better or worse, it’s me.

Bernae