Tag Archives: exhausted

How To Stop Pouring From An Empty Cup

How to Stop Pouring from an Empty Cup…. 

As moms, and even more as single moms, we are constantly giving of ourselves to everyone we seem to encounter. We give to our kids, we give to our family, our friends, our work, but the one person we often do not give to, is ourselves. It was a little over a year ago, that I realized I had to stop, because I could no longer pour from an empty cup. I was exhausted and drained, but I just kept going. I was making decisions based on the good of the others and not on what I needed for my personal growth and mental health. 

I was out to dinner with some friends, my first night without my kids in quite some time, and I realized I again made a decision because I felt like I needed to, I had to, when deep down inside all that my poor mind and body wanted was peace and quiet. Now, don’t get me wrong, the friends I was with had become an important part of my journey and my life, and it isn’t that I didn’t want to be with them, but where I was at that moment, I needed to choose myself and I chose what I thought would make others happy. I realized I could no longer go on like this and I had to start doing for me. So, while at dinner I made the choice to start pouring back into myself. 

I made the decision to start this new lifestyle, start a new path where my choices were now what was going to be mentally and physically beneficial to me and not to others. I felt this huge weight lift off my shoulders within minutes of making this decision. People started seeing a difference in me, but it was never about others noticing, it was about me noticing.  I started really looking at who was in my life and did they push me to be a better version of myself, did they understand when I had to put myself and my choices first or did I get crap every time I gave an answer, and ultimately could I be my 100% true and authentic self around them without any hesitation or filtering.

The later of this ended up being one thing that I had to really looked at a lot, because let’s face it as single parents our time to be around adults without our children is quite limited. When we have the chance to be around others, are they people we can be truly open with or are they people you do not get beyond surface level type stuff with? Do you find yourself sitting around with them, wanting so much to have adult conversations about what is on your mind, but also know some of them will not be listening to truly try to understand, just listening to respond?  I found myself having this internal struggle of do I do what I need to for inner peace and to pour into my own cup or do I just continue down this path? 

I chose to do what I needed to do for me and pour into my own cup. I made the choice to step away from a group of people not because I do not love them or care about them or because I want them completely out of my life. The truth was I felt like I had to hide parts of me, my story, and my feelings or thoughts from many of them. We all met working through the same thing, but the truth is outside of that same thing I did not feel I had much in common with most of them beyond that. I could laugh at the same jokes, I could tell a funny story, I could talk about my kids, but after that I found myself not feeling like I could share anything deeper.  There was no one at fault for how I felt, it was just me listening to my gut. We all have heard that saying about how we see more than we ever let anyone know, and I study people’s verbal and nonverbal responses, so if I feel as though responses are not welcoming or open minded, I just don’t share . As soon as I made that choice it felt so freeing. I know that most of them if not all of them did not get it, and that is ok, because what I was going for was pouring back in to my cup, and not necessarily making sure I was filling someone else’s again. I found myself with everything going on in the World, I was pouring every ounce of me into my kids and my work, that by pouring just that little bit back in to me, made me feel like a new person.   

They say that when you can speak freely without hesitation that is when you know you are with the right people, and I finally felt that I did not have to hesitate anymore. I found I no longer felt guilty for having to say no to going places and doing things. I found that if I did not have my kids and needed to just stay home in my house for peace and quiet, I could do that. I found myself pouring into my cup again, sipping a to-go margarita on the couch in my pjs, without feeling guilty. 

So, to all of you out there who are pouring from an empty or almost empty cup, its time to take some of that back for yourself. Find something that makes you happy and do it, find something that does not make you happy and stop doing it, stop pouring into too many people without first pouring into yourselves. We are always going to pour in to our kids, as we are supposed to do, and we will always pour ourselves in to work because we have to, but beyond that the next cup we all should pour in to is our own. So, grab a pitcher, fill your cup, and while you are at it sip your favorite drink, wear your comfy clothes, and do what makes you happy. 

 

~~ JES <3 <3 <3

Successfully Navigating Fear

I don’t know about you but I am tired of fear and its seeming ability to steal my peace albeit temporarily…last week I had to do something that I did not really want to do, however I had no choice and fear was working overtime for at least several days…and every time it is time to travel fear starts its run at me…used to be that I was afraid all the time about money and not having enough of it, after 51 years I worked my way out of that and now it comes calling for new things and quite frankly I am sick and tired of it— I thought that you might be tired of it too, so I thought we’d talk about it.

The New Oxford American Dictionary defines ‘fear’ as follows:

Fear- an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

Here is what I LOVE about this particular definition, it says that it is caused by a BELIEF that something is dangerous, harmful etc— a BELIEF—- BINGO!!!  Herein lies the KEY for beating this shit— it is a belief which means that we are giving it the power, we are allowing ourselves to ‘believe’ the thoughts that scare us—which ALSO means that we have the power to annihilate the fear.  I talk to you all the time about changing the thoughts that circulate in your head, I am always saying that you first have to change your thinking before anything else will change…this remains true about getting rid of it.

