Tag Archives: Faith

I Wondered..Why Me?

I Wondered..Why Me?

I found myself yelling up at God.  Pointing up to the ceiling …. “YOU!  You did this!” “How could You?!” and in the next breath, with tears running down my face, “Why God, Why?”   There’s my boyfriend who had just taken his life and here I stood.

Devastated.

Confused.

Angry.

My heart ached.

My tears fell.

My soul hurt.

And nothing made sense.

I knew, like I KNEW, that God had put us together. There is no way I would have met this man otherwise.  My prayers were answered when he came into my life.  It was a miracle.  That’s all I can say.  A miracle.  So WHY?  WHY oh WHY would God have this happen?  I had no answers.

What seemed like hours …were only minutes.   I stood there yelling to the heavens.  Pointing up, still.  I continued to question God, to yell at God.  The God of the Universe.  The God of ALL.  The God who knew far more about me and my life than I could possibly ever know or thought that I already did know.  And I was yelling at Him?  “Why ME?  You knew I was coming!”  I shouted.  “You knew I would find him!  You picked me to find him.”  “WHY!?”

I was furious.  Furious that my boyfriend died.  Furious that here I was all alone.  Furious that God picked me to find him.  If God knows all… well then He knew I was going to be there that day, right?  Then He picked me, right?   Tears.   Anguish.  Upset.

And just as fast as a flash of lightning hits a flagpole. I was struck by the Holy Spirit.  My crying changed from tears of maddening rage to honorable blessing.  God picked ME.  ME!  He picked ME!  A powerful chill ran through my bones.  I was God’s miracle in David’s life….his channel of love.  I was picked because I was the one who would take care of it all.   I was God’s Warrior.

I had a sense of gratitude.  Don’t you see…. Why Not Me?  Out of the people who could have loved this man, out of the people who could have honored this man, out of the people who could have made a difference in this man’s life and who would turn this tragedy into something good.  God picked ME.  Why Me?  Oh darling…. Why Not Me?

Your God Girl,

Tracy

Joyful In This Place

Joyful in this place.

As you all know by now, I am in the middle of what I am calling a ‘difficult season’ which sounds better than what my mind would like to call it…LOL

November will make it a year and a half of walking out the choice I made of leaving my corporate job and cutting my personal income by 75% in order to work full-time for myself doing what I love.  You might imagine the impact that this has been having on my life and you might imagine that I may not have a lot of patience for it all…those of you that know me well know that patience is not one of my best qualities…yet I am learning it for sure in this season!

Over the last few days I have been feeling particularly challenged by all of this and feeling very much like ‘I have HAD ENOUGH OF THIS SEASON’—in fact I have been having many, many discussions with God about WHY I AM STILL HERE…

Now keep in mind that everything has been working, every bill has been paid and by the Grace of GOD every, single REAL need has been met.  I have experienced so many blessings and so much Grace during this time—not to mention the LESSONS I have learned…so part of me is very clear that this season has been necessary before I begin another phase of building.  I have gained such clarity about who is around me and what I have been pouring into, I have learned what and who to let go of and I am learning how to say NO.  Also learning that people that want to be around me need to put in equal effort and that is something that I was missing over these last 50 years.  Soooo although this time is SO freaking uncomfortable and most days I feel like my skin is on inside out, I DO SEE the value in it.

Now back to my impatience and asking God WHY am I STILL in this place…this morning that question was asked over and over again until I finally got an ANSWER:

  • “BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT JOYFUL in this place.  Gratitude is NOT your first line of defense in this place…even though I have had your back and MET EVERY NEED…you still wake up scared every single day and you are still hating where I have put you…SO UNTIL you can BE JOYFUL and GRATEFUL most of the time in this…HERE is where you will STAY!”

Yeah…so what could I even say to that??? It is the truth.  I am not joyful in this place and although I AM grateful, I am not grateful ALL the time.  Mostly I am scared and stressed and upset and feeling like I have had enough of this…

God often speaks to me and even when I don’t like what He has to say, I listen.

It is soooo hard to choose JOY in a place where you are uncomfortable….sooo hard to force yourself to be grateful when you feel terrified inside because you cannot SEE HOW everything will work out.  However, I have SOOOO much evidence that everything works out for the good, I even have the last year and a half where every need has been met and not once was I able to see ahead of time HOW.

FAITH is tested greatly when you are in the wilderness periods, yet those periods are an integral part of being able to create what is supposed to come next because your LESSONS are in the wilderness periods…and so they are often the hardest times.

So today I am working on figuring out how to be satisfied, grateful and JOYFUL in this place that I don’t like and I wanted to share this with those of you that may be in the middle of a similar season…

-XO, Noelle

I Will Take It Minute By Minute

I Will Take It Minute by Minute…

A little history before you read this post. I wrote this shortly after my husband and I separated. We had a long and turbulent marriage. I was married for 12 years and we have 3 beautiful children. During those years I dealt with some physical abuse from my husband…infidelity on my husband’s part…drugs and drinking on my husband’s part…emotional abuse from my husband…the list goes on. That is not to say I was perfect but Lord how I tried to make it work.  It has been over a year now and I am happy to say that I am at a much better place!

The sadness I felt and often still feel is overwhelming. There is no other way to describe it.Some days takes everything I have to put one foot in front of the other. It takes every ounce of energy to get up…to get dressed…to eat…to be a mom…to care. I am not sure many people truly understand. After being married for so long…even though my children are with me…it is a very lonely feeling. Even though we had so many bad times, there were also good times. I just kept hoping the good times would win out. There are still just some days I feel like I am drowning with no way out.

