Tag Archives: feelings

On Being In Love

In one of my other blog posts, I wrote about the feeling of limerence, or basically, the “in love” feeling. It may have seemed that I downplayed the emotion, and the truth of the matter is that I meant to at the time. I have tossed it around in my head quite a lot lately and have reframed it some. I think it is important, in life, that we reassess and reevaluate our thoughts and beliefs. Otherwise, we would stagnate.

So, on being “in love:” you see I add air quotes when talking about it. I think I’ve reframed the emotions so much in my mind that I do not believe in using the term anymore. It is confusing because love and in love are not the same, yet they contain the same word. Just think about how many times you have heard people say, “we still love each other, we are just not in love anymore.” Is that not confusing? Also, how is it that I can date someone for a while and know without a doubt that I love them, but be unsure about whether or not I am in love with them? The emotions are different, they just are. They have similarities and goodness knows we need both in the world. I think that in my head though, I’ve given limerence a bad rap. It got me into some trouble in life and I have let that experience color the whole chemical filled emotion. It turns out, I don’t think that is fair.

I am a writer, not a scientist. I don’t look at my life objectively very well. I assimilate my experiences and try to ascribe theories to what I am going through. Then I watch others to see if their behavior supports my conjecture. When it does, I tend to think I’m onto something. And I did, with this. Don’t get me wrong, I still think the theory is correct, I just don’t think it is right to outright dismiss being in love.

You will find I am big on movie and literary quotes. Truthfully, this is because I am not arrogant. So many people have said things so much better than I ever could. Sometimes you may laugh or roll your eyes at the ones which have stuck with me, but there is always a reason. So, though I went slightly on a tangent, my point is this; I really love this quote from Armageddon because it completely proves me wrong. In the movie, a young woman’s boyfriend is going into space and the two of them are having a picnic before he leaves.

Grace: Baby, do you think it’s possible that anyone else in the world is doing this very same thing at this very same moment?

AJ: I hope so, otherwise, what the hell are we trying to save?

If you saw the movie, you would know they were in love and they were talking about being in love. And if they weren’t, that is how I interpreted it. The thing is, after considering it for a long time, being in love is one of the best feelings on Earth. The problem is that we want it to stay exactly how it feels in the beginning. Because the beginning is so great. I am sure in the future I will write on why it isn’t possible for those feelings to stay exactly the same, but for now I want to expound on the giddy feelings.

People deserve to feel those feelings. They are some of the best in the world. The euphoria you get when you look into someone’s eyes with whom you have a deep connection is honestly the stuff that makes the world go ‘round. I wish we could bottle it up and put it on a shelf for a rainy day. I wish all the bad things in the world did not happen, but with that feeling, the world cannot be all bad. I truly feel this way. And I truly understand why people chase it at all costs.

I have plenty of advice on love, but this is not about that. This is an acknowledgment that I was wrong to roll my eyes. I was wrong to dismiss being in love. I was wrong to act like it is an unwelcome visitor. It is wonderful, and fun. I’m lucky to have felt it, and I hope if you haven’t, you someday will.

Just remember, though it is wonderful, it comes with rules just like everything else. But I think maybe it takes strength to realize that you were wrong and admit it, and it takes strength to understand where you were right as well.

Stronger than yesterday,

Alice

Do It For Yourself With No Guilt

Do It For Yourself With No Guilt

I didn’t realize that I wanted to do so many things in life.  I didn’t realize that I didn’t share a lot of the same goals and interests as my husband.  I would always feel guilty for wanting to do the things I enjoyed.  So I just went along with everything.  You know when just do what you think you should be doing or don’t speak up for yourself.. I never had that excited or accomplished feeling.  I think sometimes we fall into this rut and it’s hard to get out.  And if I did do something I enjoyed, I would feel incredibly guilty.  Sometimes we just do what we think is expected. We don’t speak up for our own wants.  I had always done what was expected…

I have no guilty feelings for my divorce anymore… which took years to get to that point.  It does take years to finally be able to really focus on you.  I know now that it’s totally ok that my marriage did not work out. I know that I want to focus on other areas of my life.. areas that can give me excitement and a sense of accomplishment.