Last week when I was feeling like fear was getting the best of me, I picked one statement and I repeated it to myself over and over and over again until the chatter in my head ceased.  Then I would be okay for a few hours and then the shitty, fearful thoughts would start up again and I would start my repetition process again. This literally went on for 48 hours— by the way, as is almost always the case, my fears were unfounded and every thing turned out just fine.

Fear produces NOTHING that is good— it simply steals your joy, makes you anxious, makes it hard to sleep, eat or breathe—makes you want to pull into yourself and not participate with others.  Fear is a thief and a disruptor and will always make you feel worse— when we are enveloped in fear based thinking we are rendered unable to act—we are almost like a ‘deer in headlights’ because we cannot move to a place in our minds where solutions can find us—we are stuck and the thinking fear based thoughts keeps us more stuck….it is a vicious circle.

The way out of this is to control your thinking, you have to be vigilant about what thoughts you are allowing into your head and what the source of those thoughts are—you also must spend a fair amount of time talking about the good and focusing on thoughts and statements that will bring more good.

The quickest way to annihilate fear or anything you don’t want more of is to STOP talking about it…stop giving any power or voice to the things you don’t want to see more of—start focusing on your intentions and what IS working.

When we come from a place of peace things work out for us more quickly.

This week really take a look at what causes your fear and where those thoughts are originating from—the first step in changing something is to become conscious of it.

Remember, you have the power here…don’t forget that.  Nothing can make you afraid unless you let it.

See you Sunday at 10am est on Coffee Chat/ FB live

XO, Noelle

Relentless And Thirty-One

Thirty was brutal.

It was brutally honest and unapologetically raw. It was a beautiful mess with parts I would not wish on my least favorite of human spirits.

Thirty was the year of sorry’s, and sighs, and throwing my hands to the skies. Thirty was the year of aging mentally and physically. Thirty was the year of allowing myself to be lost and not wanting to be found by anyone but me.

Thirty was letting go and a series of hard choices–the kind of decisions that prove your character. The kind that ache, bleed, and scar. It was self discovery and starting new.

It was hitting reset, rinse, repeat.

Thirty was the year of unrelenting chaos, followed by uncomfortable calm.

Reset, rinse, repeat.

Thirty was wanting to run away and never come back. Thirty was wanting to disappear. Thirty was wanting to be seen. Thirty was wanting to be held. Thirty was the paradox.

I looked around the house and just wanted to burn it down more than once. I looked up airline tickets for three out of the country more than twice. I second guessed my decision to leave my marriage…zero times.

I redecorated. I made new recipes. I cooked a lot of food. I lost ten pounds. I gained ten pounds. I gave zero f&*cks. I grew out my hair. I bought $40 foundation for the first time ever. I painted my first and last room. I told some of my best jokes. I did some of my best writing. I had some of my worst parenting moments. I had some of my lowest lifetime moments. Thirty was angry, and it was sad. It was a 24/7 adrenaline rush and it was exhausting. Thirty was adult dating, and school girl blushing. Thirty was laughing like I hadn’t in years, even when it was at my own life or expense. Thirty was saying hard truths out loud. Thirty was letting myself grieve things I’d been missing. Thirty was accepting good things when they presented themselves and not feeling guilty about it.

It was letting go of things I had already long lost. It was closing doors to rooms in my heart that made me cold and sad. It was opening windows to trust new faces and unfamiliar spaces within my new life.

It was a year of allowing myself to cry at green, yellow, and red lights. In conference rooms, in the shower, at daycare, at the doctor’s office, at the dinner table of friend’s and in the doorways of their homes without warning.

I left a dozen chapters of my life behind, and in my husband’s hands, hours before someone else’s wedding. I forced myself to spit out razor blades of truth at the person I said ‘forever’ to. My head had to forcefully tell my heart to leave my husband and be completely unwavering in that choice.

It was the year of asking for help and of saying ‘yes.’ It was a the year of the king size bed, an ironic choice for a person with one less body next to them. The year not for the bucket list, but the f*%ck-it list.

Thirty was love at its most genuine, whether it was for me or from me. It was finding out who really is in my corner and who deserves to be put in one.

Thirty was dancing in the rain, crying in the rain, jumping puddles in the rain, kissing in the rain. I made the most of it, but thirty is what made me. Thirty taught me to spit in fear’s face, to say goodbye to people and things that don’t add, but detract, from my life.

Thirty gave me a glimpse into what I am really made of.

I am braver and stronger than I thought. I am more loved than I realized. I am capable of much more than I gave myself credit for.

The year turning over only proudly reinforces two things: this is my circus and these are my monkeys.

This is relentless and thirty-one.

~Jessica-Awesome Single Mama