Minute by Minute…

It is so hard to look at social media because my life is certainly not what I pictured it to be right now. My husband and I attended church together and I feel like I have been alienated by the church and community. I am in survival mode.

How can I do it all?

Only God knows how.

I am not going to make it without Him. I find myself turning to Him so much. God and my babies. Some days I am not sure how I get through them. I am not the person I want to be. I feel like I have never been good enough for my husband or his family. I feel abandoned by everyone. Am I that bad of a person that I don’t deserve something good? If it wasn’t for my children I don’t think I would even care. The hurt is just a lot. Lord help me climb out of whatever I am in.

There are so many questions about my future and my children’s future. So much uncertainty. So much fear of the future. I am so sad…so hurt. Still so hurt. Even though I made this decision (which I believe in my heart to be the right decision) it doesn’t make it any easier. Do I just feel too much? Can we fast forward to the easier part? Please oh please? Did I mean nothing to my husband? Does he not hurt? Does he not care? Did he ever care? He has hurt me so many times. What do I do? I pray…I get up every day and do it all again.

Minute by Minute…

I worry how this affects my kids. Will they be okay? I want something. I want someone to love me. To actually care about me. I want someone who wants to protect me instead of hurt me. Is that too much to ask for? Where will I be in a year? Where will I live? Will my kids understand why I did what I did? Will they blame me then like I feel they do now?

My reality is certainly not as bad as some…but it is my reality. Doesn’t make it any easier. Things could always be worse.

So here I am living on my faith…doing the best I can (trying) and waiting for the day things will get better. They will get better. Surviving the hard times is the hard part! Praying I can make it until then. Praying I will be worthy one day. Worthy as a Christian, as a mom, as a partner for someone who will be worthy of me!

Day by day is too much.

I will be taking it minute by minute.

~Ann~

The Candy Cane

The Legend of the Candy Cane…

I was raised in a family that practiced religion-rather strictly-which as I began to mature and become a young adult, I found it hard to continue and questioned my Faith repeatedly. I had a pretty crappy childhood and just had issues with why? I have discussed parts of my childhood before and am sure will discuss more at some point but I don’t want this to be about that today. Things have happened, life has happened-actually and I have come full circle in my Faith. I know that it’s not for everyone and I am ok with that. I am not a hardcore “bible thumper” or someone who attends church on a regular basis but I do believe and I do pray and am convinced in the power of prayer. I still have questions and I still get angry on occasions-which too is for a different day.

I have seen this poem referred to as “The Legend of the Candy Cane”-but I just like to call it, The Candy Cane Poem.  Although Snopes has discredited it being a legend, which is why I say poem, I just really enjoy the thought behind it.

Look at the Candy Cane
What do you see?
Stripes that are red
Like the blood shed for me
White is for my Savior
Who’s sinless and pure!
“J” is for Jesus My Lord, that’s for sure!
Turn it around
And a staff you will see
Jesus my shepherd
Was born for Me!

Merry Christmas and Love to All-

Kim

My Blessings Are Many

My blessings are many and picking 5 is beyond difficult for me. Today is a good day for me to think about my blessings and all the things I should be grateful for. It has been a shit show of a few days for me and have been feeling sorry for myself and rather self absorbed in my misery. The topic of picking 5 blessings in my life couldn’t have come at a more appropriate time.

  1. My Faith-My faith is a blessing and a gift. I think it’s so important for everyone to have something to believe in, a higher power if you will. Something bigger than yourself.
  2. My husband-Quite frankly, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He couldn’t of come into my life at any more of a perfect time than he did. I was a year out from my divorce, broke, depressed, didn’t trust a soul, hopeless….he showed me and reminded me that I was worthy of being loved, and everything he has ever promised me he has done and more. Seriously-there are men out there that say what they mean and mean what they say. They will come through and be the man that you need them to be.
  3. My children-I have these beautiful perfect children that are the greatest things I have or will ever accomplish. There is nothing that will compare to anything else I will ever do in my life than my children.
  4. A Home-Not a house but a home. A place where the us and the kids love and want to be. The love, the laughing, and everything in between.
  5. Health-I am a 42 year old female who is slightly over-weight and likes to have a drink here and there. My health is good. My children and my husband are healthy.

Writing these 5 things today for you and for myself has already improved my mood tremendously. These are the things I need to dwell on every day! And not the things that are bothering me.

 

Love to All-Kim

When God Shuts A Door…

I saw a quote today and posted it on the Revealing Excellence Facebook page, it said in essence, when God closes a door stop banging on it…meaning He closed it for a reason.  We may not understand or agree with God’s reasons and timing; however we need to trust them.  God has the bigger plan and He knows what we need better than we do.

Having Faith means trusting what we cannot yet see.  Sometimes when we are seeking the answer to something we need to let go of it and simply do the tasks before us.  Trust that when the time is right the way will be made unmistakably clear to us.  At times this can look like stepping out where there seems to be no road under our feet; there are times when we have to follow God’s prompts to go forward even when we do not see the pavement in front of us.  During these times God acts as our eyes, He sees the road ahead and He directs the path on which we walk, put one foot in front of the other…do the tasks that are before you each day and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

We may not see the whole road, yet as we step each time there is solid ground that appears beneath our feet.  God makes a way where there is no way, some days this is my mantra…

So when God shuts a door just leave it closed and go find the open one…