I went back to school and got my degree in health and wellness management because my passion is living healthy.   I wanted to learn more about that lifestyle and to eventually teach others.  I have a full time career in another field, but I work part time in a fitness center now just to get some experience.  Plus I love it!  When you do something you love, it makes all the difference.  It gave me such excitement and encouragement to have something to work towards.  Sometimes now I wonder how I actually did it and survived…I’m pretty sure it will just the feeling of doing something for yourself.

It doesn’t matter if you want to go back to school, try a new church, find a new career, or start something that you have always dreamed about.. it shouldn’t matter if it’s not what’s expected of you.. it’s scary to finally start something new. Its really scary now without additional support. But once you start, you will not want to give up the excitement.

I can not explain how finally I felt like I had done something for myself and I loved it.  I don’t think it matters on what stage you are in life.   It’s ok to change your mind or follow another path, just don’t feel guilty. Be proud!

https://www.snarkydivorcedgirl.com/

Pass The Tissues, Please!

Pass the tissues, please!

Growing up I was quick to cry. As an adult frustration and anger can mean waterworks.

I’m not sure who invented waterproof mascara but they’re my hero.

It’s embarrassing how much and what makes me cry. Commercials. Certain stories on the news. Movies. TV.

Pass the tissues.

Honestly,I usually just have tissues stashed in a pocket. But I’m here to say… there is something to be said for a good cry.Sometimes you need it. I know it sounds odd I’m encouraging this. Hear me out. There is something about giving into that emotion, getting it out and moving on.It can be a reset button. We all need a rest sometimes.

There is no shame in that. Owning your feelings is hard. Admitting you hurt or are sad can feel almost impossible. So to suggest a good cry, seems outlandish.

I also tend to shut down when I’m hurting. I have a hard time letting people know I’m hurt. Silliness I know…

Quote for you:

Just because you have days where you feel really overwhelmed. Doesn’t mean you’re a bad Mom. It’s ok to cry & it’s ok to need a break. You’re doing an amazing job.

You really are.

First we grew a person. Some of you a couple.

Some of you work, go to school, are full time Moms.

Your lives are hectic! It’s not a cakewalk.

There are bumps and mountains.

It is ok to have to take a moment a hit that reset button.

I got some tissues in my pocket for you Mommas.

<3

Caprise

Don’t Write About Me(!)

I have been writing since I can remember. I am not one for poems or fiction because to be blunt I’m pretty awful at it. My wheelhouse has always been pulling from what I’m going through.You can blame that on the many friends and family members who bought me diaries and journals.

The hard lesson I’ve learned over the years is when you write from the heart not only is it painful to put on paper it’s equally painful to read.

So as I was getting ready to approach this new chapter in my writing journey… see what I did there? I let those close to me know.

My sweet Dad who is to blame for me being both an avid reader and writer immediately yelled out “don’t write about me!”

I promise this is probably it Dad.. Sorta. But it is a slippery slope.

Every week I put myself out there.

I usually do have a plan. I keep a bunch of post its with topic ideas handy in case my ritual of an adult beverage and accompanying music of the moment leave me stuck.

But full transparency these blogs come from moments. They’re  moments that I think if I’m feeling this way maybe someone else is too and maybe just maybe they will read this and maybe not feel better, but know they’re not alone.

That can sometimes be the hardest thing. No matter who you are. But when I first left my ex husband I felt it. Hard. There were a few people who really stepped up and they know who they are.  That leads me back to the beginning of this post. When I write these I am trying so hard to not be hurtful, to keep things that are mine, mine but still share those moments.

In a recent post I alluded to a new person in my life. He caught it. Believe it or not I’m actually a pretty guarded person. If you read my series the Fixer of Broken Boys … well you know why. I’m working on it. So it can be hard for me to tell the people I care about what they mean to me, but I can write it here.

I know I don’t get it either.

Again, working on it.

