Tag Archives: fear

What’s Driving Your Life?

What’s driving your life? What you allow behind the wheel is a huge factor on the quality of your life. Are you fear driven? Constantly worrying what can and will go wrong? Do you find yourself expecting more and more negative things to happen?

Whatever you let run your main thought pattern is what you will manifest into your life. Whatever you tell yourself is true because you will make it true, you will attract it to you.

It takes courage to shed the negativity. Most people hold onto it almost as a security blanket. Thinking its “safer, to not get their hopes up” thinking that staying negative protects them from more painful disappointment. Negative thinking is a trap and I urge you to find the courage to escape.

Letting positive curiosity and wonderment drive you. It’s scary, its raw, it is an amplified joyous life. Finding your inner peace, being aligned with yourself helps you overcome the turbulence of life’s ups & downs. Find your passions, talents/gifts and harness them. Do not fear failure, never regret trying and giving your all. The only true failure in life is never starting and then collecting regrets.

Fear is a chain we need to break, but it is also a sign. Anything worth doing in your life is going to be scary, or downright terrifying.Nothing  good ever comes from our comfort zones; The fear pushes us out of our comfort zone and kick starts our growth, that fear and adrenaline is the first building block of anything great.

To keep building our life, the path we are meant to walk we have to keep growing. Whether We will become or create something spectacular, or watch it crash, burn or hide from it all depends on what we have driving us.

Keep growing loving and learning,

Ali

The Beautiful Mess That You Are

The Beautiful Mess That You Are.

One of the most challenging things about healing and growing, is learning how to be vulnerable. Figuring out how to show people your scars, both metaphorically and literally… Where do you start? Who do you trust? How do you admit the things to another person you barely admit to yourself? Where do you even start to develop the ability to accept what has happened in your life and start owning it? God knows it’s not easy to let one person (let alone the world) see the things that broke you, the things that scarred your body and soul. It’s terrifying to allow anyone to see the trauma and devastation you have experienced, so is it even worth it?

When you uncover those scars, you are doing more than just pulling off a bandage. You are tearing down years and years of defense mechanisms and fake smiles. You are shredding the illusion of yourself you have created for the world to see, and letting out the real, albeit messier version of yourself. It might not be as shiny or beautiful on the surface, and in fact, it probably won’t be. What it will be instead, is real and true. It will require a level of raw honesty that will probably hurt like hell at first.

Yes, you will be afraid that whoever sees your scars will only see what’s been damaged. You’ll be afraid that instead of seeing the strength it took to sew all those tears up yourself, they will only see the jagged stitches. Afraid they will see the gaping hole, and not the tenacity it took to pull the knife out of your back all on your own. Afraid the only thing they notice will be the cracks, and not understand the time and patience it took to glue it all back together again.

Here’s the thing, when you stop hiding from your past, your fears, and emotions you free yourself of the hold they have on you. You give yourself the chance to discover who you really are. You can let go of the fake version of yourself that is pretending you are happy with the life you are living… or I suppose for some people, you are giving up the fake version of yourself that pretends they hate their life and everyone in it. Whatever. Either way you are letting go of the illusion. Figuring out how to be real and honest, ESPECIALLY with yourself, is the most important part of healing.

Yeah, there will be the haters and naysayers. Those people who don’t want you to change or grow, because it makes them feel bad about their own lives. The thing is, the people who only see the damage, or criticize you for being your most authentic self aren’t worth having in your life anyway. So, pull off those bandages and let the world see the beautiful mess that you are. You never know who will love you, scars and all.

Embrace your perfectly imperfect self,

-Charli

Living Through 9/11 This Year

9/11…Today is the day my mother died. I am the daughter of a single mother and a single mother myself. My mother died going to work early on the 99th floor of 1 WTC to learn PowerPoint… a skill I refuse to master.  Call it petty, but it’s deeply ingrained in my psyche. Walk in my Louboutins and then talk if you feel the need.

The hardest part of today was deciding not to take my 12 year old son to the memorial services in NYC. I realized,after much wine, that I wasn’t ready to put another human through that pain. I put on a good game face most years, and hope to put one on again today, yet with our politically charged environment, may not be fully possible.

I lost everything when I lost my mom. When I say everything, I lost all facets of family I thought I had. “Aunts and uncles”, “family friends” etc who thought I wasn’t grieving properly or who I didn’t contact because I didn’t know how to say I needed someone, or didn’t want to be alone for whatever the next holiday. I live my life with my son wanting to give him something better and failing as compared to my mom, but realizing that at least I am giving him a truth. A truth that was lost to me. I needed to be loved, even if I buried my pain in donations and dollars and the future, those were easy things to distract me from the pain. Today I mourn the loss of a friend back to a country that has become her home more than the US, and that I was too selfish to take my advantages to spend time with her when I could.

This is not my best post but it is my story of what it means to be a survivor 17 years later and may well evolve over the next few days.

~Electra

To Grow I Must Embrace These Changes

To Grow I Must Embrace These Changes

There has been a lot of change going on in my life as of recent. I have never been a big fan of change. This time instead of fighting against the forces that be that are pushing me in new directions I have been embracing them and going with the flow.

One of the many changes in my life is that I have a new relationship in my life. Someone who treats me right, so much so it scares me sometimes. I have never been with a decent guy before, I have always been with the guys that neglect my needs and make me beg for what I need in a relationship. The absence of this struggle has me on my toes waiting for the other shoe to drop. Then I realized it wasn’t coming. Which made me analyze why I was waiting for things to take a turn for the worst. I didn’t feel like I deserved to be treated right, why you may ask? It’s from all the years of justifying others mistreatment of me. Now I am learning how to love myself and to allow someone to love me.

One of the other big change bombs in my life is that I have been officially diagnosed with lupus. I’ve been in an out of the hospital for years, with symptoms that doctors couldn’t explain why I was having them. More recently I’ve been in and out of the hospital more frequently and I finally got a diagnosis. For those who do not know what Lupus is; it is a auto-immune disorder where your body mislabels your healthy cells as invading pathogens and then the body proceeds to attack itself. Specifically, with lupus it attacks skin, organs, muscle and connective tissue. The fact that I live in a colder unstable climate increases the amount of activity this disease has. So being diagnosed has led me too two bigger changes in my life.

I am uprooting my life and moving across country to Texas, for the warmer stable climate with lower cost of living. My last day on the job at the casino as a blackjack dealer is May 6th. The new person in my life is following me and my children down there. I am also immersing myself into homeopathic and herbal healing to find alternatives to heal myself and others.

I am diving head first into all of this, and I’m refusing to allow fear to control the steering wheel. I know that I cannot continue to grow unless I embrace this change and allow myself to be uncomfortable. It’s time to heal old wounds and embrace my new life. 

Always be unapologetically yourself,

Ali

Eliminating Fear-Policing Your Own Thinking

Eliminating fear requires the vigilance to police your own thinking.  You have to be able to swap a fear-based thought for a more positive one.  The whole ‘thought swapping’ thing that I have been talking about over the past few days is difficult to do.  It is a moment-by-moment practice. My mother has always told me that fear is thinking thoughts that scare you…and really that is true.

When you realize that God is in control there really is nothing to fear, easier said than done I know…yet worth working on.