It’s scary. Sharing your life. Your joys. Your not so great days. The ugly. The great. The newest wrinkle.

But that’s WHY I’m here. That’s why I’m write. That’s why I share. So on those days- YOU know someone’s got you Momma.

 

Hi there- my name is Caprise, I’m your tattoo’d, music loving, Henry Rollins obsessed, Mom of the  amazing G, single working Mom cheerleader… and I’m going to try my hardest to remind you we got this.

<3

You Hold The Memory

Do you ever wonder, how did you get so many of ‘these’? Whatever your THESE are. More than likely it’s because you bought them, they were gifted, handed down, or you won them for doing something great. Stop and ask-

“How many do I really need?”

Then decide how many to give away and begin the choosing.

I have 15 coffee mugs & 4 to-go mugs (mind you, I live alone), so I decided to get rid of 5 mugs and 1 to-go. That’s a good place to start, right? As I was going through them & deciding which ones to keep and which ones to pass on, I was noticing how much meaning I had put on each one. The emotional connection was strong for me…. to the person who gave it to me, or the vacation location I bought it at or how pretty it was. I found it a little rough to disconnect from the emotion (did I tell you I wear my heart on my sleeve and have a LOVE tattoo on my foot) because I feel.

Deep.

I reminded myself, this is just a token.  The real sentiment is in my memory, in my mind, in my heart and it’s time to downsize and simplify and the only way to do that is to let it go.

What meaning do you place on things that you have too many of?

How can you start to purge and unclutter the “too many’s”

Too many pairs of socks, panties, boots?

Too many spoons, cereal bowls, kitchen towels?

Too many scarves, vases, tea cups?

Whatever it is,take a look and begin to release some of them.  Give them away.  Donate them.  Hand them down.  Start small and remember that YOU hold the memory in you.

And proudly, happily, say to yourself “It’s time to let it go.”

 

Your God Girl,

Tracy xoxo

Empathy-Wearing Your Heart On Your Sleeve?

The word empathy is a noun. It means the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

Depending on who you talk to it can also be viewed as a sign of weakness. Empathy. Being in touch with your emotions, wearing your heart on your sleeve.

I can’t tell you how many ex’s have told me I’m too sensitive.

I have been told by those closest to me it is the thing the love and hate the most about me. They know it means I keep my heart open when I shouldn’t. I cry when I am mad. I read into things. I can be jealous. But if I love you. I love you with all my soul. I will take care of you. Gestures no matter how small mean everything and I will do what I can in my guarded way to make sure you know.

I know guarded and empathetic seem like they don’t go but it’s the empathy that makes me guarded. Until it doesn’t.

But this isn’t about me. It’s about my proud Mommy moment.

Watching my beautiful daughter turn into a nurturer. Be aware of others around her and want to take care of them. Most recently with her cousins who are visiting from the East coast. She sees them if she is lucky once a year. Since she is an only child she refers to them as her cousin/siblings. She is in middle school so we have definitely started with some preteen eye rolls and occasional comment.

Overall though she shows me somewhere along the way she got the importance of being kind and caring. Don’t get me wrong she still stands her ground.

Do you know how great it is to be in a conference with four teachers and have them tell me how kind she is?Get that in an email from her guidance counselor.

In how she describes her friends. She makes sure to highlight details. Explain. Tell you why it’s ok. She listens.

Every night she tells me she loves me. She does the same when she leaves for school in the morning. She recognizes some of her friends are different but makes sure to impress upon us why it’s important it’s not a big deal. Her eyes are wide open and so is her beautiful heart.

In a world where people can be so incredibly cruel it makes me so proud my girl is making her own path and leading with a strong heart.

I’m a proud Mama. Who is also sending all of you lots of love from heart on my sleeve.

~~Caprise

Single Mom of the amazing Dbl G
Teacher
Sometime DJ
T-shirt collector
Henry Rollins Middle Aged Punk Prom Date

Shedding The Shame

Shame has been a feeling I have lived with for as long as I can remember, even as far back as elementary school. Shame has made me feel powerless, worthless, invisible. A couple weeks ago as I drank my coffee on my back porch I read a post from Scary Mommy on Facebook about anxiety/depression and complex trauma and it was like a punch to the gut. It has stuck with me and my thoughts kept returning to one particular part that describes me and my journey so completely it took my breath away.

“At the first sign of anxiety or depression, traumatized people will spiral into toxic shame. Depending on the wounding messages they received from their abusers, they will not only feel the effects of anxiety and depression, but also a deep shame for being “defective” or “not good enough.” Many survivors were emotionally and/or physically abandoned, and have a deep rooted knowledge of the fact that they were insufficiently loved. They live with a constant reminder that their brains and bodies were deprived of a basic human right. Even present-day situations where they are receiving love from a safe person can trigger the awareness and subsequent grief of knowing how unloved they were by comparison.”  https://themighty.com/2018/06/anxiety-from-complex-trauma/#_=_

Shame has been a part of the demons way to control my thoughts. Shame has been a tool of the abusers in my life to make me feel small. Shame has been a feeling that others wanted me to live with for my choices. Shame has been a way to keep the my warrior quiet. I have been shamed for my depression, for my sexuality, for my belief in looking at the good in people, for only being a teacher, for my failures, for my mistakes, for celebrating by wins, for the way my body looks, for my relationships, and for daring to be happy.

I am done living with what others think of what is the right path for me. I am done letting shame keep me from following my passions. I am done with shame telling me I am defective or not good enough. I am done with people who try to shame me into living according to what they believe is proper behavior. My warrior is gaining more power and the demons are losing because I am done with shame.

I choose instead to surround myself with people that will love me despite my mistakes and understand that my mistakes are a part of what has made me this beautiful, powerful warrior goddess. People who can see that I do the best I can each and every day, and love me even on the days I struggle to make it through that day. People that feed my soul with love and kindness, and want to see more that in the world around us.  People who understand my passion, my dreams, my hopes and push me to make them a reality. People who love me even when I react out of fear and know that I am a work in progress. I choose people who see my worth and believe I am good enough each and every day. I am done with shame!

~ Kellie

Working each day to be the warrior and leader I know is within me. You can follow me at https://wordpress.com/view/leaderofthepacks.blog

Social Media-Does It Affect You?

Let’s talk about social media today and how it can drag you down, and affect your well being and mental state, especially if you’re a single parent. Especially if YOU let it!

On the other hand social media can also inspire and motivate you, it just depends on what you are focusing on…

I personally found myself joining social media when my children became of that networking age and I said “If you do-I do” ~ only so that I could monitor their online presence. That was almost TEN years ago!

We all know that It’s really exciting to feel that connection to old friends and family members that live far away. It’s also great to enjoy sharing pictures and road trip photos, fun events, and even a simple shopping when someone posts things like  “Oh I bought a new sweater” or “Look at me in my new dress!”

As single parent THAT can really really can bring you down, especially when you know that you can’t afford those luxuries and you’re scraping just to put food on the table also wondering where your gonna get that extra  $50 to cover the electric bill that’s due in 4 days. Gotta love living that week to week life–you know the one right? When bringing your kids out to McDonald’s for the dollar value menu actually is a luxury!

People that have never lived it DON’T understand it and it’s all well and good when they want to sympathize with you and they want to give you that pat on the shoulder and say “you’re doing a great job”  and “look how beautiful your kids are” and “your kids are so well-mannered” and “you’re such a strong person!”  and sometimes those comments are helpful, however a lot of times these people have not walked through what I walked through.

They  just don’t get  it ~ the everyday exhaustion of doing everything yourself, like having to get up every night in the middle of the night and tend to your child and there’s nobody to turn to and say “can you help the baby?”  It’s so draining to say the least especially when you have to get up in the middle of the night and tend to your crying child who is all stuffed up with a nose full of boogers and you’re so exhausted and you have that deadline tomorrow and also that 8 a.m. meeting with your boss and you have to present the financials to the board of directors at a noon luncheon!  Oh boy! STRESS.

I do know those days.

You just do it, and take it one day at a time. You get up, have faith, be blessed, and be happy for what you do have -the roof over your head- the food on the table- your health – the job- the knowledge and the strength–YOU  just keep doing it– because you know you’re doing good for your children that YOU’RE raising, ALONE.

No one EXPECTS to be a single mother. Sadly, sometimes it HAS to happen for the safety and well-being of the Mother and children.

I lived those days and nights. It is hard. It is draining. It is exhausting. But  it is what it is- for your life- in the here and now, for today. You’ve just got to do it. Find the strength to face the day and keep on hoping that your positivity and gratitude shines through and lets your kids see your powerful work ethic.

YES, we do live in a material world, we do, but, you know it is changing,  this Millennial generation is ALL about Tiny houses and downsizing and clearing your clutter and de-cluttering your life and all these mantras, affirmations and positivity~ you know- be the dream,- live, laugh, and love. Do what you love, and it’s never too late to be what you might have been~ and it’s true! It’s  all true!

AS  I embrace my 50th year-  I’ve lived it- I’ve learned it- I can’t say I’ve loved it— but I’m looking at  my daughter who’s in her early 20s and she’s blossoming and turning into a determined,  independent young lady. My son is starting his sophmore year at a technical school with clear goals and a career path.  I sit back and I look at them and I think DAMN! I did that. I DID THAT! On my own, 20 plus years of my life, the struggles, and the hardships, sleepless nights  and you know the non-support and all challenges and so forth, but: little by little I chipped away at school and educating myself to enrich my career to make a better life for my kids and myself. I finally earned my Bachelor’s Degree at age 47. Never say NEVER.

Yes I am over 50 now and beginning to get forgetful and it is frustrating! So I just laugh at it and continue to say I CAN DO THIS, I’ll handle it~ keep your faith! That’s the most important thing. Keep plugging away, day by day and DON’T let those people out there in cyberville bring YOU down. Take it all in, set your goals, and watch yourself move forward and upward. YOU are women, YOU are strong. When you’re feeling “less than”  GO HUG YOUR KIDS! That certainly has got to make you feel better!

KDAWSON 3/17/18  revised 10/16/18

Make YOU a Priority!!!!!

Making yourself a priority is difficult. Most days “I don’t wanna”—it doesn’t really matter WHAT it is, I just DON’T WANNA.  This morning about two hours ago was no different…I needed to get up and work out and then I have to clean this entire house, write this blog post, clean my desk and oh yeah…LAUNDRY…freaking never-ending laundry.  So there I sat on top of my bed, drinking coffee, doing some work and thinking about how I did not want to do ANYTHING that I have to do today.  This day is pretty much like EVERY other day for the last 20 years…or more.

If I was RUN by my feelings then absolutely nothing would have been accomplished over the last 2 decades and I would likely be an epic failure…the GOOD news is that I am NOT run by my feelings, in fact they have little to do with my actions.  Apathy comes from giving into the voice that says “I don’t wanna”.  As I said last weekend in my blog, we are like our own breed of Special Forces…The Warrior Moms…we don’t have the luxury to give into “feelings”, we simply must PUSH THROUGH THE BULLSHIT and accomplish what there is to be done.

Back to me this morning…as I am sitting on my bed contemplating all the things that I have to do, a text comes in from one of my friends here and she says “I am getting ready to go walk the hills”—we often walk together as there are SO many hills around our houses and it makes for a really good cardio session.  I quickly decided that walking with her would be more fun than the elliptical so I threw on some clothes and went out to meet her…I must say, it was a little BRISK out there!  (By the way the picture is from the brook this morning down the street from my house…getting to look at that makes being cold worthwhile:)

In the course of our conversation she was telling me how she keeps putting taking care of herself last and that she cannot seem to commit to a schedule for getting her cardio done etc.  She has 4 kids and more often than not puts herself last as I know MANY of us do.  That has got to STOP.  If you go down then everything comes to a halt, so it is well worth you MAKING the time each day to take care of yourself.  Your health is not something to screw around with, trust me…I am watching some friends and family members suffer the effects of years of not taking care of their psychical well-being and their quality of life is not as good as it could be.

Watching what you put into your body and making the time to walk or workout or do yoga or pilates or SOMETHING will pay off for you in SPADES as you age…PLEASE people start making yourselves a PRIORITY.  You are a warrior and in order to keep pushing through the bullshit that comes at you daily you MUST take care of YOU!

-XO, Noelle

An Omission Turned Admission

I was sitting on my living room floor folding laundry. Miles of piles of tipping laundry and unmatched socks sat in front of me. The kids were playing independently and the house was otherwise quiet.

Just me and my thoughts. A dangerous thing.

And suddenly I felt sick. Literally, physically sick. It occurred to me, the omission I keep making.

I will allow myself to feel this for a fleeting moment. I need to, so that I can continue to heal. This is just the beginning. I know this. I resent this.

I am so angry.

I am so sad.

And I am so lonely.

I catch myself looking at everyone’s left hand. The ring finger of even the 70-year old in the grocery store checkout line is not excluded.

Are you married? Are you happy? Does it feel good to sleep next to someone every night? Is it nice to have someone to call when your day is shit? How does it feel to hug someone tightly when you cry or even better, when you have the best news to celebrate? Do you feel a sense of security knowing they will be there day after day, night after night?

I hate everyone’s happiness. I hate the people who have someone to go home to. I hate all of your wedding rings and I hate all of your family pictures. I hate all of your smiles and I hate all of your photos of flower bouquets and sandy beach vacations.  I hate your Facebook questions about an anniversary dinner spot to reserve, or whether you should have another baby.

My wedding dress sits in a box in my attic. My rings, were so beautiful, and they sit in a safe that isn’t even in my own house. My wedding albums sit on a shelf. My dream of another child dashed.

There are two photos of him still in the house that just feel like too much energy to change out of the frame. His mail still comes to the house. I want to burn it.

I want to just sit and cry until I can’t anymore. Especially when people who don’t know, who will never know, hear that I am getting divorced and optimistically say “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that it didn’t work out.”

Didn’t work out?

It didn’t work out?

You must be f#%@*ing kidding me, right?

I gave everything to this man, and then some. A thankless, unselfish kind of love he will never, ever find again. And I got screwed, sideways, backwards and up the street. I was emotionally abused, abandoned, and ignored.

In return I have two, beautiful, healthy, awesome children.

I learned I have the strength of a warrior and an infinite capacity to love through hurt, betrayal, and loneliness.

But as I told him, so many times, I am not unbreakable. There is an end to my ability to bear the weight.

I am grieving the loss of what I thought my life would be. I am grieving the loss of love, a husband, and even a father to my children. I am grieving failure.

I gave it my all and I failed. I don’t fail. I don’t quit. And at this, this most important thing, I couldn’t fix it. Singular effort in a dual partnership just does not cut it.

A few months ago, he made a point of it to hurt me and tell me: “You were not good enough.”

It hurt to hear him say it, and his intent behind it. I know this is not true. But it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t sting. It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t get replayed in my head in the quiet of the night. In the quiet of folding laundry on a Tuesday afternoon.

There is still an indentation on my ring finger. I find myself reaching to spin my rings less and less. But my finger still feels naked, and so do I. My flaws feel exposed, my emotions feel heightened, my hurt feels raw and misunderstood. My trust and my belief in people…broken. I am sorry in advance that I will not believe you will follow through. I will always wait for you to be the one to break my heart.

I feel like I will never be as important to someone again, as he was to me. I grieve the idea that there is a possibility that I will never be loved that way that I love. That is real, that is honest, and that is heartbreaking. It may not be true, but right now, it is the truest statement I can make about what it feels like inside.

Everything hurts. And no one, not anything but time, will make it better. Please hide all the clocks and wake me when it’s over.

-Jessica: Awesome Single Mama